The best position for pooping at home

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82 Comments on "The best position for pooping at home"

AssBlaster2000's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardj 1000+ points
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Credit for this poll goes to Poop Shooter.

The Dumpster's picture
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Remember "Hints from Heloise"? I think it was in her biography that Heloise told of things people had suggested to her that she felt were inappropriate to put in her column. One was from a lady with seven children who said she sat on the commode backward so she could use the time (and the tank top) for writing letters.

Heloise is obviously not a PoopReporter!

GottaGoGirl's picture
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I guess I'm sheltered. I'm stunned to learn that there are people out there (there are, aren't there, or did someone just make it up?) that actually put their FEET on the SEAT?!? I...I...I'm speechless. I have the mental image of that organgutan (from those Clint Eastwood movies in the 70's) jumping up and down on a commode, shaking his head, flapping his lips and waving his fringed arms. Do people (as opposed to zoo animals) really DOO that?!?

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Standard sit-n-shit here...

Remember those toys back in the 1980s called sit-n-spins? A sit-n-shit might be a great idea for a potty training tool.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Poop Shooter's picture
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GGG, there is something on this site about squatting to poop. It's better for you supposedly. It's rather difficult to stand on the seat squatting to poop unless your a gymnist or have great balance. I tried it once and about took a header. It was almost a disaster.

Like most, I'm just a sit-n-shitter as well. Once ring-around-the-butt sets in, I'm usually done!!


_______
Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

The Big Wiper's picture
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Since I believe this poll to be a bit tongue-in-cheek, I voted for none of the above. Unbeknownst to the rest of you, I actually have perfected the art of turning cartwheels while pooping. The downside is that it's difficult to detect which end is up.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

pimpturdy's picture
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you need a new one... put your ass cheeks against the wall and let er rip... ;) fire a huge turd at the wall and watch it fall down.. if its a big enough turd, the shit will get in the grout between the tile and cause a huge mess. you can also sit on ur butt on the the floor and then rock a turd. Its messy, but funny to see the mess.

SamDamnit's picture
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You dirty hover/squatters are the ones the make the horrendous messes in public bathrooms. Just sit down, dagnabbit. It aint gonna kill you.

_______
The Late Great
SamDamnit!
http://www.myspace.com/saintcarnivean

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

Bunga Din's picture
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Like The Big Wiper I'm not convinced this is one of our normal scientific polls. I'm a tad confused that my preferred method wasn't stated as I believe it's superior to all. My toilet sits directly across from my bathtub/shower. What I do is use the shower curtain rod like a gymnast would the uneven parallel bars, I get myself spinning spread my legs and just before dismount let my bowels go. If my poop hits the wall it's a 7, top of toilet tank is an 8, front of toilet tank is a nine, toilet seat is a 9.5 and if I hit it in the bowl with no skids anywear it's a ten.

Poop Shooter's picture
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Ok, all you acrobatic poopers, sorry I didn't put in a box called (flying through the air shit) for you two to check. eeks....I'm going to try that shower curtain bar trick! I'll let you know what I score.


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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

Bunga Din's picture
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I recommend you mount the bar with your back to the toilet, I could never score more than a 9.5 otherwise.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Is this going to be in the next Olympics?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Butt Sneeze's picture
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I certainly sit with my ass on the seat, but now I spread my cheeks wide to reduce the wiping and clean-up--a little trick I learned from PR.

Poop Shooter's picture
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Bunga and TSV, I'll try it facing the toilet next time. I did it and it worked ok, but I only scored a 5. Tell me, do you do one filp or two flips before you fire??

Parallel Olympic Omnisport Pooping or P.O.O.P. would be a wonderful olympic sport. Instead of steroids, they would be testing for laxatives and Magnesium Citrate to disqualify people.

BUTT SNEEZE: way cool name! I've never heard of this before. I wonder if you could incoprporate a butt sneeze into the parallel bar gymnastic evacuation manuver of Bunga's


_______
Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

The Dumpster's picture
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That's funny, PS. Perhaps instead of the Decathalon, they could have the Decrapalon, a combination of the Diarrhea Dash, the Long Dump, the Shit-Put, the High Dump, the Turdles, the Dookus Throw, the Pole Vault (males only), the Rectal Javelin Throw, and the Runs.

This could become the crowning event of the Poolympics. Anybody else have any suggestions for added competitions? For example, the "Track Meet" would consist of everyone taking off their underwear and comparing stains. I'm sure others can think of better events, though.

(And, of course, the top medal would be brown, not gold.)

Bunga Din's picture
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Dumpster, either you have way too good aim or my partners were too tight because I've done the odd pole vault myself and that's one sport I don't plan on trying again.

KeepOnCrappin's picture
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Bunga, I think he's talking about the pole you use that come as a free bonus to being born.

The Runny log dump. (Running long jump)

Synchronized Shitting (swimming)

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

juiop's picture
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I'm a regular sitter.. but I gotta try the face-the-tank trick.
_______
juiop: a juicy poop

____________________
warm brown fuzzies

Poop Shooter's picture
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I tried the pole vault once, but sprained my pole. It was painful and the cast they put on didn't hold up too long.


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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

Captain Bowels's picture
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I'm usually good for a four wall bank shot from a standing position. I get very creative with my movements. It can be very satisfying when you sink an eleven incher and called it.

Fart Poopie's picture
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GottaGoGirl, there are squatting platforms out there that you place over your toilet so that you can easily squat.

google squatting platform. you'll find a few.

Fart Poopie's picture
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By the way, I sit, but judging by the other posts in this thread, I'm obviously doing something wrong.
It sounds like I'll have to undergo a rigorous training regimen to poop the correct way.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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For target shooting, grab a plastic coat hanger and stick it in your bathroom fan. Turn it on and grab onto the hanger. Then whenever your ass is in range fire one off. See how many points you can score. In the bowl is a three point shot. Skids on the seat, but in the bowl, equals one point. No points for floor or wall splatters. If you can hit the cat as he runs screaming from the room you earn 10 points, though.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Dumpster's picture
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Sometimes I wonder if TSV needs to be locked up, for her own good.

GottaGoGirl's picture
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No, sorry. I am not, repeat: NOT going to explain to family, or friends, or neighbors, or repairmen, or the babysitter that the contraption in my bathroom is a SQUATTING PLATFORM!!!!! I don't care HOW good it is for me.

Poop Shooter's picture
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Never know GGG, they may just like it!! You could start a neighborhood trend. After time, the people in your neighborhood will all be considered "Squatters" and everyone will have happy colons and have big shit-eating grins on their faces all day long and they will be happy.

Life Will Be Good!


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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

log_blogger's picture
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Just sit. Can't do much else, except I'm in the same camp as Butt Sneeze, I like to open the pearly gates up really wide to minimize the mess. Sitting helps keep 'em spread out.
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www.mydailypoop.com

www.mydailypoop.com

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Concerning facing backwards on the toilet: My dong hits the back of the toilet....yeech...cold porcelein is not nice..

Poop Shooter's picture
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But squatting seriously spreads the cheeks. Almost a clean non wiper all the time!!!


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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

Rat Droppings's picture
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Out of curiosity, I just tried the squat method. In addition to having to clean the splash marks off the front of the seat, I had to clean the skid marks off the back of the seat. I nearly broke my plastic toilet seat which I am sure is not rated for that much weight. My back now hurts, I don't feel I fully evacuated my bowels, and it was a pain in the ass to have to fully disrobe beforehand. Thanks, but no thanks. I'll keep sitting.


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"Those who write on shithouse walls, roll their shit into little balls. Those who read their words of wit, eat those little balls of shit." Author Unknown

"Rectum hell, killed em' both." Author Unknown

The Dumpster's picture
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RD, per your recent post from elsewhere, plus the above, maybe you and KOC do need to get together! (Your bio doesn't say anything about your being attached.)

BTW, sorry about your above-described commode catastrophe. Please be advised that most of the stunts described in this thread were performed by professional poopers, in a closed bathroom. DO NOT ATTEMPT THESE AT HOME!!

_______
"Say, has anybody seen my sweet Gypsy Rose Volcano?"

Poop Shooter's picture
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Rat Dropping, I really think you did something wrong.

Another method I like (keep in mind, I'm a skinny 5-10" 158# dude) to do is sit regular on the toilet and put my feet up on the front of the rim. I call it the "lazy man squat". It'a a lot easier to keep your balance and would be easier than standing on the seat and squatting which even I have a hard time doing.


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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

healthy 1's picture
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I'm a sit & go er. PS, I also utilize the lazy man's squat, but only for special occasions.
_______
Jammin' lo'flo's since 1977.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

turdfan's picture
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I don't see any need to squat or hover or use any of the other rediculous methods described above. If you have an elongated style toilet (which is what is in our house, and probably all public buildings) the longer seat on these toilets almost automatically spreads your cheeks perfectly as soon as you sit down.

JESUS's picture
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i shit while doing a backflip over a highway on a dirtbike while shooting a chickadee in the jugular wit ha BB gun from 500 yards away.

Bilgepump's picture
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Ordinarily, I would be astounded by such a claim, but given who you are, I'm sort of unimpressed.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

JESUS's picture
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yeah, i could probably do better.

prarie doggin's picture
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But can you do that and chew gum at the same time there big guy?

Bilgepump's picture
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PD...for goodness sake, he's the son, not GOD...give the fella a break!

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

JESUS's picture
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i also use my shitting powers to rocket propel me across the world. it is quite fun indeed.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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seems a frivolous waste of miracles, but hey, what do I know, I'm a sinner.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Blind Mullet's picture
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Bilge, shouldn't the Son be able to out-do the Dad? I mean, doesn't each generation benefit from the previous? I would have thought that JC would understand iPods and computers better than his Old Man (and probably ride a skateboard better, too).
Apologies to anyone who found this blasphemous, especially JC and his Dad.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

shitake boy's picture
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I voted for the sit and shit method. That has always proven to be the most effective for me. Especially with the turds and liquishit I have produced lately. It seems like my stomach is completely out of whack, (especially now being newly unemployed :( ) I do not have the courage to try the other unorthodox methods, nor would Mrs. Shitake appreciate it, considering we share the master bathroom_______


In search of the ever evasive BM

In search of the ever evasive BM

MSG's picture
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Normally I sit and poop, as the 64% indicate they do. However, I am from time to time an adventurous type, and I have tried other approaches. Squatting on the seat is precarious and feels like I'm about to break it; further, an ever-so-slightly backward trajectory has left a turd on the back of the seat. Didn't like it. I have sat backwards on the seat; usually insufficient side room for my legs as the toilet is next to a wall or a cabinet. I did have success that way a time or two, but it wasn't comfortable, so I haven't done that lately. I have had the seat up and hovered; mostly good, but if anything pops out, it's likely on the back of the toilet as much as in the bowl. Don't like it much, though once after surgery (wearing a Foley catheter) I found that was the only way to accomplish a b.m. and had to go that way a few times. In that situation I was constipated and everything came out slow, big, and hard. No danger of missing the bowl, but the resulting splashes were quite memorable.

I have stood to poop a few times and found myself almost involuntarily going toward a hover and pulling my cheeks apart; a pure standing position would give me poop-streaks down the cheeks and might not hit the bowl.

My best unorthodox position has been to squat on the rim (not listed among the choices). I am not too fond of that, either, since the rim is narrow and slippery, without good purchase for the feet. It is a true deep squat, however, and I have achieved decent emptying that way if the movement is prompt. If it takes a while, though, I get part of it out and then have to sit normally on the seat to finish. I have also squatted backwards on the rim; if I have something to hold on to, it works. 99% of the time, though, I just sit and go.

sittingpretty's picture
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This Jesus is the anti Christ! This is Iris!

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Blind Mullet's picture
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....Who is Iris?

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Hi fellow poopers, we live with someone who stands backwards whilst producing a cleveland steamer, why is this? Also it seems to leave horrific stains on the back of the seat and also the pan. Can any of you poopers help us?

baron von crapalot's picture
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Jesus? Jesus!

_______

whats that smell?

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

prarie doggin's picture
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Here's a concept. I'll comment on the headline. For best position, I chose ass-on-bowl. It may not be the most comfortable for me, but it's greatly appreciated by every one else in the house.

jayhill's picture
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I pretty much hover just over the seat in a kind of modified squat. More than the sitting position it opens up the cheeks around the bung hole and makes for a tidier exit. I would like to do a full squat but I have found it too hard to maintain my balance and at the same time keep my tallywhacker pointed in the right direction.