On The Job Straining

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PoopReport of the Year Awardk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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When I started working full-time for myself about a year ago, all my shitting habits went out the window. As did my somewhat-reasonable diet. I went from eating a stable, balanced diet of mac, cheese, and Steakums to fast food and roadside dirty water dogs. And with this change in diet came other changes as well.

I tend to be an extremely shameful shitter. I will go as far as waiting for my girlfriend to leave the house before I decide to drop a big doot. If you've read any of my previous poop reports, you will know the severity to which I am speaking. Under NO circumstances will I ever shit in a public bathroom. I'd rather shit my pants and lie in my own filth then defecate in a public toilet. Insane? Sure. But we all have our problems; mine just happens to be public shitting.

So I awoke one frightful day with a severe pain in my gullet. The type of pain that makes you think your appendix has burst and spewed poison throughout your body. I showered like normal, winced a few times in agony, and went forth with my day. As I was walking out the door, I grabbed a cherry Pop-Tart and a bottle of water for the ride to my first job.

First stop of the day was Wendy's. It was as if God was trying to smite me. Just the smell of petrified grease was enough to unseat my already unstable bowels. I removed a few ceiling tiles to expose a vast cavern of dirt and just indomitable disgustingness. I gagged a few times, held my shit down, and continued on to finish my first job.

Stop number two was a crappy old pizza place in the ghetto. This place was in such a bad neighborhood that even the roaches wore bulletproof vests. They were having a problem with their DirecTV system. I climbed up on the roof to take a look at the dish and, amongst many bullet casings, found the problem to be some bird shit. I cleaned the dish and went back into the pizza place to give the happy owners the bill. As I handed it to him, he handed me two slices of fresh, greasy, ghetto pizza. I'm not gonna lie: I was scared that if I didn't eat the pizza it would be taken as a sign of fear and I would be killed right then and there. So, when in Rome...

My third and final stop was a cheese factory. I don't know if anyone out there has ever been in a cheese factory, but let me tell you this: the smell is fucken putrid. I really can't even compare it to something, but I'm going to try: it's almost like bleach and dog vomit mixed in a bag, then microwaved.

I retched my way through the cheese factory and fixed the problem. It was the longest three hours of my life. After about the second hour at the cheese factory, my guts began to tumble and turn. I tried my best to grin and bear it, but the pain was just too much. I contemplated going into the public bathrooms, but we all know that just wasn't going to happen. So I packed up my tools, climbed back in my work truck, and prepared myself for the ninety minutes of hell I was about to face on the ride home.

At about the forty-five-minute mark, all time stood still. I was prairie-dogging so hard that I had to sit up off the seat. Then inspiration came to me: my contractor's office was right down the road. He would be the only one in the office at this time of the day. I could roll in there, break one off, and then blissfully head home.

I pulled into his parking lot like a madman. I RAN in the office, pointed at the bathroom, and yanked my pants off all in one motion. I'm sure I was naked for at least one second as I was running to the bathroom. But I was moving so quick I doubt anyone would have noticed. I plopped my aching body down and prayed for God to make it quick.

But God would have other ideas for me on this weary day.

The turd began to crest my bung, and I knew things weren't going to be easy. I reached maximum dilation -- and then nothing more was moving. I had a square peg trying to fit through a round hole. I knew what was to happen next. I had even read about it on PoopReport before. I was to perform the dirtiest of the dirty, something of which we never speak.

It was time for a manual disimpaction.

I grabbed a handful of toilet paper, reached up where the sun don't shine, and tried to yank that fucker out. All I got a few globules of doodie on the paper and some shivers in my spine. This grogan wasn't going to come out easily.

I looked up into the heavens and said a prayer. "Please, God, please let this doot come out of my butt easily. Please don't make me stick my fingers in my ass to get it out. I promise I will back to church and donate to the poor. Amen."

The clap of thunder and flickering lights made me realize that God wanted no part of the demon that had possessed my anus. I was on my own. I threw some holy water over my shoulder and went to work on kraken in my cracken.

I decided it was going to take some drastic measure to rid this beast from my nether-regions. I quickly scanned the room for some type of implement to help with this exorcism. There was a plunger and a coat hanger, neither of which I felt comfortable sticking in my ass. I don't think I would have been comfortable sticking a Q-tip up my ass. But drastic times call for drastic measures! And as my grandfather would have said, "It's live or die, you bastard!" It was time for the reckoning.

I decided to try and push it out, instead of going for the manual disimpation. I figured the greasy slice of pizza I had eaten earlier in the day would hopefully lubricate the trap a little bit and maybe make this big bastard slide out a bit easier. I grabbed hold of the sink with my left hand and the handicrapper rail with my right. I put one foot up on the garbage can and the other I cocked back like I was kicking a field goal. And then I pushed. I pushed like so many mothers had pushed before me.

Millimeter by excruciating millimeter, the offending demon slowly moved. After about ten minutes of some of the worst pain I have ever felt, I had nearly half of the beast out of my anus. I gave one last mighty push and then it broke lose and fell to its watery death.

I collapsed in pain on the toilet and laid there, a broken man. My anus was so destroyed that it puckered and pulsed like it was trying to dry heave. I'm sure if I had tried to fart at that time, it wouldn't have even made a sound.

After a few minutes of collecting myself, I arose from my now-debauched thrown to look at the baby I had just birthed. It was monstrous, to say the least. I know people on this site go to great lengths trying to describe the sheer magnitude of their poop. I will just say it as simply as possible: it was large enough to choke a donkey. My only saving grace was that I was in a commercial bathroom that could hopefully take down a monstrous log such as this one.

It took three flushes to rid this world of my colon creature.

My bunghole will never be the same. It took me nearly a week to get back to regular shitting. Sitting down was a nightmare. But on the bight side, I did lose ten pound in one day.

31 Comments on "On The Job Straining"

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

Good story but how does one eat a dirty roadside water dog?

Mary Queen of Scats's picture
l 100+ points

Ditto on that CEP. That one had me scratching my head.

And I feel your pain about the smell of the cheesefactory Pill. The town where I live has one that processes nothing but American cheese (a.k.a. flat orange wax coated plastic sheet that vaguely resembles cheese) and it smells terrible!

_______
It's YOUR cat, YOU get his poop out of my sink!

Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points

Yes, good story.

That's one bad thing about being shameful and holding it too long; your colon gets impacted.

I still remember when I was in 6th grade and went to camp for 5 days...I held my load the whole week because I feared the "no stalls" public bathroom. They just had a row of toilets.
I still remember the giant hard turd I dropped when I got home. It too took alot of massive work to get it to exit the chamber.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Where to begin?!? Like other PP offerings, this one made me laugh from beginning to end. Twice. You have a gift for sardonic humor. I about lost it at "I threw some holy water over my shoulder." Very funny.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Whenever this happens to me I get some liquid soap and lube up my bung and the grogan. They slip right on out. Works every time!

Anal About Poop's picture
l 100+ points

Great story! Really funny. I love the bit about eating the pizza out of fear of being killed. It reminded me of the Sopranos for some reason.

Anal About Poop's picture
l 100+ points

I think a "dirty roadside water dog" is a boiled hot dog that has sat in the same water for days.

CC's picture

The hood was so rough the roaches wore bulletproof vests.It sounds like Pill returned to the scene of another great poop story,my old home town,Jersey City,New Jersey.

Pantload's picture
m 1+ points - Newb


This was the best written and most hilarious story posted in a while. It seems the shit has gone "soft" lately and it's good to read something that brought tears to my eyes again. It's not shadenfruede, it's POOP!


What's so funny 'bout poop, love, and understanding?

What's so funny 'bout poop, love, and understanding?

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

PoopReport should host a forum on suggestions to turn shameful into shameless shitters. It would be a tragedy if somebody died from shameful shitting.

Gaseous Glay's picture

Dirty water dogs are hot dogs sold from carts or trucks without running water. Origin of the water unknown but it is never changed, only topped off. Eat at your own risk.

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points

Great report as always Pill Pooper and good to see you back, it's been a while!

Dirty water dogs are also a staple of GUT TRUCKS, those noxious catering trucks that visit businesses and work sites.

I had an employee who ate almost nothing but gut truck food and he was the most gaseous person you could imagine. Most of his co-workers hated when he would fart near them because it was like a cloud that wouldn't dissipate. The shipper in the place used to hate that he'd bring his gut truck food into the shipping office and eat away so one day he decided to hide it in an empty drawer in the photocopying machine.

Several people came in to use the copier to make copies of lottery tickets that they were pooling on and what happened was toner from the copier was spilling into the food. The guy who's food it was finally figured out where the shipper had hidden the food (ribs in this gross orange sauce) and he commenced chowing down but complained "did you guys do something to this, it tastes weird". After he finished he wiped up and had toner stains all around his mouth. These stayed for 2 days, this black ring on his lips. The shipper who was Nigerian called him "Sambo".

Flushaway's picture

This was funny because yesterday I had my first experince of impacted poop. It took me half an hour of digging it out with my finger before the rest finally came out. Never again I hope.

Phoenyxx's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Those catering trucks are known as "roach coaches".

Must be truth in advertising laws!

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Nice story Pill - I guess you must have had to visit your local plastic surgeon for a spot of re-puckering after that big boy came out. What`s the going rate for a ring tightening?

Ahem...not that I need one...yet.

The voice of sanity

Teddy's picture
m 1+ points - Newb


_______
teddy Hay pillpooper man i feel for you i have had that in the past.I was even scared a few times it was stuck badly and it hurt to try to push it out and hurt to leave it alone so as you did charge forward.I bet $5.oo you came away with a hemmoriod i know it's spelled wrong sorry i forgot how it's spelled.One thing you should remember fiber laxitive works and is not a stimulant so you can use it as often as you need.Good story..

teddy

Teddy's picture
m 1+ points - Newb


_______
teddy I meant not a chemical stimulant that makes you dependent on it.It is a natural bulk forming laxitive.

teddy

brown baby's picture

this story had me bent over and crying

Stripper Poop's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Oh man, that's messed up. Don't be afraid of the ghetto pizza people, dude. They most definitely didn't give a shit if you ate the pizza or not, and anyway if you're going to be scared, you should be more scared that they did something to that pizza! Think of all the fucked up consequences that would have happened to those people if they did something to you for not eating the pizza. Nothing that any human being would be willing to put themselves through over two slices of pizza! You're weird, dude. Lol. I'm glad your poop finally came out though. I've had shits where I felt weak afterwards. It's a mix of exhaustion and extacy. =) Anyway, nicely written story, but don't be such a punk next time! br>_______
Strippers Poop Too!

Strippers Poop Too!

Mighty Dyckerson's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Funny stuff! I have to say I've expeled some big logs in my day, but never have I resorted to manual extraction. I consider myself very fortunate.

anal_appreciation's picture

OW!

It's been a long time since I had to stretch my hole over such a behemoth. I hate to think what'll happen to my poor little asshole when the shit demons find me again...and they will, I know it. I'm a Shameful Shitter from way back and I do sometimes hold it too long. I've yet to experience the indignity of a manual extracion, but after having looked at this site, at least I'll know I'm not alone.

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points


_You have given me a name to call the demonic spawn that spews from my ass " colon creature" Awesome!!!! Big thanks for the laughs this story brought me.______
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

Bj�rk Gu�mundsd�ttir , (born November 21, 1965 in Reyk's picture

Interesting. I've had experiences where I get some poop out, and it still feels like there's some in my intestines but it just won't come out.

Dry-Wipe's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

ive birthed a few football sized rock hard ass children in my day but i can happily say ive never had to resort to 'manual extraction'. i just sit, push & pray but regardless it is a horrible experience.

anyways great story PP, the 'it was large enough to choke a donkey' line hd me laughin so hard i almost fell out of my chair. this site always cheers me up, thanx and happy crapping to all


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oh man, i feel soo much better. i think i lost a few pounds... dont even think about going in there for at least 20-30 minutes. dont worry, i left the fan on.

oh man, i feel soo much better. i think i lost a few pounds... dont even think about going in there for at least 20-30 minutes. dont worry, i left the fan on.

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points

I don't know which was funnier - the roaches in body armor or the Holy Water... Reminds me of Jimmy Woods as the priest in Scary Movie 2.


_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Anonymous Coward's picture

"Dirty Water Dogs," or boiled hot dogs, are familiar eats in the New York and New Jersey area, and the best ones often come from roadside stands.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Wow, I remember when I pitched a huge loaf when I was like 8 years old. My brother and I got into my grandmothers dried apple stash. We ate a ton of those apple slices.

Little did we know, that they would shut us up tighter than a misers wallet. Both of us couldn't go for a few days and when we did go, it was horrific.

I thought and felt like my lower gut was being ripped out of me. And that log would have scared a lumberjack.

The Long Dark One's picture

Great story but you realise your gullet is in your neck?

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Long Dark One is geographically correct. Technically, it's the esophagus. It can also be considered the portion of a unicellular organism that pulls in to surround and ingest food particles, like in paramecia.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Lakesnake's picture

Hi There,First time post,So im a newbe,im on alot of other forums!

That had me laffing so hard,I forgot how i found this site,reminds me of the day after i joined,Fantastic Job!!! Should be a author!,I dont know how i can tell my storie as good as yours,But will try later! Thanks,i needed that!

Anonymous Coward's picture

If you like poop take a look at our MTV spoof on funnyordie.com

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/e6f6ab4718

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