What sound does your poop make as it is actually emerging from your bottom?

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122 Comments on "What sound does your poop make as it is actually emerging from your bottom?"

turdfan's picture
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My sounds are not at all consistent. Sometimes there is the traditional fart (which I prefer) However, other times there can be a hiss, or a blast, or just a light splash as the last section of the turd hits the water. Once in a while I fart both before and after I poop. I really enjoy that also.

prarie doggin's picture
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Picture, if you will, a red-lining f16 engine that has just ingested a supermarket carriage.

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Mine usually scream "FREEDOM!"

The voice of sanity

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points
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After drinking a frappuccino, mine sound like: "frap-frap-frap!"

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Frank2401's picture
l 100+ points
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All of the above, but another choice should be-
freight train.

baron von crapalot's picture
k 500+ points
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I always refer to mine as, "The sound of a flock of 1000 pigeons, all taking off at once". Princes Square in Brussels provides the perfect acoustic.

_______
like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points
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I cant stop laughing at " a moist sliding sound."
flllaaflalflflflaaaapfleeeeh. That's the best way I can describe what I do. Or just the loevley peeing out the butt the next day after tee many martoonies.
And this bunny at the end of the page getting corn holed is cracking me up. Between this and the moist sliding sound, I'm gonna pee myself.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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At breech, my poop starts its rendition of "Hello Dolly".

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Postman's picture
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Depends- usually small farts or a soft hiss. The explosive blast only happens when I'm in a public shitter.

prarie doggin's picture
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Postman, with all due respect, I wouldn't start a sentence here with the word "Depends".

baron von crapalot's picture
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Bilge, I have a fix for your stage poop.

Don't wear breeches!!

Kiddy pants, I find, just hold everything right up there. I think maybe you should check them out, J.C. Penny is doing a special on the outsized type, all through the spring.

Mention my name, and get a further discount. (Just don't tell anyone)

_______
like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

shitake boy's picture
l 100+ points
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I have elected the moist sliding sound, however all of the above really apply to me. It really depends on a large amount of factors, anywhere from constipated to diarrhea, well to sick, and what I had eaten prior to any given poop. The "bottom" line is that it is all good once it comes out.

_______
In search of the ever evasive BM

In search of the ever evasive BM

Sitting Wiper's picture
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Normally just the sound of plops in the water below - but occasionally a SQUEAK, as it is 'actually emerging' - which makes me laugh. It isn't connected with any constipation or impaction. Anyone else experienced this? Can anyone suggest a reason? Perhaps I need some WD 40!

MSG's picture
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I have made all the sounds listed, but more often than not I can hear nothing but the plops. I think my favorite is the soft fffff, which usually happens if I am doing a very long continuous turd (rare nowadays). My least favorite--and, fortunately, rarest--is the explosive blast, though that did happen a couple of times during last week's illness.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Mine sob softly because they know they'll never be as happy as they were with me.
_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Shits Happily In The Shadows's picture
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I have experienced all of the above, depending on my food/beverage intake. I have, however, had shits that sound like Satan himself shouting curses at my colon.
_______
Assaulting toilets since 1977!

Assaulting toilets since 1977!

The Shit Volcano's picture
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As others have mentioned above, it really depends on the type of shit being expelled:

If I have eaten shrimp, MSG, or anything with a retched amount of cholesterol, it whizzes into the bowl with that sputtering hissing sound you hear on the Hawaiian lava fountain videos.

If I have eaten at TGI Fridays, the sound is more of a rumble like a glacier landing in an Alaskan bay.

For long drives with little water and too much meat, a space capsule landing on the ocean suffices.

For too much pasta sauce, it's sort of a disappointing crackle, followed by a light tapping sound on the water. Then, of course, it is followed by a string of curse words and half a roll of toilet paper.

Last night's meal sounded like an old re-run of Wild Kingdom goes to the Jungle. Not exactly sure HOW many animal noises it made.

_______
Beware the shitticane. Election, 2008.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Butt Seriously's picture
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I've now re-named it the "crappuccino"!
What's in this stuff?

thepoopguy34's picture
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Hey all, explosive blast is what happens each and every time I poop. I bike and I'm athletic, into health food and fitness, and I guess everything gets rolling after a while. Pretty much after each and every bike ride, I have to find a place very quickly near the path. And then the fireworks begin.
Cheers thepoopguy34

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points
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So thepoopguy, are you telling us you shit in the woods cave man style on a weekly basis? do you keep tp on your bike or do you just grab a fistfull of leaves?
I'm just cuuuroius.........

Fecal Follies's picture
l 100+ points
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I think I've made ALL of those sounds - plus others - at one time or another.


_______
And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

chaos321's picture
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"Cave man style" I love it! Oh, you forgot to list the painful ripping sound as an option!!
_______
Would you like me to throw you a rope?

Would you like me to throw you a rope?

JamieTeal's picture
l 100+ points
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Usually, my pooping noises come out of my mouth. I tend to click, grunt, say "meh meh meh" or something like that, with the intent of not being swept up into a hemorrhoid-causing anal overreaction. I need to keep anal pressures low, so when I poop I focus on letting it slide out on its own rather than actively pushing (especially when pushing is not needed).

thepoopguy34's picture
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Hey all, to answer your question. No I do not poop in the woods or I try not too anyway, and not on a weekly basis. I usually find a washroom near the path. And yes for long rides into northern Ontario and trips abroad, I do keep a roll of TP in my knapsack for just those emergencies.
cheers thepoopguy34

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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its usually diffrent at times but it always follows a "aaahhh yeeeaaaah" after the initial plop.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I hear nothing until it hits the water then i hear it trying to swim ashore, i try not to steer too long at the poopy log cos it will scream out for help and tell me its drowning.
Does anyone elses poop talk to them?

Captain Craptastic's picture
l 100+ points
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There is always some degree of variance here, no two turds sound alike! Much of it has to do with consistency and other intestinal products like farts. I always like solid well-formed turds followed by a fart that sounds like a question (rising tone) but some of the most humorous are diarrhea and gas mixed together. Those require extensive paperwork to seal the deal! Blrrrgl, splat, rumble, glorp!
----Captain Craptastic!!!

----Captain Craptastic!!!

MSG's picture
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I had a nice long slow ffffff sounding movement at school (work) a couple of days ago. Usually mine are in the plop-only category, but that one definitely made the soft hissing sound coming out. I don't know what makes it do that occasionally.

Blind Mullet's picture
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MSG, maybe the long, slow ffffffffff... noise is the result of some fart-gas escaping past the turd, possibly via a fold in the donut muscle. If the poo itself is solid enough to have taken the shape of the bowel, and is too hard to conform to the contours of the balloon-knot, then maybe there could be just enough of a mis-match to allow some propellant blow-by.
Maybe...

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

The Shit Volcano's picture
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Uh... Thanks for the poop physics lesson, BM. Perhaps we should get you here to explain the science behind the other bum sounds listed above, though I am terrified to learn why my ass screamed the other night.

_______
Born right the first time.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

prarie doggin's picture
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Ahh, so that's what that blood curdling sound was that I heard last night.

Blind Mullet's picture
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Does anyone remember those cheesy English horror movies from the '70s? Usually made by the Hammer House of Horror.
I can just hear the preview trailer voice-over...(sounding like Vincent Price) "How much terror can you stand? Can your heart take it? Next week on Thriller Theatre, The Curse of the Screaming Asshole!!!"

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points
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What are turds pointed?
So your asshole doesn't slam shut and wake the neighbors!
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Jasmine's picture
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Hi I'm jasmine my turds feel soft and sticky as they come out and as I am about to push the last bit out I get quick strong fart and the las turd slides out

prarie doggin's picture
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Jasmine, you're my dream girl. Will you marry me?

Jasmine's picture
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but i don't know who you are where you live and weve never met parrie doggin?

Artful Dodger's picture
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Careful, PD. Something tells me that Jasmine is really a Joshua.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points
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Mine says, "Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty I'm free at last."

prarie doggin's picture
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Postman, do they ever come out in the dead of night?

Postman's picture
k 500+ points
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Sometimes.

By the way, PD, I notice you're closing in on 2000 points. Are you eventually going to replace Dave as the Grand Poobah of Poop Report?

prarie doggin's picture
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You got me Postman. I was planning a 9000 point "surge" in September (the 9th month). Will be taking to the mattresses tonight. Im well stocked here at PD Central. Plenty of alcohol, trail mix, canned beans and tp. Now if I can only think of something to say.

Postman's picture
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At PD central, I'd add a couple of hookers and maybe some raisin bran. Then you'll be all set for your coup.

MSG's picture
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PD, with all that ammunition, you should be ready for an up-to-the-minute report on the exact sounds your next poop makes upon its exit. Mine's been mostly silent until the plops lately.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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I always thought my poop came out silently but I was wrong. Using the stethoscope that came with my blood pressure monitoring kit I was able to hear
my exiting turds doing an almost inaudible
rendition of an Avis commercial, "when your number two, you try harder."

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
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Chief, mine come out pretty much like a clumsy OJ hurdling through the airport.

Postman's picture
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While going through the airport, was it looking for the real killers?

prarie doggin's picture
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Yup, and unfortunately he didn't pass any full length mirrors.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points
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But remember, if it don't fit, you must acquit.

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points
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No, Postman...
If it don't fit, you must break it up with the "special coat-hanger" and plunge carefully.
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

prarie doggin's picture
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Can we do that to OJ?