Showboat Shitting: Turd Terrorism
Many readers of PoopReport are aware of the Shameless Shitting revolution -- a
movement to promote acceptance of shit as a basic human function, no more worthy of
shame nor disdain than blowing ones' nose or combing ones' hair. A Shameless Shitter
has the right to shit in any bathroom, anywhere, regardless of who knows what they're
doing, and feel neither shame nor scorn from themselves or anyone else.
Our cause is noble, our belief is pure. But --- there are some among us who twist
our theories of rectal justice to their own nefarious ends. These people appropriate
our battle cry -- and bastardize it into a twisted, perverse justification of their evil
I refer to Showboat Shitters. Otherwise known as Exhibitionist Shitters, these are
people who believe the ideals of Shameless Shitting validate acts of poop terrorism.
I give you the example of "Jeremy." He sent me this email a few weeks ago. Please
forgive his poor grammar -- clearly, it is exemplary of the kind of person we're dealing
Heres some backround information concerning the following poop escapade. One of my
friends and I decided to go hang out at the mall because of the lack of anything better
to do. He had bought a cd and had a small plastic bag. We both expressed the urge to
take a shit. I thought it would be the funniest thing on earth if he could take the bag
into the bathroom and poop in it, then we would take it to JCPenney and hang it on a
clothes rack where it would be hidden but stin up the joint like no other.
He couldnt manage to pinch one off in the bag, so he just crapped normally. I, being
hte talented crapper that i am, decided to go to the bathroom in JCPenney. I dropped my
trousers and tried to crap on the floor with no luck. I switched to regular poop
position and pinched a couple of soft pipin hot loafs. The last little turtle head
didnt want to come out so i plucked it with some TP and stuck it to the wall. It looked
like a large melted hershey kiss stuck to the stall door.
My friend was in the bathroom by the door keeping me company, he looked in the next
stall and found a plunger. He had the bright idea of smearing poop all over hte WHOLE
bathroom. We went ahead with our dispicible plan. There was shit on the bathroom
fixtures, smears on the walls and mirror, im saying EVERYWHERE. It looked like the
blood on the walls of the houses where the manson family killed those people. All of a
sudden, a man walks in with some sort of a name-tag. We assume they work at the store
so we shove him out of the way and bolt.
The bathroom was near a door that lead outside. My friend started heading all the
way back through the store and to the mall, i yelled at him to follow me so we ran
outside right into the middle of a contruction area. We crossed one of hte busiest
streets in town to a restaurant and had a lil food. We joked about how they might put
out a wanted poster on us or put us on the news ass the dookie delinquents. After wa
ate we returned to the mall with some expectations that they may have overreacted to
the whole situation and there would be some security lockdown. There wasnt, but we
still basked in the brown glory of knowing some poor sap opened the door to find a
bathroom covered in shit. what a day
Imagine the nerve of this little Junior Nazi. Not only does he go out and commit
these unspeakable crimes, but he actually comes seeking our approval!
Jeremy's actions violate every fiber of the Shameless Shitting doctrine. But as bad
as he is, there are worse.
Over on the forums, a new user has appeared. Calling himself The_Shitter, this
bathroom bomber claims to have been defacing and destroying toilets all across Oregon
regularly for the last three years.
Ever since I was a kid I have liked to shit on bathroom walls then go report it and
watch the look on some ones face as they thought about how much of a pain in the ass it
would be to clean it.
I take great pride in making the mess so it is hardest to clean up. Taking great
care to save a clump to shove up the hand dryer ( always hated them cheep ass people
who put them in their restrooms instead of paper towels ) and of course I like to smear
some on the sink handles and as I leave I leave a turd on the door handl exiting the
I have to pause for a second -- I am shaken.
It is time to make one thing quite clear: the Shameless Shitting doctrine does not
in any way support the desecration of bathrooms.
For most of us, pooping is a moment of Zen. For some, like uberpooper Dakota,
pooping is a celebration of freedom, of camaraderie, of being at one with his fellow
man. For others, like me, pooping is a time of solitude, of introspection, of private,
intense enjoyment of the pleasure of the human body.
Regardless of what the pooping experience means to you, enjoyment of poop always
relies on one thing: a bathroom suitable to poop in. Which is why these wicked little
Hezzbowelah terrorists are so evil -- because, by destroying the bathroom with their
shit, the render it unfit for human use -- which means that future shitters are unable
to enjoy what they came to do.
This is the true crime. On the spectrum of pooping priorities, I place 'enjoyment
of my own shit' ABOVE 'acceptance of others' shits.' When you make it so others are
unable to enjoy their shit, you are evil.
The objective of Shameless Shitting is to give humanity the freedom to shit with
impunity. These Hamass terrorists rob us of that freedom.
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