The longest turd you've ever had was

// 199 Comments
PoopReport of the Year Awardj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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14" long or more. I am the Master of the Bowl Curler.
53% (1916 votes)
12-14" long. I know how to lay a mean cable.
19% (691 votes)
10-12" long. I can honk a large dirt snake.
12% (444 votes)
8-10" long. I can hang a decent root.
7% (266 votes)
6-8" long. I am a Junior Achiever.
8% (282 votes)
Total votes: 3599

199 Comments on "The longest turd you've ever had was"

AssBlaster2000's picture
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There is a story behind this poll. The other day Mr. Blaster was pooing while I was watching TV. We were talking (he left the door open) and he goes to flush, and he says "Wow, that's a big one." He keeps talking, but mutters about the turd. I know he's standing there staring at it. Finally he says, "Come look at it." He's always proud of his creations. So I do, and this thing looks like a goddamned motherfucking sonofabitch baseball bat. A skinny one, maybe; his ass is exit-only, after all, but it could hit some decent-sized balls. (Not those kind of balls. For once!) I don't really know how these gigantic fucking things come out of his ass. I'm a bit jealous.

Bunga Din's picture
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As quoted from my May Two Four story.
To say that it hurt would be an understatement. It was beyond the liquid hell I already experienced. It was big, hard as nails, black as night, with small, rock-like construction. It took me twenty minutes to pass and by the end was at least two feet long. I didn't have any toilet paper. Hurting like hell, I ripped off my underwear and cleaned up as best I could.

Monsters are really rare for me, my average would probably be 6-8", rarely above this but my diet and behavior has changed which has certainly shown up in my dumps.

AB2K, one question, before your husband flushed it did you say "I pity the poor stool"

Poop Shooter's picture
k 500+ points
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I'm only speculating as I do not measure each and every turd I produce. I do know that anything that goes into the bottom and keeps it's head out of the water is very long! I wonder what the world record is??


_______
Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

AssBlaster2000's picture
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Bunga says: "AB2K, one question, before your husband flushed it did you say "I pity the poor stool"

Haha Bunga, very funny. I am not as quick with the Mr. T quotes as you, though, and all I was thinking was "I'm just so glad we still have a high-flow toilet so I won't have to plunge this fucker." See, I'm by far the more expert plunger between us. Fortunately, I have not had to use my skills since we moved to this house with the high-flow toilet. 'Tis a beautiful thing.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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We now need to do a quiz about the widest turd.

The longest turd I ever laid was about a foot long in a toilet at Sweet Tomatoes in Vancouver, Washington. That baby refused to flush, so I was forced to leave it.

Since Gordon showed up my turds are usually little half-inch or quarter-inch pellets.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

SamDamnit's picture
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Toiletls should come with length markings on the sides of the bowl. That way you guys would not have to keep reaching in there with your rulers.

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Sir SamDamnit!
and the Knights of Poopsalot
http://www.myspace.com/saintcarnivean

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

Poop Shooter's picture
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TSV Said "Since Gordon showed up my turds are usually little half-inch or quarter-inch pellets."

TSV, I think your eating way too much rabbit meat lately. Or was it you that was the vegetarian?


_______
Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

The Shit Volcano's picture
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Pregnancy pellets. Gordon is my unborn son.

No, I am not a vegetarian. I tried it (while not pregnant) and I gained fifty pounds of flab. It was weird. Now I eat meat.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Poop Shooter's picture
k 500+ points
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Ahhh... didn't know you were pregnant. congrats!! (providing it's a good thing) I don't remember my wife having the same symptoms when she was preg. Although I did not inspect her bm's either. The shameful have a way of flushing before they get up. They say it's "Reflushing"


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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

The Dumpster's picture
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TSV gave rise to Gilbert, and Gilbert gave rise to Gordon. TSV, you are ever so open about things. Why not let Gilbert on here to tell us what it is like to Climb the Volcano? To describe the eruption? Or is this more like the old joke:

Q: What time is it?

A: Ten-to.

Q. Ten-to what?

A: Whyn't you ten-to your Own Damn Business?

P.S.--When Little Dumpster was "en ventre ca mere" (as we lawyers say), his Mom-to-be, the redoubtable (now-ex) Mrs. Dumpster, also got somewhat constipated. Instead of her usual Mammoth Movements that could have stopped up the Alaska Pipeline, she let out smaller, though more numerous, shits, sort of like a mother Belly Snake giving birth to live young. And, like snakes, each was just as deadly from the moment of its birth as its parent.

The Dumpster's picture
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P.P.S.--As an addition to the above, I've posted a "serial story" over on the forums entitled Gypsy Rose Volcano. Please visit this and join in the fun!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Just last week at Home Depot, I pooped the most wonderful bowl curler that I've ever pooped. I ran out of the Lady's room, found Mr. Hubby, and excitedly told him the great news.

He didn't give a shit.

Bastard.


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.....hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

The Dumpster's picture
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Daph, many a good woman is wasted on an uncaring man. But the opposite is true, too, you know!

Poop Shooter's picture
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Daph, How proud you must be!! Did you name her? or him?

I always name the real nice poops. Sometimes they are Bob, sometimes Chip. I think I names a small one Baby Plop at one time. I can't keep track anymore.


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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

AssBlaster2000's picture
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Poop Shooter, naming your turds is weird. But in junior high school I had a friend who named her breasts and I think that's a little bit weirder. It takes all kinds.

I am shocked that 47% of people have had poops more than 14" long. I don't really believe that. I think that if I put up a poll for guys that said "How long is your penis" that guys would exaggerate. If 47% of them said that their penis was 14" long that would be an obvious lie. I think we are seeing a similar phenomenon here.

However, if it is indeed true, someone please give me tips on how I can get my turds to be 14" long. Even just one. I am very jealous and aspire to have longer turds.

The Dumpster's picture
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"If 47% of them said that their penis was 14" long that would be an obvious lie."

Only 14"? Amazing. I had no idea so many guys were that small!

Poop Shooter's picture
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Dumpster obviously has an extremely vivid imagination.

I'll think of a style you could use to get a good 14"er AB2K. The squatting platform would probably help in that it gets your lower gi tract inline. A smoother poo is better for great length versus a hard knobby poo. One great smooth push with no mid evacuation pinching also helps.

Such strange thoughts waking up in the morning today. Happy Sunday all!!


_______
Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

Bunga Din's picture
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AB2K, I'm shocked that you're shocked! Remember the poll was about your longest turd, it doesn't surprise me at all that 47% of people claim over 14". Think of the diet us North Americans have loaded with meats and typically low on the fiber and also the fact there is such a high percentage of shameful shitters out there that hold their poops so long.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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I wish I had taken a picture of the one I produced. Then we'd have proof that I wasn't lying. Of course, poo pics aren't allowed on PR and it WAS kind of gross to boot.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Slim Jim Junkie's picture
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Well, there is a reason that ratemypoo exists...

Fart Poopie's picture
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My poops almost always break off before they reach great lengths.

It's very normal to get constipated when you're pregnant. The third trimester is the worst for me. Pooping was more like passing small clumps of raisins. However, a day or two (maybe three if you get an epidural) after you have the baby, you'll pass the largest quantity of crap you could ever imagine. It's a great relief, but you won't be able to appreciate it very much, because you'll be too busy appreciating the other little bundle of joy.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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No epidurals here, FP. I had a friend who was paralyzed by one.

But I will be happy to unload a shitload (pun intended) of crap after this ordeal is over.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Bunga Din's picture
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People, I've just been advised by AB2K that this poll is terribly flawed. Please resubmit your answers as the longest unbroken turd. Next time AB2K be more specific.

The Shit Volcano's picture
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Fourteen inches IS my longest unbroken turd. Though my mother just claimed she had an unbroken one that was 24 inches. (I didn't look to be sure. Ew!)

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Poop Shooter's picture
k 500+ points
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I am really befuddled at the amount of people that obviously keep a tape measure on their toilet just to measure turds.


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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

AssBlaster2000's picture
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Okay, Bunga, I think it's time for a math lesson. The poll says "what is your longest turd." Turd, in the singular, meaning one piece of poop.

When a turd breaks up, it is no longer one turd. It becomes two turds, or more. Therefore, it no longer counts as a single turd. The poll did not say "The longest amalgam of turds you've ever had." So, Bunga, your post is an amalgam of DURRRRR.

HumanEspresso's picture
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The way i have found to make long poops, it to relax while you are taking the poop. Normally my poops are wall aplattering though
_______
I am a Human Espresso Machine

I'm a Human Espresso Machine

The Dumpster's picture
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I love to hear Bunga and AB2K squabble. "Just like an old married couple," to quote a line from Harry Potter. You should see them on the forums!

Bunga Din's picture
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Yes, it would appear I do have a problem with numbers, I do so solemnly apologize but I believe the creator of this poll also has issues with numbers as exemplified
here.

Cracktacular's picture
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I love a big horseshoe that goes around 3/4 of the circumference of the bowl. On the rare occasion that I produce one I always wonder if I'll have good luck.

Crack kills

AssBlaster2000's picture
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Bunga, good job, you finally learned how to put a link in a post, how long did it take you to figure that one out?

Oh, and Dumpster, I'm way nicer to my actual husband. I save the taunting for friends, as I like to get laid once in a while. I would never tell him that anything he said was an amalgam of durrrrr.

The Dumpster's picture
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AB2K, to be abused by you is preferable to the vainglorious flattery of empty-headed women in the "regular" world. I know whereof I speak.

Chuck's picture
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Toilet depth markers inside the bowl: a great idea. Something like a water tower gauge is food for the inventive mind.

The Dumpster's picture
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Chuck, I believe they call them "Plimsoll Marks" on ships. Maybe yours could be called "Quimsoll Marks." No, wait a minute--that would be to measure the depth of....

Oh, forget it. I'm like the philandering dentist--always filling the wrong cavity.

log_blogger's picture
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While, more than 14" maybe my record, I tend toward the 10-12" range. For the sake of science, I might be forced to begin pooping on a flat white surface in order to better measure. I'm always disappointed when I just know that the other 10" are hiding in the hole.

Hmmmm. When you use a tape measure, there is a marking on the back that specifies how long the actual metal box is, so you can add that to your measurement. Does anybody know how far back the hole in a standard toilet reaches?
_______
www.mydailypoop.com

www.mydailypoop.com

GottaGoGirl's picture
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log blog-- I'm not sure there IS a standard! Have you SEEN the different potty choices out there? It's mind-boggling.

I hate it when my poops disappear around the bend, leaving NO evidence of my presence.

Too bad you can't have an airline toilet that stays sealed shut until you have a chance to inspect your product.

Poop Shooter's picture
k 500+ points
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I wonder if you shit on an airline toilets if it would act like a sucking enema and help evacuate a big poo. I know Mythbusters did a thing on getting stuck on one, but would the suction actually help you defecate??


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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

Rat Droppings's picture
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If everyone took pictures of what they considered "big," forensic tests analyzing those turd photos whould prove or disprove the size. All they would have to do is have access to the crapper in question to get measurements of it. Now to get the CSI lab to volunteer. Maybe Dumpster being a lawyer he could pull a few strings?


_______
"Those who write on shithouse walls, roll their shit into little balls. Those who read their words of wit, eat those little balls of shit." Author Unknown

"Rectum hell, killed em' both." Author Unknown

geeble's picture
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I found a way to see the full length of my turds: I sit on the very front of the rim, lean well forward, and push suddenly. When this works, my poop comes out in a single length, which I can measure by using a single sheet of toilet paper, which is 4" wide. Sometimes the turd is a straight length, other times it curls or turns, but either way I can measure it with the t.p. My longest single turd so far is over 20" using this method--a rarity, to be sure. Just the other day I had a 14" turd, maybe 1.25" thick. Try it and see.

The Dumpster's picture
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RD, I don't think the cops would get involved unless there was a criminal investigation. For example, when SamDamnit published The Search for the Toilet Graveyard, I got a little suspicious of his somewhat unctuous concern for the welfare of the crapped-out crappers. I said, "Sam is probably the Ted Bundy of the commode world. If the feds would start looking into it, they would probably find that half of the unexplained commode deaths in recent years are related to Austin, TX."

Sam (rather unconvincingly) replied, "It was not me. It was the neighbor's dog. His name is also Sam, and he tells me what to do."

Now THAT would be grounds to call in Joe Friday! No one ever did, though. Sam is the one with the "pull" on this site, not Dumpster.

_______
"Say, has anybody seen my sweet Gypsy Rose Volcano?"

The Dumpster's picture
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'Course, you could always post the "proof" on www.RateMyPoo.com. I've had to block that site to keep Little Dumpster off of it.

_______
"Say, has anybody seen my sweet Gypsy Rose Volcano?"

Rat Droppings's picture
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Dumpster, I clicked on that link!! GROSS!


_______
"Those who write on shithouse walls, roll their shit into little balls. Those who read their words of wit, eat those little balls of shit." Author Unknown

"Rectum hell, killed em' both." Author Unknown

Data Logger's picture
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Seven bowls of all-bran achieves superior turds

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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Yeeack! And comatose tastebuds!
_______
Santa Caca!

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points
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My longest had to be at least 20 inches long. I was at work and we had this terrible low flow toilet. There were skid marks all over that bowl! From the exit hole all the way up to the brim! It looked like someone scribbled with a brown marker all over the inside of the bowl. I was so astonished by the swirls that I had to check under the edge of the seat just to make sure I hadn't put my signature there too! Then came the task of finding the necessary cleaning supplies to hide the evidence. And strangely enough, the toilet never flushed the same again. We got the bosses to put in a new one (one with some real gusto for getting those stubborn turds down!) by saying it was always running and would fill up the septic tank. I left many a shitmonster in the new crapper, but nothing like that 20 inch bowl curler!


_______
Brown tidings I bring
to you
from my ring

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points
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My longest is a tie for 15" long. The first one. During a long bout of constipation, I had a bit too much to drink. The second time, was when I was taking antibiotics. These antibiotics caused me to produce monster logs.
_______
Jammin' lo'flo's since 1977.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

poopiehead92862's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I've laid some massive logs in my career. Go to www.smellypoop.com and click on the user submitted photos link to see some of my monsters!

Postman's picture
k 500+ points
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Just yesterday, I laid one of the longest unbroken turds I've had in a long time. It was all coiled up but just by eyeballing it I'm sure it was at least 24" long. I may have to submit that one as the Shit Of My Career.

turdfan's picture
l 100+ points
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I think I've dropped several that were 10-12 inches long. They were fairly large in diameter too, so thank god they slipped out without a fight. Otherwise, I could have been painful.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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This morning I dropped an 18-incher. Using a hand-mirror, I watched as it slid smoothly out, taking its time, as one continuous piece. It did curl in sort of an S-shape in the bowl, and I measured it with a 4" piece of toilet paper. It felt great. I am sure that was not my longest of all time, but it certainly was my longest in quite a while. Satisfaction!