Public farting

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52 Comments on "Public farting"

Nine Inch Log's picture
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Yeah, first post, first vote. I am of the fart-anywhere variety. Not all times are appropriate to pull a loud rip-ass session, for example at dinner with the girlfriends parents (normally I try to sneak it out, but somehow she always knows and proclaims this loudly).

I just see no reason to go through the pain and ordeal of holding them in when I can "drop the chalupa" and be done with it in 30 seconds or less.

_______
Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

daphne's picture
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When you "drop the chalupa", do you ever leak the taco sauce? :)
_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

GottaGoGirl's picture
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No, but I sometimes spill the salsa.

Logjam's picture
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The final option implies that all farts make noise. I would guess that the large majority of public farts are silent slippers. And while we have some power in deciding whether to be heard or not, I don't think any of us could adhere to a no-fart-in-public rule -- even in restaurants.

Logjam

AssBlaster2000's picture
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Logjam, actually, the final option implies that all farts make either a noise or a smell. (All of mine do. If it doesn't make noise or smell, it's not a fart. It's a gas leak.) In addition, the poll is not about whether you DO fart in public, it's about whether or where you consider it acceptable. So there.

Logjam's picture
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"If it doesn't make noise or smell, it's not a fart. It's a gas leak." God, the subtlety you require of us in answering these polls correctly boggles the mind. Just give me my “f” and let me get on with my life.

Logjam

krzyzewskifan's picture
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When you fart a little part of you laughs...at least a little part of me laughs, thusly I say share the laughter with everyone.

_______
I poop because I am...I am because I poop.

I poop because I am...I am because I poop.

Double Flush's picture
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I have no problem letting one so long as no one is around eating. That might overly offend some people and make them unable to eat, and I don't want that. Outside of that, let 'er rip!

_______
"Double the flush, double the fun" --The Amazing Anus

[Insert witty banter here]

Bilgepump's picture
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Since I sincerely doubt I'll ever be a house guest at any of your homes, I am obliged to tell the truth. I voted always ok...and its especially joyful if you have a good scapegoat!! (and I ain't talking about blaming it on the dog....but Grandma is ok!!)

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

The Random Rectum's picture
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The only place I feel compelled to behave like a lady and not willingly fart at random is in a church.
Somehow I feel God would not look kindly at my "pew."

_______
~Keep your friends close, and your enemas closer.~

~Keep your friends close, and your enemas closer.~

Cyanocobalamin's picture
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There's only 3 places I can fart comfortably at my work...the restroom, in the back receiving area and inside the 5x7 room with the safe in it. Of course, provided I am the only one in the vicinity, I will let the fart out gently to prevent offensive or frightening sounds.
If I am out shopping and i'm the only one in the area, gas can and will exit. Hell, if I'm at home and awake before anyone else I will lift a bumcheek and produce SBDs exclusively.

Nine Inch Log's picture
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Daphne: I am more of an all or none type of guy so when I drop the chalupa I can either catch it with nothing leaking, or it hits the ground and all the bad meat goes everywhere. Translation: I'm either squeaky clean or full on shart/shit myself (but they nearly always smell).
On the subject, I have never sharted before I had my stroke. One of the last things to heal and gain complete controll over is bladder/bowel controll so I've gone through some pretty shitty (literally) times over the last 18 months. On the upside that means that I now have a plethera (CEP I know it's spelled wrong so don't say anything) of poo stories if I ever get around to writing any of them.


_______
Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

scatoman's picture
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I fart anywhere and everywhere, but try to contain it when indoors. Sometimes it just doesn't happen, though.

Back in college, I lived on the 11th floor of a hall of residence. It had been built in 1965, and the lift (Brit. "elevator") was as old as the building. This being the case, it was extremely slow.

One day, I finish lectures early, so I walk back to the hall. En route, I get a few cramps and think I'd better dash for the bog when I get back.

I get in the lift and need to fart right away. Holding it in, pressure mounting, it occurs to me that, given the time (4pm), the likelihood of someone entering the lift is somewhat remote.

I let rip one of the most obnoxious farts I have ever produced.

The lift reaches the 11th floor. Doors open.

Six lasses wait to get in. They know me (one of them is the girlfriend of my neighbour). They greet me.

I feel extremely embarrassed, then - mumbling pleasantries - flee to the toilet, leaving them to walk into an environment that requires hazmat suits and breathing apparatus.

I wish I'd seen their reaction!

The Professor's picture
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Motto: If in doubt, blow it out!

Crowded elevators are best. The ideal time is when you are exiting and the doors are closing.

Occasion screams may be heard as the lift ascends.

KeepOnCrappin's picture
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I haven't yet had a fart to blow in an elevator. However, I managed on several occasions to belch loudly.

I picked everywhere but around food option. Can't be enjoying food if it smells terrible.

_______
"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

sharty mcfly's picture
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i will fart anywhere at any time. especially silent, but when the occasiona calls for it a loud obnoxious fart is great. elevators are great, but movie theaters, especially if it's the quiet point in some chick flick, man that's the best time to rip a nice loud one.

yours in time,

Sharty Mcfly

The Shit Volcano's picture
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I picked "anytime" because this is what I do. In an elevator, at the restaurant, at the store, in a dressing room, out on the street. It really doesn't matter. Farting is only horrible to prudes and people take it way to seriously. Just let it out and don't care!

_______
"That was a very disappointing
party. I showed up and everyone left!"- Camille

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Hu Flung Dung's picture
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I know CEP will disagree with me, but EVERYONE farts. My wife farts, my mom farts, both of my grandmothers fart. I sat next to one of the hottest girls ever to attend Bellaire HS in physics class, and she had some rotten eggs farts. Just set the little bastards free, where ever you are. There's nothing wrong about it...maybe rotten-egg-mixed-with-raw-sewage smelly, but not wrong.
_______
I have a book published. The title...it's "Brown Spots on the Walls".

Yes, those are my brown spots. Yes, those are your walls.

The Big Wiper's picture
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It's not good to hold gas in. I generally fart around the house and in the car when I have to. So does my companion. Sometimes there's an odor, sometimes there's not. Most of the time, we laugh about it.

In polite company the issue becomes more complex. I've found ways to let gas out more slowly under circumstances where I just can't get away. But I have suppressed farts under certain circumstances as well, even though, as I said, it's just not good for the system.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Logjam's picture
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The Wiper's speculations on the health implications of holding farts brought back some memories, and a question. About 8 years ago I went ski diving -- one of those deals where after a few hours training, they take you up to 12,000 feet or so, strap you to an experienced diver, and let you free-fall for about 30 seconds. I highly recommend it. There were about 15 people in the plane, and as we climbed to altitude, there was an incredible amount of farting going on. It was a relief when someone popped open the jumping bay. Does anyone know whether a sudden drop of external pressure induces farting? And if so, do you have the complimentary problem e.g., when you come up from a deep ocean dive? Could it be that the bends are caused by your body absorbing farts?

Logjam

The Dumpster's picture
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Did 'ya hear the one about the Avon Lady who was working a high rise apartment building? After finishing her business on the top floor, she enters the elevator to descend to the bottom. About 10 floors down she lets an industrial strength fart. She arms herself with a can of pine scent air freshener and hoses down the elevator car. A couple floors futher down, a wino gets on and starts sniffing. She asks him what he is doing. He says he smells something. Figuring it might be a good chance to see if the air freshener works under such rigorous circumstances, she asks the wino if he likes the smell. He responds with, "I don't know." and continues sniffing the air. The Avon lady asks him what it smells like, and after a few seconds of serious thought, the wino says, "It smells like someone shit a Christmas tree."

_______
Send all your money to Bilgepump, or to Dave!

AssBlaster2000's picture
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Logjam, WTF is "ski diving?"

If you're talking about SKY diving, the kind where you go up in a plane, I would guess that the farts were caused by a combination of altitude and nervousness. I fart a lot on a plane, and also tend to fart more when I'm nervous. They sneak out more easily.

sharty mcfly's picture
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yeah the nerves build the gas and the gas has to go somewhere. the most embarassing time i ever had to fart was when i was in the ER with the kidney stone. the nurse understood even though it was terrible, i suppose it could have been worse, coulda been a code brown. as far as farting on a regular plane they keep the cabin pressure constant with what you would experience at somethine like 5,000 feet because if the cabin wasn't pressurized there would be massive death, so on a regular airliner i'm going to bet it's nerves. but on a sky diving plane that is not pressurized it could very well be nerves and pressure.

yours in time,

Sharty Mcfly

Logjam's picture
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SKY dive -- Yes, Virgina2000, that's what I meant (though apparently there is something called ski diving). But can't you cut a guy a little typo slack?

Logjam

AssBlaster2000's picture
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"A guy," maybe. But not you.

Oh, and didn't you mean "Virginia?"

Logjam's picture
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Yes, sweatheart.

Logjam

GottaGoGirl's picture
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Has anyone ever tried to hold in a fart, only to have it "back-up-rumble" on you? It sounds a little bit like your tummy growling, but mostly it just sounds like an internal fart. It's safer to go with the slow leak, if you can manage it.

The Dumpster's picture
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Yeah, GGG, but a slow leak at Three Mile Island is still likely to be hazardous to the health of those affected by it.

_______
Send all your money to Bilgepump, or to Dave!

Logjam's picture
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I was surprised -- but shouldn't have been I guess -- at the comprehensive entry in Wikipedia on flatulence. Among other curiosities mentioned there is the existence of professional farters.

Logjam

sharty mcfly's picture
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the most famous being a french chap named le petomane if i remember correctly

yours in time,

Sharty Mcfly

Phillip DeCrapper's picture
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I grew up with a couple of guys who could fart at will. They would bend down and touch their toes, and suck air up into their asses. These idiots would do this in church, and you could actually hear the air escaping into their a-holes. Then, a thunderous blast, and everyone within earshot would turn beet red with anger and embaressment. I tried to learn this technique, but was never successful, proffessional farters are born, not made. Great fun. Hallelujah!

The Dumpster's picture
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"Phillip DeCrapper": Funniest new PR name in a long time!

Welcome to PoopReport, Monsewer DeCrapper, and please visit our forums thread on funny sounding names.

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Send all your money to Bilgepump, or to Dave!

Thunderbox's picture
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Almost right Sharty - but as everyone seems to being becoming pedantic on this story: he was Le Petomaine, and he did an act for years which combined various types of farting to will on stage(even, allegedly, tunefully). Apparently he was very good and had huge audiences.

The voice of sanity

Kurt B Verplunger's picture
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I cannot believe zis, ve vould never tolerate it.

Kurt B Verplunger's picture
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Ve do not allow ze public farting in our country - zis is only for beasts of ze fields.

GottaGoGirl's picture
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Sehr geehrter Herr Verplunger-- Es tut mir furchtbar leid, aber Sie sind nicht komisch.

sharty mcfly's picture
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ooh real german, and the fartiste... a term he purportedly coined himself did even perform at moulin rouge. he had a few acts, some for mixed company (gents and ladies) and another (just for gents) he would smoke two cigarettes, do fart impressions, etc. i wish i could make a living off of farts.

yours in time,

Sharty Mcfly

Phillip DeCrapper's picture
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Well, I don't know about making a living off of farts, but I sure do enjoy them for myself. Matter of fact, today I am going to play golf with one of the guys I was talking about, who can manufacture farts. I plan on saving up some pressure for the next couple hours, and ripping off a couple, just to see if I can get something started. Ahh, a symphony of ass gas on a Saturday afternoon. Fore!!!

Regi's picture
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It's okay if you have ninja fart, like me between poops.

ass man's picture
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For me farting is a serious problem. Mainly when on dates with hot girls. Cant help but get a massive gas build up.

RoboCrap13's picture
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In "California Casanova", the hero gets into an elevator on his way to pick up a date. Two guys get on a few floors later and cut loose. They leave one floor before the date gets on the elevator.
She sniffs and flinches. The hero hands her a bouquet of flowers, which she proceeds to use as a gas mask for the ride downstairs.

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Plunder's picture
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Whew, elevators. Got stuck in a broken elevator in mexico for five hours once, it was about 100 degrees in there and STUNK like a garbage truck. Like the place was filled with fertilizer, death and celery. I never fart in elevators anymore after that.

So as with all poop related foibles, it's all right if you're comfortable and as courteous as you can be with it.

Plunder's picture
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and do not fart too much into fabric if you care about its condition at all. Lately I quit doing it because my chair at work sometimes reeked so bad like stale farts that I thought they were someone else's. I imagine little atoms of poop work their way into the fibers and it takes a looong time for them to fully decompose.

When it Shits it Pours's picture
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Ha ha, Pludner, that reminds me. I had an old desk chair this summer during a particular gassy time. You know those uber raunchy farts that smell like raw meat? Yeah I blasted gas on that thing for a few days straight. Low and behold as I would plop down on it for the next week or so afterward a vile smell would eminate from it. Ha ha, decomposing chair!

StinkyAss2000's picture
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i love farting so much guys :)

realripsnorter's picture
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Yes, farts are one of the true, genuine joys of life!! - On a few occasions, I have had to travel across the country and stay in a hotel for a week or two and attend training classes. Of course with eating resturaunt food all the time and lots of evening downtime, I came up with a little game I would play when the rumbling gas sessions came on.
I would summon the elevator to the floor of my room, and upon entering the elevator, proceed to "bleed off" any collected gas (whether noisy or not), then I would select a floor either one up or down from mine to allow the required "incubation period" and then exit the elevator on the next floor and return to my floor via the stairs. Once empty the elevator either returns to the lobby, or to the next floor that has summoned it, filled with my noxious "gift" to the next rider.

_______
It's O.K., We just have to smell it; He's got to sit in it!

It's O.K., We just have to smell it; He's got to sit in it!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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If I got to poot then I'm gonna let it out. I will poot in public but I find an empty aisle or corner to poot in away from people. At my job I poot right at my desk. Pooting is natural. I don't know what the big deal is about passing gas. I always feel like a new woman after I pooted two or three good times in a row. Why be miserable?

Anonymous Coward's picture
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If I don't pass my poots my stomach gets a painful gas bubble that won't budge. I have to slip my poots out whenever the urge hits me. I pooted in my chair at work one day, and the smell lingered for about twenty min. Everytime I moved my butt a little bit off the chair, the fumes from the poot would lift off the chair. That was a powerful and strong poot. Fiber fart bars, did it to me.

Anonymous pass gaser's picture
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help help what can i do i CANT STOP PASSING GAS!!!!! what do i do

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I always let one big rip every 20 minutes. it feels so good, so rancid that flower died... everybody not bothering me for an hour at least. Hopefully I get my own office or better than my boss's office. it is going to be wonderfully, long smelly month. On bright side, no one is gonna steal my $600 chair so why not bring big wave while u are at it?