What you do when you run out of toilet paper during a poop at home

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76 Comments on "What you do when you run out of toilet paper during a poop at home"

healthy 1's picture
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I voted for option five. I keep quite a supply of TP on hand.

If by chance, I were to run out, I would resort to the next best thing: napkins, facial tissue, or paper towels.
_______
Watch out for the deadly F4, though he's been gone since '53, he will be back.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

PoopySmurf's picture
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My husband is the God of Paper Products. We have enough TP for a billion bungholes.

Brown Finger's picture
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If there's no tissue available and no roll of paper towels in the bathroom, I'm sure not shuffling around the house with my pants around my ankles dropping the hanger chunks on the rug while I search for something to wipe with. I would do the butt rumba, check the reflection in the water to see if I can detect a dingle dangling, rumba a little more to help it drop, do the sphincter pucker technique to urge all vestiges to loosen their grips on the butt lips and, when satisfied that the area is as free of solids as possible, strip, jump in the shower, and give the butt a good spritz. If anyone votes to use a washcloth or a towel without saying they'd immediately toss it in the garbage (outside) afterward, I'm going to gag. The thought of washing my face later with a fudge rag is enough to make me heave. Might as well use my underwear to blow my nose if that's the case.

werewolf pooping on trees's picture
l 100+ points
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I second that. We buy so much toilet paper you'd think it all was going to be discontinued tomorrow.
If we ever did run out, I think I'd do what healthy1 said and use napkins/tissues.

_______
...and they all lived crappily ever after!

...and they all lived crappily ever after!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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Brownfinger wrote: "Might as well use my underwear to blow my nose if that's the case."

I laughed so loud at that!

Amen! The only other option for the wash cloth would be to go ahead and dye it brown for future butt use.

Northy's picture
l 100+ points
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In the North houshold, we always have a stack of TP on the window sill behind the toilet. If by chance (I do remember having to resort to this years ago) that we do run out of TP, we've been known to use kitchen roll. Not the best feeling on the old A-Hole

the log of hazzard's picture
l 100+ points
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I'm always stocked up good on TP, it has never happened to me before. Best thing to do is to keep a fresh roll on the nearest shelf/counter/surface.

_______
Some are born crappy, some achieve crappiness, and some have crapiness thrusted upon them. (Do NOT be last one)

Some are born crappy, some achieve crappiness, and some have crapiness thrusted upon them. (Do NOT be the last one)

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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In a pinch, Bounty will do. Or a paper napkin. Or Kleenex. But all of that was in my bachelor days. Now that I have a companion who keeps track of household supplies, we never run out.

Hurray for relationships!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Fecal Follies's picture
l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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It was great to come back to PR (I mentioned in a comment elsewhere that my mom died) to find MY first poll suggestion as THE poll!

Yay!

My son has now discovered PoopReport and my involvement therein. He's slightly horrified, laughing at the username, and delighted by the sigline. Hey, he's 17.

He pointed out that I totally forgot to include the "paper towel" option.

He says to tell all y'all "hi!" and that he'd use reading material, not one of my good washcloths. Thank the Poop Gods for that.


_______
And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points
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Toilet paper does not "run out" in my house. It's simply not an option.

If some kind of unavoidable disaster destroyed my toilet paper supply and nothing else, I'd use a wash cloth. Having two young children (one still in diapers) I know that poop stains come out of clothes, towels and sheets just fine.

Bleach and hot water are ultimately cheaper than having to buy new clothes, sheets, wash cloths and towels everytime a little poop gets on them... especially when you have kids.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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Stranded,
On a toilet bowl.
What do you do
When you're stranded,
And you don't have a roll?
Wherever you go
For the rest of your life,
Prove you're a man,
And use your hand!

PooPee's picture
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Hey, Dumpster! That's great. My dad used to always sing that, but he never said the second verse. Question finally answered!

Canada Mike's picture
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Although I do keep a stockpile in my house in every washroom, I have, the odd time been in such a rush that I did not look for TP before I sat down. In my own house, I will pull up my pants, squeeze the cheeks and waddle over to another washroom in my house.

This has happened a couple times at a friends place. Once I yelled at a friend for some TP, and yelled at him for not stocking some, he laughed at me, then brought me some. However this has happened once at a girls house, one I did not know well enough to open the door and ask.
I ended up using some maxi pads. I folded them up and put them back in their packaging and put them in my pocket. As soon as I was clean enough (note "enough", I did not want to go throught the whole box, it would have been too obvious) I left the washroom and went outside, and dumped the stuff in the back alley. I went back inside and found a roll in another washroom, and replaced the empty one in the washroom I was in. Overall, only took a couple minutes, and she never even noticed, she was getting ready for the evening.
Although when I think back about it, things could have gone much worse.

Nine Inch Log's picture
k 500+ points
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Maxi pads to wipe shit? Wow dude, that takes balls. I would have just asked.

_______
Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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When this type of emergency arises, I think back to a story I read here, and simply doff the trousers, and sprint, straddling the hedge,
thereby removing any debris, and giving my tush a herbal lufa treatment.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

log_blogger's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Costco is my TP supplier. 36 rolls at a whack. Although, I've been known to give up after assessing the situation and just jumping in the shower.


_______
www.mydailypoop.com

www.mydailypoop.com

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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Actually, I would think maxipads would work quite well. Good thinking!

On that note, in ill-planned moments of need, I have rifled employee restrooms, found what I needed, and put some money into the box to pay for what I used.

I wonder if Mike's female friend was pissed when she realized she was down several products.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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This poll does not mention the most important option of all (unless someone above mentioned it because I am too lazy to read everything), using the little brown tube! I almost didn't vote because it wasn't there. However, I had to choose the last option because out here in the country you make it a habit to have a million rolls of TP.

Or else use the chihuahua. She's white, so I suppose it's appropriate.

_______
If a man farts and no one's around, does he make a sound?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points
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There is a washcloth which hangs surreptiously on the faucet of my tub. This is the poop no T.P. emergency ass wiping apparatus. So in my domicile bathroom there are TWO washcloths. So as to not mix them up I keep the ass wiper one closest to the faucet and the body one closest to the soap. I use very little T.P. as it is mainly because of two things. One most of my dumps are first thing in the morning and I am going to take a shower anyway so what is the point of wiping? I get in the shower break out the apparatus and wipe my ass with that. I think its great ecologically because I am saving a few trees by not using as much T.P. TWO I use those wet wipes in addition to T.P. which also causes a reduction in usage of T.P.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

Fart Poopie's picture
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Thunderous, you remind me of a family on a t.v. show a couple of years back. It was called "Frontier House" and it was about 3 families that had to live like folks did back in 1883/84 in the American frontier. Nothing that hadn't been invented by that time period was allowed.

This one family made a point of showing off their butt wiping cloths (each person was in charge of washing/maintaining their own) because one of the things they couldn't have was T.P.

Fecal Follies's picture
l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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So why didn't these modern-day pioneers use the Sears, Roebuck catalog?

Mom (obviously of later vintage than that era, lol) told me stories about that being the favored wipe in the outhouses of her youth.


_______
And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

Fecal Follies's picture
l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Oh, forgot - what about that staple of hillbilly jokes, the corncob?


_______
And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

Fecal Follies's picture
l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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*goes back and reads comments*

TSV, have you ever actually had to use that little brown roll?

My horrendous experiences with it a time or two in the past have led me to disregard it entirely as even an option. I'd get better results using my hand.

So - it didn't even enter my mind for poll purposes.


_______
And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Alas, I have used it. Many times. Usually only for wiping my piss off, but once I had to use it for poo in an emergency.

I think it was Slim Jim Junkie who once used the little brown roll. He threw it in the trash and the dog came in and stole it.

I apologize, Slim Jim, for stealing your story. It just seemed appropriate here.

_______
If a man farts and no one's around, does he make a sound?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

loaf pincher's picture
l 100+ points
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i never run out i buy shit paper buy the transport load

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Depends. The key here is expediency, so whatever happened to be within reach. Socks also come to mind. If it's a full bath and the toilet is beside the tub and not on the far side of the vanity, I could use the shower curtain.
_______
Deja Poo - Because this shit's so strange, it couldn't ever have happened before.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points
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I use the following technique. I pull my pants up BUT not all the way so that the underwear does not touch the asscrack. I then carefully make my way to the laundry room and take out not ONE but TWO rolls of paper and bring them back then after putting a roll on the spool I then wipe my ass. If I were to run out completely well then I have my "special washcloth" which I only use for my ass to begin with.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Of course, one could always just grab the damn cat and give it a good scrub.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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I would, but not with Puff Kitty. He's a longhair and those things itch in my crack. Plus, he turns into a walking dingleberry forest after a while.

_______
Behold! My new farting super power! BRAPP!!!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

turdfan's picture
l 100+ points
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I think I've only had that happen once. Fortunately, I had already wiped once, so I was able to walk spread leg style about five feet where my TP supply was. I noticed the roll looked low when I sat down, but I thought I had enough. I think I may have discharged some looser than normal turds that day, so that screwed up my calculations.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points
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I picked the last one. We always have an ample supply of TP on hand. I got to thinking, if the bidet ever caught on in this country, the economy would collapse.

The toilet paper industry has got to be a billion dollar a year business. If the bidet ever became a standard fixture in American homes, can you imagian how many jobs would be lost?

I never realized how much ass wiping was part of the American economy.

Fecal Follies's picture
l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Heh, yeah.

No matter *how* broke I am, still gotta keep up the TP supply. It's one of those things you can't NOT buy, right?


_______
And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Coffee filters. Those huge packs from Costco.
You do what ya gotta do.

turdfan's picture
l 100+ points
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Hey Postman, I'd like to ask you a serious question: Will bidets really clean your poop? I have always thought that they were designed just to rinse the vagina, and not to clean your butt-hole. I'm real curious about this. (Of course even if they do clean you, you would still have to use TP to dry off the water.)

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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It's true that we hardly ever run out of t.p. at home because we keep watch on supply and replenish when needed. However, the supply is not reachable from the toilet, so the roll mounted next to the toilet may run out during wipage. Once or twice I have gotten there, sat down, pooped, and found an empty roll. In that case, I make sure I've finished pooping, get up, sidle over to the supply cabinet, pull a new roll, put it on the spindle, sit back down, and wipe. Usually the poop residue hasn't spread too badly around the anal area. Obviously, if I spot the emty roll before pooping, I just go and get a new one.

I do remember hearing about an incident in a high school where we were living in TN many years ago, where a violent diarrhea bug went around the school, and they ran out of t.p. for the whole school during the day and had to send someone to the store for a new supply.

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points
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I know what you mean, MSG.
My Paper supply in on top of the cabinet over the toilet. I have to stand and reach to get more. I usually put a new roll on top of the tank when it's gettting low.
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

shitake boy's picture
l 100+ points
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I voted for option 5. However there has been times where I ran out of TP while I was on the toilet. In those cases, I was able to ask my wife to bring me TP, or as a kid, my mother always brought me tp in that shituation. There was one time, that I ran out of TP at work, and a female co-worker actually had to bring me the lifesaving roll of tp, because it was in a place where I was the only male employee. Generally, I usually have enough in the house, and generally check before I sit down._______


In search of the ever evasive BM

In search of the ever evasive BM

GONZO's picture
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Toothbrush,underwear,shirt take a shower dish cloth,diaper good luck pop on

THE ANUS OF DOOM!!!'s picture
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i picked panic!!! i just shite myself! (pun intended). i ran out of toilet paper earlier and used the brown roll (statically opened up to reveal it also is an emergency source of professional wiping equipment). unluckily i had the squits (if you don't already know this saying, its not hard to figure out what it means). this en-genius plan however did not work second time round as the aforementioned saviour roll had already been used up. i thus panicked for a while (as the shower is in another part of the house). i eventually came up with the "solution" of putting my bum over the sink and turning up the water to full so the rebounding water droplets could blast my anus clean! this took a bit longer than i expected but it worked a treat and i assure you is almost like an rectal massage (if such a thing exists).

Postman's picture
k 500+ points
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This happened to me just this morning. Lucky for me, there was a box of Kleenex on the toilet tank. Unfortunatly, it was the kind with aloe in it. So even after wiping, it felt a little greasy back there.

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points
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Yes, but how soothing if the Starfish is screaming in agony!
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Postman's picture
k 500+ points
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Good point. I once used a wadded up piece of newspaper during a camping trip. Talk about a screaming starfish.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I think I voted wrong. First, I would panic. (I have used the brown tube once, years ago). and even if I do get in the shower the potential for dripping ca ca has to be irradicated first. Now I begin to panic when I see my stash has dwindled to the last roll and I can't foresee the next trip to the pharmacy.

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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I usually just get off the toilet, and walk on my hands to the other bathroom. Being upside down prevents droppage of caca. I voted panic because when I do this everybody in my path runs out in a screaming panic.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points
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I tried that once, and not being able to see where I was going, I accidentaly walked out to the living room, into the middle of my wife's book club meeting. Kind of embarrassing.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Well if a picture is worth a thousand words, then I guess the book club was treated to a
paper(less)back(side).

Postman's picture
k 500+ points
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They held the meetings at the neighbors house from that day on.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I have used coffee filters before when I ran out of TP.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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I ...uh....nah, too easy.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I scream at the top of my lungs, "Goddammit, who used up all the toilet paper, again! Someone bring me some fucking paper!!!!"
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.