The Thanksgiving holiday is always one of my favorites. You get time off from work (even though I have to go in on Saturday), it's a chance to catch up with family and friends, you eat good, and you don't have to plunk down a load of cash to buy worthless gifts for family or friends. Nor do you have to receive crappy gifts that you'll never use. Thanksgiving is all about family, food, friendship, and free time. Who could ask for more?

In 2000 I was invited to my grandmother's for Thanksgiving. And man, does she lay out a feast. Turkey, ham and all the fixin's, and, this year, homemade lasagna!

On normal days I eat very little and hardly ever have seconds. Thanksgiving is different. I pig out like I've been smoking weed for days. I starve myself half the day on Wednesday and skip breakfast on Thursday morning just so I can stuff myself at the big meal. Of course, with a huge meal like that comes the almighty pay-off: the pure pleasure of what is probably my biggest dump of the season, if not the year.

Those of you who have read my stories know that I can piss anywhere. I mean, I can let loose a leak on the side of a snowman... on a huge roaring bonfire... into an empty forty-ounce beer bottle... but when it comes to the ol' number two, I have to shit at home. Don't get me wrong: I like to shit. In fact, a bowel movement has always been a mini-event for me. And with a stomach stretched to the limits with a home-cooked feast, I know Thanksgiving is going to be a major event. I always try to outdo my feces from the year before. In '97, I laid an unbroken log that I swear was a good two feet! I shit you not. Plus, I followed it up with two six-inchers. Damn, I wish I had a picture. I mean, we're talking a collective three-foot shit.

My goal this year was to get the full three feet out unbroken. To this end, I had probably a pound of turkey, six thick slices of ham, four huge pieces of lasagna, and enough mashed potatoes and stuffing to feed a third world nation. I even limited myself to just a few beers -- sometimes a lot of beer can put a damper on the solidness of your dump. The alcohol destroys some of the texture, I think. One year I got completely tanked on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Not only was my turkey dinner ruined by an unprecedented hangover, but my shit was a complete waste. It amounted to what looked like two dozen nightcrawlers lying still in the toilet bowl.

So after dinner, we were all hanging around in the TV room, trying not to fall asleep, when someone gets the bright idea to see a fuckin' movie. Now don't get me wrong, I like movies, but I didn't want to sit in a crowded movie theater and then have nature call out to my shit bladder that it's time for the big event. While most people are not going to be able to digest their Thanksgiving spread until the Friday after (ever been at a shopping mall shithouse on that busy shopping day? It's a shitatorium. A long line at every stall.), I know my fast acting metabolism. A bacon and egg breakfast takes only twenty minutes to pass through my intestines and make its way to my asshole. I have digestive system that works overtime. So for a meal that I consume at three PM, my shit is scheduled for seven PM. No later than nine.

To make a long story short, I get talked in to going to see The Grinch. I was trying to make some time with this girl who was a friend of my brother, and her kid wanted to see it. So I figured I'd go.

I didn't realize how crowded the theater would be. And $7.50 per ticket with no kid discounts. I stood in a long line for a six-dollar bucket of popcorn, a four-dollar candy box, and three $3.25 soda pops. And about halfway through the movie, I knew it was time to say goodbye to this holiday meal. Damn, I wished I were at home in my comfortably clean bathroom facility. Instead, I was about to be forced to unleash what could be a masterpiece in a public facility. And oh how I dread taking a shit anywhere but home. The longest I've held my bladder product was close to ten full hours (although I understand that leaving all that toxic waste in your system for that long can cause some health problems).

I can piss anywhere... behind a dumpster... off the side of a moving train... on the grave of a rich relative... but when it comes to shitting...

I hit the head at the movie house. Of course there were some punks smoking cigarettes in there, but did I care? Hell no. Just let me get this log out with minimal fanfare. Then wipe as best I can, even though you always leave a bit in the ass cavity to dry up. I usually get out a washcloth at home and completely wash my ass when I'm done. I understand this prevents hemorrhoids, too. I was happy that I got a big, private handicrapper in which to do my dirty work.

Even though I was in a huge hurry to leave this public facility and get back to the movie, the competitiveness within me wanted to break that 1997 record. Even though I had no camera and no one would ever lay eyes on it.

I once took a very long piss in a toilet at a bar. It went for a good ninety seconds. Seriously. I'm glad there was a guy at a nearby urinal who heard the piss hit the water for all of those ninety seconds -- not only did he comment that it was the longest piss he had ever heard, he even bragged about it at the bar when he left. It made me proud.

The shit started to come out very easy -- unbroken for a good two feet! Just like my '97 shit. It was then followed by one nine-incher. Why is it that the first log is always the longest? This two-footer was so long it wrapped around the bowl about one-and-a-quarter turns, partially out of the water; and man, did it stink. Though I knew those teenagers who were smoking probably couldn't smell it.

I carefully wiped and threw the toilet paper in the bowl. But then I got to thinking. "I'm not going to flush...I want to show this bad boy off."

I quickly left and went back to enjoy The Grinch. Not a bad movie, by the way. After it let out, I grew curious. I wanted to see if that shit was still there.

The men's room was crowded, and yes, there was a steady stench in the air, even forty-five minutes later! I tried to enter that handicap stall but someone was in there taking a piss. Then I heard him flush. Damn -- the evidence was gone.

I went in the stall anyway. And lo and behold, there it was! My two-footer was still intact. The nine-incher and the toilet paper had gone down, but this two-footer was so big long and thick it couldn't flush away!

Because I felt a sense of pride, I yelled out, "Oh my God, get a load of this log!"

Of course, with a movie theater full of school-aged kids, everyone was coming into the stall to check it out. I watched while blow-drying my hands. I even heard one little bastards try to flush it away. No dice -- it wasn't going anywhere.

I left the john and could hear kids telling other kids and their parents about the huge find. I even heard one girl say she wished she could go in and view it! One guy said: "It's probably somebody's Thanksgiving dinner."

After the movie, we hung out in the lobby playing video games. I overheard a theater manager get one of the flunkies who was making change and tell him to get a stick and go into the john to "Break up the shit that won't flush." At that point I was glad that I let this baby out in a public shit facility. At home, I would have been the only one to feast eyes on this Picasso.