When you sit on the toilet, do you spread your cheeks? And why?

// 61 Comments
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61 Comments on "When you sit on the toilet, do you spread your cheeks? And why?"

Mary Queen of Scats's picture
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I think this poll should be repeated for people of varying weights.

I consider myself normal sized, and actually have a hard time spreading my cheeks...not to say I haven't tried, it's just hard.

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No no, honey. Kitties don't sit on the potty.

Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

Trian's picture
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Oh come on, doesn't anybody besides me squat?

Bilgepump's picture
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I have a special, Rigor Mortis" (I call hime Morty, clever, eh?) cat I use to wedge my cheeks apart, and then I use his stiff tail to keep them apart...once I flex farted and snapped the tail like a dry twig...had to get a new Morty.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Fudgepump's picture
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I'm so damn thin that I barely have cheeks to spread anyway...

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Since I've been reading Dave's book, I've been thinking about trying my ass at the squat-and-shit maneuver. This is going to be difficult, however, because I'm a middle-of-the-day deucer, which means at work. Since I work in an office building, I might weird out a bunch of people if they should happen to see my ass below the level of the stall walls squatting on a piece of newspaper.

On the other hand, I suppose that I could just cop a squat in the alley like the local homeless do.
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

DropADeuce's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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99% of the time I just sit down and go, butt there have been those rare occasions where the poo is SO large that I felt I needed some extra "clearance". I actually held my cheeks open through the whole process. It worked!

Postman's picture
k 500+ points
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I just sit and shit. Sometimes when I lift my one cheek up to wipe, though, I can feel them spread. Feels almost like I'm splitting myself in half.

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points
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Deja: you could perch yourself on the seat and hope your aim is true...or lift the seat and balance yourself on the actual porcelain rim.
However - the lack of visible feet could lead to stall incursions. In either case, your "aim" will be critical...I don't even want to think of the consequences of a perching "splatter-dump".

loaf pincher's picture
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I agree with MQS weights should be taken into consideration i am not fat just a big guy 6'4" there are some people at my work that are very plump and short i kind of feel sorry for them when they have a stubborn brown fish to free i am not real sure how they fit on the seat in are tiny little stalls

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
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First of all I'm a wide guy....oh wait.....wrong post right? Seriously though I don't see how spreading a cheek allows the dump to be cleaner. Perhaps its the way in which I dump. My technique is to hit the seat and detonate.
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

Fudgepump's picture
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Let me guess, Thunderous: you've got a "wide stance". right?? *yukyuk*

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points
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I rarely "spread em" myself. A sudden plunk on the seat and opening of the sphincter is really all I need to get the job done these days. I don't like to spread my cheeks for fear of a major splash back getting poop water up the exit ramp.

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Mary Queen of Scats's picture
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"Big boned", Fudgepump. *wink wink*

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Man who stand on toilet seat is high on pot.

Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

brown eye's picture
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Don't spread them..you need to let your terd cutter do the job..otherwise you will have a "hanging chad"

takeypictures of my poo's picture
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I think breathing is important when droppin a deuce. I have pushed so hard in the past I was afraid my mom would see pictures of my dead body on the mens room floor in the newspaper.

ThePoopMime's picture
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I spread sometimes if its the kind of shit thats going to make me beg and plead
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40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

poo_poo_poodio's picture
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I've never even thought of spreading my cheeks before, I'll have to try it on my next difficult transaction. Brown Eye, your "turd cutter" remark was priceless.

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"Can you spare a square?"

"No, I don't have a square to spare."

"Can you spare a square?"

"No, I don't have a square to spare."

poo_poo_poodio's picture
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Is it true ... poop is tapered on the end to keep your butt from slamming shut?

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"Can you spare a square?"

"No, I don't have a square to spare."

"Can you spare a square?"

"No, I don't have a square to spare."

Heavy Doodie's picture
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Hell yeah! Spreading makes everything better--keeps the cheeks cleaner, lets the turds out easier, and lets the crack air-dry of all the sweat that collected from being confined inside all those layers of fabric.
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Keep up the crappy work!

Keep up the crappy work!

Fecal Occult's picture
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I only spread my cheeks when it's extremely hard to push out. Squatting is saved for very difficult occasions.

Ginormous Logs's picture
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Ginormous Logs it's time to trim the hair down there, so spreadin helps to eliminate some of the dangle berries

Ginormous Logs's picture
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Ginormous Logs most of the time i have to spread and shake vigorously, much like you would a martini, to get the last warm morsel to fall

Toilet Expert's picture
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I used to spread 'em, but now i'm finding it more comfortable and efficient to just plop down and go. Occasionally, I'll squat if I'm constipated.

healthy 1's picture
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I just sit and go. They always automatically spread for some reason.
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"Thunder in March betokens a fruitfull year" .Or is it "Thunder in March, frost in June"?

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Bunga Din's picture
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I've never had to consciously spread my cheeks, but then again I'm not overweight so maybe I just don't understand what some of the other posters are stuck with.

The Shit Volcano's picture
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I only spread my cheeks on a public toilet. For some reason (and it doesn't matter what weight I am because I'm much smaller now), public toilets always cause a poo crayon on the cheeks. So I spread them on a public toilet to keep down the smear factor. I think it has to do with having pants and shoes on, because when I shit at home I am not usually wearing either.

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What if everyone farted at once?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I spread 'em by leaning forward as I sit. I then sit up so that there is no shrapnel.
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SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

MSG's picture
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I usually spread my cheeks for both reasons: to let the turds out more easily, and to minimize the cheek-smear. However, I rarely keep them spread through the whole movement, which can take a little time; and sometimes I have a hanger-on piece that I have to squeeze, then re-spread the cheeks, then shake up and down to get to release and plop into the bowl.
One other thing I have noticed: Right at the moment that the movement begins, I feel a relaxation, and I feel my anus actually descend a short distance as it prepares to open up for the poop to get out. Thus, the anus forms a sort of dome, headed downwards, and when that dome opens up, it makes a sort of ring through which the turds exit. That ring helps to keep poop from staining the inside of the cheeks. I don't feel that every time, but when I do, I probably wouldn't have to spread my cheeks as far.

wonderpance's picture
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i can't vote because i only do it sometimes. like if it's sticky and won't come out all the way on its own or something. i don't really like to spread 'em cuz then my hole hurts. and i don't like to have a hurt hole!
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i love poop.

i love poop.

MSG's picture
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I tried squatting again yesterday and noticed that, in that position, my cheeks do not spread as wide as they do when I pull them apart while seated. My poop was sort of soft and did not push my anus as wide open as usual; the result was that my butt had an unusually large amount of poop sticking to it, and it required more wiping than usual. Again I confirmed that I prefer sitting to squatting, with my cheeks well spread.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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I just plunk my big fat ass down and drop the bomb. No spreading, no straining, no unusual amount of residue. I could be wrong about the residue since I have never examined another's post poop asshole to see what the norm is.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

sittingpretty's picture
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My cheeks spread automatically. I just tried to spread them manually with very little success. My skin is too soft to get a grip. When I did finally get a brief flash of a grip and tried to spread the cheeks, I noticed it made no difference in the natura spread I already had. I also noticed that my hands were in the way of comfortable seating and I had to lean forward thereby risking falling off the seat. I shall stick to plop and drop. Besides, I needed my hands to massage my abdomen so the colon folds would unfold and let the poop descend into my rectum and out the spout.

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

BT's picture
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I usually spread them while pooping. In my previous experiences, I've had to wipe a large amount of shit off my ass. Whenever I started to spread my cheeks, I noticed that I was using less toilet paper and I also noticed there was less smearing. I've been spreading the cheeks for years, and probably saved a great amount of money on toilet paper. It's just a technique, and this technique doesn't work for everybody.

Ciao!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I poop by squeezing my cheeks closed on the seat, why do you guys spread?

MSG's picture
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Squeezing your cheeks closed? Why would that work? I can imagine that, if you have anything but a really hard poop, you will have lines of poop down the inside of both cheeks, and you would have to use a lot of toilet paper. I would also think it would be harder to get the poop out.

prarie doggin's picture
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Sometimes my cheeks are glued shut from the residue of a previous dump. When that happens, I go down to my local fire house and borrow their jaws-of-life to open them up.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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My bathroom's small size does not allow me enough space to
spread the cheeks of my massive ass.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
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Chief, you have a very familiar sense of humor to me. Are you from Jersey? If not, you'd fit right in.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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PD.......I am pure Tennessee hillbilly but I enjoy eating Jersey Mike's subs. Could that have effected my sense of humor?

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Thunderbox's picture
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Probably not as much as your unspreadable cheeks have, Chief!

The voice of sanity

prarie doggin's picture
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Only if you eat 'em with hot peppers. If you ever visit, look me up and I'll treat you to a real "Italian hero".

Duh, you did mention in previous posts you were from Tenn. The only thing shorter than my memory these days is...well...

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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PD.........Somethings just naturally get shorter as we age but other things actually get longer.

Did any of you ladies and younger guys ever wonder why old men give their trousers a hitch before sitting down?
It's so we don't set on our balls and crush them. They have a tendency to dangle more as we age and can be easily mashed. Especially if we have massive asses.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
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I usually just give them a whack from behind and sit while they're on the upswing.

MSG's picture
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In recent days I have been paying closer attention to just what I do when pooping, including spreading my cheeks. This morning I felt the urge early (5:10 or so), but by the time I had walked to the bathroom, the poop had slightly receded and the urgency reduced. When I sat, I pulled first on one buttock, then the other, and that seemed to pull the poop back down to the exit. Another pull from each side, and I could feel the roughness of the turd on the inside of my anus. Leaving the cheeks well spread, I took a deep breath to push; not quite ready. I waited another few seconds, felt the poop at its readiest to come out, took another deep breath, and pushed for the entire brief time (a few seconds) that it took for the movement to come out. It felt good and complete. It turned out to be a one-wiper, my first in weeks. When I looked, the proceeds were two pieces, about 7" and 6" long, starting as #2 and ending as #4 on the Bristol scale. I think the pulls on alternate cheeks might have helped move the poop into place to be ejected.

turdfan's picture
l 100+ points
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We just replaced one of our toilets with a Toto. (It was not a fancy one, just one of the least expensive models they make) Anyway, my wife said it felt funny when she sat on it. I sat on it and noticed that the inside of the seat was lower than the outside of the seat. Consequently, when you sit on it, this contour causes your cheeks to drop a little and spread in the process. Really nice!!! What will the Japanese think of next.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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Turdfan.........I thought Toto was the little dog in "The Wizard of Oz", am I wrong?
I would think that if you sat on Toto your balls would have been gnawed off, if not that then Dorothy would have been highly pissed of at you. Of course you could grab a handful of the straw mans stuffing to use for asswipe.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Postman's picture
k 500+ points
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I don't know - I've never given it any thought. I just drop my pants and sit and go. I guess if you spread 'em it might make it easier, but it also might make the hemmorhoids pop out easier.

Anonymous Coward91's picture
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I always squat at home, and since I started last year, everywhere else too. It's for me, a revolutionary way of pooping, no mess no fuss, minimal wiping- minimal effort. Proven to be the most natural way. But then I can talk coz im a skinny athletic guy huh =| each to their own =3

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I only spread em when I have an unruly demon that doesn't want to part from me. usually i just sit an shit. i try to spread out the time i'm in the can over a long period. I put myself in this delusional mind frame that if I sit there long enough I'll shit out something other than rabbit pellets.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Rectal Badger's picture
l 100+ points
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I spread my cheeks to reduce messiness. There's nothing worse than ending a dump with dook smeared all over your once-pristine mudflaps.