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The Blighty Mississippi

Posted 08.02.2003 by Mike Olenreeks (16)
It was the summer of 1993, and most of us in Minnesota might remember this as the summer of the "great flood." For me, the events of this summer also permanently changed the images that come to my mind whenever I hear a reference to the "Mississippi Muddy."

The Mississippi River was above flood stage for 144 days. People who lived near the river or any of its tributaries found their backyards under as much as five feet of water. My brother and I (both fans of the movie Deliverance) decided to take a canoe trip down Rice Creek, in the northern suburbs of Minneapolis.

It was early in the morning, and our surreal journey took us from the main creek, through residential neighborhoods, through a picnic area, through parking lots, etc. The whole time in a canoe!

By mid-morning, my brother mentioned that he was feeling the telltale contractions that signal oncoming labor. We were nowhere near a proper birthing facility -- but it occurred to us that there was plenty of running water all around us, so we could improvise. The biggest challenge of taking care of the impending bundle of joy of was figuring out what to wipe with.

My brother looked around in our canoe and on his person, and, after much deliberation, offered with a sigh, "Well, I guess my socks are expendable!"

We found a remote area. He climbed out of the canoe and dropped trou, with his mud-chute strategically pointed downstream. It occurs to me now that he was careful to position his backside just barely under the surface of the water so I'd have an opportunity to witness the blessed event in all it's gory glory.

What I saw next haunts me to this day. Imagine, if you will, a twenty-inch brown mudsnake rapidly but silently exiting a man's colon, and swimming downstream and out of sight within two seconds. It was like that scene in the movie Alien where the creature rips its way out of the man's stomach and scurries off before they can get a good look at it. This creature was soon heading down to reveal itself to whatever fortunate souls were on their own idyllic canoe trips around the next cutback.

I've heard that in some new-age circles, mothers choose to have babies under water. I had never understood this before. Now I realize that it increases the chances that a child will come into the world comfortably and "in one piece."

Well, after we had a chuckle over that one, we were ready to continue our own trip downstream. Needless to say, we waited for several minutes before we felt it was safe to venture out into the snake-infested waters ahead.

We thought about some poor housewife or a small child, hip-deep in their own backyard, amusing themselves in the water -- and being terrified at the sight of the colon cobra that we had unleashed as it slithered its way past them.

And we were reminded of that famous line from the movie: "You don't beat the river...the river beats you."

-- Mike Olenreeks



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Di Uhreea (409) -- 08.12.2003

Being a fan of "Deliverance" myself, I just had to read this story to the tune of "Dueling Banjos". When I finished this story, I was trying not to "SQUEEEEAL" like a pig while laughing so hard.

Colon Cobra......LOL, LOL, LOL!!!!!

Mad Shittah (76) -- 08.12.2003

the infamous colon cobra!

The Big Wiper (2244) -- 08.12.2003

Hey, Mike, I grew up alongside the Mississippi River, too, only much further South in the southern half of the state of Mississippi. It's one big, wide, brown mothuh by the time it reaches my part of the country and very few things can survive the treacherous current--not even a twenty-foot brownsnake, courtesy of your bro.

My grandfather told me about a friend of his who fell off a pier on the waterfront of my hometown into the river and was sucked down by the current, except that they call them 'boils' down here. They are like vertical riptides, which carry objects down to the bottom of the river and then along the currents underneath, only to emerge hundreds of miles downstream, if at all. His friend's body, in fact, was never recovered.

One thing is for certain. By the time Ole Man River gets to Mississippi and Louisiana, he is quite full of shit, literally. And not just from the brownsnakes of Minnesota. The Missouri and Ohio River systems also drain into the Mississippi, which means about fifteen or twenty states end up contributing to that distinctive shade of brown and have been since way before the days of Mark Twain and Huck Finn.

I have the utmost respect for and even a little fear of the Mississippi.

Kung Poo (91) -- 08.12.2003

The thought of being on the receiving end of the monstrous turd is down right frightening. Hopefully it went to someone you hate, or at laest someone you don't know.

Dixie Normus (not verified) -- 08.13.2003

With the technology boom that has taken place in the 1990s, perhaps next time you may track your offering with a GPS. Maybe that should be a new contest - liberate your brown snakes at the Mississippi river headwaters in Itaska, MN and track their progress to see if any actually make it to the Gulf of Mexico.

Not sure how you might reward the winner.

Slim Jim Junkie (not verified) -- 08.13.2003

I drove over that river 10 months ago when it was NOT flooded. It still looked like a huge shitty stream.

i hate idiots (not verified) -- 08.13.2003

no shit it wasn't flooded 10 months ago... this happened in 1993... i really hate idiots

strmhalo@.aol.com is a dipshit (not verified) -- 08.13.2003

It sez 1993 at the top of the story Shyt4Branes

U R Phuctup (not verified) -- 08.14.2003

I think "i hate idiots" must hate himself as he sure doesn't read, or comprehend what he reads, very well. Slim Jim Junkie's statement simply points out that he drove over the Mississippi river 10 months ago - nowhere does he comment that it was FLOODED at that time you idiot. Perhaps "i hate idiots" can write and share a great poop story when he finally poops his head out of his ass!

Mad Shittah (76) -- 08.14.2003

In 1814 we took a little trip,

A two foot colon cobra on the mighty Miss-a-sip,

It capsized in the water and it floated down the stream,

It was last seen dressed in drag in the town of New Orleans!

Poop Maestro (not verified) -- 08.15.2003

This story should be made into a movie. But lets see some real poop, not that CGI crap!

The Shit Volcano (3741) -- 02.22.2004

Laughed my ass off!

healthy 1 (1423) -- 10.25.2006

Great story. Watch out for that butt snake if you are boating in the river. It may be back to get you next time. "Revenge of the Butt Snake".
_______
It's not nice to fool mother nature.

DungDaddy (1370) -- 11.06.2006

Cool story. I'd kinda like to see that.

The Thunderous ... (660) -- 08.03.2007

Is it really necessary to pollute the Mighty Mississippi? I mean I know the water eventually dilutes the crap bacteria and all but its bad enough you have bridges collapsing into it. Lets have just a little respect for our waterways. Its not like it was an emergency.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

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