How you wipe in a public restroom with no TP

// 55 Comments
PoopReport of the Year Awardj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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I'll use the empty cardboard roll.
10% (60 votes)
I will ask my stall neighbor if they can spare a square.
12% (69 votes)
My socks/underwear will take one for the team.
9% (54 votes)
I will just pull up my pants and go unwiped.
14% (82 votes)
I'll wait until the place is empty, then run bare-assed into another stall and wipe.
54% (309 votes)
Total votes: 574

55 Comments on "How you wipe in a public restroom with no TP"

Chad's picture
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There should have been another option: Swear like a sailor, go unwiped, then beat up the manager

Poop Shooter's picture
k 500+ points
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Tough one. Need more variables. It would depend if I had to take a Flaming Shit or not. If I just need to take an average poop, I would probably just hold it and look for another shitter. If It was a Flaming Shit, I would ask the neighbor. If nobody else was there, I'de probably hunker hunch my semi bare ass into another stall. If still no butt wipe, then depending on hos slimey I felt, I'de check the paper towel holder.

Ugh....to wipe or not wipe...this is the question!

Have a Crappy Day!! Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

paradise pooper's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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to prove you're a man you must wipe with your hand.....(sort of pooetry).....

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points
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This is an easy one, I'd wait until all was quiet and head to another stall, if no wipe there my boxers would get used and dumped in the trash.

DirtyStinkyBum's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Smell it, baby! Yeah! I like to leave a stink in public toilets that will turn stomaches. Yeah! I like it when my poos smell like something crawled up my arse and died. I like it when I leave a stink for my boss. Shameful shitting is for pussies; the world needs more aggresive shitters. Yeah!

Sniffy-snif-snif. Whiffy!

AssBlaster2000's picture
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I was surprised that the 5th option is getting all the hot action. I did vote for it myself because I've done it, but I thought the socks/underwear would get more votes because every poop story on this site where the person has no TP ends in a one of these two being used. It's like a poop cliche.

For the record, I've also asked my stallmate and used the cardboard roll.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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I have done the bare-assed run several times.

Normally when I have to wipe real bad the cardboard tube is not enough. It is usually a single-wipe deal. And in a lot of those public bathrooms it's one of those foot wide cardboard deals that is stuck way up inside a specialized dispenser.

Going unwiped or wiping with socks just seems absurd to me. Yuck!

As for asking my neighbor for some, usually they pretend I'm not there. Most of them are members of the FRVA (Future Rape Victims of America) and they are afraid of everything, including someone asking them for some butt wipe. They probably even shit with their hands clasped against their chest. So that option is usually out of the question.

There have been a few times I have used the "ask" option and been successful. Usually it's because they've overhead me say, "God damn, janitor" or something.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

TurdyTreeAnaTurd's picture
l 100+ points
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AB2K, I had a tough time choosing between option 5 and option 3. I chose 5 in this case because the scenario allowed for it. But my socks used to get used regularly when I'd go fishing. The thing about fishing is that I would always be waking up a few hours earlier than normal, so my system would be thrown off and the morning dump was nowhere to be found before leaving home. As we neared the lake and started to get excited about fishing, the urge would always hit. Most of my fishing was done back in the 70's and 80's, when the socks that we wore were the long white tube socks with 3 stripes at the top. They were great for wiping. Sometimes you would only need one. My friends would lose control when I'd emerge from behind the tree with one sock on. But, the funniest part of it all was that we fished in a cove on a lake where my uncle had a house. In the middle of summer, when the water level would be very low, you could see a bunch of my tube socks along the shore. You didn't think that I took them back home with me, did you? We were never smart enough to start taking toilet paper with us.

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I've done the stall neighbor request most often and voted for that option. Once (and I posted this on the Forums), I even asked a guy three stalls away to go bowling with an extra roll and send it my way. It worked. I caught it. It didn't unravel, and everyone was happy.

Oh, the creativity of the Shameless!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Cracktacular's picture
l 100+ points
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Personally, I'd make a run for it. There's something about that idea of booking it for the next stall that makes me laugh and pumps me up all at the same time. Ideally, one would never be put in this situation.

Always check the inventory before you open the store for business.

Crack kills

juiop's picture
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I would not go into a stall with the intention of pooping unless there were toilet paper in it. If the toilet was the only toilet in the bathroom (which is often the case), and it had no wipes, I would take some paper towels in with me, some of them wet (because they are rough and sometimes cause bleeding). If there were no toilet paper or paper towels in this single-stalled bathroom, I would go with the sock/underwear trick.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Yes, when I normally have to go I will check the stall for toilet paper before I go in. However, when there is a line about seven miles long you and you really have to go, you use the bathroom stall that is offered. Also, sometimes when diarrhea is imminent toilet paper checking is not really on your mind until after the explosion. This is where you insert your choice of expletive and use whatever method is handy. (I suppose the long line leaves option five out.)

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

PINWORM's picture
l 100+ points
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I would also add this option: Use the paper towels!

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I usually have a hanky or napkins in my back pocket. They have come in handy before. I've also used the cardboard, reciepts from my wallet, and newspaper. I usually read on the can, so that helps. I once tore out some blank pages from a paper back, and used those. Walking around with an unwiped stankhole is not an option. I can't believe that 15 people have voted that way already.

SamDamnit!
Rectum Rector
of
The Church of Poop
http://www.myspace.com/saintcarnivean

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points
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Ya, I always use the paper towels if available.

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

juiop's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Unfortunately, I have not had the experience of butt-wrenching diarrhea as of yet (that I cannot control). I have quite good, firm stools (the overwhelming majority of the time), and I can keep them in until there is a toilet with butt wipe available. If there are no stalls with toilet paper, I can hold until later. Hence, my previous statement.

juiop: a juicy poop

____________________
warm brown fuzzies

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points
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I usually check the stall for TP before I decided to go in. If the only stall available has no TP then I go for the paper towels.

If there are no paper towels (some places only have the air hand dryers), I'd have no choice but to ask a stall neighbor.
Since the paper towel option wasn't there, I voted for asking the person next to me.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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AB2K, I couldn't vote in this poll, because, once again agreeing with Crack, I "[a]lways check the inventory before [I] open the store for business." As I have said before: Shit before you leave home.

However, there is always the additional option of the $1 bills in your wallet. Figure that you will pay more than a couple of bucks for the socks/underwear that you are sacrificing, not to mention the aggravation of having to go sockless/commando until you get home.

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Shitting on and flushing money is illegal. I will pretend that you did not say that.

SamDamnit!
Rectum Rector
of
The Church of Poop
http://www.myspace.com/saintcarnivean

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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What U.S. Code section does that violate, Mr. President? I know a guy that used his tax return for toilet paper and then sent it in. The IRS said they just laminated it and processed it anyway.

Besides, what if I made the money myself? I mean, like, this morning? In the basement?

TurdyTreeAnaTurd's picture
l 100+ points
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that would be form 1040-2

AssBlaster2000's picture
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Dumpster: what if you just hit up the ATM and you only have fresh, stiff 20's in your wallet? Surely you wouldn't sacrifice a 20! Or if you're like me and you have no cash in your wallet, because you only use check cards? (Or because you're broke. Whatever.)

A dude at work tonight related the story of when he was a kid he was doing his homework on the toilet (?) and crumpled a sheet of notebook paper until it became soft and used that. I suppose that's another option.

I believe it IS illegal to deface money in that fashion, anyway. Pooping on money and flushing it would render it unable to be circulated again.

TurdyTreeAnaTurd's picture
l 100+ points
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Yeah, i've pi$$ed away a lot of money before but...

TurdyTreeAnaTurd's picture
l 100+ points
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And as we move towards a cashless society, we'll have to s"wipe" our credit cards eventually.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Besides, do you realize how many different germs are on a 1 dollar bill. Yuck! You could end up with butt herpes or something!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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Just kidding about defacing Father Washington, folks! I once had a divorce client whose husband literally set fire to a wheelbarrow full of cash, just to keep my client from getting it. However, we were able to forensically document the serial numbers of most of the bills, so the Treasury actually replaced them for us. And Hubby did some time on Federal probation.

The moral: Use your hand!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Talk about a nasty divorce!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Poop Shooter's picture
k 500+ points
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I'm baffeled at the amount of people that are against quing your fingers to wipe in case of emergency. Almost all bathrooms have a sink and soap to wash your hands with. I mean, it's only poop!

Have a Crappy Day!! Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

Pantsdown Pete's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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How about this one, shameless brethren? Never mind waiting for an empty restroom, just open the stall door with your pants down ( or semi down ) and go and get some paper or paper towels. That's proof of shamelessness if anything is. I'll admit I've never tried it, but I'll bet one of you guys has.

Pantsdown Pete

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Poop Shooter, I am against using my fingers to wipe because soap (especially liquid soap) and water don't always get the poop off. I have gotten poop on my hands a few times and tried all day to get that smell off and nothing works. Poop is nasty about getting into all the little cracks in your fingers and hands.

Pantsdown Pete, I have actually done that. Is this the reason for your name? It seems appropriate for you to bring it up! :-)

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Poop Shooter's picture
k 500+ points
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I'de still rather have poop on my hands for awhile than poop in my crack. I've heard it get's kinda itchy after awhile when you don't wipe.

You got some seriouslly stanky poop if you can't wash it off your hands. May I suggest a wire bristled brush in your lavatory in the case you need to do some severe scrubbing!!


_______
Have a Crappy Day!! Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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Did anyone suggest, yet, that you use some seat covers? Not really comfy, no, but I've used them several times in a pinch.

AssBlaster2000's picture
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Ah, crap. I have used ass-gaskets myself. They work surprisingly well. Dammit, that would have been a really good option, but I forgot all about it.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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I also use the gaskets when they ONLY have those horrible hot-air-blower-thingys. (I HATE those!) A handful of gaskets works great as a paper towel, and to get the door open. You should see people's faces in the TB when I throw away a wad of gaskets in the dining room trash! Heh, heh. :)

La Petomaine's picture
l 100+ points
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#1 best idea: Checking to make sure the stall you're entering has paper.
#2 good idea: Waiting till the bathroom has cleared and go to another stall.
#3 winner: Asking your neighbor to pass a wad of TP to you.
In the event that ALL the stalls were bereft of TP, I have grabbed paper towels and stuffed them into the tampon disposal bin after cleaning up with them. Also I generally have a couple tissues or napkins in my purse.

_______
Have a crappy day!
La Petomaine

Have a crappy day!
La Petomaine

Alexandra Marie's picture
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I've known girls who would make chronic mistakes such as locking their keys in their car, taking their shoes off in hot weather on a park bench and then walking off and forgetting them, boarding the Metro and getting so involved in reading the Post that they would miss their stop! I must admit that the headline for this discussion is ready made for me!
Several times in recent months I've had to quickly seek out a public toilet and after taking care of business, I've found that I've ignored acquiring what my best friend calls "the tools with whicch to complete the job". I've moved to the Washington, D.C. area where I'm working on a graduate degree in public administration plus interning at a regulatory agency. Because I have 15 hour days and need to call on the offices of members of Congress quite frequently, rarely do I use the bathroom at the apartment I share with three roommates.
On one occasion last month, I had to wait 20 minutes in line to take a crap at the Smithsonian's Museum of Natural History. I was five days late so it was a complete evacuation. When I looked to my left to grab the toilet paper, the roll and even the cylinder had been stolen. There was one square of toilet paper near the back of the stool that a previous user had probably used as a seat protector and I used it to the max! My friend, who chose to pee without the use of toilet paper in her stall, learned of my plight from the adjacent stall and she volunteered to go the one of the basement restrooms and bring me more toilet paper--which she did although a couple of teenage girls were pretty profane about the amount of time I was taking on the stool.
Earlier this fall I was assigned to meet a member of Congess one morning at a meeting at the J.W. Marriott. I arrived earlier than necessary and so did my BM. All the toilets were sparkling clean, with mine I think I was the first to use it because the seat was up. After a very satisfying elimination, I grabbed for the toilet paper roll, only to find cardboard, which someone had already partially dismantled--probably out of anger. Since it was just after 6 am. and I didn't hear anyone else in the restroom, I pulled up my panties and adjusted my suit and methodically visited each of about 15 stalls--none of which had any toilet paper! I got to thinking about how custodians in such nice venues typically sign-off hourly on restroom logs which are posted on the main door. YES THERE WAS ONE and actually a couple of extra sheets of paper behind it. I quickly grabbed the three sheets and barricaded myself in the first stall where I sat down and utilized the documents to the maximum. A few minutes later, while waiting for an elevator to the convention center, a door opened with two restroom matrons, each with a cart of probably four or five dozen rolls of toilet paper! If only my bowels could have waited.
When I was telling one of my roommates about the experience, she reminded me that eight years ago when we were in high school, we sometimes would have to use our hall passes for emergency wiping. She claims she stole a whole book of them from a teacher's desk and used them for emergencies. He never asked for her return of the completed pass!

Leah's picture
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Great story, Alexandra. I feel for you. I remember too back in high school ('84) being in the delemma you described, but I never stopped to think about using that little yellow hall pass. It was really of no use, otherwise, because we were never stopped as we were going to or leaving the bathroom. The pass sure would have saved me some stains in my underwear and I do remember several times being caught with my panties down and no or insufficient paper to wipe with.

However, the difference between high school and college and later my adult life (I sale time for a group of radio stations and I'm using public bathrooms almost daily)is that I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO SIT ON AN UNCOVERED PUBLIC TOILET SEAT, even the ones on some of the nicer executive office buildings I visit. That guarantees that I won't be caught in a situation(s) such as you described. I have taught my two sons--both of whom are in high school--to do the same. My youngest, a 15-year-old freshman, at least once a week comes right home from school and heads to the bathroom. He simply will not crap at school due to stalls that have no door, the frequent lack of toilet paper to cover the seat with, and what he feels most strongly about--the large amount of urine boys splash on the seats because they are to lazy to lift them or wait their turn at the urinals.

I'm curious, Alexandra, except in a actual emergency, as to why you choose to continually sit directly on public toilet seats. UUUrrrggghh!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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What is nastier, sitting on a toilet seat without a ass gasket (which i do all the time), or oral sex??

Undereducated's picture
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I only have one college degree (and 4 years was enough), but my roommate was an MBA student who was very driven and near billiant. She, however, had a hard time with some of the simple things and when I read Alexandra Marie's posting I think about Emily. I walked into our dorm room once and Emily was drying herself off: she had sat down for the toilet and forgot to put the seat down. (My boyfriend had stopped by that morning and she had forgot to check it!). We were in adjacent stalls at a Dodgers game and she did the same thing! On another occasion, she offered to treat me to a ticket to one of KISS' comeback concerts and when we arrived at the arena, we both thought it would be a good opportunity to go in an pee before we got our seats. I let her go in first and while she was peeing I simply asked her what our row was. While on the stool, she immediately opened her purse and when trying to put the tickets under a better light, dropped them between her legs and into the stool. She did, however, quickly fish them out and we used the hand dryer multiple times on them. Like many in our college community, we rode bicycles around town. One weekend we rode about 10 miles to a nearby town for lunch. We stopped in a park to use the bathroom. Emily had a head start on me because I was looking at my map. A couple of minutes later when I was nearing the door of the ladies room I heard a startling shriek and Emily came running out of the mens room. She had forgotten to look at the sign and surprised a man crapping in an open stall. Emily has a Ph D now and a college research and teaching position but I remember when life skills were somewhat challenging for her. What will happen to Alexandra Marie?

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I took a shit at a large Interstate rest stop last summer. When I went to wipe, I found there was no toilet paper. Since there was nobody else who I heard in the restroom, I simply went to the stall on my right and just when I was about to sit down to wipe, I noticed a liberal amount of shit on each of the two front corners of the seat. I guess I just don't have any luck with my choices. It looked like somebody raked their ass over the front of the seat in order to wipe. GROSS! Because the seat was black and the stall was only dimly lit, I almost didn't notice it. Such selfish, immature and screwed up individuals should not be around us normal people. EVER!

Mindy's picture
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I had a boyfriend back when I was in high school who bragged about doing what AC did--deliberately used the front of the toilet seat to wipe himself with. I thought it was gross then and I think it's equally gross now! First, I would NEVER want to put the corner of a public toilet seat in my butt and then twist and turn myself to wipe on it! That is just so bizarre and unclean. Second, how do you know that the next person using that won't be grossed out by it because they could be a very young child or elderly person. Third, only a real dummie would sit on a public toilet anyway without putting toilet paper down. I've been doing that since about 8th grade and my elementary school son and daughter have been taught to do that too when in public places. By the way, my boyfriend and I broke up a few days after the incident. He was an immature jerk then and I think he will always remain as such. I just wish we had ways with cameras or other devices to catch those who deliberately abuse public restrooms and thereby inconvenience and jeopardize others. Assigning latrine cleaning duty, like in the days of the old Army, would be a start. Such deliberate and reckless acts need to be prosecuted. By the way, Josh and I broke up about two weeks after the incident. Even thinking about it after all these years still grosses me out!

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points
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Somehow some way I would run bare assed to an empty stall and get some toilet paper but I make an effort to scout the place out before placing my ass on a road toilet.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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I just grab a stray cat....

(couldn't hold it back any longer Daphne, it had to come out)

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Fleas on BP's Ass Crack's picture
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Well, how else did we get here?

Michaela's picture
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I guess I was raised like Alexandra Marie--when you gotta go, you gotta go and the best way to do it is to just sit down and go. Sure, there are times when I've gotten done and found there is no toilet paper. First, I look around the stall ever so carefully. Once last month I found a coupon for a dry cleaner on the floor. On another occasion, I found the package for a Bic pen from which the pen had been taken. It was a little rough, but it did the job. Secondly, I will pull up my pants or dress and walk to other open stalls in search of toilet paper. Then I sit down and thoroughly wipe. Once last summer while at a truck stop, I found the door was ajar to the employees' bathroom and I went in and wiped there. I've occasionally used the brown hand towels from the dispenser by the sinks. Third, while taking a shit in my college library last summer, I simply pulled up my jeans and went up to the second floor bathroom where all the stalls were in use. I did notice on the floor, however, a bookmark showing library hours and web searching information. I went back downstairs and completed the task to the best of my ability. For those of us who value speed of use over checking all our options out before sitting down, creativity becomes important. That's when I rise to the occasion!

Alert Allison's picture
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Reading the postings of Michaela and Alexandra Marie--I find them laughable! What kind of morons, especially those with college educations and high-level jobs, would sit down on a bare public toilet seat, especially those in a large venue, admit they were that stupid and then brag about being "creative" and coming up with the "tools with which to do the job." Since I would NEVER sit directly on a public toilet seat without putting paper down FIRST, I would notice the lack of paper and then 'hold it'until I got into a more sanitary situation or I got home. I've prevented several embarrassing situations by checking for toilet paper first. I could see unsupervised young kids make the mistake not to check first, but adults SHOULD KNOW BETTER! To me, sitting down on public toilet seats is gross and something I've always felt was limited to the dregs and ciphers of society. Be alert to what you're sitting in. And if you're dumb enough to make "mistakes" and brag about making them, well you deserve every bit of what you're sitting in!

Cypher's picture
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I agree with Alert Allison. Posts like those of Alexandra Marie, Mindy and the incident inolving Emily never cease to amaze me about how dumb and outright gross adults or young adults can be. What can be on Alexandra's mind when she continually sits down on public toilet seats in Washington, D.C. without at least wiping the seat off (Hint: if there's no toilet paper, than you probably shouldn't be using the stall--and you won't learn that in your graduate school classes!) first.
Rational people react differently in various situations. Not all people who sit directly on public toilets are "cyphers or dregs" like Alert Allison claims. They have been taught differently by their parents and friends and in some cases they just may be too lazy to squat so they don't have to have contact with the seat. Bragging about stupid mistakes made--especially by those with higher levels of education and upper social levels just doesn't add up.

turdfan's picture
l 100+ points
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Have y'all ever heard the joke about the guy in the public restroom? He asks the guy in the adjacent stall if he has some TP he can give him, and the other guy tells him that there is none in his stall either. Then the first guy says to the other guy "excuse me again, but do you have change for a twenty?"

Naomi's picture
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Alexandra Marie's situation mirrors some of those that I have been in. Like her, I believe it's important to sit down and go and that it's totally foolish to attempt to "hold it" until you get to a cleaner place or worse yet, until you get home. Although I'm a college graduate (economics) I don't always remember to check for toilet paper first so sometimes I do get a "surprise". My feeling is that those like Alexandra and myself are not to blame, but rather it's the none-caring idiots who steal the rolls for whatever reason or who will use a large part of the roll for paper to sit on. It's such a waste to cover the seat and only means that future users will be inconvenienced. While I don't like sitting in another person's urine, I do shower daily and I let the water and soap carry away the God-awful germs that freak-out too many of us women. Instead of putting Alexandra and some of the other contributors down, try (in the words of an older country song) walkin' a mile in their shoes.

SHIT BREAK's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS check before squatting!
In case of EXTREME emergency, socks go first.