I have Crohn's disease, and have had ten surgeries to remove sections of my small and large intestines. The last operation was botched, and left me with five fistulas (tracts from my large intestine to my abdomen) below my navel.
As you can imagine, five additional bungholes without the benefit of controlling sphincters presents its own set of problems. They expel gas and fecal matter at will. This smell of this stuff is like nothing that anyone has ever smelled. It is absolutely the most horrible smell one can imagine.
One of the funniest incidents took place last month, as I was traveling from NYC to San Francisco on a 747. I was strategically seated near the rear bathroom, in the second to last row. I woke up about two hours into the flight, and immediately expelled an enormous blast of unholy air. The lack of asscheeks on my abdomen makes these outbursts 100% stealthy. Within seconds, the passenger seated to my right grabbed her airsick bag and let loose. Soon after, the entire rear of the airplane was in an uproar, complete with comments such as, "What the FUCK was that, no human could create a stench so foul" and "Someone has a serious problem."
I did not see a single person without a pillow or article of clothing covering their nose. I do my best to keep a straight face in these situations, but this one was just too much. I laughed right into my in-flight pillow, to continue my stealthy subterfuge. I fully expected the oxygen masks to deploy at any minute!
The airlines have an anti-odor spray to dispel more human odors in flight, but they are no match for my pentagon of poop chutes. It was finally decided that there must be a serious leak or malfunction in the plane's toilet/holding tank. I could hear the flight attendant calling the cockpit to inform them of the problem. As the co-pilot came back to investigate, I let loose a second blast, more foul than the first.
There is nothing more funny than the look on someone's face the first time they get a whiff of old fecal, and the co-pilot was no exception. He spun around, returned to the cockpit, and then informed the passengers that we would be landing in Kansas City MO, to attempt to diagnose and correct the "obvious plumbing problem". We sat on the ground in KC for 2hrs while a totally befuddled maintenance crew tried to find and correct a problem that did not exist! I called my brother in CA to inform him of the delay, but didn't dare risk a severe beating if someone overheard me explaining the true cause of the problem. The remainder of the flight was uneventful, and I had a gem of a story to tell when I arrived.
I know this sounds too bizarre to be true, so I am enclosing a digital photo of my abdomen as proof of the deadly pentagon poop chute. (Editor's note: Ewwwwww!)
-- Rob
