This poll isn't gonna attract alot of comments, so I'll just derail the fucker right now...
Star Jones was caught wiping with a siamese cat by Queen Latifa, Kirtie Alley, and Jenny Craig, while the threesome were sweatily riding the bicycles in order to provide PD with seats for his museum. All hell broke loose when Kirstie and Queenie discovered blood in there poop, and Jenny suddenly developed stank ass. Star went on to pose for Penthouse and Boy's Life magazines, and interviewed Dave regarding his book on a small independent cable t.v. station in Poughkeepsie.
I can tell you from experience that the 1st and 4th ones are the same.
Oh, and I heard that Teddy was found passed out next to a bike seat of unknown origin. The only thing I heard was that his nose was actually sucked completely back into his head.
NORMALLY, it doesn't. I have well-behaved bowels. Well, until recently. I moved into a dirty house and haven't had a solid stool (maybe 1 or 2) since December. So technically they do stink as of now, cuz golden diarrhea isn't very nice.
Ok, look, I derailed this poll, quit trying to bring it back!!!!
If memory serves me (very big IF), it was wonderpance who introduced Star Jones and set in motion this avalanche of derailments. Then, she goes off somewhere and leaves us alone to kick the thing to death, unable to generate a new idea (OK, we did link it with bike seats, but....). Wonderpance, help us imaginationally-challenged dwarfs out here and get us going on another meme before Bidge wears a groove so deep in his brain that it joins with his butt crack and his two halves just fall apart. I'm beggin ya.
Yeah, what he said! I need help, desperately!
We all need it! Will someone please go into the forums and grab the young lady by the short hairs and get her out here?!!! Alternatively, maybe one of the new people can help us out here. Sittingpretty, you seem to have a creative mind. Fling some out-of-the-blue ideas our way, will ya?
I'd love to know how many of the ones answering "No, I'm a princess" are men. ;)
You may think your shit does'nt stink, but the person who enters the bathroom after you may have a different opinion.
If you really want a stinky shit, 2 words- Budweiser and chili
Jason from Subway was caught wiping Rosie ODonnell's arse with Ellen Degeneres' cat. Ellen Degeneres was found under a fema trailer with a bike seat that Michael Jackson used to apply limbago medicine to his prostate. Michael Jackson was seen scratching deep in his arse then sniffing the same fingers in Never Land.
(huge sigh of relief) Thank you, sittingpretty, and Thank God for you. That was far to close to total meltdown than I care to get.
Yes, we can tell wonderpance that she can stay there in la-la land. Sittingpretty can flip shit possibilities like they were burgers at a 4th of July picnic. The idea of applying ointment with a bike seat is actually one I'll file away for treating a little problem I sometimes have, and should save hours a year. The latter one reminds me of the YouTube you get if you Google "monkey smells butt". If you haven't seen this, treat yourself. It actually is right on topic for this pole as well. I'm going to ahve to work a while on possibility 1, which seem like a vein we could mine for a month, minimum. But SP, keep firing away and please note that the images and topics need to have anything to do with asses and shit.
Shit yeah, my shit stinks! Why wouldn't it! _______Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!
Hey you guys: if you promise to play credit card reader, maybe wonderpance will join in on the fun! _______Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!
Postman brings up a very interesting point. Does this comment refer to the shit stinking in your own opinion or in everyone else's? Normally, one's own shit doesn't stink... at least to the shitter. It's sort of like B.O., farts, and those after beer burps. Everyone likes the smell of their own brand. _______Beware the shitticane. Election, 2008.
The amount of odor varies. The choice said according to what I eat, and maybe so, but not necessarily. The main factors are hang time and submersion coefficient. If the turd comes out s-l-o-w-l-y, thus hanging a long time, and especially if I am forward on the seat and leaning forward, as I often do, then the smell is somewhat to quite noticeable. If some of the poop ends up above the water line, the smell is also there. If the drop is quick, and the turds are all safely under water, the smell is minimal. That's why they invented the water closet in the first place. Let's face it--shit stinks.
MSG, just a small point in physics. Any odour will be absorbed by pourous surfaces around it. Water, is used to seal in odour form those giant gasometer thingys, that most towns have. Ergo, given that the 'dunny' has an enammel surface, bowl shaped, with a still water base, as soon as the loaf is pinched, the pong remains untill the water begins to flow. A possible soloution here would be to set up a garden hose, just above the bowl, and just keep the water flowing.
_______like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.
As a jogger/extreme exerciser, I get dehydrated a lot. And of course my shit stinks bad, in the concentrated form. My sister used to get mad at me for wasting her hairspray. Wasn't my fault, it was the only thing that would cover up the odor in the bathroom.
Hairspray!?... what the hell did you do? preserve your shit in a hairspray cocoon? How many coats did it take before the stench was totaly encased? Some people..... I dunno, *sigh*
ODT, - me, I'm a princess!_______like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.
The poo goes down the toilet as quick as possible-BVC. The hairspray was a substitute for air freshener. And it works better, moron.
F2401, oooh, is the old IBS playing up? Go take some imodium.
Shitwit -- thanks for jogging the collective memory about the credit-card reader game. Now that you bring it up, my guess is that wonderpance doesn't come around the playground anymore because Bilge wanted to do nothing but make credit purchases from her "store." I think her reader got a little sore.
I used the "debit" option, so could use my "pin number"...I think she got a little miffed.
Rock on, Baron. :)
And Frank, now there's a use for hairspray I'd never considered. Probably a better one, it tends to make hair feel like plastic, in my experience, at least. Ick.
The only thing I ever used hair spray for was a potato gun, and boy did that get me in trouble.
Frank, I was just wondering how well that air-freshener works on holding your hair in place.
If Aristotle was still alive and shitting, I think he’d respond: All peoples’ shit stinks. You are a people. Therefore, your shit stinks. Q.E.D.
Logjam!!!! you're going to tilt the thread again!! See??? We're all leaning to the side slightly. Woah. I'd better get to bed. _______Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!
Gees, Shitwit, I'm sorry (not really -- these days, whenever I do anything that makes a women go even slightly towards the horizontal, I count it among my successes.)
LJ, I'm not sure of your political persuasion, but you seem to be tilting more and more to the right. CEP would be proud.
well i like my shits to be big so it will feel good coming from my booty hole. i once shit in the shower and it was about 13 inches long. it was fun. then right behind my shit i had an explosion of shitting farts. i had fun and it was everywhere. i had to stick my finger up my booty hole to keep anything else from shooting out.
Marcus, while your finger was up your booty hole, did you pick your nose?
Let's hope, PD, that Marcus has quickly become bored with us uptight and unadventurous PoopReporters and is back in his tub exploring new ways to have fun with his feces and orifices, and that he'll be too busy and preoccupied to bother logging on here to share anymore with us. Let's hope.
I just pictured what Dog described. In a giant, Baby Huey way. With Mel Blanc's voice. And one hair on top of his head. Sporting a five-oclock shadow.
Two missing teeth.
_______.....hugging bunnies since 1969 www.daphneszoo.com
Daphne, I have come down with a bug or something, and between sleeping and napping, I missed your 3000th. Congratulations!! Now what am I supposed to do with the barge full of pyrotechnics I have anchored in the East River.
OH SHIT!!! Me too, Daphne!!! I saw it yesterday, but got so caught up in something completely trivial and worthless, that I forgot all about congratulating you, so...now that its too late, fuck it, I'll just wait til ya get to 4000.
prarie doggin (1114) --03.28.2008 Now what am I supposed to do with the barge full of pyrotechnics I have anchored in the East River.
Invade Manhattan?
Well, thank you peoples. Due to my late night weirdo hours, it was a simple affair graced with a guest list comprised mostly of close friends and family.
Gator volunteered as door man until it was time for him to give his speech, at which point he licked himself a bit, farted, and then humped a blanket. The celebration's catering list was direct; cheap California sparkling wine slugged directly out of the bottle and some Swedish Fish leftover from Thing Two's Easter basket. We ended the evening when Carlton decided it was time to take a crap in the front yard. All in all I was pleased.
Next month we're going to have the real ceremony at city hall. It's going to be huge. Someone is ordering a Big Sandwich. Can you bring the pyrotechnics? We can get Manhattan next year, if it's alright with Dodge.
Oh, sure, you can invade it. But what to do with it after?
How about we just attack those new toilets?
Heres a thought... I wonder if Yngwie Malmsteen's farts come out at a hundred miles an hour, in a minor pentatonic scale (with an awesome medieval sound)?
...and if they smell of fir trees and snow, and Volvos...
The stack stinks, yeah. One day at work I got the afternoon rumbles and a sudden cold sweat that did not bode well. In retrospect its obvious that piroshkies and lebanese food would do a bad tango in my guts. Anyway, the only available bathroom on site was a small, poorly ventilated, 1920’s art deco affair with only one double hung window - painted shut. I knew the brew banging down my pipes was going to be noxious from the rancid recon scouts popping out of my ass every few seconds, but hey a little methane ain’t lethal right? So I settled down on my throne and got work. Soon I discovered the scouts were not on recon, they were escapies desperately trying to clear out before downtown brown thundered through. The turd itself was hole burner, but the smell was thick and greasy like sticky rotten eggs with skunk cabbage bouquet. Would that I had possessed a pocket mirror, because I swear the hairs on my butt turned white that day. The stench was a force of its own. You could of cut it with a knife and fork. It was everywhere, it jumped up my nose, grabbed onto my tongue and started to crawl down my throat. I felt dizzy and teary eyed but then it was gone. I could no longer smell it but the air felt pastey. I washed up and went back to work. Out of consideration for my fellow employees I shut the door behind me. Big Mistake! About 15 minutes later our delivery guy Phillipe showed up and made a B line for the crapper. Next thing I and everyone else heard was “Oh my God!” “Christ Jesus why?” “Oh no no no no no . . .” Phillipe ran out of the bathroom pants in hand and started spitting and coughing into a debris barrel. After a while he recovered enough to look up at me with his blood shot eyes and say: “It was you ! I know, I saw the skid marks.” I just don't have a poker face. He would of ridiculed me more but he had to run off and find a place to take a dump. (One day at an orientation meeting, prior to commencing repairs on a pulp mill, the plant engineer warned us of exposure to lethal chemical gasses. He said some smells are so strong they completely overwhelm our olfactory senses. Such that it may seam that an oppressive odor has dissipated yet in fact your brain has turned off your nose to keep from going bonkers. Once you feel light headed it could be to late!)
I feel light headed. BVC, you're not a moron, sometimes when I drink, I say stupid things. Anyway, another method to cover up odor is to get enough pressure built up so you can do MSG's "explosive pow"- then flush at the same time so the poo goes down as quick as possible. The simultaneous flush and go.
my mouth can be a fountain of stupid things and it don't require liquor . . .
Ah, Hum bunger -- just the sort of people the site hopes to attract. Spew, baby, spew.
Frank, join the club. If I had a nickle for every stupid thing that came out of my mouth, I'd, well, er..... have a lot of nickels. Just be wary of what can be the two stupidest of stupid words (I do). Oh, and BVC said something about giving him a big kiss down under, whatever that means. I guess he wants to make up.
Down under? what kind of tranny do you take me for?
Frank, the flush and go therory sounds fine at first, but how are you meant to check output for consistancy colour and quality, if you flsu at the same time as releasing the butt nugget?
I guess a couple of well placed mirrors, duct taped to angle poise lamp stands might do it.
Only thing is though, the mirrors would have to be adjusted for eah sucsessive encumbant. Almost ' rear view mirror'esque.
Infact, why not have left and right side view mirrors aswell? Stereo vision no less!
Wow, even better, combine all three mirrors and hey presto! Surround a vision!
I feel a Patent Pending.
'Do you flush to soon? Is your poop gone before youve even been introduced? yes? Then you should surround youself with shit, with the all new, tried and tested SURROUND O POOP-VISION MK6.32.1 After years in the making, and strenuous testing, both on and off road, RONCO are happy to bring you this wonder of modern science, allowing you to inspect the turd even before the butt cheeks slam shut! That right folks BEFORE THEY SHUT! Incredible as it sounds it is totaly true. Order yours today at the craaaaaaaaaazy offer price of 299.99, on our 28 poop, no dribble, money gone, guarantee'
Its a winner! _______like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.
Sorry, BVC I confused you for a (drunken)moment with BM (an Aussie). My comment should have read "a big kiss across the pond", but I think "down under" sounds better. My apologies.
BVC, attach a high speed video cam to that contraption, and you'll have a winner. Instant replay, slo-mo, frame by frame. The possibilities are endless. You should contact the Ronco people asap.
PD, Ronco are on it as I type. There has even been mention of sponsorship during the development phase from none other than PANTENE, the hairspray people. Also, Ronco have hinted that they are considering giant screen projection onto the facing wall of the bathroom. This shit is gonna be big!
As a fellow IBS sufferer, I think maybe those mirrors should have windshield wipers on them. That way, maybe you could get a Nascar sponsership also.
Bilgepump said on the very first post that this poll wouldn't attract a lot of comments.
I'd say wrong.
Whether your shit stinks or not is going to be a hot topic.
of course shit stinks. That's why some genius invented air freshener.
I think what Bilge meant was that there would not be many comments on the subject, which I think the thread has proven. It's the "no duh" title that has left it ripe for derailment, and off topic comments.
Just to get back on topic, I shit this afternoon, and it stunk.
As usual, PD, you've been proven right. I guess I haven't been paying that close attention.
By the way, my shit this morning did'nt smell all that great either.
Once again, a remarkably funny comment session. This site is forking out some classics recently! _______Born right the first time.
BVC, it's just that the odor should be avoided at all costs. (now, say to yourself 3 times very quickly- he he he, or ha ha ha, and then try not to laugh. or just say heee and go silent, then try not to laff) Well, I told you I say dumb things when I drink...
PD doest it again! Gets a good idea, and turns it into a great idea! PD I gotta hand it to you, only a Truck monster such as yourself, would have thought of windscreen wipers, sheer brilliance. I'll get your adaptation a credit on the soon to be released Patent, if you are agreeable. (A kick back of say, 20% of net profit, per sale?)
Frank, I have tried out what you suggested.... odly enough, I did not laugh.????_______like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.
TSV brought up the point that everybody likes the smell of their own farts. Has anybody on this site ever "Dutch Ovened" themselves?
Postman, I "Dutch Ovened" myself once in the winter. Driving my car, shirt tucked in, thick coat covering all clothes. Let's say farts will float north even when sitting.
Is there any poop that smells worse than the morning after a night of drinking poop?
I'd have to say food poisoning poop. _______.....hugging bunnies since 1969 www.daphneszoo.com
Hmmm... Food poisoning... I remember copping a dose of food poisoning once. I was working night shift, and I couldn't eat or shit for about 3 days (or nights). Bunged-up completely. Finally, heading home one morning (as passenger in a mate's car) the pressure got too much. Every set of traffic lights I was dry-heaving out the door, as the gut spasms said "Get outta me!", but the throat muscles wouldn't let it out. Got home just in time to fling the dunny door open and (for the first time in my life) projectile vomited into the bowl. The pressure behind it was unbelievable! It sprayed everywhere, and when it was over, it left me weak and giddy. I had to drag the garden hose through the house to clean up, there was so much of it. After that was over, I relaxed enough to notice the need to shit. Weak, giddy , chunder-stains on my shirt, and blowing chunks of chunder out of my nose, I finally got to sit down and get rid of whatever was too low in the guts to come out upwards. It was rock-solid, then it was wet, and yes, it stunk like a bastard. I dry-heaved a little bit more, but there was nothing left to expel. I showered and, knock-kneed and whimpering, went to bed with a new-found fear of God.
Thank God you guys have gravity down there. Otherwise that vomit would have flown into space, and been caught by the earth's magnetic field and wound up all over North America.
BM, I love a lot of Aussie slang, but chunder is one of my favorites. I first heard it in a Men at Work song. Which reminds me. Taking a dump after eating some vegemite sandwiches can't exactly smell like roses either.
Yes, PD beat me to saying, chunder has to be one of the best terms I've heard in a long time. So... graphic! _______Born right the first time.
Odors from my poop are invariably vile. I stock two flavors of air deodorizer in the under-sink cabinet for just that reason. Watery diarrhea can even have a slightly burnt or tangy odor, but regular solid logs have an almost meaty smell (kinda makes me think about what's for dinner).
The preacher addressed the congregation: "Blessed are the POOP in spirit, for they shall be wiped clean!"
----Captain Craptastic!!!
Recently my poop has been smelly a bit oceany. Guess we know why. _______Born right the first time.
My poops have that awful sulphuric, acrid, dead tissue stink. Very much like food poinsoning poop stink. The more sudden the attack of the trots the stinkier it is. With each subsequent attack in any given day the stench just builds. We just got a new bathroom for our department and I've destroyed it daily. Both toilets have also needed snaking about 6 times and it's been open less than a month. I'd love to take credit for all of the cloggings but I believe there is a master clogger among us peeons. But that unholy stench that has permeated all pores of the new shithouse? All mine, baby. _______Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!
Michael Jackson's glove was not a prop. His dad caught him with crap under his fingernails after a deep dig. The glove was his dad's punishment to keep Michael from smelling his chunder fingers on stage. I love the word chunder!
Is Michael Jackson related to Marcus?_______Yo quiero Taco Bell.
Ahhhh, Michael Jackson. Representing the changing color of turds for the last 40 years. Whata guy!
Yech, chunder fingers. Vomit smells bad enough without finger-painting with it.
It has to be noted, that, although chunder is a wonderful descriptive, it refers to talking to god on the great white telephone.
i.e. *Baron on knees, hugging the porcelian*
'Oh jesus! Oh lord!' *Barf* 'OMG' *upchuck* 'Holy mary mother of god' *technicolour yawn* 'Oh lordy lordy'
I'm sure you get the picture.
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