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make it a brown christmas

Two Quests For Relief

Posted 11.10.2006 by ChiknGreez (52)
In an attempt to lose weight, I have been on a new food and exercise regimen that includes a large percentage of fiber in my diet. As a result of said diet, when it's time to go, it's time to go.

While at work last week, I had a sudden and urgent need to unload -- but I had no relief to let me leave my desk. When my team's relief came to work an hour-and-a-half late, I found my chance and headed to the restrooms that are just outside the door to our work area. The men's restrooms in our building are shared by hundreds of people from several companies and many different types of jobs. I work in IT; some of the guys I work with are upwards of three hundred pounds. This particular restroom is right near the loading dock, so nerds and blue-collar workers alike share this three-toilet dream palace.

As I opened the first stall, I noticed immediately the toilet paper graveyard that used to be a toilet bowl. "There's no way that'll flush," I thought, and moved to the next stall.

In the second stall I discovered the most ghastly, disgusting, disturbing-yet-hilarious thing I have ever seen. I would have to describe it as something that came from an elephant with a bleeding hemorrhoid. I have never seen a turd so large come from a human being. I could tell right away why it was still in the bowl -- it was literally too big around to fit through the toilet drain! The water was a mixture of yellow and red, which means that not only did someone have trouble forcing it out of his body, but he also had trouble getting it disposed of without something to break it up with. "There's no way that'll flush," I thought, and moved on to the third stall.

With great surprise I found in the third stall something less solid than the last. There before me was Mount Shart: a small hill of half-liquid doo doo butter whose "peak" actually rose a couple of inches out of the water, its base covering eight-inches diameter at the bottom and completely blocking the drain.

"There's no way that'll flush," I thought, and went into a panic. Still being more than a couple of hours overdue for an unloading, I booked it to the west end of the building only to find that the cleanest facilities in our building were under daily maintenance. With Turd Ferguson on my tail (literally), I quickly made my way to the east lobby, taking great care not to unclench my butt cheeks. When I arrived at THOSE bathrooms, I did make it in, and I found an empty stall.

After the business was done and I was washing my hands, I noticed that a co-worker was coming out of the stall next to me. A female co-worker! Apparently her adventures with some unpleasant women's restrooms and routine maintenance had led her to the same exact place. The funny thing is that she didn't realize the men's restroom she invaded in her pee-panic also doubles as the men's locker room for our on-site gym. She was forced to hide inside her stall with the door locked due to the men coming in to shower -- the last thing she wanted to do was walk out of the stall and be eye-to-eye with a nude male coworker. She felt it was safe to come out only when she recognized me through the cracks in the stall; she told me her story on the way back to our work area.

Three turds and a lady!

I wish I could have gotten a picture of that bleeding elephant turd.



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DungDaddy (1386) -- 11.10.2006

Bleeding Elephant turd! Ha Ha! Is this the first post?

Nine Inch Log (362) -- 11.10.2006

snd you weren't embarsased by popping in the stall next to her? Wow, shameless man.


_______
Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

healthy 1 (1427) -- 11.10.2006

Great first story. Taht first bathroom reminded me of a game show.

Behind stall #1 we have an elegant toilet paper graveyard. Iiin stall #2 we have a gargantuan bleeding elephant turd. Last prize is behind stall #3, a trip to Mount Crapmore.
All of these prizes are courtesy of My Gut Ain't Right.
_______
A man who farts in church, sits in his own pew.

daphne (3680) -- 11.10.2006

Did you tell anyone who was in the cleaning department (janitors?) about the toilet by your desk? Who is responsible for cleaning that up?

I wonder if that bathroom didn't get cleaned until the end of the day when normal office buildings have their cleaning crews come in and work. Do you know?


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Lincoln's Log (not verified) -- 11.10.2006

The guy who took the big elephant shit was the guy from the story earlier in the week. He was the guy moaning " Oh God". We now know why.

Fudgepump (366) -- 11.11.2006

I'll give the 3 perpetrators credit for realizing that their creations were probably unflushable, and leaving them in place to be dealt with properly. That's preferable to covering the floor with shit soup or papier-mache. I wonder, though: if the stalls were equipped with choppers or swizzle sticks, would people use them? Or is there some element of the artist's pride in his work operating here? Sounds like blood, sweat and tears were part of the Elephant Man's creation.

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 11.11.2006

While have work done to my house, I returned one day to discover a truly HUGE turd in my loo. Took five flushes before it went away.

Lincoln's Log (not verified) -- 11.11.2006

The Elephant Shit was created with blood sweat and tears.That leaves us with 3 suspects.Joseph Merrick,David Clayton Thomas and Winston Churchill.

too lazy to log in (not verified) -- 11.11.2006

Go back to the stall with the elephant turd and take a picture. Even if it's long gone, any chance to see such a giant thing is well worth it.

bdb777 (1) -- 11.14.2006

ha. I feel your pain. It seems like when I filled out my profile one question here was what kind of pooper are you,a nd I'm definitely a shameful sh*tter.... I face a dilemma like yours often, but even worse, becuase its not just that the toilets may not be working, but I hate taking a dump w/ other people around..

Being in my 30's now (and having studied cancer biology) I'm trying to do a better job of eating right, etc; including fiber.. so I usually start my day out with a shake consisting of a packet of carnation instant breakfast (which has lotsa vitamins etc), a scoop of protein, a frozen banana, and.. wal-marts version of metamucil (fiber). its a pretty good chocolate flavor and the metamucil doesn't really contribute to the taste though it does make it thicker and a little grittier.

I'm typically very reluctant to use .. well, really any bathroom but my own at home to take a dump in. I just don't like doing my business anywhere but at home.
however, since I've been working at the tiny biotech I'm at -- combined w/ my abovementioned new-ish breakfast habits, unfortunately I can no longer wait til I get home for my daily dump.. that metamucil moves stuff thru so that by midmorning I've GOT to do something.
fortunately the comapny I'm in is in this building with other tiny little biotechs, and as a result its not like using the bathroom in a downtown courthouse or halftime at the football stadium-- 90% of the time you're in there all alone, much to my relief.

so, today I'm in there doing my business and I guess due to the dinner I made myself last night (including a healthy portion of grilled red onions) it was definitely pretty toxic in there... I actually had just finished and was just about to flush when this guy comes in. being a shameful sh*tter, and knowing that it stunk, I didn't want him to know who I was [the other disadvantage of being in a small building -- I didn't want to be forever branded in this guy's mind as "that stinky sh*tter!!, since I'm sure I'll run into him again] so I just stayed on the pot til he left.
now when I go into the bathroom and it stinks (and the culrpit is still in there), I just go to the sink, wash my hands and leave, or just turn around and leave, and come back later... I guess this guy REALLY had to take a piss cuz he charged on in and went to the urinal. he did his job, zipped up , skpped the handwashing and sprinted for the door. as he lunged thru, I kid you not I heard his explosive exhalation (as he apparently was holding his breath the whole time) but not just that he merely expelled the air he'd been holding but he actually made an exclamation too: " WHEWWWWW".. all before the door closed..
I waited a few seconds longer to make sure he'd leave the lobby (and hoped he wasn't hanging around to confirm the identity of the source of stinkiness) and then flushed and left.
I didn't know whether to be embarrassed or proud... so I just laughed.

freddy krueger 16 (31) -- 12.23.2006

Wow...That woman's got a fucking nerve.

why? just say it ppl (not verified) -- 01.19.2007

omg all u guys who are like " sh*tter" - jsut get out there and say it -- shitter ... not too difficult. i like the whole "bleeding elephant turd" thing.

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