I, Dave, founder and editor of PoopReport, am pleased to announce that I postponed my normal evening ablution until 12:01 AM on Friday, April 14, 2006, so that I might appropriately usher in this glorious day.

It is midnight here in New York City, and yet I hear birds singing. And that is all I hear. No horns are honking. No sirens are screaming. I hear the rustle of the wind, the sigh of the clouds slipping by, and eight million toilets flushing in unison.

Tomorrow on the subway, my coffee and my oatmeal will already be hard at work. But I will fear not what might slip from betwixt my cheeks -- for on this joyous day, what radiates outwards from my nether regions is only love. The others on the train will sniff, and wrinkle their noses, and tears will slip from their eyes. But they will breathe deep. These are tears of joy; for that scent, that odor, that magnificent and benevolent funk -- that is the smell of world peace.

Tomorrow (it's still Thursday for me), I'm going to print a bunch of Guide Sheets and put them in every bathroom in The Mall! Poop!

(Where I'll be killing time while the new tires get put on the car)
_______
"You polished up my low-flow, and I dirtied up your bowl!"

Dave - I'm happy to tell you that I am pooping for peace as I write this (hurray for wireless internet!!). Also, probably being the only member from Bombay, India, I ASSure you that this great day marks a new beginning for the millions of shameless shitters here in the Indian sub continent. Victory to the (bowel) movement!!
_______
Everything is funny as long as it happens to somebody else.

Well, I had an interesting poop just now. Spicy noodles make for an "exciting" exit.

However, I wasn't thinking about peace. I was knee deep in the Dirty Protest that I saw portrayed tonight on the History Channel. It has made me thankful for many things while I sit and doo my dooty, one of them that I actually have a toilet.

A very deep poo all in all, kind of peaceful but mostly lost in the immense history of the world and how peace and freedom are but fragile things.

All this and my Spongebob blankey.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969

All you need is poop,
(All together now)
All you need is poop,
(Everybody)
All you need is poop, poop,
Poop is all you need

because i really do care about humanity i have given a poop, and i have done so for the last 54 years.

I think I'll poop for war since I'm military and despite what the liberals say in their bumper sticker inspired rhetoric, war is sometimes necessary. Hitler, Tojo, Mussolini, Stalin, Hussein, Kim Jung Il, etc would not let you poop for peace if it weren't for wars.

I thought you might like to know, not only did I poop for peace, but I did it in the Pentagon! First floor, Corridor 4, D-Ring, in the bathroom just to the left of the passageway that leads down to the "Reflection Room" in honor of the 9/11 victims. (As opposed to the one that's just to the right of the p-way. Yes, there are two men's bathrooms about 25 feet apart. Great design. I have no idea where the women go.)

For any of you that haven't had the joy of pooping in this great building, most of the toilets are the kind that autosense when to flush. And there's some hellacious water pressure in there. So it's a real problem when it comes to wipe. If you lean too far foward, or godforbid stand to wipe, you can set the thing off, and you'll usually get a little splashback on you. The trick is to find the bathroom/stall combination where that's least likely to happen.

So top that for peace-pooping!

I added extra blueberries to my breakfast oatmeal just for that bonus festive touch later this morning. And the coffee in the office is stronger than usual today. Ahh, the anticipation...

_______
I work at a poop plant, so I know whereof I speak.

SSpiffyPoo

I am proud to have both been a part of, and to have had, such a remarkable movement. Perhaps we are no closer to peace than we were yesterday; but if this Brotherhood of Belching Bungholes helps lead us at least closer to understanding, then we have truly accomplished greatness.

Oh my god, I pooped today twice and just now discovered I was working for peace and didnt even know it!

When we can poop in peace, the rest of life is usually pretty damned good. Lots of things must come together to create a Poop for Peace

We've had enough to eat--otherwise we cannot poop

We have a place to poop

That place is peaceful

Our minds are peaceful

Our asses are relaxed

What we ate supported our bodies and gave good poops--not too hard, not too soft.

When you have all this together, the rest of life is usually quite satisfactory.

In a few weeks, I am taking formal laypersons vows to enter the Soto Zen Buddhist tradition.

Our founder, Dogen Zenji, gave instructions to monks about everything, including how to do mindful shitting. His chapter on this subject begins (am not kidding!) 'When a monk wishes to practice beneath a tree...'

Before entering the toilet, we remove our ordination garment and hang it outside--there's a Zen procedure for entering and exiting toilets and we have a little buddha altar outside each toilet at our Zen Center. We bow when we enter and exit the crapper.

In Zen, its all good, and all deserves a bow, including the toilet.

When you become head monk, you're given the job of cleaning the toilet. In the old days,the head monk cleaned the community latrines--which meant hauling the communities poop to the dungheap to enrich the vegetable patch.

A Zen Poop Dharma Talk

We do not live for ourselves alone

We do not poop for ourselves alone

Not when our poop feeds the vegetables we eat

Our lives are intertwined with all lives. Our Poop affects the universe in ways we cannot imagine.

In the act of Pooping for Peace
We discover Pooping Is Peace

When we do something for the simple satisfaction of doing it, just savoring the present moment--that's selfless service.

Scrubbing the toilet is enlightenment
Replacing the TP is enlightenment
We we use the TP, we seek to leave no trace

In the act of Pooping we discover what spirituality really is:

As each Turd exits, leaves its Source we witness Unity as it becomes Diversity

If we cooperate and support this process, there is Effort but no Suffering. Bliss is ours.

If we are Shameful Shitters and fight this process, this struggle give rise to Suffering. This struggle generates causes and conditions of karma that result in immediate mental torment, and years later, ass diseases.

Therefore fellow shitters, know that in this very body, in this very life, through this very asshole, on this very toilet,
this day, pooping for peace,

You have turned the Wheel of TP Dharma.

May All Beings Be Happy

May All Beings Experience Peaceful, Easeful, Bountiful Poops

i poop for peace i poop high i poop low matter of fact i will for at the drop of a hat(anyone have a hat)
i sho loves pooping!!

Pooping for Peace has been the high point of my morning so far. I was happy to DOO my part for humanity.

Oh yeah, I forgot:

Make poo, not war.

I have a 1 - 10 scale that I use to describe the quality of my poops. For this special occasion I busted my ass and grunted out a perfect 10. It was a glorious achievement for a glorious occasion.

Shalom,

Hatte

I pinched, I prayed, I flushed, I was peaceful.

Happy P4P Day everyone!!

_______
Poop Shooter!

It's been an unusually busy day, so I'm late with this report. But this morning at 7:35 EST I dropped my piece offerings.

I'm sorry about my absence the last many weeks, but am afraid that after stepping out into the daylight to send this quick message, I will be ducking back into my cave to continue my quest. To all my PoopReport friends, I miss you; to all you PoopReport nudges and warmongers, I miss you a little, too.
LJ

Logjam, your gain (whatever it may be) is our loss. "Go" in peace, my friend.

At roughly 4:00 this morning I did my duty. The poop itself wasn't peaceful at all, but if every poop was firm, evenly coloured, and didn't fly out like a cream pie flung from a catapult, we could not have the appreciation for bowel movements that we have.

Happy Poop for Peace Day!

We have missed Logjam. Thankfully, he celebrates all the right holidays and lets us know!

And war is your job, E Everett, so I can continue to hug bunnies. Thank you for that.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969

This just came in email from Knoxschiezzen:

"I was inspired to write this song by your poop for peace concept.

"I hope you like it."

Like it??? It's AWESOME. God bless you, Mr. Knoxschiezzen. I heard Axl Rose, Bob Dylan, Louie Armstrong, and perhaps Cookie Monster... wow. With a song like this on our side, tomorrow dawns bright indeed.

Actually, Louie Armstrong and the Cookie Monster sound an awful lot alike. And, I love both of them.
_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969

Mission Accomplished! (Long post, sorry.)

I posted 10 flyers around the mall: I made the entire circuit of "anchor" stores. I posted the flyers in the handicrappers, since I had my son with me, in his stroller, and chattering to him was a good cover. I'm trying to be open about pooping, but posting bills is another story. I desired anonymity for that.

I tried to poop at Sears, but alas, only gas! By the way, I bought my roll of tape there, symbolically. I hate Sears.

Next up was JCPenney, where I was able to celebrate poop freedom!

Then came Nordstrom, where I expected to have the crap intimidated out of me, but I got in and got out with no problem.

Around the bend was RobinsonsMay, where they were having a HUGE sale, so the bathroom was PACKED! That was a bit of a challenge, but I posted the flyer and exited smoothly.

Macy's was the last store; having had lunch between Penney's and Macy's, there I was able to contribute another offering to Poop For Peace. By the way, we had eaten at a Chinese place called, appropriately enough, The Volcano Tea House. I'd never seen it before; we were meant to eat there on this day! It produced squiggles.

The final lap took us back to Sears, where I popped in to check on my flyer. I hadn't been alone in ANY of the bathrooms, so I wasn't able to take any pictures. I wasn't ready to explain why I was taking pictures in the potty.

Sadly, my Sears flyer was gone. I still had 3 more, though, and providentially, there were 3 stalls! This time, I pulled back the top flap of the next butt gasket, inserted a flyer, and tucked the gasket back up into the box for a lucky patron to discover!

I had added to the bottom, after "Poop Report.com", "Tell them GottaGoGirl sent you!" I'm curious to see if anyone checks in, here. This was as much fun as toilet papering and ding-dong-ditch back in the day!

Yay for Poop!

I haven't pooped in a couple days:(

I'm only pissed that since I posted above you, I can't give you a great comment point! (it seems to work that way).

That's just great, GGG. Let's hope you recruited somebody.
_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969

When I took a big, huge crap thinking about peace and boy did it stink like hell afterwards.

I couldn't poop this morning, but late in the afternoon I made my peace offering.

It's very satisfying to poop with a purpose.

i made my offering and it was shaped like an L for love!

I was stopped up for 2 days and getting worried that I might not be able to participate in the festivities. And then I spotted the can of potted meat in the cupboard. I am now proud to say that not only have I participated, but I think this year I made have gotten the blue ribbon!

I was disappointed because I'm so broke that I couldn't even afford and ink cartrige. It would have been funny to leave the instructions for Pooping for Peace in the bathroom at the Panda Express, but there's always next year.
I was disappointed with my initial effort. Not enough fiber today, I guess. While over at my friends' house I managed to fire off a few deer driblets, but nothing I could feel any pride in during Poop for Peace day.
A few hours later when I got home, I had much more satisfactory results. I was glad to have my trusty wet wipes by my side as I laid down the Loaf of Peace. And now I can truly feel pride in my accomplishments for April 14!

_______
Have a crappy day!
La Petomaine

C. Everett's comment that "war is sometimes necessary", along with the responses that followed, reminded me of something. Hope you don't mind the long post...

Jessep: You want answers?
Kaffee: I think I'm entitled to them.
Jessep: You want answers?
Kaffee: I WANT THE POOP!

Jessep: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE POOP!
Son, we live in a world that has stalls. And those stalls have to be guarded by men with mops. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Turdberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You Poop for Peace and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago's shart, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my Poop, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives...You don't want the Poop. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, in the pockets of your jejunum and your ilium, you want me in that stall. You need me in that stall.
We use words like honor, code, loyalty, doodie, poop...we use these words as the tailbone to a life spent excreting something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and poops under the blanket of the very freedom I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said chew weee! and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a mop and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

Kaffee: Did you order the code brown?
Jessep: (quietly) I did the job you sent me to do.
Kaffee: DID YOU ORDER THE CODE BROWN?
Jessep: YOU'RE GODDAM RIGHT I DID!

My P4P day began as an instrument of peace and good will. My neighbor is recovering from knee surgery. I took it upon myself to mow his lawn. Following that my morning cup of coffee and ritual dump forged my entry into P4P. A good deed was rewarded. Oh, the zen of it all.

Chuck, what go zen, must come out.

Hilarious, 33 1/3.
I can picture Jack Nicholson making that little speech...

I combined Easter and "Poop for Peace" into one long spring holiday.
Someone I know said they were going to poop in anEaster Basket but I think thats taking it too far.
Poop Peeps! (Peeps are those little sugar duck embryos)

Which would be better than Peep poop. Or would that just be those tiny marshmallows?

_______
"You polished up my low-flow, and I dirtied up your bowl!"

I believe we can all get behind this movement.

I was bereft of doody on Poop For Peace Day. But this morning made up for it. A big, really stinky poop. I silently dedicated it to Peace as it swirled down the tubes and into history.

_______
PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

Peace is a wonderful idea, I want it. Poop is globules of digested food, which I wanted at one time, but now find quite unnecessary. War is fowl, it wreaks of catch 22s. Poop is food's catch 22. The real question is, when will Bush be satisfied?

um... is it just me or did that last poster make absolutely no sense?

No. No, it isn't just you. They used the term "acronymous", though. Maybe there's a real post hidden in code in... whatever that is up there.

Sounds like verbal diarrhea.
"Acronymous" would mean "heights name," wouldn't it?

_______
PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

Hm. let's go with the acronymous bit...

ass (not verified)
Piawi, Iwi. Pigodf, wiwaot, bnfqu. Wif, iwoc2. Pifc2. Trqi, wwBbs.

Oh my word, it's suddenly so clear! I don't know how I didn't see it before!

Good try, FP! If there was a hidden meaning, you would've found it! PG-- An acronym is where you take the first letter of each of a set of words, making a new word that represents the whole. As in "snafu" or the Army "WACS". Since the poster used the term acronymous, I thought maybe there was some other meaning hidden in the nonsense.

But, no. It turns out that the poster isn't that smart, whomever it is. I suspect they misused the word "acronymous".

Hi
I completely understood the witty progress of Acronymous Shaft Spitters' post. I was most disappointed in those who insulted him, his post and his intelligence. Remember we are all about peace. We don't need to shame other people. Peace.

I understood all of ASS's post except for the last part about Bush and his satisfaction. It had very little, if anything, to do with the rest of his/her post. War and peace; food and poop. It's all relative.
_______
Yes, those are my brown spots. Yes, those are your walls.