My sounds are not at all consistent. Sometimes there is the traditional fart (which I prefer) However, other times there can be a hiss, or a blast, or just a light splash as the last section of the turd hits the water. Once in a while I fart both before and after I poop. I really enjoy that also.

Picture, if you will, a red-lining f16 engine that has just ingested a supermarket carriage.

Mine usually scream "FREEDOM!"

After drinking a frappuccino, mine sound like: "frap-frap-frap!"

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

All of the above, but another choice should be-
freight train.

I always refer to mine as, "The sound of a flock of 1000 pigeons, all taking off at once". Princes Square in Brussels provides the perfect acoustic.

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like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

I cant stop laughing at " a moist sliding sound."
flllaaflalflflflaaaapfleeeeh. That's the best way I can describe what I do. Or just the loevley peeing out the butt the next day after tee many martoonies.
And this bunny at the end of the page getting corn holed is cracking me up. Between this and the moist sliding sound, I'm gonna pee myself.

At breech, my poop starts its rendition of "Hello Dolly".

Depends- usually small farts or a soft hiss. The explosive blast only happens when I'm in a public shitter.

Postman, with all due respect, I wouldn't start a sentence here with the word "Depends".

Bilge, I have a fix for your stage poop.

Don't wear breeches!!

Kiddy pants, I find, just hold everything right up there. I think maybe you should check them out, J.C. Penny is doing a special on the outsized type, all through the spring.

Mention my name, and get a further discount. (Just don't tell anyone)

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like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

I have elected the moist sliding sound, however all of the above really apply to me. It really depends on a large amount of factors, anywhere from constipated to diarrhea, well to sick, and what I had eaten prior to any given poop. The "bottom" line is that it is all good once it comes out.

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In search of the ever evasive BM

Normally just the sound of plops in the water below - but occasionally a SQUEAK, as it is 'actually emerging' - which makes me laugh. It isn't connected with any constipation or impaction. Anyone else experienced this? Can anyone suggest a reason? Perhaps I need some WD 40!

I have made all the sounds listed, but more often than not I can hear nothing but the plops. I think my favorite is the soft fffff, which usually happens if I am doing a very long continuous turd (rare nowadays). My least favorite--and, fortunately, rarest--is the explosive blast, though that did happen a couple of times during last week's illness.

Mine sob softly because they know they'll never be as happy as they were with me.
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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I have experienced all of the above, depending on my food/beverage intake. I have, however, had shits that sound like Satan himself shouting curses at my colon.
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Assaulting toilets since 1977!

As others have mentioned above, it really depends on the type of shit being expelled:

If I have eaten shrimp, MSG, or anything with a retched amount of cholesterol, it whizzes into the bowl with that sputtering hissing sound you hear on the Hawaiian lava fountain videos.

If I have eaten at TGI Fridays, the sound is more of a rumble like a glacier landing in an Alaskan bay.

For long drives with little water and too much meat, a space capsule landing on the ocean suffices.

For too much pasta sauce, it's sort of a disappointing crackle, followed by a light tapping sound on the water. Then, of course, it is followed by a string of curse words and half a roll of toilet paper.

Last night's meal sounded like an old re-run of Wild Kingdom goes to the Jungle. Not exactly sure HOW many animal noises it made.

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Beware the shitticane. Election, 2008.

I've now re-named it the "crappuccino"!
What's in this stuff?

Hey all, explosive blast is what happens each and every time I poop. I bike and I'm athletic, into health food and fitness, and I guess everything gets rolling after a while. Pretty much after each and every bike ride, I have to find a place very quickly near the path. And then the fireworks begin.
Cheers thepoopguy34

So thepoopguy, are you telling us you shit in the woods cave man style on a weekly basis? do you keep tp on your bike or do you just grab a fistfull of leaves?
I'm just cuuuroius.........

I think I've made ALL of those sounds - plus others - at one time or another.

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And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

"Cave man style" I love it! Oh, you forgot to list the painful ripping sound as an option!!
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Would you like me to throw you a rope?

Usually, my pooping noises come out of my mouth. I tend to click, grunt, say "meh meh meh" or something like that, with the intent of not being swept up into a hemorrhoid-causing anal overreaction. I need to keep anal pressures low, so when I poop I focus on letting it slide out on its own rather than actively pushing (especially when pushing is not needed).

Hey all, to answer your question. No I do not poop in the woods or I try not too anyway, and not on a weekly basis. I usually find a washroom near the path. And yes for long rides into northern Ontario and trips abroad, I do keep a roll of TP in my knapsack for just those emergencies.
cheers thepoopguy34

its usually diffrent at times but it always follows a "aaahhh yeeeaaaah" after the initial plop.

I hear nothing until it hits the water then i hear it trying to swim ashore, i try not to steer too long at the poopy log cos it will scream out for help and tell me its drowning.
Does anyone elses poop talk to them?

There is always some degree of variance here, no two turds sound alike! Much of it has to do with consistency and other intestinal products like farts. I always like solid well-formed turds followed by a fart that sounds like a question (rising tone) but some of the most humorous are diarrhea and gas mixed together. Those require extensive paperwork to seal the deal! Blrrrgl, splat, rumble, glorp!
----Captain Craptastic!!!

I had a nice long slow ffffff sounding movement at school (work) a couple of days ago. Usually mine are in the plop-only category, but that one definitely made the soft hissing sound coming out. I don't know what makes it do that occasionally.

MSG, maybe the long, slow ffffffffff... noise is the result of some fart-gas escaping past the turd, possibly via a fold in the donut muscle. If the poo itself is solid enough to have taken the shape of the bowel, and is too hard to conform to the contours of the balloon-knot, then maybe there could be just enough of a mis-match to allow some propellant blow-by.
Maybe...

Uh... Thanks for the poop physics lesson, BM. Perhaps we should get you here to explain the science behind the other bum sounds listed above, though I am terrified to learn why my ass screamed the other night.

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Born right the first time.

Ahh, so that's what that blood curdling sound was that I heard last night.

Does anyone remember those cheesy English horror movies from the '70s? Usually made by the Hammer House of Horror.
I can just hear the preview trailer voice-over...(sounding like Vincent Price) "How much terror can you stand? Can your heart take it? Next week on Thriller Theatre, The Curse of the Screaming Asshole!!!"

What are turds pointed?
So your asshole doesn't slam shut and wake the neighbors!
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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....