About fourteen years ago, I broke the fifth metacarpal bone in my right hand. It's the bone inside the palm of the hand directly wrist-ward of the little finger. I punched a cabinet and hooked when I should have jabbed, and pop goes the hand bone. I was in a weird cast for two weeks with an angled metal bar that my little and ring fingers were taped to. I am right handed and had been wiping with my right since I was out of diapers, so this presented me with a problem. I had to, by trial and error, learn how to clumsily wipe with my left hand. The first few poops were a challenge, but I was drinking a lot of cheap vodka at the time and had rather loose poops that cleaned up relatively easily. Just leaning to the other side for ass access seemed wrong and I was frustrated at first, and used a wet washcloth to clean up after the poop. After some practice I became proficient in the left-handed wiping technique that after two weeks, rivaled the efficiency of the right. ----Captain Craptastic!!!

I voted significant other, but in reality it could be anybody without a hang nail.

You people keep leaving out cats....

If you could train a cat to wipe your ass, I guarantee you could get on Letterman.

I've sent videos, but Dave never returns my calls....something about me wanting to flash him like Drew Barrymore did.

Let me guess, you glue q-tip ends to the claws, and spray your bung with catnip?

No, he squats on the cat, holds the tail, and shines a laser pointer over his shoulder at the wall.
Struggle, struggle, struggle, release, WIPE!!!!
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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

I can't discuss it at this point, on the advice of my attorney, due to copyright and patent laws, as well as a possible lawsuit brought forth by PETA.

Is Poopsie holding out for a bigger share of the profits? ;)
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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

No comment....(kicks burlap bag with a vengeance)

uh....I gotta go....there's some overpass work being done...need to get there.

If are going for a patent, be sure to include the rights to use all cats. Some of us big wipers might need the services of a puma or leopard.

My mom. She wiped my ass for the first four years already.

I actually picked Mr. daphne. Since we've been married, I've cleaned out his surgery wounds on both shoulders, clipped his toenails, and done his laundry. He's helped me poop when I was in labor, seen me barf, and watched a very delicate part of my female anatomy shove out two Things (he said it was like the Alien movies but didn't leave).

So, he's the poor unfortunate bastard who would have wipe my butt.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Judging from the preliminary votes so far, i think the popular acronym BFF may have to be changed to BFFOUINMAW.

I'm clearly in the "family" camp. I've cleaned my grandmother's butt, my mother's butt, my son's butt and given my wife an enema when she desperately needed one. If somebody is going to wipe my ass because I am unable, I would rather it be somebody who loves me rather than somebody who sees my ass as a meal ticket.
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Of course I can see that ideally a medical professional would be the one to prefer; however, as a practical reality, sooner or later one will be at home, not able to afford a medical professional. In any event, my wife has helped me in other medical matters and would surely do so if both my arms were out of commission. Much rather have her do it than anyone else.

I also elected the significant other. My wife has seen it all with me. She has seen me both pee and shit on many occasions. There is nothing I would hide from her.

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In search of the ever evasive BM

I live by myself with NO PLANS to marry so I would feel okay with a total stranger or medical professional if it ever got to that point.
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

I picked medical professional. It is there job and they know how to deal with the situation and not embarass the patient.

The other choices would be tough.

Family member...I've done it. I used to change my grandfather's diapers and he and I were both embarassed but it.

My wife, hell she won't even help me pop a zit on my back that I can't reach.

I would never ask a friend or a stranger.

I think I'd hold it in for a few weeks until the casts came off!

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

I picked a Family member. As a person who has broken both wrists at the same time, I have had to ask a family member. Thank goodness for Family !

Holy crap. I actually know someone who's done this. She fell on the ice and put both hands behind her to steady her fall. Ended up breaking both wrists when she hit the ground.

That sounds so incredibly painful. If you were to be alone, how hard would it be to dial 911?

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Whenever I am working on the roof, Mrs PD always makes me put a cell phone on the ground. That way I can always crawl to it to dial 911.

My teen son did break both his arms last year in a dirt biking accident. I had to wipe his butt for six weeks and give him a bath like a baby in my jacuzzi tub. Poor kid.

I'd take a total stranger. Why punish somebody I know?

I choose significant other. Gilbert is the only one I'd trust to do it. I mean, he's already been down there anyway. He knows what's going on.

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Beware the shitticane. Election, 2008.

In 1979, I had a car wreck and broke my back, so I was flat out in traction for six weeks. Believe me, you become the shameless shitter of all times under those circumstances!

Maybe I should write that up into a story--about all the different types of people I wound up having to help me with the bedpan.

I would definitely want my husband to help me wipe. After almost 20 years of marriage, he knows all about my ongoing bowel problems. Besides, he's already used to the stench!

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A Giant Log Would Be Worth Its Weight In Gold!!!!

This brings an amusing mental image to mind...Adam Sandler as "Happy Gilmore." Wrap the end of a hockey stick in TP and literally slap the shit out of you...or not.

I wanna know why there isn't an option for in-laws. I'd give my left butt cheek to have the opportunity to crap on my mother-in-law while she was wiping my ass.

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Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

It would be a good time to buy one of those toto toilets that clean your ass for you!

I've lived alone for quite a few years now, and just had a bad breakup with my "Minor Other" of 5 months.

If that hadn't happened, I might have ended up in the position of poo-wiper. He's facing the possibility of back surgery that will have him in a bigtime cast for 2 months. Well, he's on his own for THAT now...

All things considered, I chose "medical professional". Partly from the memory of my mom needing assistance with wiping after coronary bypass surgery - we ALWAYS got the nurse to do it :D

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And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

I second that motion, Queen Mary!

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

I chose my hubby. He is great with that sort of stuff.

I have had someone wipe my ass before in college; but that is another story and one that she nor I am proud of. Sorry i hav to go drop a deuce now for i have been holding it in for six days

If hubby is going to wipe this one, he better bring in a beach towel.

He's not only going to need a beach towel to clean that mess, but probably a life guard or two as well.
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Life Guard?
Deja Poo, Would you prefer Pammy or the Hoff? Both?

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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....