"Best Poo Story Ever"
Editor's note: "Best poo story ever." That was the subject line when this story reached my inbox. Call me elitist, but I took umbrage at the author's hubris. However, maybe I'm a jerk. You tell me -- is he right? Is this indeed the best poo story ever? And am I perched to high on my mighty poop throne to recognize it?
So here it goes, the shit story to end all shitting stories. I'm a college student right now at Arizona State University and living in the dorms, which sucks. For some reason I got stuck in the worst dorm at campus, they were built in 1952 or something around there. Anyway they have these community bathrooms which I cant stand. There are five stalls for pooping all next to eajother in a little poop row. I hate this cause my poop is usually pretty musical and embarissing so I don't like it when other people are in one of the other stalls. Sometimes ill even wait in the stall for the other person to leave then go at it.
As the story goes though, it was a Friday night and all day I had been eating pizza and other junk food like that. My intestines weren't happy at all, they were waiting for the perfect moment to blow up.
So I'm all dressed to impress in Polo and smelling nice and what not, when it happens. I'm talking to a girl from the 3rd floor of my dorm whom Ive been eyeing for some time now. Were actually getting along which doesn't happen too often with me and women, so I'm really getting into the conversation. Then my stupid drunk friend runs out of his room wearing some panties on his head and screaming about bears. As much as I tried not to laugh my ass off in front of this princess I couldn't help it. That's when the forces of the universe gathered all its strength and used it squeeze my intestines. So now I'm laughing my ass off in front of this beautiful woman, and I have to shit real bad. What was I suppost to do? The only thing I could do that's the answer, run to the bathroom and hope I make it without shitting myself.
So I sprint to the bathroom and I'm still cracking up. As I bust in the bathroom door I notise there's someone else in one of the stalls, which really makes me upset. But this time I cant help it, I'm in photo finish mode and its gonna blow soon. So I smash the stall door open and throw the pants down to get into position.
At this point I'm just cracking up and the poo is flowing out of my ass. Water Is splashing all over my cheeks and legs are flailing wildly in the air like I'm being tickled or something. While this is going I keep laughing harder and harder and I keep pooping more and more. Its starting to get painful now as the first wave of moist poo is gone and its getting down to reserves. Laughing and laughing and pooing and pooing and kicking and kicking! I was laughing at myself for having an unbelievable poo, shitting next to someone and them hear me, and my dumbass panty wearing friend. It was out of control, I couldn't walk for a while. When I got back to the girl and she asked what happened I calmly replied "oh... I fell in."
-- Ben Muth