Which is the best ass-cleaner

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51 Comments on "Which is the best ass-cleaner"

Poop Shooter's picture
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I'm pushing for soap and water. Throw in a washcloth and what more could you want.... other than maybe an enema to clean the inside of your butt.

Have a Crappy Day!! Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

The Big Wiper's picture
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I'm looking forward to seeing what the bidet can do when I start using my Ultimate Spa/Bathroom in my new house in a little more than two months.

Then I can throw the three seashells away!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Dingleberry Roo's picture
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I'd love to have a bidet, but they're not in the budget! For now, I stick with baby wipes and TP.

SamDamnit's picture
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An enthusiastic canine does the trick. They are very thorough with that tongue.

SamDamnit!
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The Shit Volcano's picture
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I chose bidet because I get frequent million wipers. At home I don't have a bidet but I do have a sink and I plunk my ass down in it sometimes and use the stream of water to clean any stubborn shit.

I suppose it would be easier to use the bathtub, but the sink is much more fun.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

SamDamnit's picture
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Ms. Volcano,
Remind me to never wash my face in your sink.......Come to think of it, remind me never to go any where near your sink.
YUCKO!


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SamDamnit!
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SamDamnit!
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Cracktacular's picture
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It has got to be soap and water. All other means of ass cleanliness are only temporary holdovers. Kinda like watching Rocky III until you can get your hands on Rocky IV.

Crack kills

The Dumpster's picture
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Down here in Stewsburg, we always alternated between the corncobs and the Sears Catalog, depending on what time of year it was.

'Course, we've had to substitute other catalogs for the old Sears, now that it's out of print, and somehow the Victoria's Secret and Frederick's of Hollywood catalogs make a guy need to spend a bit more time in the shithouse, y'know? Got not one log to tend to, but two!

mott the poople's picture
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TP for me. Sometimes my boxers (when I wear them).

Asphincter says WHAT...(!)

Asphincter says WHAT...(!)

Poop Shooter's picture
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TSV: Do you use a ladder and scaffolding to get your ass up to the sink? Is it a big sinik with a spray nozzle or a small sink? This just does not make sence. I've been in a zillion bathrooms, and I just don't see how you could get your butthole under the faucet for a power blast without being a contortionist or having some retro-engenieered sink in your house.

I want more details on this because I just don't believe it!


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Have a Crappy Day!! Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

Chuck's picture
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Flag on the play, 5-yard penalty on SamDammit, canis lickus, repeat first down.

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I can see how some one could wash their booty in the sink. They would need one that is some what flush with the countertop. Laying on the back, they could scoot the chute under the tap. I guess the water would have to already be on though.

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SamDamnit!
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SamDamnit!
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The Dumpster's picture
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Sam writes, above, "[a]n enthusiastic canine does the trick. They are very thorough with that tongue."

Reminds me of the story of the two rednecks who are sitting under the Chinaberry tree having a chaw, and they see an old yard dog across the way licking himself very thoroughly.

"Dern," says Ezra, "I wisht I could do that!"

"I dunno," says Arze, scratching himself, "that dog might bite you."

The Shit Volcano's picture
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Poop Shooter, I took gymnastics as a child and I am extremely flexible. You have to be with an ass my size.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Poop Shooter's picture
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Hmmmm.... terrible yet interesting thoughts cross my mind, but it still seems like it would be a big pain in the ass versus hooking up a water squirter under the toilet rim thingy (mini bidet)

I mean, if you can contort your ass into a sink, couldn't you get a job with the circus stuffing yourself into a box?


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Have a Crappy Day!! Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

The Shit Volcano's picture
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I'm afraid of the circus.... Wait, no. I'm not afraid of the circus. I'm afraid of Mardi Gras. Jesters scare the hell out of me.

Anyway....

I could use the bidet under the seat thing, or else wash in the bathtub. But where is the fun in that? I like to make pooping fun! If I've gotta do it I might as well enjoy it.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Poop Shooter's picture
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Ok, so do you do this face foreward or face backward? Do you have to climb up onto the countertop, or do you have like a 72" inseam with real long legs?

I'm trying to envision this as I might try it if I can figure out how to not break my man-parts on the faucet.


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Have a Crappy Day!! Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

The Shit Volcano's picture
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Long legs help. Yes, I do have long legs.

No, I do not face forward. I face backward with the top of my crack under the running water. Then I open my buttcheeks and run the water through them this way. Easy as pie!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

SamDamnit's picture
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Disgusting! You might as well shit in the sink.


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SamDamnit!
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The Shit Volcano's picture
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Keep in mind it is only for emergencies.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Dumpster's picture
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I would rather not be around during a TSV emergency.

The Shit Volcano's picture
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Now you know why I relate to hurricanes so well. My emergencies are just as scary. Read "Storm Surge" in the forums.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

SamDamnit's picture
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Yeah. I think I lost sight of that, with all the logistical discussion. I have puked in the sink before. A couple of times, I have needed to drop trou when some one else was on the toilet. The sink was looking mighty good at that point.

I once had a girl friend that needed to pee while I was on the toilet. She decided to step out the back door and pee on the little square of cement that lay on the ground by the door. She wanted the screeen door to block the neighbors from seeing her. When she was done, she left it there. The dog promptly rolled around in the pee pee, and I had to hose the poor bastard off.

I'm sure Mary Mary (current G.F.) would have the good sense to use the sink or tub instead.


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SamDamnit!
President in Exile
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http://www.myspace.com/saintcarnivean

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

The Dumpster's picture
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Or you, Sam, ever the gentleman, could be the one to take your crappin' business out in the yard.

"TSV Emergencies." Damn if that doesn't sound like a great story line!

Poop Shooter's picture
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TSV, thanks for explaining that. Still does not sound like a good time. I brush my teeth in that sink, and don't want ass-juice where I clean my top half.


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Have a Crappy Day!! Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

The Dumpster's picture
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I do think that, if I go to visit TSV, I will stay in a nearby motel.

The Shit Volcano's picture
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Do you guys never wash your sink? In such an emergency the Lysol is always on hand. Still... It's a good way to keep unwanted jerks from the neighborhood out of my bathroom!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

diarrhea4life's picture
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diarrhea4life
I have a lot of stories, but don't know how to post them. It's akin to constipation. Someone help and give me some milk of magnesia

diarrhea4life

Bunga Din's picture
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The best for ass cleaning bums down is the bidet but I've never really gotten comfortable with using one. For me TP is the way to go, I almost never get a million wiper but even then I think my wiping techniques versus the use of a bidet would indicate only a small amount of poo particles are still present....maybe I sould have called myself Masterwiper.

The Dumpster's picture
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Dear one, you choose a handle like "diarrhea4life," yet you tell us how constipated you are. You need to visit a post called "Anti-Diarrhea Pills: Cure Of The Century?", which spells out clearly the issues between the "can-gos," and the "can't-goes."

Figure out WHAT and WHO you are, and you will have a lot happier time on this site, and we will welcome you with open arms ahh, to a point, anyway!

Keep with us D4L!! I share your miseries!

turd turdgutson's picture
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The newspaper. Newsprint feels good and smooth on the ass.

The Shit Volcano's picture
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Especially USA Today. It's the only way you'll ever get colored toilet paper in the United States.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

SpoungBOB's picture
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Here is how I do it... First use TP for the heavy shit and for the remains I use a spounge with some Baby Johnsons shampoo... economical and the cleanest of all

SinkWasher's picture
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I use the sink too. Or if I am in a public restroom, I'll use wet paper towels topped off with a nice dry one for the finishing touch. Or towel and sink together. :) If nobody is around

bideter's picture
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this is the balls: get a plastic underseat bidet on ebay about $25 . install it. i call it the "butt blaster" .
you can actually send a jet of water up your ass then push it out along with the shit. do it several times for deep cleaning. if u are reaily fastidious hang your freshly blasted butt over the side of bathtub and clean again with warm water and a shower on a hose.
if u are constipated the jet will blast thru the shit blockage! viola, instant relief!!
u hardly need tp after this. seems to cure itchy asshole too.
after this ass pampering you will hate to dump any where but home! I AM SERIOUS

Double Flush's picture
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Bideter, you are right. A good spray of water is definitely the best way to get your butt clean!

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I'm so good at clogging up toilets, I can make mine back up when there's nothing in it.

[Insert witty banter here]

Anonymous Coward's picture
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just use a water gun

crustybutt  researcher's picture
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If you can´t,don´t & won´t spread your buttcheeks,and actually scub your asshole in order to ensure that there aren´t any visible remains of Shitting; then there is a large possibilty that your asshole will eventually develop CRUSTATION. Which means nothing more than, you´re prepared for shitty Pants. Whether you wear underwear or not. In addition; your Dinkelberrys will probably have to be plucked. This process of skillfully removing shit; without removing any hairs takes years of practice,..... but it can be done. WATER + Cleanser + Four cornered ( moist Sponge) + Time = Somewhat tolerable Cleased After(ANUS). IT shouldn´t be continued........................

Inspector Pu P. Stayne's picture
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_The best ass cleaner for me is isopropyl rubbing alcohol. Just wet a cotton ball with a little bit and spread your cheeks and go to it. It may burn just a little, but it gives a nice cool feeling, and leaves you clean.______
Sam Walton has recently requested patrons not shit at Wal-Mart, they are over-stocked!

MSG's picture
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For me the best anus cleaner is Noxzema, dabbed lightly on the last piece of toilet paper; I use it for the last wipe, and my finger with the t.p. on it slides easily up the anal canal to the opening into the rectum. It feels good. The Nox was put away for some reason yesterday, so I tried some green tea & Vitamin E cleanser; too oily, so that my anus remained oily afterward. It worked, but I didn't like it.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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VERY NICE!!!

Mayoral Candidate's picture
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I take a shit, then a shower immediately after. Remove the showerhead and place the hose up the ass.

Anal Obsessed's picture
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Isn't that cold bidet water shocking? I really want to try one of those cheap ones you install under the toilet seat. Also does anyone here know if those cheap kind get clogged up or spray water all over the room? Hahaha

squirt's picture
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Get a volvic water bottle, fill it withw ater , stick it up your ass and squirt, then push all the water out

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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I would suspect that a small bottle brush would go right up the old hiney hole and, with the addition of some gentle soap, get the poop valve pink and pretty.


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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Bilgepump's picture
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So will a Dremel tool.


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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Russell's picture
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TP has always done it for me.
Well, I've always used the good stuff and not the cheap crap that sticks to your bunghole all day. Wet wipes get what TP doesn't remove.
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Russell the shitting queen

Russell the shitting queen

Deja Poo's picture
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Those salt water crappers that the Navy puts on-board their warships apparently go a long way towards ass barnacle removal.
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Holy Crap On A Stick's picture
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Of course if the hole is too tight and it's hard to clean, soap and water with a face cloth on top of the plaster handle plunger works very well if any suggestions or more advice on improving this let me know

Brown Gold's picture
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Why bother cleaning the old butthole?
I just love the smell.
And my dog does too!