How long you usually spend on the shitter

// 81 Comments
j 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
0
0
5 minutes or less - I drop and run
36% (815 votes)
5 to 15 minutes - it takes a little time, but not too much
34% (771 votes)
15 to 30 minutes - I like to relax and take my time
22% (496 votes)
30 minutes or more - I have internal problems or I have nothing better to do
8% (173 votes)
Total votes: 2255

81 Comments on "How long you usually spend on the shitter"

AssBlaster2000's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardj 1000+ points
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Credit for this poll goes to Doniker.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I chose the last option (30 min or more), but what the fuck does "I have internal problems or I have nothing" mean? (Just wanted to show you, AB2K, that I can complain about anyone's poll).

Logjam

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper
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It's a typo, Logjam. Damn, you don't cut anyone a break, do you?

Anonymous Poopward's picture
0
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Love the comments on poop and toilet-related stuff. I have a comment to post and want to know if others do likewise. In my home, I never flush the toilet at night time for three reasons:
1) it's just piss... not like a turd that will stink for hours
2) saves water, because I will pee againg in 2-3 hours, not to mention my 2 sons who also rise in the dead of night to pee in the dark
3) Too noisy. During the daytime, there is trafic noises, people talking, jets flying overhead, construction equipment, etc. At night time though, when I flush the toilet, it sounds like Niagra Falls!

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Fuck off, Dave. (Opps, that's a typo. I meant Thank you, Dave.)

Logjam

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points
0
0

*GASP-- cough cough*
That was so gutsy of you, Logjam.

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper
0
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In researching my book, Logjam, I've come across a cache of ancient scrolls found deep within the bowels of the New York Public Library. These are the infamous Books Of Bog -- long rumored to be lost with the ark of the covenant, it was these scrolls for which Hitler wanted to conquer the world. Among these scrolls are magical cures for constipation, diarrhea, cramps, farts, and incontinence. Also among these scrolls are curses: constipation, diarrhea, cramps, farts, and incontinence. Logjam, I'm reading one of these scrolls right now in your name. Come back on Monday and tell us which one! I think we'll all get a good laugh.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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It's incontinence -- I can feel it coming already. And this was going to be a lovely, 3 day weekend (MLK day) too boot.

Logjam

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper
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(That may have been the lamest comment I ever posted.)

scatoman's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

Being a stepdad now, these days, I rarely have the opportunity to spend more than about ten minutes on the bog. When I was a bachelor, I'd spend upwards of twenty on there, usually reading a chapter or two of whatever book I was into at the time. Now, I'm lucky if I have the time to flick through Auto Mart...

AssBlaster2000's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardj 1000+ points
0
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Dave, your poop curse comment totally cracked me up, because it made me think of South Park, first of the episode where they say shit 163 times and shit is found to be an ancient "word of curse", and secondly of the one where Cartman tries to exterminate the Jews and how you said Hitler was looking for the poop scrolls; Cartman would have been hilarious in a horribly offensive way if he had used poop curses to accomplish his task.

(I think that was the longest sentence I've ever posted.)

Logjam, you are crossing into uncharted waters here; first you pick on me a little and now you are going for it with Dave . . .

For the record, I make all the polls, but credit goes to the person who comes up with the idea. I have one of yours in the list, Logjam. I made the typo. So when you complained about the poll, you were still complaining about me . . . you are totally not going to win tonight!

Cracktacular's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

I'm strictly business... sometimes I feel like taking more time but my boys in the shipping department apparantly have a strict schedule. What am I supposed to do, just sit there, post crap, because I having finished reading a newspaper article? Honestly, I'm a little bitter about the whole thing. I long for a leisurly bathroom experience. Damn you efficiency!

Crack kills

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

Wow, some one actually showed up the great Dave.

I laughed out loud at that one. (Oops, thats a typo) LOL ROTFLMAO

BTW its Oops, not opps. (oops, thats a typo)

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

Le Stink's picture
0
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i would like to add further that it does take me an extremely long time to unleash because i seem to have some kind of O.C.D. associated with shitting.

I have to strip naked (i guess for fear of the nasty toilet water splashing up after my gigantic logs crash down) and then put my hair into a bun (same reason) and place my toes so that I am not touching to cracks between the tiles on the floor.

And you guys think YOU are warped.

mott the poople's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

Musta been a full moon....(0)...=)

Asphincter says WHAT...(!)

Asphincter says WHAT...(!)

log_blogger's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

The only time it takes a long time is if I have follow-up squirts...the kind of poo that should have waited for the next log jam, but wants to get out early. Maybe a dinner date?

www.mydailypoop.com

www.mydailypoop.com

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points
0
0

As I've aged (41) I notice I spend less and less time on the crapper even though I have a greater array of creature comforts to keep me entertained while on the throne (handheld pc, small laptop). I JUST DO IT.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
0
0

Logjam is just mad because he lost the election.

This poll would be more informative if it asked how much total time per day you spend on the shitter. I checked 5 minutes or less, because, with IBS, I usually just pee out of my asshole, but I am back in there 20-30 minutes later. So, if we talk about total time per day on the porcelain throne, mine could approach a second career! AB2K, why not put up THAT poll next?

And as to insulting Dave, I learned the hard way that you. just. don't. do. it. Fortunately, Dave has been gracious enough to remove from the site the posting where he reamed me a new asshole for stepping over the line. I thought for awhile there I was going to have to enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

Sergeant Crapnel's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

mydailypoop......you fuckin twisted fuck.i wish i hadnt done that

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
0
0

Tell us how you REALLY feel, Sarge!

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I have a cigarette and read a magazine while on the can. I like it there. I am always sad when I have no more poop to plop.

SamDamnit!
Rectum Rector
of
The Church of Poop
http://www.myspace.com/saintcarnivean

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
0
0

When I was growing up, my next door neighbor, Mr. Cornelius Wheeler, had a cigar whenever he sat on the shitter. In those pre A/C days, everybody's windows were open, and we never could figure out whether the cigar or the shit smelled worse. This needs to be the subject of a story, but to this day, I can't smell a cigar without getting the urge to crap.

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points
0
0

SamDamnit, never admit you're a smoker here, C Everett will absolutely reem you, I have quit smoking but used to love it. Natures best laxative is first thing in the morning a cup of coffee and a cigarette, if that doesn't get your bowels working you have a serious problem.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
0
0

Mrs. Wheeler smoked cigarettes, and that was the only way you could tell which one was on the crapper, because their shits both smelled equally bad.

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

Wow-distinguishing crap from smoke. I cant doo that.

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
0
0

Thanks for the tip, Bunga. However, I think Mr. Poop will find some defaming comment, no matter what I say. He reminds me of Karl Rove.

SamDamnit!
Rectum Rector
of
The Church of Poop
http://www.myspace.com/saintcarnivean

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

Heh heh heh- Karl Rove.

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
0
0

I'm not big into hanging around on the toilet so I voted for 5 minutes or less. Our toilet runs, so I don't like to stick around and wait for it to start up on me.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Latus Rectum's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Today in the name of science I decided to time the pooping process to see how it went. It was a typical poop for me. It took a little less than 6 minutes. I could probably poop in under 5 minutes if I was really pressed for time (by synchronizing the peeing and pooping).
A typical poop (for me):

  • 0:00 - Walk into bathroom. Commence pants & underwear removal. ( 20 seconds)
  • 0:20 - Squat on toilet. Commence peeing. (I always pee when I poop) ( 30 seconds)
  • 0:50 - Finish peeing & commence rectal contractions. ( 90 seconds)
  • 2:20 - Begin actual pooping. ( 30 seconds)
  • 2:50 - Evacuation complete! Commence wiping. (125 seconds)
  • 4:55 - Wiping complete. Commence hand washing. ( 25 seconds)
  • 5:20 - Hand washing complete. Re-apply clothing. ( 30 seconds)
  • 5:50 - Walk out bathroom door. (Total time elapsed: 350 seconds)


As you can see, my typical poop takes just a little under 6 minutes. The longest phase is definitely the wiping, which takes more than 2 minutes! The second longest phase is the rectal contractions before the start of the actual pooping, which I found interesting. At first the contractions by themselves don't push the turd out, they seem to serve only to stimulate the body to know "Oh, I gotta poop!". It's only when the rest of your body gets the message and decides it's time to poop that they serve to push it out. Knowing a little bit more about the physiology of the human body, this now makes sense to me. The feeling of your body "being ready to poop" is the involuntary muscles (internal sphincter, pelvic floor, muscles that move feces along your colon) doing their part to make you poop, and then you choose to cooperate by relaxing your external sphincter and pushing down with your diaphragm and voila - out it comes! I don't think I've ever paid that much attention to how pooping feels before.

It felt good! :-)

Daily Constitutional's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

I'm in the five or less category, if there was a two minutes or less category, I'd be there. I think that's one of the reasons I love pooping so much- it's like the only thing I do efficiently.

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
0
0

Couldn`t find where to vote, Dave - but it`s never taken more than 2 minutes to unload - whether a 3 pound log or a half gallon of liquid feces.

The voice of sanity

Latus Rectum's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Based on the data when last I checked them (73 votes for under 5 minutes, 65 votes for 5-15 minutes, 24 votes for 15-30 minutes, and 13 votes for 30 minutes or more), the average poop time appears to be about 11 +/- 5 minutes. So while the average could be as low as 6 minutes, it's probably closer to 11 minutes, and this makes me wonder what accounts for the extra time? Is it that it takes longer to wipe? Or maybe to shit? Or is the time spent reading the newspaper (which technically could be done simultaneously with the pooping part)? Has anyone else thought of breaking down the steps as I have? I'd be curious to know what you discover! For me personally, it just isn't worth it to bring a newspaper to read, since my time on the john before I start wiping is only 2 & 1/2 minutes. How much can a person possibly read in 2 & 1/2 minutes? So I'm guessing the extra time is filled in by newspaper reading (or other reading), which can mean one of two things: Either you're continuing to read the newspaper after you're done pooping (perhaps because you're so engrossed in what you're reading you can't put it down, or you're so bored you've got nothing better to do), or else you're constipated and it actually takes you that long to poop.

If you're the latter case, for the sake of your rectum, don't just accept constipation, do something about it! You don't want to have worse things develop down the road because you've been constipated so often that it's done damage to your body. I speak from personal experience here! A BM should require very little effort and should come out practically on it's own, just by relaxing the sphincter, or at the most with a gentle push from the rectum. It shouldn't feel like a workout. If it does, I seriously recommend increasing your fiber until you find the right amount for your body (it might take a few weeks to adjust). I aim for poop that is soft, not lumpy (about the consistency of dough), and comes out in one or a few large pieces. If it's lumpy I consider it too hard, and if it comes out in dozens of small spurts I consider it too soft (this is getting uncomfortably close to the "danger zone" where if it's just a little softer you'll have diarrhea). Also be sure to increase your fluids along with the fiber since fiber absorbs water and FIBER + DEHYDRATION = MEGA-CONSTIPATION. Getting some exercise or at least spending more time standing up rather than sitting down will also help keep the bowels moving.

Why should you do this? I'll tell you why. I was often constipated as a kid and into my adult life, and about two years ago I suffered a series of tears in my rectum (a.k.a. ass fissures). There was blood dripping into the toilet and YYYYYEEEEOOOOWWWWW!!!! did it hurt like hell! When I saw the blood I freaked out and thought I was going to die. The doctor was able to calm me down and told me that the blood was from a tear in my rectum and this is not life-threatening. But it kept happening again and again! I even had a colonoscopy at one point to make sure there wasn't anything wrong with my colon (there wasn't). Then after a couple months my doctor asked me "By the way, how much fiber are you eating?" You would think he could have asked me that in the first place, for shit sakes! (pun intended) I was lucky. Rectal fissures are one of the less serious things that chronic long-term constipation can cause. It can cause things like hemorrhoids, hernias, fecal incontinence, diverticulitis, fistulas, intestinal bleeding, abscesses, intestinal blockage, and peritonitis, just to name a few. Some of these are life-threatening. Don't wait until something serious goes wrong with your colon to decide to do something about constipation; by then it may be too late! If what you try doesn't work, then talk to a doctor, since this could be the symptom of a serious illness.

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

I voted 30+, because at my old dorm or at my parents place, I like to go and relax on the toilet. Maybe I'm crazy and really don't have anything better to do, but I just like to go and relax on the toilet. I see no harm in it.

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

[Insert witty banter here]

Latus Rectum's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Yeah, I mean I have nothing against taking your time and relaxing if that's what you like to do. I've had times where I got engrossed in whatever I was reading and just sat there for a long time. What I'm more concerned with is those who take that long because it actually takes them that long to push it out. I heard doctors' advice on this, and they've all agreed that pooping is supposed to be so easy that it almost comes out on it's own, with maybe a gentle push to help it along. The actual "pushing the poop out" part should not take any longer than about 2 minutes. The past two years I have not been constipated even once, nor had an ass fissure (thank God! Damn did they hurt!). Taking a dump has gone from an unpleasant experience to something I actually enjoy!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
0
0

See, I disagree with that. If I feel the "tug", I know there's going to be "waves" under it. It takes a minute or two to relax, followed by 3 or 4 rounds of Stop'n'Go, each cycle being a minute or two as well. If things are a little reluctant that day, it could take longer. And that's not straining, mind you. That's just lettin' it s-l---i---d-e. 12-15 minutes is not out of the ordinary.
_______
Santa Caca!

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

It is said that pooping should be fast and easy, but we must keep in mind that there is no normal. Everyone poops differently. Take your time, there's no harm in it (unless of course you have a high profile job).

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

[Insert witty banter here]

Northy's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

If I've got the time I'm a 20+ minute man. I tend to have the shit then wait for ages while playing on my mobile phone or something because many times I have wiped then felt number two, three etc on the way so your back to square one. If I have time I wait to make sure I am completely empty. This can result in not needing to shit for 3-4 days though.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
0
0

See, I knew I wasn't the only one. Thanks, Northy. Although, if you ever come over to my house, I get to use the bathroom first!
_______
Santa Caca!

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

Northy and GGG, I'm with you. I like to take my time and relax on the toilet. And, as Northy said, make sure I'm empty. Sometimes after a long sit you realize there's a little bit more in there that can go.

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

[Insert witty banter here]

Latus Rectum's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

I see there seems to be a lot of variation out there in how people poop. Perhaps my doctor is wrong that it should only take 2 minutes? Maybe we should redefine it as 2 minutes per turd (to take into account multiple turd poops, as GottaGoGirl has referred to. I think the one thing we all can agree on is that it should feel natural and not forced.

I guess that's what I'm trying to say. In my experience I could always expect pooping to require a good amount of pushing - and I never thought anything was wrong with that - until I started having ass fissures! But now after changing my diet and breaking the bad habit of pushing too hard, pooping feels more like something I'm letting my body do than something I'm doing.

It would appear that the time it takes to poop, as a single variable, doesn't tell the whole picture.

(Just out of curiosity, we should who has had the fastest poop. Maybe we could lay some ground rules, like: you have to begin and end fully clothed (at the minimum underwear, shorts and a t-shirt, such that you could be out in public) and in a location outside the bathroom door. Then also you should have to wipe fully (maybe that could mean that a sheet of TP pressed to your butt and released comes out clean), and you must wash your hands with soap & water and also rinse them. We might want to have seperate categories for toilet paper users and butt sink users, since the butt sink users will have an advantage.)

Assuming you had a perfect slider that came out immediately and left nothing on your butt, I wonder if it would be possible for it to take less than 1 minute?

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

I'm jealous of these people who have wipeless poops. As for pooping being easy, I just push a little bit at first. After that, I push progressively harder, up to red-faced and grabbing the walls pushing as hard as I can. This DOES get more out, even though I know I shouldn't do it. At times I have had small fissures, but just enough to put a few red spots on the paper. I don't know if I could ever make a fast enough poop to be done in a minute or three.

_______
If your stinker likes to linger, please be nice and flush it twice.

[Insert witty banter here]

Northy's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

I've always felt that if you let your arse do the pushing then you don't get one solid piece, it tends to break off into little turds. If you push constantly until the shit is finished it usually stays in one complete piece leaving you able to admire your log

Ben's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Northy,

I am afraid your theory only apllies to you and some others. If I push, there will be such an explosive download my butt and the toilet seat will be soaked!!! I do let nature takes its course and only assist if necessry.

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

Mine is usually in small pieces along with plenty of LiquiShit(TM) so no logs for me =(

_______
If your stinker likes to linger, please be nice and flush it twice.

[Insert witty banter here]

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points
0
0

Less than five minutes is usually the rule for me. But when my IBS kicks in, I take five to fifteen minutes.

Jammin' lo'flo's since 1977.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Northy's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

Ben

I have recently had to change my technique when shitting. Previously (as posted) I tended to push to try and keep the shit in one piece.
The problem with this technique is that I have recently been cursed with piles. So due to this nightmare, I have had to change my technique and let nature take its course and not intervene

freddy krueger 16's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

I take about 15 minutes. I enjoy relaxing on the pot. I'm never in a hurry, as I take my dump at night like clockwork.


_______
fred kruega!

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

If I am at work i take my time so were looking at about 10 to 15 minutes but when at home it is much shorter actually I am a two a day dumper usually so that morning 4 glasses of ice cold water take care of that and at night the post dinner dump usually both run about 5 to 10 minutes when its a home game.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

geeble's picture
0
0

Like Latus rectum, I timed myself on the pot for several days running; my average was about 3 minutes 30 seconds. Unlike LR, I normally poop first, then pee; but like LR, I found wiping the most time-consuming. On average, I would feel the urge, go in, drop pants, then spend 15-30 seconds letting my poop slide into position and my anus dilate. The actual emergence of the turds could take from 10 seconds to close to a minute, but averaged right at 30 seconds; then the wiping could consume a minute and a half to two minutes. I was mainly interested in the actual emergence time; how long was the poop actually sliding forth. Occasionally I would have more than one poop impulse: a first length of poop (usually a few softish turds, now that I am on a high-water regimen--which also explains how long it takes me to wipe), followed by a quiet time (but still feeling full), then a second wave, and rarely even a third wave; that depends on how many times I've pooped the day before. Normal now seems to be two or three, but if I've gone only once one day, I may have a multiple-impulse session the next day. When sitting there, with the turds sliding out, I like to wonder how many other people on earth are experiencing the same pleasant sensation along with me. I'll never know . . .

turdfan's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

I used to really rush when I was working. Now, I can relax, let the old butt-hole open up as it does naturally, and wait for the turds to arrive and depart on their own schedule. Even without any rushing, I can finish in 5-7 minutes.