After I retired from the Navy, I had to find a "real" job. I ended up working at a great place with a group of folks that included many veterans and more than a couple of military retirees. My kind of people.
The business is divided into the sales office and folks that back up what the salesmen sold. Out in the open area where I work, we have a single-barreled restroom that is in close proximity to the reception area and the coffee pot. Anyone who enters the restroom is easily known to all traffic around the front area and the coffee pot. Not a big deal, as most only use that particular restroom to piss. If they have to drop the kids off at the pool, lay some cable, deliver a Seal Team, etc., most folks use one of the restrooms in the office area, or one of the restrooms on the far side of the building, in order to avoid the embarrassment associated with crapping in the front restroom and making all that noise with folks right outside the door.
Another reason most don't crap in that restroom is that the fart fan is missing; whatever cable you lay, the odor associated will remain for a while, identifying YOU as the source.
Me, I once had a restroom attendant fan me while I had diarrhea; and since then, I've been a certified Shameless Shitter, with no problems using any toilet, anywhere. When I deliver a load, it's right there at the front crapper, smell and brown tracks all. If anybody looks at me strange upon my exit from battle, I've even taken to borrowing a line from one of Gasputin's finest by proudly exclaiming, "I do pretty good work in there, don't I?"
I don't project my fecal fame, but I won't back down from a funny look, either. I long ago learned to deal with embarrassing situations by going on the attack and, hopefully, diverting my embarrassment elsewhere.
In the sales office, there is one salesman who is a tad too pushy. He'll walk to the coffee pot, test to see which pot has the most in it so he can avoid making any, then quickly step towards the restroom door and yank on it without knocking. The accepted restroom protocol is that if the door is cracked, the restroom is empty. If the door is closed, it's in use. This guy didn't care and was so wrapped up in his own world, he would pull on the door just to make sure. The lock on the restroom door would fail if you pulled hard enough. (The frame of the door was hit by a forklift once and the door never sat square since.)
One morning, I was on the crapper engaged in battle with the beast. Not a monumental battle of poogilistic proportions, just a normal post-morning-coffee shat. I heard Knothead's voice on the other side of the door in the coffeemaker area, fumbling with the coffee pot. I just knew he was going to march right up to the door and yank without thinking.
I had my turd mid-chute. It was too big to pinch off, too far out to retrieve, and I was a helpless sitting pooper about to entertain my coworkers, ladies included, with my particular brand of toiletside manner, smell and all. I had to think fast. I was about to be exposed mid-stink and there was nothing I could do to stop it. My military brain said "ATTACK! ATTACK!" so I hunched against my turd halfway out of my chute as hard as I could to get my face as red as I could make it before Knothead yanked the door open.
I heard him step to the door. I heard him grab the handle. I heard the lock strain. I could tell it was about to fail. I saw the door swing WIDE open and there before me were all my coworkers going about their business. I looked that self-centered idiot right in the eye, stretched my open hand towards him, and yelled "Jesus! Lord! Help me! Hold my hand! Hold my hand! It's gonna rip me apart!"
All of that was, of course, bullshit, but I had to go on the attack with something fast. He quickly shut the door and made a beeline back to the office. I was embarrassed but determined to not to let anyone know. I finished my battle, wiped, washed my hands, and exited the restroom.
Nobody was outside and nobody ever said a word to me about it. Dipstick never yanked the door again and the door lock was mysteriously replaced.
