Sounds like your boss secretly enjoys the stench, or he`d have fitted some decent extract fans in the toilets.

"I lift the seat and sit directly on the porcelain both to get things as close to the water as possible and to create as little shit-to-air contact time as possible."

I really don't think that would make that big a different...and sitting on that porcelain wouldn't be worth the hassle.

I remember when I spent 6 weeks in the county jail back in 1987...there were NO seats on any of the toilets..that was a rough 6 weeks in more ways than one.

Actually TB, we rent the space in an office building; and on Monday morning the boss requested that I call maintenance to ‘check the fans’ in our restrooms. I believe I have been at least partially vindicated by the report from the maintenance guy this morning.

He said that the fan in the ladies hopper (which sounds like a freaking airplane engine) is not working correctly – and needs to be cleaned and dis-assembled; possibly replaced entirely. It is “Not sucking any air out at all.”, to quote him directly.

It's not your fault the can is close to his office.They can't expect you to never take a work dump.If they can't fix the fan,Monica Lewinsky is temping.

Excellent story PaL! In our office, the shitters are right across the hall from the HR manager's office. The fans work good, but they don't mask the sound.

This is what I'm wondering: why don't we all soundproof our bathrooms? In both homes and public places? Can't we put some sort of lining in the walls? Because bathrooms are built to have great acoustics for picking up every little sound. Just an idea.

Geez, don't these people have work to do? Do they sit there all day and smell some poor woman's oatmeal crap?
Anyway, sounds like you got one of the crappy cover-up air fresheners. For a smelly toilet you need heavy duty air cleanser.

I'm giggling to myself at your giggling, Pinch! Love the story!

oh...uh...I'm NOT giggling, I'm chuckling...much more testosterone-y than giggling....

Great story there pinch! I dont think that the crap to air ratio affects it though. If its gonna stink somehow the stench will find a way to do it. Keep on crappin.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

Maybe you need to go in and smell your boss poop, then smear it on his desk. Who's crapping now, Mr. Air Freshener? I think also there is too much stank in normal public batrooms to him be able to smell you from the crowd.

Good story, PAL. Doniker, when you say your stint in the slammer was rough in more ways than one, is it possible that you lost your virginity to your cell mate there? Another piece of the puzzle comes together.........

Great story PaL. I worked in an office that shared a floor with another business, the one business was a law firm and the people there were standoffish and not too easy going whereas the people I worked with were a lot of fun.

One day I ventured into the can and it was like an assbomb of deadly proportions had gone off. I pissed and looked at the shoes in the crapper, I thought it was my coworker and I said in a "Jesus Christ Bernie, light a match" and I rolled my lighter under the partition. It got kicked back and I picked it up, washed it and my hands and sauntered out. As I was chatting with our receptionist out walked Ron the lawyer from the other office just glaring at me.

"Doniker, when you say your stint in the slammer was rough in more ways than one, is it possible that you lost your virginity to your cell mate there?"

I was waiting for a comment like this. I didn't have a cellmate; due to overcrowding I was in a dorm style setting with about 50 dudes all in one huge room...we all slept on mats on the floor. We were all classified as "not violent" but when a fight did break out those inmates were permenently removed from the area.
The day I was booked into the jail alot of people fucked with me and threatened to beat and/or rape me just to see if I was a pussy or not. By the 3rd day I was fucking with the newbies myself. To your disappointment, I didn't experience or witness any sexual abuse.

Anyway, 50 dudes with access to only 2 seatless toilets...it really sucked.

I hear that one, Doniker. About the fans, er air handlers we maintenance technicians call them, they are fucking huge-6 ft across, and move a shitload of air. They are also, as one might logically expect, a royal pain in the ass to disassemble and service/replace/repair. I used to work on those things.

_______
(insert ziggy boogy doog here)

You should go poop on your boss' desk. That'd show him. Show him what, I dunno-- but it'd show him somethin'...

_______
Don't be playin' with the Queen of Sharts

Just to clarify, the toilets in our office suite are small one-pot-shot home bathroom type shitters. Positioned side by side next to the bosses office. His door is at a right angle to the crappers. I'm thinking there can't be a 6 foot fan up in that ceiling because the room itself isn't more than 4 feet wide... I'm hoping that when maintenance comes in to check things out this weekend they are able to fix or replace the malfunctioning unit with little trouble.

As an update, my boss was traveling earlier this week so I was free to "doo" what I pleased as far as the bathroom was concerned. He's back today... :(

Great story, Pinch! I was giggling so hard when you lost it in your boss' office I almost got in trouble from my OWN boss.

_______
Holy skid marks Batman!

Doniker, I still have my doubts. Are you suppressing the memory?

PAL, very amusing story. I especially enjoyed the letter at the end. Had to giggle at that one for quite a while. Sounds like you have a pretty good boss, even if he has to put up with that stench.

_______
If a man farts and no one's around, does he make a sound?

Thanks TSV, he is a pretty good guy. When I informed him of the malfunctioning fan and their intent; 'to clean and if that doesn't work - replace' he was quite happy.

The only catch is that maintenance isn't sure they can find a fan to fit the current space (if indeed it's toast). So the man said they may have to rip out the ceiling to replace it if it comes to that. The boss's response? "Rip out the ceiling, whatever they need to do to take care of this! Get it done!" lol

"across the hall from the HR manager's office. The fans work good, but they don't mask the sound."

So, you can hear the HR manager chewing people a new anus then? Just what we all need: a little entertainment to go with our afternoon constitutional.

_______
Deja Poo - Because this shit's so strange, it couldn't ever have happened before.

"Doniker, I still have my doubts. Are you suppressing the memory?"

OK I lied, I was the cell block bitch. Are you happy now? Are you going to insult me? Your whole flame game is so boring.

This will be one of my favorite stories ever. Wow! A poop memo. Who woulda' thunk?

I hope you stick around, because I'm sure that you have other stories up your sleeve. Excellent job.
_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I too consider myself a shameful shitter, but feel compelled to share my stories with my wife. Hell, it's her spicy and tempting meals that cause the various activities to happen as they do.

Great story, reminds me of a few similar office events that I will share in the future.

Hey i once worked at this waste management (read industrial / residential garbage) company with 2 shitters that were positioned on either side of the reception at main entrance. They were probably made for santas little helpers. I couldn't bring myself to unload cos they didnt have much flush power. I used to drive out to the airport, pay 8 bucks for parking, and dump the lunch load there.

The same company had a field office out in the sticks. I used to have to go there sometime. Once i walked in to the office and got hit by something worse than zyklon b. I asked the ops manager if they had been parking the raw sewage collection trucks in the yard overnight... when this little sales lady came out of their crapper.

A good cup of coffee beat an enema any day, huh!

In regard t the smell, there's a new thing that prevents some of the odor from escaping from the toilet, they're these drops that you put in the toiliet water (before you..uh...pinch a loaf?) Why doesn't your boss have evryone buy some? That eliminates the crap and air freshener smells.