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 My Shame, My Office, And The Bright Green PicklePosted 03.17.2006 by doniker (1535)
It has now been seven months since I started my new job at a small company with ninety employees. When it comes to shitting, it's a world of difference compared to my previous position, in which I worked for a large corporation. At that office, shitting was a shameful, unspoken act; but here at my current place of employment, the subject of shitting is commonplace. This is really helping me liberate myself from my Shamefulness.
The other day while at work, I got a sudden case of the cramps out of the blue. I have been eating a lot of vegetables lately and they always clean me out. I let out some massive farts which only unblocked a mad rush of diarrhea from my colon. We have a set of bathrooms on all four floors of our little building; I work on the first floor, so I ran to the first floor restroom. This bathroom contains a urinal and two tiny stalls -- but unfortunately some "suit" was occupying a stall. My Shamefulness got the best of me. I exited and ran up the back stairs to the second floor shitroom. This bathroom contains two stalls, one of which is a handicrapper. There is also a couch in this bathroom. And no, I have never witnessed anybody sitting on it. To my dismay, bathroom number two also had a patron taking a dump; but I was in urgent need to unload. I jumped into the handicrapper, ripped down my pants, and sat down, my opponent's right shoe just a mere two feet from my left shoe. My poor bunghole let go immediately and all that could be heard was a torrent of splashing into the bowl under me. Relieved, the waiting game began. I had already put on enough of a show, so there was no way I was exiting first. We both sat in silence and I just stared at this person's shoes and pants so I could figure out later who it was. After maybe seven minutes, my mystery cellmate gave up the fight and quickly packed up, washed up, and ran. I didn't feel so bad stinking up the second floor shitter because the IT guys who work on the second floor are always coming down and stinking up the first floor crapper. And this leads me to the story of the mysterious pickle. One day this guy Joe, the most Shameless Shitter I have ever met, flags me down and tells me, "You gotta see this." There in the bowl in the first floor bathroom, Joe shows me this giant turd. Now, there is no paper to be seen -- just this huge, green, almost florescent beast. As we discussed who could have left this trophy, I was thinking it was actually Joe himself, and that this was his sick and twisted way of showing off his work. Joe is very proud of his stench and always broadcasts when he is going to take a shit; and sometimes when he is finished he will come into my office to say the classic, "I wouldn't go into the bathroom if I were you." Joe lives to tell bathroom tales, like how he was in the crapper taking a shit when our accountant quickly ran into the next stall and just "let go." Joe loves the bathroom jokes -- even the simple pranks of turning out the lights while you are at the urinal, leaving you to feel your way out of a pitch dark tile-and-porcelain tomb. Most of his other jokes are juvenile, like throwing wet wads of toilet paper at you, or running a piece of paper over your shoe from under the stall. But Joe isn't the only one with no shame. We also have Tim, who loves to fart loudly in front of almost anybody and laugh about it. Of course, his favorite is to trap people in the elevator... I think he saves gas for these occasions. And there's Bernice the receptionist, who will call me and blatantly admit that she has to poop as she asks me to "cover the front desk." Even my boss tells tales like how his son clogs up the toilet with his "monster logs." And let's not forget Louis, who will bust into the bathroom and shout, "I'd get out of here if I was you cause I'm fixing to destroy this place!" as he proceeds to drop and squirt without missing a beat. Yes, the new job has some real Shameless, shit-loving employees... the next step is to get up the nerve to introduce a few of them to PoopReport. Post new comment
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