You have to shit BAD. Here are your choices. You crap in

// 76 Comments
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76 Comments on "You have to shit BAD. Here are your choices. You crap in"

Olivia's picture
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I would dig a hole to go into.

3flusher's picture
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_When I have to go Bad...it's Now, not two minutes from now!______
3flusher

3flusher

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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In the Manichaean world of AB2K, there are no easy choices. "Out in the open." Bleak.

_______
"Say, has anybody seen my sweet Gypsy Rose Volcano?"

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points
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I picked the first one through process of elimination (no pun intended).

I don't enter porta-pottys EVER, I must have TP, puke is grosser that shit sometimes, and I ain't digging no fucking hole!!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Alright, the creepy restroom gets my pick. It's "dirty", but there was no mention of crap and puke all over the place. Plus, if I dug a hole in the ground and crapped some Austin cop might come by and arrest me for soliciting prostitution.

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Broccoli!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Poop Shooter's picture
k 500+ points
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I would vote for the clean stall w/o tp. A clean seat is worth much more than a dirty seat. I could always wipe with underwear or napkins or a sock.

2nd choice would be outside under a tree or behind bushes in public, which would be a close tie with pooping in a McDonalds bag in my car. I wish that would have been an option.


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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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I went with the Port-O-Let, b/c it said there was crap IN it...not ON it. I'm presuming the bottom-bracer is fairly undefiled.

Although, PS is right; I forgot about socks. I'd like to change my vote.....can I please have a dimpled chad on "portapotty"?

Bunghole In the Jungle's picture
l 100+ points
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I chose #3. Ever the girl scout, I carry wipes when I know I'll be out for more than a couple of hours and might need to use public facilities....

keeping the whack in tally-ho...
Fartuituos!
Serenshittipy!

log_blogger's picture
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I went with the dirty creepy restroom, because other than that, it sounded fine. But If it have to shit BAD, you left out just shitting in my pants. Seems like I doo that on a regular basis.
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www.mydailypoop.com

www.mydailypoop.com

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points
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I voted for the creepy dirty restroom. TP makes a decent seat liner.

Poop Shooter's picture
k 500+ points
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Log Blogger, have you considered wearing Depends?? I think you may need them if your into shitting your pants that often.


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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

Rat Droppings's picture
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Poop Shooter said "...pooping in a McDonalds bag in my car. I wish that would have been an option."
I couldn't agree with you more.


_______
"Those who write on shithouse walls, roll their shit into little balls. Those who read their words of wit, eat those little balls of shit." Author Unknown

"Rectum hell, killed em' both." Author Unknown

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points
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I put the port o crapper. I like to be able to shit and not worry about clogging it up.

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

Chuck's picture
l 100+ points
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Forget the hole, if hurting badly enough I will drop trou in the open or roadside. A tree or downslope may provide some cover. If not, when you gotta go... . I keep some fast food napkins in my glove box for emergencies like this.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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KOC, I have chosen the overloaded porto-potty myself once. It was the only thing available and I REALLY had to piss. The thing had a mountain of shit almost to the toilet seat, the temperature was about ninety degrees, and there were maggots crawling in it. Still, when you gotta go...

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Broccoli!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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TSV, sure you can't conjure up a story out of that one? I was planning to serve spaghetti for supper, but now I think I'm going to have to change the menu.

_______
"Say, has anybody seen my sweet Gypsy Rose Volcano?"

The Big Wiper's picture
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The comfy single stall with no TP might be the best alternative because who's to say there might not be paper towels in the paper towel dispenser that a pooper could work with.

I would have chosen the bathroom with all the stalls occupied except one had it not been for the description: dirty. I just won't use a dirty bathroom.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points
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TBW, I actually prefer paper towels because they clear out more. I still stand by my port-o-crapper choice; I always clog up toilets.

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

AssBlaster2000's picture
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TBW: In the comfy stall option I specified "nothing resembling TP." Paper towels resemble TP. What I would have said with more space was "There are no paper products in sight, and you have to improvise on your own if you want to wipe."

This is the first poll I ever made where I couldn't vote on it. It probably took me an hour to decide which one I would choose and I made up the fucking options. In the end I chose the middle one because I would rather rely on my own ingenuity than risk getting my ass near someone else's crap. I was going to choose the first one because I don't care about the occupied stalls, but ass comfort won me over in the end.

If I really WERE in the 3rd situation, I'd either use receipts and stuff from my purse, hold my shit in just a little longer and scavenge for napkins or something, or pull out the phone, call Mr. Blaster, and tell him I was in a TP emergency and I needed some asswipe.

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points
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AB, you make a good point. Paper towlels doo resemble TP. So I still stand by the port-o-shitter.

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

Rat Droppings's picture
l 100+ points
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KOC, you say you always clog up toilets. Do you put the paper towels you wipe with in the toilet? Because that by itself would clog the toilet. I assume you put them into the bathroom trash can after wiping. Just curious about your plumbing.


_______
"Those who write on shithouse walls, roll their shit into little balls. Those who read their words of wit, eat those little balls of shit." Author Unknown

"Rectum hell, killed em' both." Author Unknown

Cracktacular's picture
l 100+ points
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I hesitantly chose this port-a-pooper. I don't have to touch anything except for the toilet paper and the door.

Crack kills

log_blogger's picture
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PS, I did consider depends last week. A wave of diarrhea swept through the household attacking my 3-year-old first and hardest. (Oh the laundry!) Then me and then my wife. But, I'm just not ready for the commitment for Depends. Although, I am ready for the humor of Depends. My favorite SNL fake commercial was for "Oops I Crapped My Pants" Brand diapers. *grin*
_______
www.mydailypoop.com

www.mydailypoop.com

freddy krueger 16's picture
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The grungy public restroom and the porta potty are germ infested, so I would simply dig a hole in the ground and go behind the bushes. Uninspired, I know, but it works.


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fred kruega!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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at least you can hover in semi privacy in the creepy shitter stall

Toilet Expert's picture
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I'd use the big dirty public restroom. As long as there's TP, I don't care where I shit. Also, you can use TP to limit what you're touching if it's really dirty.

Agent X's picture
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why dig a hole?? just hang it out on the grass

Anonymous Conservative's picture
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I'd be happy with options 1 or 2. I wouldn't take option 3 unless I happened to be carrying a pack of tissues with me, which I often do. Option 5 would only be taken when absolutely necessary (e.g. camping).

Option 4: never, ever. (I have very good bowel control, so I would just hold it in. IIRC, I have never been in a situation where I had to go to the toilet or risk immediately shitting myself. That just doesn't happen to me.)

shitake boy's picture
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I would go with options 1 or 3. I may use option 2 if I had no other choice. Fortunately for me, I have never been in this shituation as of yet. I have always managed to find a decent shitter with plentiful TP. Most of the time when this happens, I am in a store, on the road, or in the mall, where my options are always better that all of the above.

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In search of the ever evasive BM

In search of the ever evasive BM

prarie doggin's picture
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You can always tell a good place to eat by the amount of people in it. Likewise a good place to shit will have a lot of shit in it. I chose the Porta Potty.

MSG's picture
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I would not go anywhere near a toilet on which someone had vomited. Out in the woods I would not have anything with which to dig a hole, so I would poop in a secluded spot but right on the ground. Aside from that, I could do any of the rest and have done most of them.

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points
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Anyone got a backhoe? I would definitely dig a hole. I would choose a nice clean comfy shitter first even without TP. I would just have to shower later thats all. But in a battle shituation just dig me a hole hell you dont even have to do that I will just shit on the ground and blame it on some dog.
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

prarie doggin's picture
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A backhoe? You need a hole that big?? I'm jealous.

phatmanxxl's picture
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The neglected porto-potty on a hot summer day! I always like to contribute to the poo moutain inside.

I never forget the day I shit in a cinder block by the railroad tracks one day, there was no toilet for miles. I shit a brick in a brick.

massive terd leaver's picture
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i would shit anywhere exept if puke was present because i would add to the puke also no tp what are socks for.A WISE MAN ONCE SAID SHIT HAPPENS

PoopDolly's picture
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At Glastonbury festival they have 3 grades of toilet:
1) Portaloo
2) Sh*tty Portaloo, covered in sh*t - bring your own paper
3) Hole in ground
The most common toilet is obviously 3 cos it's the cheapest, they have dug the biggest pit i have ever seen in the ground and just covered it with plywood. You have to poop hovering over a huge hole which looks down onto the BIGGEST heap of dung, toilet paper and flies you have ever seen. The point of my story is... a couple of years back... a girl FELL IN THE HOLE...
She will never choose option 5 again.

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Keep on Poopin'/Poppin' (delete as appropriate)

Keep on Poopin'/Poppin' (delete as appropriate)

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Uh...Dolly, you list 3 options, yet the poor gal chose option 5, which evidently is "Dive in"...I'm only a little hesitant to ask what missing option 4 was. Perhaps its the "Attempt to dive in, but fat ass won't fit through the hole" option, known in Iowa as the Bob Schoff Maneuver.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
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Bilge, #4 was the foward two and a half gainer, with a 2.5 degree of difficulty. Number 5 was a good ole hillbilly cannonball.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points
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Given those choices, I might just shit my pants.

OhDeToilet's picture
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I'd pick #3, no questions. I've always got my own purse pack of tissues. Even the crowded restroom one isn't so bad. I mean, if you're REALLY that concerned with germs, there's always those little bitty travel sized lysol sprays or wipes.

PoopDolly's picture
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Bilge, I meant the girl who fell in the sh*t hole would never take option 5 from this poll again!! - I.e a hole in the ground. Admittedly she didn't dig it herself,nor did she do it hastily for that matter, but hey, gimme a break. The girl fell in the shit hole. They had to get a crane in to get her out! They didn't think to put a ladder down there. So she spent a good hour down there, wading amongst the shit. Yikes.
Anyway, hope that clears it up!
_______
Keep on Poopin'/Poppin' (delete as appropriate)

Keep on Poopin'/Poppin' (delete as appropriate)

prarie doggin's picture
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Mr. Postman, I'm surprised at you. In your pants! Don't you remember your oath? Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift elimination of their pointed mounds.

sittingpretty's picture
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I pick the clean comfy stall with no tp. I always carry a roll of tp and a roll of paper towels in my car. I keep wipes and tissue(sometimes) in my purse and I keep my "diaper" bag with wipes and plastic grocery bag for the used wipes in my trunk. I don't wear diapers but when I'm at a friend's house I don't leave my used wipes in their trash can. I disgard them at home.

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Dolly, I went back and re-read the poll, and understood immediately what you were saying, but felt too stupid and full of hubris to edit my post to reflect such...besides, It would have ruined my "Schoff" joke.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points
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I'd probably take the dirty creepy public shitter. Misery loves company. I'd have everyone in there wondering who let the logs out! *woof woof woof woof!*

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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hey, what happened to da pant shitting option? Dat's da one u should go 4. I do. Some nights i shit my pants and clear up and go to bed. no one i know knows bout dis.

awwshit's picture
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I doubt by the time you dig the hole you would still need it

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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If needed, a dump on the ground and then a cover on the crap ala litter box style.

Seann Odoms's picture
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DUMPING AT POP FESTIVALS!

There is another option! Chemical Ali's portaloos are not it! Neither is digging a hole! How many shitholes will there be after 100,000 giggers digging for 5 days or more? The farm will be one huge poopfield!

Sod it! I have suffered from incontinence in my time. So I wore ADULT NAPPIES/DIAPERS for 4 days of Glastonbury 2008 and will do for 6 days of 2009. Pee is easy, one pad holds a good 3-4 pints! Alas poo has an odour problem. BUT; they make adult plastic pants too, ok? That masks 95% of the smell till you get back to your tent. It's your own pee and poo; it can't kill you! We have a small ancillary tent that, used for changing, will keep the main tent fresh. The used nappies go in perfumed nappy-sacks (Boots plc).

No more diseased trips to the latrines from hell!
No more missing any part of your gig!

But what if someone finds out, notices? Come on, if you have mature self-confidence what do other people's image hangups mean? To me it's not a fetish. Having said that, I'd love to see Lily Allen wear one on stage this year! Did Jordan wear one for the London Marathon, as threatened?

PMPL (literally)!

When I got home, I avoided missing all those goals for a pee/poo by sometimes using nappies during football matches on TV. It also protects against losing the plot in complex films too. Shopping? No need for discomfort on buses or in unserviced stores.

It would just be a bit expensive wearing them all the time, that's all, I would say about £16-20 ($25-30) a week. Otherwise..... who knows!

Stay well, stay nappied! LMAO!

urmammas frind's picture
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This is a weird site. I would poop in a toilette, DUH