Credit for this poll goes to Doniker.
I chose the last option (30 min or more), but what the fuck does "I have internal problems or I have nothing" mean? (Just wanted to show you, AB2K, that I can complain about anyone's poll).
It's a typo, Logjam. Damn, you don't cut anyone a break, do you?
Love the comments on poop and toilet-related stuff. I have a comment to post and want to know if others do likewise. In my home, I never flush the toilet at night time for three reasons: 1) it's just piss... not like a turd that will stink for hours 2) saves water, because I will pee againg in 2-3 hours, not to mention my 2 sons who also rise in the dead of night to pee in the dark 3) Too noisy. During the daytime, there is trafic noises, people talking, jets flying overhead, construction equipment, etc. At night time though, when I flush the toilet, it sounds like Niagra Falls!
Fuck off, Dave. (Opps, that's a typo. I meant Thank you, Dave.)
*GASP-- cough cough* That was so gutsy of you, Logjam.
In researching my book, Logjam, I've come across a cache of ancient scrolls found deep within the bowels of the New York Public Library. These are the infamous Books Of Bog -- long rumored to be lost with the ark of the covenant, it was these scrolls for which Hitler wanted to conquer the world. Among these scrolls are magical cures for constipation, diarrhea, cramps, farts, and incontinence. Also among these scrolls are curses: constipation, diarrhea, cramps, farts, and incontinence. Logjam, I'm reading one of these scrolls right now in your name. Come back on Monday and tell us which one! I think we'll all get a good laugh.
It's incontinence -- I can feel it coming already. And this was going to be a lovely, 3 day weekend (MLK day) too boot.
(That may have been the lamest comment I ever posted.)
Being a stepdad now, these days, I rarely have the opportunity to spend more than about ten minutes on the bog. When I was a bachelor, I'd spend upwards of twenty on there, usually reading a chapter or two of whatever book I was into at the time. Now, I'm lucky if I have the time to flick through Auto Mart...
Dave, your poop curse comment totally cracked me up, because it made me think of South Park, first of the episode where they say shit 163 times and shit is found to be an ancient "word of curse", and secondly of the one where Cartman tries to exterminate the Jews and how you said Hitler was looking for the poop scrolls; Cartman would have been hilarious in a horribly offensive way if he had used poop curses to accomplish his task.
(I think that was the longest sentence I've ever posted.)
Logjam, you are crossing into uncharted waters here; first you pick on me a little and now you are going for it with Dave . . .
For the record, I make all the polls, but credit goes to the person who comes up with the idea. I have one of yours in the list, Logjam. I made the typo. So when you complained about the poll, you were still complaining about me . . . you are totally not going to win tonight!
I'm strictly business... sometimes I feel like taking more time but my boys in the shipping department apparantly have a strict schedule. What am I supposed to do, just sit there, post crap, because I having finished reading a newspaper article? Honestly, I'm a little bitter about the whole thing. I long for a leisurly bathroom experience. Damn you efficiency!
Wow, some one actually showed up the great Dave.
I laughed out loud at that one. (Oops, thats a typo) LOL ROTFLMAO
BTW its Oops, not opps. (oops, thats a typo)
i would like to add further that it does take me an extremely long time to unleash because i seem to have some kind of O.C.D. associated with shitting.
I have to strip naked (i guess for fear of the nasty toilet water splashing up after my gigantic logs crash down) and then put my hair into a bun (same reason) and place my toes so that I am not touching to cracks between the tiles on the floor.
And you guys think YOU are warped.
Musta been a full moon....(0)...=)
Asphincter says WHAT...(!)
The only time it takes a long time is if I have follow-up squirts...the kind of poo that should have waited for the next log jam, but wants to get out early. Maybe a dinner date?
www.mydailypoop.com
As I've aged (41) I notice I spend less and less time on the crapper even though I have a greater array of creature comforts to keep me entertained while on the throne (handheld pc, small laptop). I JUST DO IT.
Logjam is just mad because he lost the election.
This poll would be more informative if it asked how much total time per day you spend on the shitter. I checked 5 minutes or less, because, with IBS, I usually just pee out of my asshole, but I am back in there 20-30 minutes later. So, if we talk about total time per day on the porcelain throne, mine could approach a second career! AB2K, why not put up THAT poll next?
And as to insulting Dave, I learned the hard way that you. just. don't. do. it. Fortunately, Dave has been gracious enough to remove from the site the posting where he reamed me a new asshole for stepping over the line. I thought for awhile there I was going to have to enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
mydailypoop......you fuckin twisted fuck.i wish i hadnt done that
Tell us how you REALLY feel, Sarge!
I have a cigarette and read a magazine while on the can. I like it there. I am always sad when I have no more poop to plop.
SamDamnit! Rectum Rector of The Church of Poop http://www.myspace.com/saintcarnivean
When I was growing up, my next door neighbor, Mr. Cornelius Wheeler, had a cigar whenever he sat on the shitter. In those pre A/C days, everybody's windows were open, and we never could figure out whether the cigar or the shit smelled worse. This needs to be the subject of a story, but to this day, I can't smell a cigar without getting the urge to crap.
SamDamnit, never admit you're a smoker here, C Everett will absolutely reem you, I have quit smoking but used to love it. Natures best laxative is first thing in the morning a cup of coffee and a cigarette, if that doesn't get your bowels working you have a serious problem.
Mrs. Wheeler smoked cigarettes, and that was the only way you could tell which one was on the crapper, because their shits both smelled equally bad.
Wow-distinguishing crap from smoke. I cant doo that.
Thanks for the tip, Bunga. However, I think Mr. Poop will find some defaming comment, no matter what I say. He reminds me of Karl Rove.
Heh heh heh- Karl Rove.
I'm not big into hanging around on the toilet so I voted for 5 minutes or less. Our toilet runs, so I don't like to stick around and wait for it to start up on me.
Today in the name of science I decided to time the pooping process to see how it went. It was a typical poop for me. It took a little less than 6 minutes. I could probably poop in under 5 minutes if I was really pressed for time (by synchronizing the peeing and pooping). A typical poop (for me):
As you can see, my typical poop takes just a little under 6 minutes. The longest phase is definitely the wiping, which takes more than 2 minutes! The second longest phase is the rectal contractions before the start of the actual pooping, which I found interesting. At first the contractions by themselves don't push the turd out, they seem to serve only to stimulate the body to know "Oh, I gotta poop!". It's only when the rest of your body gets the message and decides it's time to poop that they serve to push it out. Knowing a little bit more about the physiology of the human body, this now makes sense to me. The feeling of your body "being ready to poop" is the involuntary muscles (internal sphincter, pelvic floor, muscles that move feces along your colon) doing their part to make you poop, and then you choose to cooperate by relaxing your external sphincter and pushing down with your diaphragm and voila - out it comes! I don't think I've ever paid that much attention to how pooping feels before.
It felt good! :-)
I'm in the five or less category, if there was a two minutes or less category, I'd be there. I think that's one of the reasons I love pooping so much- it's like the only thing I do efficiently.
Couldn`t find where to vote, Dave - but it`s never taken more than 2 minutes to unload - whether a 3 pound log or a half gallon of liquid feces.
Based on the data when last I checked them (73 votes for under 5 minutes, 65 votes for 5-15 minutes, 24 votes for 15-30 minutes, and 13 votes for 30 minutes or more), the average poop time appears to be about 11 +/- 5 minutes. So while the average could be as low as 6 minutes, it's probably closer to 11 minutes, and this makes me wonder what accounts for the extra time? Is it that it takes longer to wipe? Or maybe to shit? Or is the time spent reading the newspaper (which technically could be done simultaneously with the pooping part)? Has anyone else thought of breaking down the steps as I have? I'd be curious to know what you discover! For me personally, it just isn't worth it to bring a newspaper to read, since my time on the john before I start wiping is only 2 & 1/2 minutes. How much can a person possibly read in 2 & 1/2 minutes? So I'm guessing the extra time is filled in by newspaper reading (or other reading), which can mean one of two things: Either you're continuing to read the newspaper after you're done pooping (perhaps because you're so engrossed in what you're reading you can't put it down, or you're so bored you've got nothing better to do), or else you're constipated and it actually takes you that long to poop.
(73 votes for under 5 minutes, 65 votes for 5-15 minutes, 24 votes for 15-30 minutes, and 13 votes for 30 minutes or more)
If you're the latter case, for the sake of your rectum, don't just accept constipation, do something about it! You don't want to have worse things develop down the road because you've been constipated so often that it's done damage to your body. I speak from personal experience here! A BM should require very little effort and should come out practically on it's own, just by relaxing the sphincter, or at the most with a gentle push from the rectum. It shouldn't feel like a workout. If it does, I seriously recommend increasing your fiber until you find the right amount for your body (it might take a few weeks to adjust). I aim for poop that is soft, not lumpy (about the consistency of dough), and comes out in one or a few large pieces. If it's lumpy I consider it too hard, and if it comes out in dozens of small spurts I consider it too soft (this is getting uncomfortably close to the "danger zone" where if it's just a little softer you'll have diarrhea). Also be sure to increase your fluids along with the fiber since fiber absorbs water and FIBER + DEHYDRATION = MEGA-CONSTIPATION. Getting some exercise or at least spending more time standing up rather than sitting down will also help keep the bowels moving.
Why should you do this? I'll tell you why. I was often constipated as a kid and into my adult life, and about two years ago I suffered a series of tears in my rectum (a.k.a. ass fissures). There was blood dripping into the toilet and YYYYYEEEEOOOOWWWWW!!!! did it hurt like hell! When I saw the blood I freaked out and thought I was going to die. The doctor was able to calm me down and told me that the blood was from a tear in my rectum and this is not life-threatening. But it kept happening again and again! I even had a colonoscopy at one point to make sure there wasn't anything wrong with my colon (there wasn't). Then after a couple months my doctor asked me "By the way, how much fiber are you eating?" You would think he could have asked me that in the first place, for shit sakes! (pun intended) I was lucky. Rectal fissures are one of the less serious things that chronic long-term constipation can cause. It can cause things like hemorrhoids, hernias, fecal incontinence, diverticulitis, fistulas, intestinal bleeding, abscesses, intestinal blockage, and peritonitis, just to name a few. Some of these are life-threatening. Don't wait until something serious goes wrong with your colon to decide to do something about constipation; by then it may be too late! If what you try doesn't work, then talk to a doctor, since this could be the symptom of a serious illness.
I voted 30+, because at my old dorm or at my parents place, I like to go and relax on the toilet. Maybe I'm crazy and really don't have anything better to do, but I just like to go and relax on the toilet. I see no harm in it. _______Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.
Yeah, I mean I have nothing against taking your time and relaxing if that's what you like to do. I've had times where I got engrossed in whatever I was reading and just sat there for a long time. What I'm more concerned with is those who take that long because it actually takes them that long to push it out. I heard doctors' advice on this, and they've all agreed that pooping is supposed to be so easy that it almost comes out on it's own, with maybe a gentle push to help it along. The actual "pushing the poop out" part should not take any longer than about 2 minutes. The past two years I have not been constipated even once, nor had an ass fissure (thank God! Damn did they hurt!). Taking a dump has gone from an unpleasant experience to something I actually enjoy!
See, I disagree with that. If I feel the "tug", I know there's going to be "waves" under it. It takes a minute or two to relax, followed by 3 or 4 rounds of Stop'n'Go, each cycle being a minute or two as well. If things are a little reluctant that day, it could take longer. And that's not straining, mind you. That's just lettin' it s-l---i---d-e. 12-15 minutes is not out of the ordinary._______Santa Caca!
It is said that pooping should be fast and easy, but we must keep in mind that there is no normal. Everyone poops differently. Take your time, there's no harm in it (unless of course you have a high profile job). _______Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.
If I've got the time I'm a 20+ minute man. I tend to have the shit then wait for ages while playing on my mobile phone or something because many times I have wiped then felt number two, three etc on the way so your back to square one. If I have time I wait to make sure I am completely empty. This can result in not needing to shit for 3-4 days though.
See, I knew I wasn't the only one. Thanks, Northy. Although, if you ever come over to my house, I get to use the bathroom first!_______Santa Caca!
Northy and GGG, I'm with you. I like to take my time and relax on the toilet. And, as Northy said, make sure I'm empty. Sometimes after a long sit you realize there's a little bit more in there that can go. _______Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.
I see there seems to be a lot of variation out there in how people poop. Perhaps my doctor is wrong that it should only take 2 minutes? Maybe we should redefine it as 2 minutes per turd (to take into account multiple turd poops, as GottaGoGirl has referred to. I think the one thing we all can agree on is that it should feel natural and not forced.
I guess that's what I'm trying to say. In my experience I could always expect pooping to require a good amount of pushing - and I never thought anything was wrong with that - until I started having ass fissures! But now after changing my diet and breaking the bad habit of pushing too hard, pooping feels more like something I'm letting my body do than something I'm doing.
It would appear that the time it takes to poop, as a single variable, doesn't tell the whole picture.
(Just out of curiosity, we should who has had the fastest poop. Maybe we could lay some ground rules, like: you have to begin and end fully clothed (at the minimum underwear, shorts and a t-shirt, such that you could be out in public) and in a location outside the bathroom door. Then also you should have to wipe fully (maybe that could mean that a sheet of TP pressed to your butt and released comes out clean), and you must wash your hands with soap & water and also rinse them. We might want to have seperate categories for toilet paper users and butt sink users, since the butt sink users will have an advantage.)
Assuming you had a perfect slider that came out immediately and left nothing on your butt, I wonder if it would be possible for it to take less than 1 minute?
I'm jealous of these people who have wipeless poops. As for pooping being easy, I just push a little bit at first. After that, I push progressively harder, up to red-faced and grabbing the walls pushing as hard as I can. This DOES get more out, even though I know I shouldn't do it. At times I have had small fissures, but just enough to put a few red spots on the paper. I don't know if I could ever make a fast enough poop to be done in a minute or three. _______If your stinker likes to linger, please be nice and flush it twice.
I've always felt that if you let your arse do the pushing then you don't get one solid piece, it tends to break off into little turds. If you push constantly until the shit is finished it usually stays in one complete piece leaving you able to admire your log
Northy,
I am afraid your theory only apllies to you and some others. If I push, there will be such an explosive download my butt and the toilet seat will be soaked!!! I do let nature takes its course and only assist if necessry.
Mine is usually in small pieces along with plenty of LiquiShit(TM) so no logs for me =( _______If your stinker likes to linger, please be nice and flush it twice.
Less than five minutes is usually the rule for me. But when my IBS kicks in, I take five to fifteen minutes.
Jammin' lo'flo's since 1977.
Ben
I have recently had to change my technique when shitting. Previously (as posted) I tended to push to try and keep the shit in one piece. The problem with this technique is that I have recently been cursed with piles. So due to this nightmare, I have had to change my technique and let nature take its course and not intervene
I take about 15 minutes. I enjoy relaxing on the pot. I'm never in a hurry, as I take my dump at night like clockwork.
_______fred kruega!
If I am at work i take my time so were looking at about 10 to 15 minutes but when at home it is much shorter actually I am a two a day dumper usually so that morning 4 glasses of ice cold water take care of that and at night the post dinner dump usually both run about 5 to 10 minutes when its a home game._______The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!
Like Latus rectum, I timed myself on the pot for several days running; my average was about 3 minutes 30 seconds. Unlike LR, I normally poop first, then pee; but like LR, I found wiping the most time-consuming. On average, I would feel the urge, go in, drop pants, then spend 15-30 seconds letting my poop slide into position and my anus dilate. The actual emergence of the turds could take from 10 seconds to close to a minute, but averaged right at 30 seconds; then the wiping could consume a minute and a half to two minutes. I was mainly interested in the actual emergence time; how long was the poop actually sliding forth. Occasionally I would have more than one poop impulse: a first length of poop (usually a few softish turds, now that I am on a high-water regimen--which also explains how long it takes me to wipe), followed by a quiet time (but still feeling full), then a second wave, and rarely even a third wave; that depends on how many times I've pooped the day before. Normal now seems to be two or three, but if I've gone only once one day, I may have a multiple-impulse session the next day. When sitting there, with the turds sliding out, I like to wonder how many other people on earth are experiencing the same pleasant sensation along with me. I'll never know . . .
I used to really rush when I was working. Now, I can relax, let the old butt-hole open up as it does naturally, and wait for the turds to arrive and depart on their own schedule. Even without any rushing, I can finish in 5-7 minutes.
I chose 5 to 15 minutes. It all depends on whether I'm reading something or not. Or if the urge hits just before I leave for work. Then I can do the job start to finish in about 2 minutes.
hi there, never been on this site before but found this site as I was researching to see if I can figure out what is wrong with me. For 10 years I've been suffering from a bowel problem. It started by living in a co-ed college dorm, I just couldn't go poo when there was someone in the stall beside me...from there it turned into not being able to poo unless I went to the empty library bathrooms or in the private wheelchair bathrooms. Then it got worse, I started to only be able to poo at home, and it started taking longer and longer. I got fissures, anal pain, etc. What started at 20 minutes in the bathroom now takes 1 1/2 to 2 hours. Most of it involves straining and pushing. I've been told just to get up when I think I'm done but then I feel discomfort and sick if I'm not done. I've been told it's stress, IBS, etc. But honestly, this is insane. I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm a fairly health 29 year old women, but I have to spend hours of my day in the bathroom. I go every morning, and at least 1 or 2 other times. I spend so much time in the bathroom I've read tons of books, magazines etc...it's pretty boring. I've seen specialists, naturopaths, doctors, chiropractors, surgeons, etc etc etc...no one has been able to help me. If anyone has anything similar or knows how to help me, please please post something. Thank you.
I take a dump in less a than a minute (this includes wiping). So technically, without wiping, I'd be done in 30secs. I empty out the minute I sit (5 secs). Flush immediately. Wipe (15 secs). Flush again. Done. Thought that's how it's supposed to be all this time. Didn't know it takes longer for others. Found this site because I was wondering why people put magazines in their bathrooms. I never understood why.
I timed myself for a period of weeks to see how long the various aspects of pooping took me. On average, from entering the bathroom to washing up, I took about 3 minutes 40 seconds; of that only 29 seconds was the poop actually sliding out. The biggest share of time was wiping, anywhere from 90 seconds to 3 minutes, depending on the messiness of the poop. Very seldom did I exceed 5 minutes total, however. I timed this as naturally occurring; I didn't hurry nor dawdle. While I haven't timed myself recently, I see no reason to expect much change. It is still among the most pleasant periods of the day for me.
My boyfriend and I, who are both at the same college, have not only discussed some of the posts, but we've also done some good-natured "competitions" while we've been on campus. For example, I have gone into the bathroom in the student union, dropped a log and wiped, and come back out within 3 minutes. Actual time on the seat, I would guess, was under 20 seconds. I have never been one to linger in public bathrooms. But taking up stall space beyond what you need to deliver the goods' while it has pissed me off when I'm waiting for a stall, my boyfriend doesn't see it that way. In fact, our "discussion" started after he excused himself from a test preparation study group meeting and was in the bathroom for more than 15 minutes. I sent one of our group's male members in to find thim and sure enough there he was on the crapper reading the Wall Street Journal. He was totally aloof to the fact that there were at least three people waiting to use his stall. As for me, the least amount of time I'm sitting on a public toilet, the better!
Love the site about poop but its wierd!! all these people telling the others how much they enjoy poop.. well i dont like it for some reason, i think its discusting to talk about poop and makes me and all my friends feel sick!!
I FEEL DUE TO LACK OF TIME I TEND TO GO MAYBE EVEN UP TO 3 TIMES A DAY. IT FEELS LIKE BM LABOR. YOU GET THOSE PAINS AND YOU FEEL THE GITTERS AND THEN YOU LET IT GO IT'S LIKE A BABY POOP. IT FEELS GOOD AS SEX SOMETIMES WHEN YOU ARE FINALLY RELEASING. WHAT MAKES IT BETTER IS A BABY WIPE AFTERWARDS WARM SOAPY WATER.CURTSY FLUSHING IS A MUST.SMELLS CAN KILL.THE TOILET SO COLD CAN SOMETIMES FEELS GOOD TO SIT ON THAS WHY PEOPLE CAN TAKE LONG.
Curtsy flushing...gonna have to give that a try...sound very polite, if not a bit feminine...but what the hell, I'll try anything once...er...most anything...uh...hmm....well, maybe just one or two things...ok, fuck it, you got me, I'm not really gonna try it at all...I got a sack damn it, and I'm not gonna curtsy to flush the fucking toilet.
I was hoping to find a thread about "hang time," namely whether you like to get a turd down and out immediately or like the sensation of slow emergence. This poll isn't quite it, but it's as close as any. Last night, at the church office, I felt the need, took a book, and went in. The bathroom is tiny, just a toilet and a sink close side by side. There was a small hand mirror. The urge to poop was strong and preceded by numerous fartlets and some full-blown farts; and yet, when I sat down, it took a few seconds and some grunt-work to get going. I watched with the mirror as the turd poked out, pointy and lumpy--a 2 on the Bristol scale, which I haven't seen for a while. I pushed just hard enough for continued progress, and the turd eased on out; each push got it about another inch, slowly each time. It ended up maybe 8", with a couple of quicker and softer pieces afterwards and the final expected soft hanger-on, which I had to wait for. I wasn't counting seconds, but I think that turd took at least a minute from start to drop, and felt very good. The wipe wasn't even as messy as usual.
My question is: Do you enjoy it when you have a long "hang time" like that, or would you rather have the prompt plop?
I'm definitely a "plop-and-drop"er, but MSG makes a good point. An easygoing, nearly wipe-free log that (pretty much) works its own way out is one of life's little pleasures, for sure.
(Day dreaming, soft fluffy clouds passing slowly overhead, harp music in background) Ah, easy going, nearly wipe free log.
the faster the better!!! in and out in under a minute!
_______all aboard the farty train to pooterville..if you can't shit at my house, we aren't friends
You've got it, pd - you're in the Poop Zone. (kinda hard to hear the harp over that goddamn fan, though...)
I voted for the 15-30 minute category. This is dependent on whether or not my IBS acts up. There have been occasions that I was on the toilet for only 10 minutes. I think,when that happenned, I was usually at work. There also have been times when I have been on the stool in excess of 45 minutes in a sitting. I find though, I get the most complete evacuation in the 15-30 minute range. Sometimes, I will also find, when I spend less time, I will get up to wipe, only to have to sit back down again. But, I do not waste any time. I also pee a few times in between while I am seated.
_______In search of the ever evasive BM
I am a very shamefull pooper and I will only poop in a few places. If I am at home with my parents and need to go poops I will run to the bathroom, have the bowel movment in 30 seconds and sprint out again before they see me. I would be motified if they-or almost anyone for that matter saw me pooping. However, if I am home alone I will take my time. I will grab a good book and spend up to 15 minutes on the toilet.
PC, you are only helping perpetuate the myth that girls don't poop. If you keep on stealth pooping or doing it when no one is around people will get the wrong idea. I think you need at least one shameless (and this goes for all shamefule ones) shit, so that you won't be contributing to this evil myth that is going around. I suggest dropping a small dookie on the livingroom sofa while watching a movie with your family. I am confident that they will be relieved of the nagging fear that their "little girl" does not poop. You will be doing female-kind a great service.
Hey poop cheerleader...don't you think your parents know that you poop??? I am sure that they have changed many poopy diapers before you were potty trained. What is so wrong with girls pooping? My wife poops, and my daughter poops too. When she is potty trained, I will teach her to be a shameless shitter like her daddy. There is nothing wrong with pooping. I personally think that is the healthy thing to do to poop. I worry if my daughter doesn't poop in a day. I worry if I don't poop on any given day. Pooping is fundamental to survival, and I know I feel clean on the inside after taking a big shit.
It's how you know you're still alive.
PD's comment is patently false, there is a new thread devoted entirely to shitting AFTER you're dead. _______ The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
For me it's probably longer than necessary, and it's all because of that damned cushioned toilet seat. Need to go back to the ice cold, rock hard seat I used to have.
Poop like a pro with Oxy-PowderDon't sit and wait... get it all out using Oxy-Powder!gchealth.com
The ultimate ass wash on the goGet 10% off a Phess! Use coupon code "PoopReport"phess.ca
Your ad here!
