I'm not feeling it.

SamDamnit!
Rectum Rector
of
The Church of Poop
http://www.myspace.com/saintcarnivean

I liked this one. So many ponderings. clever.

"Will you tell all your friends -- or are they just not the type?"

I've pondered that many a time.

Di, don't forget, some of your friends think you have a poop fetish already. Better just stick with your friends on here for now.

Better than that last crappy poem but only marginally. The subject matter doesn't lend itself to elegant prose (such as my own)

I believe that this fine work eloquently brings to light many of the fears, trepidations and expectations we have for our poop. I thank you, Mr. Butters, for holding up a mirror to my ass so it can mature into the fine crap factory it is meant to be.

At first I thought this poem was in 9.11.11.9 meter (although it gets considerably off that at times). But upon a third and fourth reading, I have discovered that EB is much, much more subtle than that. With just a bit of strain (ha-ha), you can put it to 10.11.10.11 meter. According to www.cyberhymnal.org, the only tune that this really fits with is a song commonly known as "A Child of the King." I think EB has tossed us a very, very subtle poetical/metrical pun, although the roughness of the meter is peculiarly appropriate to the offbeat nature of the poem.

Maybe SamDaminit can cite us some tunes from the Hymnal of the Church of Poop to which this could be sung.

In the meanwhile, EB, this is too subtle for me. How about some more crude limericks?

However, if you massage the meter in a slightly different way, you can kind of sing it to "God of Our Fathers." EB, how long did you stay awake over this one?

Thanks guys, especially Dumpster for picking up on the underlying subtelties of the piece. It was actually meant as you thought; the metre was slightly off-skew at certain points as the poem itself wasn't meant to be 100% formulaic and detailing a pretty offbeat subject. I didn't think about putting it to song, but thanks for your recommendations! Sam I think would be unwilling to put it to a hymn owing to his lack of interest in this effort!

Nevertheless, I enjoyed writing this one. I'm sorry SamDam didn't appreciate it - that's the way it goes I guess. C Everett - I think we have contrasting styles of writing and appreciation, which is fine, poems will never be universally acclaimed or otherwise; that's the beauty of them as an artform IMO - different appeal to different audiences.

Back to Dumpster - my poems don't take long to write - this took about an hour (just over in fact - concocted during a lunch break).

And I'm happy to resort to some more crudeness if you like, so with out further ado:

"A cheery young golfer named Crock
Gave his tee shot a hundred yard sock.
This doesn't sound far
For a bloke who shoots par
But twas done with the end of his cock."

Speak soon

EB

Ah, shit, EB; I hate it when you doo this, because then I have to "sit down" and compose a quick ex tempore butt blast:

The cock of a Rooster named Prick,
Was so very, incredibly, thick,
That when he sat down
To make Mr. Brown,
It stopped up the bowl, ultra-quick.

(I see this may mean war. I will try to give some more advance thought to the next salvo.)

Haha no problems, a good blast of the brown wordage indeed!

By way of retort, could I add:

“The arse of a chap called Ignatius
Was both poignantly large and a-spacious.
As a man of few words,
He would talk through his turds
Which neither was subtle nor gracious.”

Apologies, that was off the cuff in a very short space of time!

Our friend Benedict XVI
Must delight in a really good stink.
What's behind that big smile
Is a really wide aisle
To the "Throne of St. Peter," I think.

Elliot, no matter what you do you can't please everyone so don't worry about it. The golf and Ignacious Limerick were beauties, keep going, eventually one of these poems will strike a chord with us neophytes.

A certain old PR named bunga
Can make excrement really humonga.
But he's so abstruse
Due to subtance abuse
That he don't know his piss from his dunga.

I am feeling the lymericks. Perhaps my tastes are too base for the finer things in life.

SamDamnit!
Rectum Rector
of
The Church of Poop
http://www.myspace.com/saintcarnivean

SamDamnit!
Rectum Rector
of
The Church of Poop
http://www.myspace.com/saintcarnivean

Sam, did your second sermon contain some point not made in your first one? Also, as a TRUE Pastor of Poop, it cannot be possible that your tastes are just too fine for the baser things in life, is it?

"A weary old lecher named Watt
Took a whore on his twenty foot yacht.
Too lazy to rape her
He made darts out of paper
Which he leisurely tossed at her slot"

Sam - thanks dude - I klnow this is the case and I'm not offended. It's most important that you enjoy your creations, which I do, so that's the most important thing IMO!

"A gentleman called Jacques from France
Had a curiously awkward poo stance.
Instead of sitting to shit
He's stand up a bit
And leave his water-bound log flumes to chance."

I'm acquainted with Elliot Butters,
Whose asshole both stammers and stutters,
But once in awhile
He writes something with style,
Which gives me the sphincteral flutters!

When squirting a Bertie do you also squeeze cheese?

Hahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!!! That line is excellent! It totally makes me think of Easy Cheese.

I also love the limericks. You guys rock.

You show'em Elliot, Bravo Bravo Bravo. Let me just say next time I'm out sailing...

Haha Dumster - not bad, although the 'once in a while' line... hmm ;)

Assblaster - yeah that was my favourite line in the poem too!

"There's this jockular fellow named Dumpster
Who's a talented, literary poo funster.
His turds in girth
Are the finest on earth
And, some say ressemble Herman Munster."

Bunga... lol!!!

*shockingly looks at his typos* sorry guys I'm ashamed.

Once there were two gents competing
To see whose prose was best succeeding.
It triggered my bowels
To purge out the fouls
And left my poor brown starfish bleeding.

Too visual Di, how bout a haiku?

I, too, wonder if I'm going to have a corn turd if I've had corn the previous day.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

Been a long time since I've been called a "jock."

I have not laughed this hard in YEARS!
Naming poops after US Presidents!

Piece Out!
Crapola

It started out well, then got very crappy, and ended so-so.

The limerics are better.

There was an old hermit named Dave,
who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, "What the hell,
you get used to the smell,
and just think of the money I save!"

Will Elliot write another poem?
Will I laugh until my pants are soaked in urine?
We shall see!

I hope so (for both ?'s)

George Eliot Butterz: This was a moving piece of pooetry. I wouldn't name my logs after a couple of US presidents, though. It's not cool like that to insult your own babies.

When, oh, when will you submit another masterpiece, GEB? We're all a'twitter.

He who writes on bathroom walls
Rolls thier shit into little balls
He who reads these dirty lines of grit
Eats those little balls of shit.

Regarding the post above by Nutt Butt: isn't/wasn't that someone's signature here on PoopReport?

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

I love my turds too.
Poop on!

-Poopgirl

Wilt thou drop a mighty load?
A hard-packed brick of shit,
Or for days on end upon the throne just grunt and fart and sit?
Ere long a loaf of fecal flotsam
Shall drop out of your ass,
Or would you rather primly sit whilst only passing gas?
A turd man! A turd is what is wanted now,
Not a smirking slacker parked on the john like a constipated cow.
Squeeze out a wad of stinking shite into the receptacle of white.
Let not your bung hold back its load of foul degradation - just pass a turd a foot in length without vain speculation.
And if in shitting on the pot you rise to float a log,
Remember from the same bowl you water your pet dog.

That's quite an awesome bit of pooetry there, Anonymous Coward! it's a great addition to the other works here. Have you considered registering? You're a great writer; we'd love to have you aboard.

_______
"Double the flush, double the fun" --The Amazing Anus

Damn right DF - AC that`s a hell of a lot better than most of the "crap" pooetry we get.

Join up AC.

Hmmmm - I guess people do give a shit about poetry. (Insert sick chortle here) Thanks DF and Thunder, I'll consider it.

I sat upon the throne of white,
Pondering life in dark of night
When a gentle zephyr breeze
Wafted up and made me sneeze.
Its odor lingered in the room
Like a harbinger of doom
Malevolent and greasy smell
Issuing forth from deepest Hell,
Made eyes run like mighty river
Set teeth on edge, made nostrils quiver.
"Must be something that I ate"
But don't eat turds on paper plate.
What ever could have smelled like that?
Oh, I see, its just the cat.

Three feet long, a bare inch wide
Zigged and zagged from side to side.
The longest one I've ever laid,
Was ever penance better made?

Great poo-em and thread.

I especially go a kick out of the second to last line that says: "Perhaps you might like to create a poo raft?
Your lumber arranged neatly both fore and aft.
You could then set sail at high tide and head forth,
pointing you arse towards magnetic north".

_______
"-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"

ah how do friends, just want to know what squirt a bertie means? Can someone explain this to me? Thanks.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!