This made me think of those "all I got" t-shirts--"I scraped crap out of a 500 pound guy's butt crack and all I got was a lousy complimentary carp"

Great story!

great story, I agree!

You deserve a private bar and a PR T-shirt!
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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Yea thanks thats me in this story, and i slipped on a banana peel that you failed to pick up in the bathroom. Shows what kind of service im paying for, I might just pinch one off on the bed again and hit the buzzer for some new sheets and a clean up crew! Oh yea i need a refill on my bucket of slim-jims.

You should get a medal of honor for that task.

You say you worked there "until recently." Was this guy the reason you left? Quite enough, I'd say. Better question: Rehab for what? Surely his problem is obvious and needs attention. Please tell us he was in there to lose weight so he could eventually take care of himself.

I like your name, Snowpea. It's cute. Welcome to Poopreport.

The reasons people get this heavy are grossly intriguing and often tragic. No one starts their life stating "I want to be a fat fuck when I grow up!"

Do you work at an obesity clinic specifically? I've watched quite a few episodes of that whatever - Cloverbrook or something - obesity clinic on television. It's frustrating. Some of these people have brain dysfunctions where they never feel full or don't get enough of a chemical released into their brain to tell them they're full.

What upsets me on another level is the manipulation some of the patients seem to use to get food from their families and/or local businesses. There is mass enabling from most of their families and friends that allows for them to get so fat before they're admitted. I know it sounds awful - and I don't mean it to - but if a family member of mine were so heavy he or she couldn't move that well, let alone leave the house, I'd stock the house with good food and not bring that person everything they wanted. If they wanted to eat take out and pizza and whatever, they'd have to do it themselves. I wouldn't help someone eat his or her self to death, even if it made that person incredibly angry at me. Sure, it would suck to listen to someone yell and cry for food, but I can't imagine helping a human being grow to these proportions. It must be a nightmare to endure.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Snowpea, when you first started working in the rehab center, what did you imagine was the worst thing you'd have to deal with? Did the folks who hired you try to give you a sense of possibilities like this, or did they hope that slowly you'll learn to tolerate higher and higher levels of disgust.

What line of work are you in now?

Thanks for the comments! I feel welcomed.

To answer a few questions, the rehab center is for the elderly, demented, and people who just got out of the hospital but aren't ready to go home yet and need physical therapy. I worked on the first floor, which was the "sub-acute" level, for those people. Also hospice residents. The guy I wrote about was there because his lymph-nodes were draining out through the skin on his legs, which happens when someone gets so large that the lymph won't flow properly. He wasn't the reason I quit. I left after a particularly bad night with another new admit who wouldn't listen to my instructions and tried to stand up on her own before I had the wheels on her wheel-chair locked, so she fell (which is a big deal, requiring the charge nurse to write a report and stuff)-She was fine, but it took 4 of us 10 minutes to lift her back to bed, and she was vomiting the whole time. when I left I was smeared with it. I called in the next day and said I wasn't coming back. That was just the last episode in a litany of disgusting and aggravating situations which I will write about soon. Logjam, I currently am self-employed as a sculptor for the giftware industry. Lately, For example, I've been sculpting Winnie-the-Pooh figurines for Disney Studios and Lenox Collections. Then they ship then overseas to their factories where they are mass-produced in porcelain and painted and shipped to the stores. I was working at the rehab center part-time so I could have health insurance. When I started at the center I sort of thought that I'd be bringing people water and telling them "Oh, you'll be fine", but it turned out to be a vile and repulsive job involving poop, pee, vomit, colostomy/iliostomy bags and wiping the asses of folks who were too fat or disabled to do it themselves, and cleaning-up dead bodies for the funeral home. By the way, when you die, you will poop. Our job was basically to clean-up residents and dress/undress them, and get them into/out of bed so the nurses and therapists could do their job. I couldn't agree more, Daphne. It's impossible to get that big without outside help, and many of the aides are not terribly educated, and think they are just helping a dude stuck in bed. It usually requires a doctor's order that they cannot receive outside food or drink.

I'm a BIG GUY but I will be DAMNED if I ever let myself get that heavy. To NOT be able to shit properly on a toilet is just not acceptable to me and to have others clean up after me well then you might as well fill a tub with warm bath water put me in it and slit my wrists and let me slowly bleed out into the water similar to Frank Pantangeli in Godfather 2. The fact also that he is a nasty person doesnt help either. The fact that people bring him food also tells me that they are enablers as well. Anytime I feel like overeating I watch that show on TLC called Inside Brookhaven where really obese people are going. I feel like a new man afterward! Sorry I love my dumps too much to make them a burden to someone else.
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

Sounds like it's time to put moby on a diet.

Put some arsenic in his Subway sammiches

How much do they pay people for this sort of work?

No offense but I would rather have a job circumsizing rabid hyenas with a soup spoon than yours.

Excellent story Snowpea. I have stated it before that people in your line of work are angels. I would rather bodysurf down a mountain of broken glass into a vat of aftershave.
One question, did those summer sausages arrive in those tubular mailing containers (marked "fishing gear"), or did the Jimmy Dean truck just back up to the window?

That job paid $10.75 an hour. Most of the people there were going into nursing, and it is a requirement that they work in a facility like that for a short time, therefore turnover is high. The summer sausages were"Old Wisconsin"-brand. I never saw how they arrived, but his room always smelled like garlic summer sausage.

Those damn Cheesheads are trying to make us all look like them.

Snowpea, all I can say is god bless the people who do your work. Saints walk among us every day and we only pay them $10.75 an hour. It's really a shame.

Snowpea, as you have testified adults can be sooo GROSS! If you like helping people, get a job on a pediatric unit for health insurance. Kids are not that nasty and never THAT large.
Once when I was a nurse tech(a glorified CNA because I was in nursing school), I had this male patient that wouldn't bathe his own junk in the trunk. When I got to his floppy old red bird I hesitated...didn't want to touch it. Finally I...wait I'll be back, got to negotiate a rectal manuever...ok, I' m back. I picked up his dong using the pincer method, washed it, then proceeded to pinch a tiny section of the puckered haircloth skin of his sack using the same thumb and index finger pincer grip. I had it suspended in the air giving it that vacuum packed appearance as gravity pulled on the nads while I held it higher to get underneath . When suddenly he hollered " watch out for the scroetoes!" I dropped his bag of rocks and told him to clean his own scroetoes. His obese wife was lying on a cot next to him offering no assistance during an awkward s(h)ituation. She seemed to enjoy the moment. It creeped me out.

It would be great if you could sculpt all The Poop Reporters.Ten seventy five an hour.They should move the decimal point to the right and make it 107.5 an hour.

Snowpea, let me add my expression of gratitude for people like you. However, if/when I get to the point of needing others to clean up my shit and vomit, and my pecker is something only to be washed by a cringing candy striper, I will end it (which reminds me, BVC or PD, please send me that bike seat!)

Logjam, I'll take care of it, just as I did my father...and I promise not to cringe.

Much.

Bilge. You helped your father off himself or clean himself? Appreciated very much, buddy, but I couldn't ask assistance for either one.

Given the amount of morphine I pumped into him regularly, (per hospice nurse instructions, mind you) I think I did both.

Once there was this microcephalic teenage girl who had the worst smelling BO to pass through the cribiform plate. Well, one day she had a very large shit. I'm at the station and get the call that she is vomiting, to come quick. The malignant funk shit smell body slammed me in the face before I got to her hall. It was like walking against the wind, the damp, malodorous, worse than a dead animal smell was so thick and heavy. I recognized the stench as I had cared for her in the past. As I approach her room I see "Bob" standing outside in the hall with a green complexion, clutching his stomach, dry heaving. "HHHAAWHOOO(gutteral)WHHHAAA". I pass him up to go to the patient thinking" her vomit" made him gag. Nnnoewah. The girl's funkadilla shit smell made HIM vomit. The mom called for the nurse because her NURSE WAS VOMITING. Needless to say, I had to help the mom clean the girl up. My eyes burned and it was so hard to breath. I couldn't get that distinctive rancid malodorous funk shit smell out of my nose for days. Afterwards, any time I worked with that nurse, I couldn't help myself to not say "hey, Bob, HHHAHOOHHHHAAA", and walk off laughing. It was the worst olafactory offense from shit I have ever encountered in my career and I will never forget the funk shit smell that girl produced, not ever.

Sittingpretty. Tossing gems like these in the comment threads is like taking a shit right outside the bathroom door. Write these fuckers up and submit them to Dave as proper stories. Please.

Cringing, yes, because he was trying to get aroused by the bath and I was determined to keep him from getting weird on me. She was saying inappropriate comments to me...to him.
Candy striper, no. My sister was a Candy Striper in high school. Candy Stripers do not bathe the patients.
It wasn't the first or last time I have cared for the tender little acorn. Those people were not normal, I tell you!

Logjam, It will take a while to go back and find the gems. Do you want to give me a start and tell where the gems are? I didn't know I am shitting gems outside the bathroom door. Sorry.

SP, Logjam was complimenting your story, and suggesting that, rather than post them in comments, actually submit them to Dave, the Editor-in-Chief of Poopreport to have them posted on the front page. Send them, via e-mail, to:
Dave@Poopreport.com or visit our forums and post them there. We always need more front page material, and it looks as if you have a few good stories to offer.

Bilgepump, I've read elsewhere here about how you cared for your father. You cared for him. He was blessed to have you there.

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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

What a nasty fuckin bastard!!It's actually really sad. Someone so miserable thay feel the need to make others around them the same way.At least that's my experience. I worked at a home as a teen in the arts & crafts dept. I once saw a crotchety old man THROW poop at a aide one day, because he was mad his family hadn't been by yet that week. I would have thrown it back. I also saw old people having sex. I'm scarred gor life.

I think what makes her stories hilarious to me (and very much front page stuff) is the name. I just picture cute, petite, little fairy-tale nurse sittingpretty, with her sparkling white uniform, walking into these horror scenes.

Oh, and LJ, I have the bike seat. Most of the leather has been inhaled off it, but you're welcome to borrow it.

I was thinking about what the microcephalic girl was feeling while you all were vomiting. She must be one of the saddest people on the planet to know she disgusts others that much, and that moment was probably one she will never forget more than anyone else. My heart goes out to her.

That being said, I'd really appreciate it if someone would give me back my bicycle seat. Riding to the store isn't as comfortable as it used to be, and the paparazzi are having a field day.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Sorry Daphne, that gem will remain in my museum.

Then the least you can do is post your 1000th post here!

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Tease.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I'm gonna wait till someone plusses me for my 1000th.

Boy, I'm a dumb shit. HAPPY EASTER EVERYBODY.

I remember reading something recently about people who overeat. I'm pretty sure it's the hormone leptin that stimulates appetite. They bred mice without the hormone leptin and the mice starved to death because they never had any desire to eat. It's been hypothesized that people who over-eat may have an overabundance of the leptin hormone-a condition similar to the stimulation of appetite that occurs after taking antihistamines. For some chronic overeaters their normal state is akin to what most people experience after taking diphenhydramine-a common OTC sleeping/allergy medication, if you ever take 50 mg of that drug take note of the hunger pangs and imagine living like that all the time.

Sorry if I sounded preachy there, I only weigh 150 lbs myself.

Thank you. Actually that Russian currency works better than their tp.

I used to be 300lbs+ and shit my bed every so often during sleep. My anus wasn't modest or humble -- when I shit the bed (usually after a day of greasy trans-fat sewer food and soda pop), my sewage was inches deep; I actually saw waves in it when I moved. I glad I've never been to the hospital to expose anybody to those them deadly toxins.

PCV, you might want to invest in a Craftmatic bed. That way, with a touch of a button, you could tilt the bed and send those waves of shit crashing down onto the beach. UGH.

haha i wouldnt be able to cope with that a all... lol i thought it was funny that u mentioned eastenders! hahaha i hate that soap- didnt know that was on in other countries.? haha

1000 rubles? At the current exchange rate of approx 25 rubles per dollar, that'll buy enough TP for a couple of weeks. And you don't even have to stand in line for it any longer in Russia.

Of course, under the old exchange rate, that thousand ruble note might have gotten you into one of the pay-crappers, complete with one sheet of industrial strength from
Asswipogorsk.
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Of all the people in the history of the site who have been so quick run up a thousand comment points, prarie doggin' has been my favorite. Not a single one of those comments has been vain, self-serving, or useless. I like that Dog.

Good stuff.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Yep, he's a breath of uh....well...

He's ok, I guess.

Sniffle. I thank you guys from the bottom of my....well you know.

I guess what we're trying to say, doggie, is that even though you spew comments as if you were on a diuretic, what comes out has surprising substance (and doesn't smell all that bad, either).

Gee...er...well I didn't know you felt that way about me. I hope Bilge doesn't get jealous.

Nah....always heard prarie doggs make good sammiches

As a matter of fact, I make an excellent faux tuna sammich using mashed garbanzo beans.

Here's my concoction. Please let me know if you do something different. (But I don't think of it as faux tuna).

* 1 medium-small carrot
* 1 stick celery
* 2 spring onions
* 1 can 15oz garbanzo bean
* 2 tsp mustard
* 2 tbsp sweet pickle relish
* black pepper to taste

1. Peel and grate the carrot. Finely chop the celery and spring onions.

2. Drain and rinse the beans; mash them with a fork, leaving some chunks.

3. Mix all ingredients together and season to taste. Keeps in the fridge for a week - nice in thinly-sliced brown bread sammiches.

It sorta kinda looks like tuna salad. I use lo-fat mayo instead of mustard, and add a pinch of powdered mustard. Veggies about the same. Oh and did you see the outfit Daphne was wearing today. OMG. We must chat more often.

Pope chronv, you might consider going to the doctor. Your pancreas or liver might be NOT be working right. Letting loose your bowels at night in the bed needs to be checked out. If nothing is wrong then get up and use the toilet or wear Depends.
Pdog, the best presents always come in small boxes.
Daphne, her developmental level was of an infant. She went to sleep.
Bilgepump, thanks for the clarification of PD's compliment Pd, I will right the story for Dave if you think its worthy. Do I name it or does Dave?

You can name your story (please do). Upper management will probably provide the subtitle. Don't keep us waiting.

You can name it, but sometimes Dave thinks of something different - if he can turn a funny phrase, he will. He also edits spelling mistakes.

I'm going to try that garbanzo spread. It sounds fun. Usually, I make hummus with garbanzo beans, so it would be nice to do something different.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Poop and food in one thread. It doesn't get any better. (well maybe beer)

Hey CEP. Got any recipes to share?

Logjam, Bilgepump and P Dog, I submitted my first poopreport story for the front page today. Thanks for the encouragement and the compliments. I tried to get on the forum and got blocked by that visual code, Bilge.

How do I go straight to the frontpage poopreports?

The Easter eggs I ate last night has given my poops a whole new odiferous personality today. An oleaginous bouquet of Russell Stover chocolates combined with Yellowtail Shiraz and Big Butt Merlot.

Wine and chocolate shit. Sounds romantic.

Pnutty, I've never seen old people copulate but I saw a severely mentally retarded and deformed bedridden female adult masturbating once when I was a nsg. student. The visual was so disturbing I left the room.

Ps. I didn't give the story a title. Should I submit the cringing candystriper story too, eventhough its about a scrotum?

Scrotum Shmotum. Submit them all. Oh and don't hesitate to embellish a bit. (make the candystriper really hot)

No, Pdog. No hot candy striper embellishments. You can use the thread to add your own embellishments if Dave posts it.

Funniest Poop At Work Video EVER:

http://digitalfuntown.squarespace.com/dft-blog/2008/4/7/short-shorts-potty-trainers.html