"Best Poo Story Ever"

m 1+ points - Newb

Editor's note: "Best poo story ever." That was the subject line when this story reached my inbox. Call me elitist, but I took umbrage at the author's hubris. However, maybe I'm a jerk. You tell me -- is he right? Is this indeed the best poo story ever? And am I perched to high on my mighty poop throne to recognize it?

So here it goes, the shit story to end all shitting stories. I'm a college student right now at Arizona State University and living in the dorms, which sucks. For some reason I got stuck in the worst dorm at campus, they were built in 1952 or something around there. Anyway they have these community bathrooms which I cant stand. There are five stalls for pooping all next to eajother in a little poop row. I hate this cause my poop is usually pretty musical and embarissing so I don't like it when other people are in one of the other stalls. Sometimes ill even wait in the stall for the other person to leave then go at it.

As the story goes though, it was a Friday night and all day I had been eating pizza and other junk food like that. My intestines weren't happy at all, they were waiting for the perfect moment to blow up.

So I'm all dressed to impress in Polo and smelling nice and what not, when it happens. I'm talking to a girl from the 3rd floor of my dorm whom Ive been eyeing for some time now. Were actually getting along which doesn't happen too often with me and women, so I'm really getting into the conversation. Then my stupid drunk friend runs out of his room wearing some panties on his head and screaming about bears. As much as I tried not to laugh my ass off in front of this princess I couldn't help it. That's when the forces of the universe gathered all its strength and used it squeeze my intestines. So now I'm laughing my ass off in front of this beautiful woman, and I have to shit real bad. What was I suppost to do? The only thing I could do that's the answer, run to the bathroom and hope I make it without shitting myself.

So I sprint to the bathroom and I'm still cracking up. As I bust in the bathroom door I notise there's someone else in one of the stalls, which really makes me upset. But this time I cant help it, I'm in photo finish mode and its gonna blow soon. So I smash the stall door open and throw the pants down to get into position.

At this point I'm just cracking up and the poo is flowing out of my ass. Water Is splashing all over my cheeks and legs are flailing wildly in the air like I'm being tickled or something. While this is going I keep laughing harder and harder and I keep pooping more and more. Its starting to get painful now as the first wave of moist poo is gone and its getting down to reserves. Laughing and laughing and pooing and pooing and kicking and kicking! I was laughing at myself for having an unbelievable poo, shitting next to someone and them hear me, and my dumbass panty wearing friend. It was out of control, I couldn't walk for a while. When I got back to the girl and she asked what happened I calmly replied "oh... I fell in."

-- Ben Muth

83 Comments on ""Best Poo Story Ever""

Marcos's picture

yeah WTF? Since we're trowing shit out of left field I now declare myself the World's Greatest Sex Machine, and The Father of Modern Warfare.

Best story ever.....

Tronad Dump's picture

This is why they have seperate dorms for freshmen.

Not because of the shit, but because of the idiocy.

Poopster39's picture
l 100+ points

I guess you had to be there.

ThreePly's picture

You were talking to a girl, your drunk friend wore panties on his head, you laughed and crapped.

Empty. I give it a 1 grunt out of 5 grunts.

ParaPooper's picture

Best Story ever?...Not even close! I give it a 2 out of 5 stars.

coach crap's picture

If you go to ASU then I went to Harvard.Your grammer and spelling is awful.How in the world did you get a SAT score high enough to get in to ASU? Oh yeah saying that is the gratest shit story is like saying Ed Wood was our greatest film director?Your story sucked.

shitass's picture

What a great situation. The tale posted by Ben Muth is really a story within the story. The real story is how Ben's hubris enrages PoopGodDave, who in turn unleashes his army of minions to rip the arrogant fool to pieces.

also, this story sucked shit.

Perry Stalsis's picture

I'm with ParaPooper - 2 stars MAX. Hey, coach; "Your grammer and spelling is awful"?? The synergistic stupidity of those 6 words, issued as criticism no less, threatens to collapse upon itself and rip a hole in the space-time continuum. If you wrote that as a joke, it's sublime. If not...

Sharty_Jones's picture

Yeah, this was terrible. Sorry dude, but even the least funny stories I have seen on this site best your story by miles.

Di Uhreea's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

I was thinking the same thing as Poopster39.
You had to be there I guess.

poopesbueno's picture

That story sucked and your are the biggest dip shit ive ever seen

Mike Olanreeks's picture

What's the big deal? This happens to me morning...

C Everett Poop's picture

I hope you are majoring in spelling, dullard.

Active Poocano's picture

This story stinks so bad it could knock a buzzard off a gutwagon.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Dave, what's up? Somebody at work really ticked you off? The wife getting cranky already? A bad experience at ASU? Please explain why you threw this poor soul out to the wolves without even editing his piece, which for all we know is technically in better shape than many of the stories that get published here.


a young friend's picture

I enjoyed your story dude. I don't pick a story apart to look for spelling and grammar errors. In fact, I thought it was funny. I laughed myself. Just glad I'm not the toilet you came in to abused. Sounds like you were pretty rough with it.

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

not the worst poop story ever, but definitely not the best. i did get a chuckle out of the image of a guy running by with underwear on his head yelling something about bears. the story probably would've been better with some editing for spelling and grammar.

marcos, your post cracked me up! so did yours, C Everett Poop.

poopster 39, were all your other names the same as this one but with a different number? or were you joking? 39 is a lot of names to go through....

i love poop.

ModernPoop's picture

This had potential, and I laughed at the panties on the head. But this by far not the best poop story ever.

the shitter's picture

This moron is enrolled in the School Of How To Flip Burgers.

Poopster39's picture
l 100+ points

wonderpance: That was a lame attempt on my part at humor. The real story behind the "39" is not very interesting.

Joe Mammy's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Don't worry. You're best poop work is still ahead of you...

Cap'n Crap's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Coach Crap,
I live in PHX and beleive me this kid probably does go to ASU. PHX is full of the dumbest people I've ever seen, spoken to, and done business with. It's like the Jerry Springer show's home town.

Hey kid, want some advise? Retaik your hi scool englsh klass's.

Cap'n Crap's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Seriously, good for you to write something and have the courage to put it out there. Try these steps on the next one; write it on a word processing program, print it out on paper, let someone else read it, revise the content, edit with spell checker/grammar checker, repeat the previous steps, and finally cut-and-paste onto this forum.
Good luck.

Long and Pointy's picture
m 1+ points - Newb


Best story ever? I wouldn't know since I quit reading halfway through when I totally lost interest.

El Poopadore's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Somewhat...a lot what, actually, lacking. Might I offer a suggestion to Ben? Go to Wal-Mart and load up on exlax, enemas, sugar-free chocolate, and salsa. Nestle yourself in the perfect seat in the first row of the next major event you attend. Wait for the fun to ensue.

Soggy's picture

Sigh... This story needed a higher embarassment factor or needed to be more unique. We've all had to poop bad and made the toilet just in time. It was the equivilant of telling a story about somebody pooping while reading the newspaper. We've all been there...even the part with the drunk friend with panties on his head(who doesn't have a friend like that). I agree with 39, change your name and try again. Maybe start your next story with "the worst poop story ever." Underpromise and overdeliver my friend.

chicken gravy's picture

I must be a more humble poopreporter than most...this wasn't a great story but the only thing REALLY wrong with it was it's title & grammer...
I've only had one poop story posted here...but Dave changed my title & edited some of my content...if he'd done the same for this guy it wouldn't have been so bad

he obviously doesn't check this site regularly or I'm sure he would have recognized that he didn't have the BEST poo story ever...but without first-timers it'd just be Dave posting his own poop stories

ol turdy basturd's picture

Remember when just being in college meant that one could write and spell at least at the eighth grade level?

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper

It's true that I do give stories a once-over to correct any grammar and spelling errors. I thought about being fair and giving it to this one, but I decided not to for the same reason I decided not to change the title -- because I was offended that some dude would send in this story with such an attitude and yet not even bother to spell check it.

I guess I posted this because I wanted to feel like a big man and put some kid in his place. Mission accomplished! I feel so high and mighty now.

Sorry, Ben Muth. Wrong place/wrong time. (And wrong attitude!

The Poo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Best? Best? I can think of another B word - Bloody Awful!! You've got to come up with better than that mate. Sorry.
Also, I have a story on its way so if it gets posted take a look!

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

i somewhat feel the need to defend this guy and his choice of title. since i don't know him, i could be completely wrong, but i do believe it's possible that he was just being silly when he called it the best poop story ever. i doubt he really believes that, especially if he's ever read any of the other stories on here, and maybe he just couldn't think of a title for it. the only reason i'm saying this is because it's something i might do. can't think of a title? then call it "the best story ever"! but if i'm wrong and he really does think it's the best poop story ever, he obviously has a lot of reading to do!

poopster39, no, it was funny! i laughed at first, but then i was like, "wait a minute...is this one of the banned people slipping up and possibly giving away his new identity??" but then i noticed the 39 in your name and knew it was probably a joke. i just wanted to check. i guess i was dumb that day.

i love poop.

Poopster39's picture
l 100+ points

Hey, Ben. DungDaddy makes a valid point. Instead of discouraging new contributors, we should be more supportive. Your story was not that bad for a first attempt. Unfortunately, you made the mistake of blowing your own horn and that was your undoing. Sadly, we will never forgive you for this. So if you ever want to publish again, you must change your name. Myself, I went through 38 name changes before I finally sttled on my current moniker. Fooled everyone.

DungDaddyy's picture

Ah, the foibles of youth. A budding young poopreporter squashed into the muck by the cerebrums of some delicate, spoiled, literary geniuses. Not even a hint of good advice.

The only thinker among us being Shitass, our own Colossus of Truth. Surely GooGuru Dave hath not fallen asleep at the wheel. His postulate must have hit the mark.

Having said all that: Yup this story sucks the chicken.

ParaPooper's picture

Banned people???? There are those that are banned from PR? Is this true? What would get one banned pray tell?

Poopster39's picture
l 100+ points

For one thing, don't piss off Dave. He's obviously become mad with power.

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

parapooper, i don't think you can actually get banned from the site, as a whole. but if you join the forums and raise a lot of heck, that can get you banned. and i don't know about dave being mad with power, but i don't know that he'll just ban people who piss him off. i think it usually has to be by popular demand. i've only been around for one or two bannings, but they weren't regular posters. just people who thought it'd be cool post gross fetish stuff and whatnot. but i know a couple other people have been banned from the forums for hassling other members and such.

i love poop.

Poopster39's picture
l 100+ points

Hey, don't get me introuble with Dave now. I was just kidding. Besides, he has yet to release my most recent story. I'd hate for it to be prefaced with an "Editor's Note." Sorry, Dave. Just kidding. Sorry. Sorry.

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

I did laugh. Sure it is funny, but it doesn't make me think of anything special.

What I enjoy is a story that is so shocking, the author needs to invent new terms to describe what happened.

Glutgut's picture

Glad you had a nice poo poo. Next time be a man and take a shit.

Turtle Head's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

This story was a "you had to be there" kinda thing. I'm sure if this guy was in a creative writing program, it would have been pretty good. Unfortunately, he probably is undeclared or in a tech program where communication is not considered important. Two paragraphs describing the quality of the shit would have been fun.

Thomas of Denver's picture

The story was a *tad* anticlimactic. Lots of frenzied activity and mayhem, culminating in a slightly above-average shit session. I do like the idea of laugh-pooping...but as someone else mentioned above, I got more humor out of the image of the guy running through the halls with panties on his head, and yelling "bears".

And what about detailing the poo? Sure it's great that he shit like a staccato Dutch Uncle, but was it green? Was it laced with weird red veins? Did the first wipe do a soak-through on the TP? Details make the tale..

Shit Enigma's picture

Huh? I had trouble reading this due to the bad spelling, etc.....

Juli Pooli's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Hey, let's give junior a little credit. We'll ignore the lame story and tragic grammar faux pas. This is a huge moment in his life! He has a poop story to share that has nothing to do with mommy wiping him when he's finished. Let's give him his day. He'll learn soon enough. Send him to creative writing and ask him to post again.

the blaster's picture

dude, ur in college and u cant even spell notice.(notise?)

fuck u of a's picture

could care less about his spelling, content, or anything, but seriously screw u of a...

go devils

bad_story_police's picture

This story is horribly, i rarly make comments to people but when a story is this bad!!! i have to say something. Start writing better stories or stop writing them. How are you in college, i didn't think they accepted such morons. Well now you know, anyone can get into college. Don't quit ur day job because again this story sucked balls

Poopster39's picture
l 100+ points

Talk about the iron calling the kettle black ...

chicken gravy's picture

I think that was more like the iren calling the ketel black

Poopster39's picture
l 100+ points

I stand kerrekted.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Okay, but not the "greatest story ever told".

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Lady Ballbuster's picture

Coach Crap, I lived in Tempe, AZ (home of ASU), and believe me, it's very easy for people as stupid as this to get in. It's a party school, nothing more, and imbeciles abound. It was bad enough being subjected to these cretins on a daily basis in real life...must I endure them online, as well??

Lady Ballbuster's picture

Cap'n Crap, you're from the Valley of the Sun? Me, too! You're right, this place is filled with retards. As I always say, the Phoenix area is where temperatures are high and IQ's are low.

Turd Hugegrunt's picture

Goddam! I just can't get over how today's college students have such poor writing skills. This story just goes to prove once more how dumbed down America is becoming. What a shame. And to think that this total idiot actually thinks that the story line has merit. Gimme a fuckin' break.

Poopster39's picture
l 100+ points

Ass-asin, methinks thou doth protest too much. I think it unusual that you - a self-proclaimed outsider - could have simply stumbled on this site by accident. If you're so uptight about poop, then why did you read through Ben Muth's story along with all 54 responses? Could you perhaps be one of Ben's associates at ASU ? Possibly even the drunk with the panties on his head screaming about bears? I got you, didn't I?

Sarah's picture
l 100+ points

it sucked

Obi-Dung Kenobi's picture
l 100+ points

You wrote this... and you're in COLLEGE?

Fuck constructive criticism! Quit wasting your parents'/governments' money and just get a job washing cars now. You blew it with the title -- blatant false advertising.

You know, come to think of it, your storytelling probably says a lot about your sexual prowess, too. You allow nothing to the imagination, no suspense to build; it's all told in this slapdash "so then I was like, and then she was like, and then I crapped in a toilet. The End." Essentially, you spent your content before you aroused an iota of anyone's interest. Premature, clumsy, self-absorbed and stupid don't begin to do this piece of excrement justice.

Who_He?'s picture

If you asked me your all a bunch of washed up ass holes sitting in your office somewhere looking for a way to escape your dull lives. Then lo and behold a poor story enters your sad little world and you pounce on it like a fat kid on a mc griddle. I bet your all in your mid 30's, all of you products of the 80's. You just cant handle the fact that doing cocaine every day doesnt get you paid anymore and getting a real job sucks so much you have to hate on one kids spelling who are half your age. Congrats assholes, you acomplished whatever your sick agenda was. Either make yourselves feel amazing because you can talk about your fecal matter in a more extravagent manner than a college freshman, or make some poor kid feel bad about his writing when really you are the poor writer who landed some desk job at Initec alongside Peter and Milton. Either way im sure all of you go home to a wife who wont suck your dicks anymore or you go home to sleep in mommys basement and play Halo all night long. But thats not the point, the real point is that some kid at ASU cant spell right and his story about poo is boring. All else aside, hes the real ass hole, not you great people that feel its your job to tell him he sucks.

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

mr. hugegrunt, you're obviously under the mistaken impression that kids today go to college to learn. this is just not the case! don't you know that college is all about getting drunk every night, experimenting with drugs and/or sexual orientation, having promiscuous sexual relations with as many drunk people as you can cram into 4 years (usually less, because these people rarely actually make it to graduation), and being too hung over to go classes and skipping all of them until the final and praying nothing that was discussed in lectures is on the test so you can still pass the class even though you never actually went to it and are a lucky son of a bitch who just happened to read all the right chapters out of the text book(s) and go to a school that doesn't care if students actually attend class?

come on, hugegrunt. get with the times, man.

i love poop.

Poopster39's picture
l 100+ points

Holy smoke. You are really passionate about this, aren't you? Cool your jets, fella. I don't think any of the contributors to this site take it quite that seriously. You need to channel your negative energy toward something more productive.

Jerko the Prick's picture

Yeah, you with the sour grapes. Get over it kid. You don't write so good. So what? the thing you have to understand is that all you are to these people is the sum of words you handed in, and in truth they add up to a single dehdrated Chihuahua turd. So go away, or write something else. No one cares. It's not personal...

... until I get all the other kids on campus to pelt you with their own shitlogs, that is. Then it's personal.

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

That story stunk to high heaven.

The Emir of Crapistan

General Colon Pow!'s picture

Didn't even make me crack a smile.....


B.M.'s picture

holy shit yall. i didnt realize how seriously you guys took this website. thanks for insulting me all over the place and making sure i didnt go unpunished for a shitty shit story. id like to defend ASU by saying it has done nothing in making me stupider, but that ive been naturally dumb my whole liife. thanks you all for reminding me of this and maybe one day ill change my name, move to mexico, and write a really great tird story.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

B.M. This may appear to be a web site about shit. In reality it's a writer's workshop.


General Colon Pow!'s picture

B.M.: Hey...if you call your piece "The Best Poo Story Ever" you have to be willing to accept the criticism that may ensue- because by naming your article thusly, YOU have set a very high standard for it to live up to.
Had it had a different title, I probably just would have read it and shrugged and said "mediocre"- but if you're putting it in the big leagues......

Your writing was pretty competent though- you did a good job of conveying the acctual atmosphere and facts.

Turd HugeGrunt's picture

B.M.: Why're you dissin' Mexico, man? Most Mexicans I've had any real personal interchanges with are hardworking, honest, and literate (if only in Spanish); and try harder to learn English than you apparently have. As to ASU, I can only say that the university should be recognized, I guess, for allowing ignoramuses a chance at higher education. Maybe you should apply yourself as a way to show your appreciation.

Poopster39's picture
l 100+ points

Hey Ben Muth. I love your initials. Maybe you can find a home here after all. I have to say, your last post showed a great deal of integrity. Not only did you show humility - which made up for the faux pas in your story's title - but you also showed loyalty toward your alma mater. You could have retaliated by calling us all a bunch of assholes - which we probably are. Instead, you took the high road, unlike many of those who flamed you unnecessarily. Unfortunatley, some of life's lessons come the hard way. You seem to be a decent guy. I hope we hear more from you.

foof's picture

seriously that was the worst poop story I have ever read. Out of all the poop stories, that is lowest on the charts, I'm embarassed for you

the poopster's picture

BRO.....Ive tried to squeeze a fart while talking to a hottie and actually SHAT my pants and had to run back into the resturant we ate at and remove my soiled undergarments.....Your story is lame.

Plungirl's picture

wow. that was pretty sad. quite honestly i cannot believe you actually thought that was even funny let alone the best ever.