I chose other because when I was a young child of three I crapped in my backyard rather than go inside and use a toilet. I was a busy kid! Why go inside and spoil my playtime?

Anyway, there had been a windstorm a couple of days before and a bunch of litter blew over the fence. Among the garbage (which Dad later grumbled about as he picked up) I found a plastic bread wrapper. It was the spotted Wonder Bread kind, if I recall correctly. I used it and a McDonald's bag (still white in those days) to wipe my chocolate starfish.

Today I wonder exactly what Dad was groaning about, the garbage, or the fact that some of it was shit smeared.

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I was a category five! Category five, I tell you! Get it right or I'll be back to PROVE IT!!!!- Katrina

I've been stuck without TP on a few hiking trips (which I'll never do again) so I've used my hand, clothes, leaves, stick, and whatever I could.

When I was a young lad of about 5 I shit outside and dragged my ass across the lawn like I saw my dog doing.

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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Let's not forget poison ivy. I never did but I know two people personally who did. Boy were they sorrry.

The strangest thing I have used to wipe with is shrink wrap. There was no toilet where I worked, and I realy realy had to go.

I was alone, so it didn't matter. I just threw everything in the woodstove when I was done, taking "put another log on the fire" to a whole new level.
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It's not nice to fool mother nature.

Nasty old damp tp found in an abandoned house.
Gross.

I've only used leaves when out in the wild, or napkins from the glovebox when roadside. I used lilac leaves on my brother when he shit himself at my greatgrandmother's house. My dad was mowing the lawn and no one else was home so the house was locked. My brother was about 3 when this happened. The lilac was the only piece of greenery on the whole lot! I must have picked nearly all its poor leaves off to wipe his shitty legs and bum! Afterwards I let him run around with no pants on. My dad freaked out when he saw my bro running free, but I explained the shituation to him and he was relieved his 7 year old daughter took care of the mess instead of leaving it for him.

Nine Inch Log: "dragged my ass across the lawn like I saw my dog doing" - HA! That's priceless! Nearly peed my pants laughing at that image!

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White Castle: Eat em by the stack, shoot em out the back!

I'd love to know who chose the "corn cob" option. Or maybe I don't.

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White Castle: Eat em by the stack, shoot em out the back!

I voted clothing, cuz I have, and if I had said 'cat' Daph would berate me until the end of time.

Shit-Towel
An old towel, sock, rag, or t-shirt that is used as a means of wiping one's ass when no toilet paper is available, often left in a pile in a bathroom closet for repeat use.
Dude, we're out of buttwipe. You'll have to use this shit-towel.
Source: Herman P. Willis, Memphis

Shart Tampon
A wad of toilet paper or an an old sock stuffed into the back of one's underwear to curb the effects of chronic sharting.
I farted hot liquid into my underwear. What i need to do now that i'm cleaned up is use a Shart Tampon.
Source: Herman P. Willis, Memphis

Dave, thanks for posting my poll question. I picked brown paper sack. Corn cob is really old school. I never considered the shart tampon, or shrink wrap, bit deperate times call for desperate measures.

Empty "Teddy Grahams" bag, which GoBoy had stuffed into my purse.

It was crinkly.

Soft absorbent moss, ripped from an obliging tree, during an extended walk in the woods with my dogs...bears aren't the only ones...

I have used a rock, those mailing cards that fall out of magazines, the toilet paper tube, used snot rags from the trash, and the blank pages torn out of a book.
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Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan
Join The Poop Reporter's Lounge

A wash cloth--that needless to say was retired after that use. I was desperate that day. No time to run to the store to get TP. It was an old, raggedy wash cloth anyway.

What about - people! I worked in a nursing home briefly. Very briefly - it scarred me for life. One evening we found an old poop fingerpainting on the bedrails. The very mean LPN I was working with barked out orders - you, get a basin of water, - you, wash cloths towels and underpads - you (here she turned to the resident)... and she never finished the comment, cause he reached up to pat her cheek and smeared shit on her face. I never laughed so hard in my life.

I had to vote "other" on this one...I was going for a run in the woods and I got a crap attack (it happens when you run sometimes) and had to go NOW. There was no one around, so I dropped my shorts, pooped by a tree and grabbed a pine cone to wipe with. It was one of those long, kind of flexible ones so it didn't hurt all that bad. It did a pretty good job, actually.

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An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

I`ve used newspapers a lot - I try to use commie rags like the Guardian if possible. Once wiped on some curtains.

I've used my pantyliner.

ScatWoman, the weirdest thing I have used to wipe with was also moss! I took a dookie on the ground in my dog's "run" that she goes in when we can't walk her just yet. I blamed it on her and got 25 cents for picking it up!

I got money for picking up my own poo.

It's kind of sad

Poop on!

-Poopgirl

inspired by stephen dedalus of ulysses fame, i wiped me ass with a page out of a magazine

rocks are fun too when out in the wild -- like rorshach (sp?) ink blots -- you can guess what they are later...

Pine needles branches on long hikes in the mountains. Make sure you wipe the right way and don't reverse!_______
What's so funny 'bout poop, love, and understanding?

"RoseyRedRectum (1) -- 10.19.2006 --I've used my pantyliner."

Wow. That's pretty smart thinking. Somewhat gross, but effective.

GGG, do you think any woman would ever consider using pantyhose?

Pantyhose would be ineffective, I think. You might as well wipe with your hand, unless you're wearing some spandex tights (which would just smear all over the place, wouldn't it?) or thick cotton tights.

The strangest "thing" I've used was a rag. We were on our last day of camping and ran out of TP.
The strangest way I've wiped is a different story. I was a kid, we were at the beach, I pooped in the sand near some rocks, then jumped in the water to clean my bum.

All in all, not very strange when compared to other folks here.

Oh, sorry for jumping in, TBW. I just realized your question was directed toward GGG.

Don't worry, FP; the more the merrier!

And I agree; actual "nylons" would be too... webby. The poop would go right through.

ALTHOUGH... I just thought of something. I was thinking of the leg part. THAT wouldn't work, but the PANTY part of "pantyhose" might do in a pinch, folded carefully.

Assuming a gal was wearing additional chonettes under the nylons.

Actually, the weirdest thing I've used to wipe my ass with is a leather purse. And once I shit myself in public and dumped and entire bottle of talcum powder on my ass so no one would see and came out of the bathroom like that. I was ten, it was a sleepover...
Actually, the whole story is we were playing Sardines and I and a couple other girls went downstairs to look for Bridget, and I was carrying a mop. So I thought I saw something move (Bridget) threw the mop at the washing machine, screamed, shit myself, and ran upstairs with the rest of the girls. Oy.

An empty MRE bag. We were out on night maneuvers one evening and I had to cop a squat. I wandered outside the perimter of our position, dropped trou and dumped. Just as I was finishing up, the SFC (who already dropped me (for push ups) twice that day) started yelling for us to get our shit together because we were moving out. I panicked. The first thing I grabbed was an empty MRE (Meal-Ready-to-Eat) bag in my jacket pocket.

For those of you not in the know, MRE's come in is a little bit heavier than a contractor-strength trash bag. Wiping your ass with such a thing is a misnomer. It's more like smearing instead.

(Before anyone objects, yes, I know asswipes come in the bag along with the meal. No, I didn't have any on me.)

In any case, I didn't want Dillweed messing with me anymore that day, so I put my clothes and equipment together and headed back. For the rest of that hump -- probably a mile or so -- I could feel the smeared poop working its way around between my cheeks and thighs. Fortunately, no rash resulted.

Two come to mind.

I love the outdoors. Hiking is one of my favorite activities. One time I experienced a monster about cut loose. I found a tree, dropped trou and even removed my drawers. After an uneventful crap....well as uneventful as an outdoor shit goes, I used my white undies as TP. Nice clean wipes. Needless to say I left those Fruit of the Looms behind. Hate to disappoint the naturists here, but I'm not about to carry around contaminated chawnies. I walked the rest of the trail with the boys flopping free in my Levis.

The worst time was when I was rather young...around 10 or 11 with the boy scouts. My shit in the woods was completed with my grabbing some nearby leaves to wipe. Those leave happend to be poison ivy. Enough said.

I'm a pretty tough guy. I live in the desert. I'll use cholla cactus, iguanas, a buck knife, 100-grit sandpaper, a handful of gravel.... oh, you said the "strangest thing" I've ever wiped with? Hmmm.... I tried that quilted Charmin stuff once...what's up with that, anyway? Bizarre. Couldn't tell if I was even touching the crack it was so fluffy...

When I was 12 me and my friend Monica use to take bike rides well outside of our neighborhood. If our moms had known they probably wouldn't have approved of us going as far away as four or five miles. But we were bored, adventureous, and we didn't have a lot of options as to how to spend the long summer days.

The problem was we would get too far from our homes and have to use the bathroom, a public bathroom was our only option. One hot afternoon I could feel a huge shit coming on and our closest option was a very old Texaco station. I had just set my bike down and opened the restroom door when I barely had time to drop my shorts and throw myself onto the stool. Luckily the seat was down because I wouldn't have had time to lower it.

After completing my dump within just a few seconds, I reached for the toilet paper dispenser--EMPTY. And I had quite a wipe job ahead of me. I called out to Monica to check the men's room next door which she did and it was empty too. There I was on the seat, sweating like hell from the humidity and close-in quarters, and unable to wipe. As I thought of my options, I got up off the stool and looked behind it to see if there was an extra roll. Nothing! But I did see an unopened box of motor oil and I got to thinking about the labels on the cans. I would have a dozen at my disposal. I was somewhat physically tough for me to open the box on my lap while I sat on the stool, but I accomplished it and tore the red and gold labels off the first one, and later a second can. Although the paper was slick, it did the trick. Monica went in after me but she only had to pee so only one can sacrificed a label for her.

I guess necessity makes people think in strange ways!

My answer is: nothing. When I was about 5, I pooped in the yard for no good reason (the house was open, my parents were home, I wasn't playing anything terribly exciting). TSV and 9"Log were much more creative than I. I just pulled up my pants and walked inside the house to wipe up. But I made a discovery: if you don't wipe, the residual poop rolls up into a ball, like a bb or a marble, depending on how much of a sticky wad you had on your pucker.

tissues. yeah, i know, not that weird

Tree-bark. Birch trees are the best.______
Producing waste since 1967

Last winter while jogging the urge hit me. After unloading I used a cotton work glove to wipe.

shitwit (256) -- 10.17.2006

I'd love to know who chose the "corn cob" option. Or maybe I don't.

ALthough I've never used a corncob I have used the leaves of corn on two instances. The first was back when I used to work on a farm and needed to poop. What are you gonna do, I popped a squat in the cornfield and wiped with that horribly horribly ruff corn stem, claiming never again.
Then probably about 3 years later I was on a ten mile run. Needless to say I live in a rural area, so making use of the nearest facility (field, tree, rock, etc.), a corn field I ran in s little ways and pooped. Then I was in a predicament, what to wipe with??? I remembered the previous experience however decided it was worth another try. Wow shoulda went with my instinct on this one.
When I got back the coach asked me what took me so long and i explained. He laughed and said, "You should have sacrificed a sock." That was truly the best advise ever given to me by any coach, I will never forget it.