I can see two options here, droogie, both involving the bathroom lock:

1. Locking the door activates the fire alarm.

2. Locking the door activates the continuous playing of Wagner`s "Ride of the Valkyries" from Apocalypse Now at full bore.

Both options will immediately clear the room, letting you open the bomb bay or strafe the swamp with your chain gun in peace.

I like option 2!

Seriously, If it's that big a deal, install some sound insulation, or rig one of those ambient noise thingies so that it turns on/off w/ the bathroom lights, except put it's speaker just outside the bathroom door.

What happened to the tried and true "COUGH COUGH"? Its worked for me flawlessly.

Anonymous Coward above, there have been times where for me a cough, cough to cover a shit would have made me sound like I was a tuberculosis patient with emphysema and a major case of bronchitis, who was sneaking a cigarette before lung surgery, to remove cancerous nodes, from my transplanted lungs, from a coal worker from China.

Now, the solution to this problem is really simple droogie (nice report BTW). First choice would be to install an industrial lockout or electric eye curtain in your toilet rigged to either Thunderboxes idea of Flight of the Valkyries or my fave The Immigrant Song riff by Led Zeppelin (it has tension and urgency, much like a dropping turd, and should this be a nasty one you may be able to provide your own Robert Plant like wail).

A lockout/electric eye curtain works by the same method a burglar alarm is tripped. Just have the eye curtain set under the bowl so as soon as a turd passes the eye it activates the music. You can find everything you need to build your light curtain here.

To make things even more comforting each person could choose their own music to accompany their
anal eructations. For instance, if you had an accountant in your office he may choose to have the song "One" is the loneliest number by Three Dog Night, an engineer might choose "My aim is true" by Elvis Costello (P.S. about the only good Costello album IMHO), a middle aged gay secretary may choose "wake me up before you go go" by Wham, as you can see the possibilities are endless.

This is all about comfort and keeping your office a great place to work. Hopefully this helps.

What would happen if you DID bring this out into the open, and just start a conversation about it with your workmates? Maybe it would be a bonding experience, and maybe it would bring out some good suggestions. What if everyone in the office pitched in for insulation?

I think a boombox in the restroom is a great idea, and if the thought of your poos being audible is too much, there's always putting a bit of toilet paper in the bowel first as a cushion. It works pretty well.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Daphne, did you say to put the cushion tp in the bowel or bowl??? Im confused.

The best thing we found for hanging on walls to deaded "undesirable sounds" was a heavy canvas flag or wall rug (Floor rugs are cheaper and just need a few more nails though :) . A roomate had a huge heavy canvas flag that we hung on the living room wall that was adjacent to the hallway where everyone entered the building. I was amazed how much it actually helped deaden the noise of everyone slamming the main door to the apartment building.

We also hung up a heavy blanket on the wall facing our new neighbors when the noisy bastards moved in.

Its cheap, simple, and helps a lot!

Switch restrooms with the ladies in the office. They'll come up with a solution pronto.

End the forum ban! Bring back CEP!

CEP

OH shit. Typo, prarie! God, what a bad typo, too. Yes, put the toilet paper in the BOWL, laying one or two layers down on the surface of the water.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I suppose one can get used to anything but if I worked in an office like yours, I'd probably be looking for another job.

I knew what you meant. That is one of those mistakes you couldn't make if you tried. Sorry, I could'nt resist.

Flush the toilet just as Elvis leaves the building.That pretty much muffles a lot of the
ass music.

Im not sure how well it would work, but try leaving the seat up and sit directly on the bowl. That would eliminate the gap between seat and bowl where sound could escape. Or just go outside and shit behind someones car.

Cats baby...line the bowl with cats. As you drop the kids off, their unholy howling, shrieking and hissing would surely cover any butt trumpet noise, and their soft fur would most certainly absorb and splash down effects. You may want to consider declawed cats, unless you really WANT that vasectomy.

ok, heres what you do. I call it the scoop poop. poop a little bit out at the time into your hand and place it in the bowl softly and very slowly. untill your done with the entire log. got a towel around? thats the best for wipeing your hands just use the back (its whats I do at my grandparents house) or flush and wash your hands out in the bowl.

works every time.

Bilgepump! Are you going to rent out poor Poopsie's family?
Bunga Din, I like the music idea. Mind you, I'd have to play something by Mr.Methane. Why, because it would be funny!

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You could play hardcore porno so everyone thinks your fucking in the bathroom instead of taking a massive deuce

You could try singing..."Fly me to the moon, let me sw-i-i-i-ing amongst the stars...

How about "Swinging on a Starfish"?

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

I second the idea about laying some toilet paper down into the toilet bowl. It acts like a buffer and can gather poo. Be sure to know how much stuff you've got gathering down in the bowl, however. And it's good to know the capacity of the toilet. Industrial ones can handle lots of poo and associated tp, but little dinky at-home toilets can have a tendency to flood. :)

Does it really matter? You go in there to shit - therefore you make shitting noises! What else would they think you were doing in the cubicle? Would you not rather they knew you were shitting??

You have heard their noises. It's not like yours are any different.POOP AWAY my friend.
What difference does it make?
NOW, catching someone masturbating?
THAT would be embarassing. Pooping however, ehh whatever.

Strategically place toilet paper under each side of your buttocks so when you let one drop it is instead craddled on the TP.

It's a bit difficult but it works:
- Break into the home of an office worker
- While he's asleep, sneak into his room and knock him out.
- Make a casting of his face
- Ask a mold maker to case his case in latex.
- Learn his mannerisms and use them as you wear your new face and enter the bathroom without shame.

Um, just turn on the water faucet...

Hmmm...
Quite a problem. Try digging through your books of Local Council Building Requirements, or even the national Occupational Health and Safety Requirements.
Here in Australia, the OH&S act requires that there be a minimum of 2 dividing doors between a shithouse and a meal room.
So maybe a second wall that wraps across the front of the shitter room and exits on the side might help.

Oh man, you guys down under have toilets IN your homes???? Lucky bastarrds.

Yep, BP, we've got 'em INside the house these days. But I recall (with horror) the childhood visits to my nanna's place, which was, as we say, in the bush (meaning in the sticks; a long way from the suburbs; rural). Nanna's place had the old outside dunny-can in the corrugated iron out-house, about 50 yards from the house.
Terrifying for a little boy from the suburbs!

So do you wipe with Koalas then? I use cats.

Bilge, the really tough guys down under wipe with Tasmanian Devils.

I must be a real wimp. Forgive me. *sniffle* I only use toilet paper. The feral cats here can kill domestic dogs, koalas are too far up the trees, and I've never been to Tassie...

Well....shrimp, maybe? Start slow and work your way up to the big stuff, BM.