If your asshole could speak, what would it say?

Submitted by shitwit on Mon, 09/24/2007 - 14:46 // 41 Comments
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41 Comments on "If your asshole could speak, what would it say?"

Bilgepump's picture
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Submitted by Bilgepump on Mon, 09/24/2007 - 22:10. //
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I rather suspect my bung port would recite several of Shakespeare's sonnets...I have an eloquent asshole.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points
Submitted by The Thunderous ... on Mon, 09/24/2007 - 22:42. //
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I know this morning my asshole told me to LAY OFF the baked chicken wings with extra red pepper in the employee cafeteria. I should have noticed when my eyes warned me with heavy watering and my throat with burning and coughing but nooooooooooo. So at around 6am this morning my asshole responed with a filthy violent burning gas filled retort of its own. Wont be eatin those anymore!
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

Postman's picture
k 500+ points
Submitted by Postman on Tue, 09/25/2007 - 13:03. //
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Mine says the same thing to me every morning-a series of farts that, roughly translated, says "Hey Dumbass, quit reading Poop Report and get in there and get rid of this log ."

Thunderbox's picture
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Submitted by Thunderbox on Tue, 09/25/2007 - 13:17. //
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My bunghole is also my shrink. When I sit on the pan, I consult it with my problems. It always responds loudly, in a frank and positive manner.

The voice of sanity

doniker's picture
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Submitted by doniker on Tue, 09/25/2007 - 15:25. //
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If your asshole could speak, what would it say?

"Lick me."

Mary Queen of Scats's picture
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Submitted by Mary Queen of Scats on Tue, 09/25/2007 - 17:09. //
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My asshole speaks all the time..."Honey what's for dinner? Honey where's my belt? Honey would you mind resurfacing the driveway while I watch Monday night football?"

_______
Man who stand on toilet seat is high on pot.

Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

DungDaddy's picture
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Submitted by DungDaddy on Tue, 09/25/2007 - 22:16. //
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"More cabbage, please!"

GGG and Dumpster's picture
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Submitted by GGG and Dumpster on Wed, 09/26/2007 - 03:16. //
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We miss Bunghole in the Jungle.

daphne's picture
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Submitted by daphne on Wed, 09/26/2007 - 04:05. //
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I have sneaking suspicions that my butthole has Turret's.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Bilgepump's picture
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Submitted by Bilgepump on Wed, 09/26/2007 - 15:04. //
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Turret's, Daph? Like tank turrets? Or Tourette's, as in syndrome? The implications of the former are disturbing and frightening, the latter, just funny...Love ya, babe!

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

P. Doody's picture
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Submitted by P. Doody on Wed, 09/26/2007 - 18:22. //
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Mine would say, "Hey, eat more roughage. We need to interact more often!"

poo_poo_poodio's picture
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Submitted by poo_poo_poodio on Wed, 09/26/2007 - 19:48. //
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If a log falls in the forest green toilet and there's nobody around to hear it, does it make a sound?

_______
"Can you spare a square?"

"No, I don't have a square to spare."

"Can you spare a square?"

"No, I don't have a square to spare."

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
Submitted by GottaGoGirl on Wed, 09/26/2007 - 20:39. //
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PPP, I'm sorry, maybe I'm just dense. Am I missing something here?

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
Submitted by Deja Poo on Wed, 09/26/2007 - 21:04. //
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"Hey, what do you want from me? I can only do so much with the shit I'm given. Otherwise, I've got no control over this. If you want to blame somebody for this mess, check with the real asshole. Do you seem him? He's up there above the shoulders."
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

The Dumpster's picture
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Submitted by The Dumpster on Thu, 09/27/2007 - 05:28. //
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My asshole DOES speak. After all, I'm a lawyer....

The Big Wiper's picture
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Submitted by The Big Wiper on Sun, 09/30/2007 - 23:25. //
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It is written: a lawyer's asshole is an open and shut case.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

pyropoo's picture
Submitted by pyropoo (not verified) on Mon, 10/01/2007 - 06:31. //
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"FUCK YOU T-P"

daphne's picture
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Submitted by daphne on Mon, 10/01/2007 - 07:35. //
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pyropoo, do you have sandpaper butt? :)
_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

shitwit's picture
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Submitted by shitwit on Tue, 10/02/2007 - 15:03. //
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Mine would say "tuck me back in - it's cold out here!" But recently it's been saying "ready or not, here it comes!"

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

pyrotechnics's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
Submitted by pyrotechnics on Wed, 10/03/2007 - 04:14. //
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ha no. just hate the repercussions of my spicy diet and multiple poops a day. first post :)

the princess and the pooper's picture
Submitted by the princess and the pooper (not verified) on Thu, 10/04/2007 - 17:14. //
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mine would say something like.... who keeps poking me in the eye?

Pratik's picture
Submitted by Pratik (not verified) on Sun, 10/07/2007 - 19:07. //
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I usally poo about 3 times a day and i am atually s****ing right now. I wipe about 5-9 times it's gross because my sis wipes about 56 times and blocks the loo so i can't do my business. I love pooing in a public toilet so others can smell the best of me. POOING is gross but going 7 times a day is even more gross man. What do you eat is what you could smell some of your food. I don't poo in school because i afraid of other people laughing at the smell.

Anonymous Coward's picture
Submitted by Anonymous Coward (not verified) on Tue, 10/09/2007 - 01:07. //
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um ok... this is really dumb lol why would my asshole talk?

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
Submitted by The Shit Volcano on Tue, 10/09/2007 - 06:07. //
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Apparently, it can type, too.

_______
What if everyone farted at once?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

GottaGoGirl's picture
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Submitted by GottaGoGirl on Tue, 10/09/2007 - 15:05. //
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(*rimshot*) Well done.

I am SO glad you're back!

GGG and Dumpster's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
Submitted by GGG and Dumpster on Tue, 10/09/2007 - 17:28. //
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We knew she was coming back. We must never be allowed to get atop the Volcano in user points!

The Dumpster's picture
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Submitted by The Dumpster on Tue, 10/09/2007 - 17:51. //
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Never.

healthy 1's picture
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Submitted by healthy 1 on Tue, 10/09/2007 - 18:15. //
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Mine would say this is Captain Fart, announcing that General Shit will be departing in 15 minutes.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Bunga Din's picture
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Submitted by Bunga Din on Tue, 10/09/2007 - 18:31. //
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The term for your butt speaking is called Assholalia, much like Glossolalia, which is speaking in tongues, our asses speak in dungs.

Ok, now where did I put my bible and them thar snakes....

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
Submitted by The Dumpster on Tue, 10/09/2007 - 18:55. //
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Handling the old butt snakes again there, Bunga?

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
Submitted by GottaGoGirl on Fri, 10/12/2007 - 05:53. //
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The Dumpster (2648) -- wrote: "Yeah, but look who is about to crawl on top of me!"

I beg your pardon, sir! That would be unladylike!

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
Submitted by SamDamnit on Tue, 10/23/2007 - 18:17. //
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Witty. My crack never fails to crack me up.
_______
SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

poo_poo_poodio's picture
l 100+ points
Submitted by poo_poo_poodio on Mon, 10/29/2007 - 07:58. //
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I need a new ass, the old one has a crack in it.

_______
"Can you spare a square?"

"No, I don't have a square to spare."

"Can you spare a square?"

"No, I don't have a square to spare."

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points
Submitted by RoboCrap13 on Mon, 10/29/2007 - 12:26. //
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"Knock, Knock."

"Who's There?"

"Poo."

"Poo Who?"

"If you're crying from taking a shite, you need a stool softener."

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Artful Dodger's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points
Submitted by Artful Dodger on Mon, 10/29/2007 - 19:40. //
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I can't understand what my asshole says because it has a stutter.

Anonymous Coward's picture
Submitted by Anonymous Coward (not verified) on Mon, 03/30/2009 - 19:35. //
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Mine would say "Captains Log...Star date 3/30/2009" "We have....some sort of....sphincter....jamming probably from the.....Romion... noodle galaxy, Mr. Scott...we need... more....power" I'm Giving her all shes got Captian...Careful shes gonna blow!! "Bones....Bones...Could you help me.... remove my....Captains log?" Dammit Jim...I'm a Doctor not an asswipe!
To boldy go where no man has gone before(and never will) :)

Anonymous Coward's picture
Submitted by Anonymous Coward (not verified) on Mon, 03/30/2009 - 20:58. //
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Oooooooooooooo-Klahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plain...

It's very theatrical and high maintenance.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
Submitted by Mrs. Mad Crapper on Mon, 03/30/2009 - 22:55. //
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Mine would probably scream profanities at me for eating so badly all weekend and getting the millionwiper rabbit shits. "You damned bitch don't wipe me so hard! Where's that soft paper?! Just wait till you're sleeping, I'm gonna get back at you for this!!"
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Dildo Baggins's picture
l 100+ points
Submitted by Dildo Baggins on Mon, 03/30/2009 - 23:15. //
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Everytime I look in the mirror my asshole smiles and says "Good morning handsome."_______
Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin' , trying to give birth to another Texan!!

Look out for Number 1, but don't step in Number2

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
Submitted by prarie doggin on Mon, 03/30/2009 - 23:48. //
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Mine says,

Roses are red
Violets are pink
I'm your asshole
That's why I stink.

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points
Submitted by El Scumbag on Tue, 03/31/2009 - 08:17. //
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Mine would probably complain about appalling working conditions and wish to discuss compensation for industrial injuries. My anus is a bit of a socialist, I think.