If your asshole could speak, what would it say?

// 41 Comments
k 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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41 Comments on "If your asshole could speak, what would it say?"

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I rather suspect my bung port would recite several of Shakespeare's sonnets...I have an eloquent asshole.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points

I know this morning my asshole told me to LAY OFF the baked chicken wings with extra red pepper in the employee cafeteria. I should have noticed when my eyes warned me with heavy watering and my throat with burning and coughing but nooooooooooo. So at around 6am this morning my asshole responed with a filthy violent burning gas filled retort of its own. Wont be eatin those anymore!
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

Mine says the same thing to me every morning-a series of farts that, roughly translated, says "Hey Dumbass, quit reading Poop Report and get in there and get rid of this log ."

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

My bunghole is also my shrink. When I sit on the pan, I consult it with my problems. It always responds loudly, in a frank and positive manner.

The voice of sanity

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points

If your asshole could speak, what would it say?

"Lick me."

Mary Queen of Scats's picture
l 100+ points

My asshole speaks all the time..."Honey what's for dinner? Honey where's my belt? Honey would you mind resurfacing the driveway while I watch Monday night football?"

_______
Man who stand on toilet seat is high on pot.

Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

"More cabbage, please!"

GGG and Dumpster's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

We miss Bunghole in the Jungle.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

I have sneaking suspicions that my butthole has Turret's.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Turret's, Daph? Like tank turrets? Or Tourette's, as in syndrome? The implications of the former are disturbing and frightening, the latter, just funny...Love ya, babe!

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

P. Doody's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Mine would say, "Hey, eat more roughage. We need to interact more often!"

poo_poo_poodio's picture
l 100+ points

If a log falls in the forest green toilet and there's nobody around to hear it, does it make a sound?

_______
"Can you spare a square?"

"No, I don't have a square to spare."

"Can you spare a square?"

"No, I don't have a square to spare."

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

PPP, I'm sorry, maybe I'm just dense. Am I missing something here?

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

"Hey, what do you want from me? I can only do so much with the shit I'm given. Otherwise, I've got no control over this. If you want to blame somebody for this mess, check with the real asshole. Do you seem him? He's up there above the shoulders."
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

My asshole DOES speak. After all, I'm a lawyer....

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

It is written: a lawyer's asshole is an open and shut case.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

pyropoo's picture

"FUCK YOU T-P"

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

pyropoo, do you have sandpaper butt? :)
_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

shitwit's picture
k 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Mine would say "tuck me back in - it's cold out here!" But recently it's been saying "ready or not, here it comes!"

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

pyrotechnics's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

ha no. just hate the repercussions of my spicy diet and multiple poops a day. first post :)

the princess and the pooper's picture

mine would say something like.... who keeps poking me in the eye?

Pratik's picture

I usally poo about 3 times a day and i am atually s****ing right now. I wipe about 5-9 times it's gross because my sis wipes about 56 times and blocks the loo so i can't do my business. I love pooing in a public toilet so others can smell the best of me. POOING is gross but going 7 times a day is even more gross man. What do you eat is what you could smell some of your food. I don't poo in school because i afraid of other people laughing at the smell.

Anonymous Coward's picture

um ok... this is really dumb lol why would my asshole talk?

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Apparently, it can type, too.

_______
What if everyone farted at once?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

(*rimshot*) Well done.

I am SO glad you're back!

GGG and Dumpster's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

We knew she was coming back. We must never be allowed to get atop the Volcano in user points!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Never.

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

Mine would say this is Captain Fart, announcing that General Shit will be departing in 15 minutes.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points

The term for your butt speaking is called Assholalia, much like Glossolalia, which is speaking in tongues, our asses speak in dungs.

Ok, now where did I put my bible and them thar snakes....

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Handling the old butt snakes again there, Bunga?

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

The Dumpster (2648) -- wrote: "Yeah, but look who is about to crawl on top of me!"

I beg your pardon, sir! That would be unladylike!

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Witty. My crack never fails to crack me up.
_______
SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

poo_poo_poodio's picture
l 100+ points

I need a new ass, the old one has a crack in it.

_______
"Can you spare a square?"

"No, I don't have a square to spare."

"Can you spare a square?"

"No, I don't have a square to spare."

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points

"Knock, Knock."

"Who's There?"

"Poo."

"Poo Who?"

"If you're crying from taking a shite, you need a stool softener."

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Artful Dodger's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

I can't understand what my asshole says because it has a stutter.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Mine would say "Captains Log...Star date 3/30/2009" "We have....some sort of....sphincter....jamming probably from the.....Romion... noodle galaxy, Mr. Scott...we need... more....power" I'm Giving her all shes got Captian...Careful shes gonna blow!! "Bones....Bones...Could you help me.... remove my....Captains log?" Dammit Jim...I'm a Doctor not an asswipe!
To boldy go where no man has gone before(and never will) :)

Anonymous Coward's picture

Oooooooooooooo-Klahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plain...

It's very theatrical and high maintenance.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Mine would probably scream profanities at me for eating so badly all weekend and getting the millionwiper rabbit shits. "You damned bitch don't wipe me so hard! Where's that soft paper?! Just wait till you're sleeping, I'm gonna get back at you for this!!"
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Dildo Baggins's picture
l 100+ points


Everytime I look in the mirror my asshole smiles and says "Good morning handsome."_______
Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin' , trying to give birth to another Texan!!

Look out for Number 1, but don't step in Number2

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Mine says,

Roses are red
Violets are pink
I'm your asshole
That's why I stink.

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

Mine would probably complain about appalling working conditions and wish to discuss compensation for industrial injuries. My anus is a bit of a socialist, I think.

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