In my youth, I used to make up words to songs that were popular at the time. I usually replaced quite a few words with "shit" and "piss", because I thought it was funny and it made my friends laugh. Well, I haven't done that in a long time -- until today.
Because today my sick ass is stuck close to a toilet. I ate pepperoni pizza last night; and ever since I had my gallbladder out, pepperoni gives me the shits. But my dumb ass loves pepperoni, so you can guess the rest.
So since I'm stuck on the toilet shitting my brains out, I wrote this little ditty.
A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How that pizza used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could unzip my pants
And eat and eat and eat for a while.
But October made me shiver
With every crap I'd deliver
Bad cramps on the doorstep
I couldn't take one more step.
I can't remember if I cried
When I realized that I couldn't hide
But something was rumbling deep inside
The day the toilet cried.
So bye, bye, Miss American Browneye
Sat and moaned on the throne
Stretched my rectum real wide
That good ol' pot was taking all that I got
Singin', "This'll be the day that I die."
"This'll be the day that I die."
I dropped what I had in hand
Fumbled with my keys and couldn't stand
Tried the door but it was locked
But I knew this poo couldn't stay blocked
Can you help me reach the bowl?
As I try to do the poop walk real slow?
Well, I was cursing him
'cause he pissed on the rim
You kids take off your shoes
Go sit and watch some Blue's Clues
I was a mom who was silently screaming "Fuck!"
With a pack of kids, here I am stuck
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the toilet died.
I started singin',
"Bye, bye, Miss American Browneye."
Sat and moaned on the throne
Stretched my rectum real wide
That good ol' pot was takin' all that I got
And singin', "This'll be the day that I die."
"This'll be the day that I die."
Now for ten minutes I've been alone
And no one's called on the phone
But that's not how it used to be.
When the kids were young I had to be seen
On my throne fit for a queen
And they had to stand and talk to me
Oh how they liked to come and sit down
But then they all would frown
The bathroom was adjourned;
No children could be returned.
And while I tried to drink my can of Barq's,
The kids wanted to go to the park,
But I'd be on the toilet ‘til way after dark
The day the toilet died.
I was singing,
"Bye, bye, Miss American Browneye."
Sat and moaned on the throne
Stretched my rectum real wide
That good ole pot was takin' all that I got
And singin', "This'll be the day that I die."
"This'll be the day that I die."
I felt like going Helter Skelter.
There was no place to take shelter,
Running back down the hall fast.
Trying to keep a squeeze on my ass.
I thought there is no way this is just gas,
Don't want to take a chance, this shart won't pass.
Now I dream of some sweet perfume
While I try to not act like a total loon.
I was doing the poopy dance,
Oh, I'm glad I didn't take a chance!
'Cause that shit shot out like it was dealed;
The toilet, then, refused to yield.
Do you recall what the hell you ate that was fried?
The day the toilet died.
I started singing,
"Bye, bye, Miss American Browneye."
Sat and moaned on the throne
Stretched my rectum real wide
That good ole pot was takin' all that I got
And singin', "This'll be the day that I die."
"This'll be the day that I die."
Oh, and as I sat there froze in place,
I wondered where I had the space
To store all the shit that came from me.
So come on now, ass, make this quick!
I've got to do pick-up, got no time to be sick
'Cause I don't want Imodium to be my only friend.
Oh, as I sat and tried to turn a page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No way in fucking hell
How could I fall under the pizza's spell?!?
And as the shit piled high that night
I felt that it was my rite,
To feel a bit of joy and delight
The day the toilet died
I was singing,
"Bye, bye, Miss American Browneye."
Sat and moaned on the throne
Stretched my rectum real wide
That good ole pot was takin' all that I got
And singin', "This'll be the day that I die."
"This'll be the day that I die."
At first I sat and sang the blues
Sat and wished for some happy news,
But then I just smiled and turned away.
I could share my poopy lore
On a site I'd seen before,
Now I just have to wait for Dave to say, "Come and play."
And in my house: the children screamed,
But I just sat, shitted, and dreamed.
About the song which I have spoken;
Man I hope this toilet isn't broken.
And the three turds I crap out the most:
The grogan, splatter, and the poopy ghost,
They took the last flush to the coast
The day the toilet died.
And I was singing,
"Bye, bye, Miss American Browneye."
Sat and moaned on the throne
Stretched my rectum real wide
That good ole pot was takin' all that I got
And singin', "This'll be the day that I die."
"This'll be the day that I die."
I was singing,
"Bye, bye, Miss American Browneye."
Sat and moaned on the throne
Stretched my rectum real wide
That good ole pot was takin' all that I got
And singin', "This'll be the day that I die."
"This'll be the day that I die."
