"Best Poo Story Ever"

m 1+ points - Newb

Editor's note: "Best poo story ever." That was the subject line when this story reached my inbox. Call me elitist, but I took umbrage at the author's hubris. However, maybe I'm a jerk. You tell me -- is he right? Is this indeed the best poo story ever? And am I perched to high on my mighty poop throne to recognize it?

So here it goes, the shit story to end all shitting stories. I'm a college student right now at Arizona State University and living in the dorms, which sucks. For some reason I got stuck in the worst dorm at campus, they were built in 1952 or something around there. Anyway they have these community bathrooms which I cant stand. There are five stalls for pooping all next to eajother in a little poop row. I hate this cause my poop is usually pretty musical and embarissing so I don't like it when other people are in one of the other stalls. Sometimes ill even wait in the stall for the other person to leave then go at it.

As the story goes though, it was a Friday night and all day I had been eating pizza and other junk food like that. My intestines weren't happy at all, they were waiting for the perfect moment to blow up.

So I'm all dressed to impress in Polo and smelling nice and what not, when it happens. I'm talking to a girl from the 3rd floor of my dorm whom Ive been eyeing for some time now. Were actually getting along which doesn't happen too often with me and women, so I'm really getting into the conversation. Then my stupid drunk friend runs out of his room wearing some panties on his head and screaming about bears. As much as I tried not to laugh my ass off in front of this princess I couldn't help it. That's when the forces of the universe gathered all its strength and used it squeeze my intestines. So now I'm laughing my ass off in front of this beautiful woman, and I have to shit real bad. What was I suppost to do? The only thing I could do that's the answer, run to the bathroom and hope I make it without shitting myself.

So I sprint to the bathroom and I'm still cracking up. As I bust in the bathroom door I notise there's someone else in one of the stalls, which really makes me upset. But this time I cant help it, I'm in photo finish mode and its gonna blow soon. So I smash the stall door open and throw the pants down to get into position.

At this point I'm just cracking up and the poo is flowing out of my ass. Water Is splashing all over my cheeks and legs are flailing wildly in the air like I'm being tickled or something. While this is going I keep laughing harder and harder and I keep pooping more and more. Its starting to get painful now as the first wave of moist poo is gone and its getting down to reserves. Laughing and laughing and pooing and pooing and kicking and kicking! I was laughing at myself for having an unbelievable poo, shitting next to someone and them hear me, and my dumbass panty wearing friend. It was out of control, I couldn't walk for a while. When I got back to the girl and she asked what happened I calmly replied "oh... I fell in."

-- Ben Muth

83 Comments on ""Best Poo Story Ever""

Too lazy to register's picture

Best poop story ever? I hear better poop stories every day.

Just this Thursday: I was at work. My lactose intolerant co-worker, Curt, had one of those Starbucks cappuchino in a bottle drinks with his greasy breakfast and well, the milk and coffee didn't sit so hot.

I work with heavy machinery, anyone that has ever operated heavy equipment knows that it can knock a few things loose. So, here we are at work, bouncing around while driving the equipment. Curt doesn't look so hot, in his words (minus the explitives,) "that cappuchino is doing a number on stomach."

Curt gets a weird look on his face, "Aww F*** I think I just S*** myself."

Curt proceded to the restroom while we all sat around laughing hysterically... there are a lot of guys at work capable of crapping themselves, and we are just thankful that we weren't the ones making the death march, we are a rough bunch of guys.

Fifteen minutes later we see Curt stomping up to the office, we all knew what what coming, "F*** this, I'm going home to change my underwear, I'm not coming back today." He heald his head in shame as we heckled ol' S*** pants during his entire waddle to the parking lot. Curts last words before he left? "F*** you guys, I always though Corey would S*** himself first."

Curt did leave us a surprise though. On top of the bathroom wastebasket was a wadded up pair of underwear, topped with a pile of poop... he may have crapped himself, but he got the last laugh.

Just another day at the office, yet still better than the "Best Poo Story Ever."

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

"...Anonymous (I'm not a coward) (not verified) -- 10.02.2006 'Thank God i don't live in America...'"


"Thank you, God, that the above Anon Cow does not live in America."


healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

The story could use more detail,(and spellcheck).

But, this is the kind of story you have to use your imagination on. Imagine what the person in the next stall was thinking when BM is next to him, laughing uncontrolably. If I was in the next stall, I would probably be laughing at Ben, and wondering what the hell is so funny.
Jammin' lo'flo's since 1977.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Anonymous Coward's picture

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll wonder where Ben contracted his case of megalomania. Sorry man, it ain't the greatest.

Anonymous (I'm not a coward)'s picture

Thank God i don't live in America

Thank God i won't have to come back here and review all your critisisms on any grammar mistakes i may have made.

However, I do agree this sucks

George Eliot Butterz's picture
l 100+ points

I've just spent the past 10 minutes reading all the comments from way back when and I found them so amusing!

Sometimes, I feel we do need a 'red herring' to evoke some emotion, so spot on Dave for posting as is.

In retrospect, I do find it amazing how poor some people's grasp is on the fundamentals of English grelling and spammar.

Wonder where BM is now???

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

As someone who also edits, I can understand Dave's motivation for giving us this story, evidently just as it was received.

It ought to make us appreciate what he has to suffer through to give us so much good and dirty entertainment. Suppose he posted everything here just as received?

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

I think this is an example of a pretty low-grade poop story. Even if it happened exactly as Ben said, it could have been written in a much more entertaining manner. The poor spelling and punctuation were distracting. I'd have renamed it, Dave. :)

the me's picture

I was expecting at least an accident! You don't know poo stories for your life.

w35t13's picture


I shit myself once. Then while i was cleaning myself off next to the bed i shit on the floor. After i was done cleaning myself i crawled back into bed. A guy named chuck came to clean the poo on the floor. I said sry. he said it happened all the time.

matt connery`'s picture

yo beezer, its matt c, i was roommatew with pat. that story is probably the best poop story i have rever heard or seen.


Paboopoo's picture

Umm...all those who are criticizing spelling and grammar should check their own because someone spelled grammar 'grammer' and another post cited 'governments'', when it should be 'government's'. There may be other mistakes, but those are the two that really caught my eye - I think because they were specifically writing about [sic] grammer and [sic]governments'.

Tastypoo's picture

That was probably the best poop story ever.

Plungirl's picture

wow. that was pretty sad. quite honestly i cannot believe you actually thought that was even funny let alone the best ever.

the poopster's picture

BRO.....Ive tried to squeeze a fart while talking to a hottie and actually SHAT my pants and had to run back into the resturant we ate at and remove my soiled undergarments.....Your story is lame.

foof's picture

seriously that was the worst poop story I have ever read. Out of all the poop stories, that is lowest on the charts, I'm embarassed for you

Poopster39's picture
l 100+ points

Hey Ben Muth. I love your initials. Maybe you can find a home here after all. I have to say, your last post showed a great deal of integrity. Not only did you show humility - which made up for the faux pas in your story's title - but you also showed loyalty toward your alma mater. You could have retaliated by calling us all a bunch of assholes - which we probably are. Instead, you took the high road, unlike many of those who flamed you unnecessarily. Unfortunatley, some of life's lessons come the hard way. You seem to be a decent guy. I hope we hear more from you.

Turd HugeGrunt's picture

B.M.: Why're you dissin' Mexico, man? Most Mexicans I've had any real personal interchanges with are hardworking, honest, and literate (if only in Spanish); and try harder to learn English than you apparently have. As to ASU, I can only say that the university should be recognized, I guess, for allowing ignoramuses a chance at higher education. Maybe you should apply yourself as a way to show your appreciation.

General Colon Pow!'s picture

B.M.: Hey...if you call your piece "The Best Poo Story Ever" you have to be willing to accept the criticism that may ensue- because by naming your article thusly, YOU have set a very high standard for it to live up to.
Had it had a different title, I probably just would have read it and shrugged and said "mediocre"- but if you're putting it in the big leagues......

Your writing was pretty competent though- you did a good job of conveying the acctual atmosphere and facts.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

B.M. This may appear to be a web site about shit. In reality it's a writer's workshop.


B.M.'s picture

holy shit yall. i didnt realize how seriously you guys took this website. thanks for insulting me all over the place and making sure i didnt go unpunished for a shitty shit story. id like to defend ASU by saying it has done nothing in making me stupider, but that ive been naturally dumb my whole liife. thanks you all for reminding me of this and maybe one day ill change my name, move to mexico, and write a really great tird story.

General Colon Pow!'s picture

Didn't even make me crack a smile.....


SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

That story stunk to high heaven.

The Emir of Crapistan

Jerko the Prick's picture

Yeah, you with the sour grapes. Get over it kid. You don't write so good. So what? the thing you have to understand is that all you are to these people is the sum of words you handed in, and in truth they add up to a single dehdrated Chihuahua turd. So go away, or write something else. No one cares. It's not personal...

... until I get all the other kids on campus to pelt you with their own shitlogs, that is. Then it's personal.

Poopster39's picture
l 100+ points

Holy smoke. You are really passionate about this, aren't you? Cool your jets, fella. I don't think any of the contributors to this site take it quite that seriously. You need to channel your negative energy toward something more productive.

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

mr. hugegrunt, you're obviously under the mistaken impression that kids today go to college to learn. this is just not the case! don't you know that college is all about getting drunk every night, experimenting with drugs and/or sexual orientation, having promiscuous sexual relations with as many drunk people as you can cram into 4 years (usually less, because these people rarely actually make it to graduation), and being too hung over to go classes and skipping all of them until the final and praying nothing that was discussed in lectures is on the test so you can still pass the class even though you never actually went to it and are a lucky son of a bitch who just happened to read all the right chapters out of the text book(s) and go to a school that doesn't care if students actually attend class?

come on, hugegrunt. get with the times, man.

i love poop.

Who_He?'s picture

If you asked me your all a bunch of washed up ass holes sitting in your office somewhere looking for a way to escape your dull lives. Then lo and behold a poor story enters your sad little world and you pounce on it like a fat kid on a mc griddle. I bet your all in your mid 30's, all of you products of the 80's. You just cant handle the fact that doing cocaine every day doesnt get you paid anymore and getting a real job sucks so much you have to hate on one kids spelling who are half your age. Congrats assholes, you acomplished whatever your sick agenda was. Either make yourselves feel amazing because you can talk about your fecal matter in a more extravagent manner than a college freshman, or make some poor kid feel bad about his writing when really you are the poor writer who landed some desk job at Initec alongside Peter and Milton. Either way im sure all of you go home to a wife who wont suck your dicks anymore or you go home to sleep in mommys basement and play Halo all night long. But thats not the point, the real point is that some kid at ASU cant spell right and his story about poo is boring. All else aside, hes the real ass hole, not you great people that feel its your job to tell him he sucks.

Obi-Dung Kenobi's picture
l 100+ points

You wrote this... and you're in COLLEGE?

Fuck constructive criticism! Quit wasting your parents'/governments' money and just get a job washing cars now. You blew it with the title -- blatant false advertising.

You know, come to think of it, your storytelling probably says a lot about your sexual prowess, too. You allow nothing to the imagination, no suspense to build; it's all told in this slapdash "so then I was like, and then she was like, and then I crapped in a toilet. The End." Essentially, you spent your content before you aroused an iota of anyone's interest. Premature, clumsy, self-absorbed and stupid don't begin to do this piece of excrement justice.

Sarah's picture
l 100+ points

it sucked

Poopster39's picture
l 100+ points

Ass-asin, methinks thou doth protest too much. I think it unusual that you - a self-proclaimed outsider - could have simply stumbled on this site by accident. If you're so uptight about poop, then why did you read through Ben Muth's story along with all 54 responses? Could you perhaps be one of Ben's associates at ASU ? Possibly even the drunk with the panties on his head screaming about bears? I got you, didn't I?

Turd Hugegrunt's picture

Goddam! I just can't get over how today's college students have such poor writing skills. This story just goes to prove once more how dumbed down America is becoming. What a shame. And to think that this total idiot actually thinks that the story line has merit. Gimme a fuckin' break.

Lady Ballbuster's picture

Cap'n Crap, you're from the Valley of the Sun? Me, too! You're right, this place is filled with retards. As I always say, the Phoenix area is where temperatures are high and IQ's are low.

Lady Ballbuster's picture

Coach Crap, I lived in Tempe, AZ (home of ASU), and believe me, it's very easy for people as stupid as this to get in. It's a party school, nothing more, and imbeciles abound. It was bad enough being subjected to these cretins on a daily basis in real life...must I endure them online, as well??

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Okay, but not the "greatest story ever told".

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Poopster39's picture
l 100+ points

I stand kerrekted.

chicken gravy's picture

I think that was more like the iren calling the ketel black

Poopster39's picture
l 100+ points

Talk about the iron calling the kettle black ...

bad_story_police's picture

This story is horribly, i rarly make comments to people but when a story is this bad!!! i have to say something. Start writing better stories or stop writing them. How are you in college, i didn't think they accepted such morons. Well now you know, anyone can get into college. Don't quit ur day job because again this story sucked balls

fuck u of a's picture

could care less about his spelling, content, or anything, but seriously screw u of a...

go devils

the blaster's picture

dude, ur in college and u cant even spell notice.(notise?)

Juli Pooli's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Hey, let's give junior a little credit. We'll ignore the lame story and tragic grammar faux pas. This is a huge moment in his life! He has a poop story to share that has nothing to do with mommy wiping him when he's finished. Let's give him his day. He'll learn soon enough. Send him to creative writing and ask him to post again.

Shit Enigma's picture

Huh? I had trouble reading this due to the bad spelling, etc.....

Thomas of Denver's picture

The story was a *tad* anticlimactic. Lots of frenzied activity and mayhem, culminating in a slightly above-average shit session. I do like the idea of laugh-pooping...but as someone else mentioned above, I got more humor out of the image of the guy running through the halls with panties on his head, and yelling "bears".

And what about detailing the poo? Sure it's great that he shit like a staccato Dutch Uncle, but was it green? Was it laced with weird red veins? Did the first wipe do a soak-through on the TP? Details make the tale..

Turtle Head's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

This story was a "you had to be there" kinda thing. I'm sure if this guy was in a creative writing program, it would have been pretty good. Unfortunately, he probably is undeclared or in a tech program where communication is not considered important. Two paragraphs describing the quality of the shit would have been fun.

Glutgut's picture

Glad you had a nice poo poo. Next time be a man and take a shit.

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

I did laugh. Sure it is funny, but it doesn't make me think of anything special.

What I enjoy is a story that is so shocking, the author needs to invent new terms to describe what happened.

Poopster39's picture
l 100+ points

Hey, don't get me introuble with Dave now. I was just kidding. Besides, he has yet to release my most recent story. I'd hate for it to be prefaced with an "Editor's Note." Sorry, Dave. Just kidding. Sorry. Sorry.

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

parapooper, i don't think you can actually get banned from the site, as a whole. but if you join the forums and raise a lot of heck, that can get you banned. and i don't know about dave being mad with power, but i don't know that he'll just ban people who piss him off. i think it usually has to be by popular demand. i've only been around for one or two bannings, but they weren't regular posters. just people who thought it'd be cool post gross fetish stuff and whatnot. but i know a couple other people have been banned from the forums for hassling other members and such.

i love poop.

Poopster39's picture
l 100+ points

For one thing, don't piss off Dave. He's obviously become mad with power.

ParaPooper's picture

Banned people???? There are those that are banned from PR? Is this true? What would get one banned pray tell?

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