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 The Bog MonsterPosted 05.19.2005 by The Poo (23)
In 2003, I experienced sheer hell as far as poop is concerned. I was in a military camp in which the toilets were diabolically rundown. I'm talking crap on the seat, crap on the walls, crap everywhere. Crusty, stinking crap.
My story begins on the first day at the camp. As I am not a regular shitter, I am often pleasantly surprised when I feel that tingly sensation in my bowels. However, I have this weird phobia about pooping in public places, and I wasn't best pleased when my irregular poop pattern fell on this day. Nearly running to the toilet, I burst in like Fred Flintstone. My heart soon sank. I mean Titanic sank. The crapper was as I described it before -- and what's more, I faced every feces enthusiast's nemesis: there was no toilet roll whatsoever. I checked every single cubicle (some twice!) in the hope that I would find some, but to no avail. By now my ass got a bit more urgent and the smell was fetid. But I had no toilet roll with me so I made an executive decision: I decided to wait. My butt, who was not used to this cruel abuse, disagreed with me, and the putrid gas leaking from my behind was seriously not taking any prisoners. I was properly embarrassed. What felt like an eternity went by, but eventually it was time for bed. I believed sleep was the one place my ever-approaching turd could not get me. I was wrong -- unbelievably wrong. After I fell asleep, the unthinkable happened. How, I do not know, but I woke up -- in a twelve-man room, might I add -- covered in a foul blend of corn and human shit. The runny kind. The stench. If it is possible to say, I was actually quite lucky. I woke up at least an hour before everyone else and had sufficient time to clean up the pandemonium, the bedlam that existed in my bed. After several showers, I declared myself clean; and to my sheer delight, no one was any the wiser. It really did not take long for this to pass. My story is by no means over. The next day, my martial acquaintances and I set off on a three-day exercise in which all that would exist in the shape of a toilet would be a hole in the ground. I told myself then and there that at all costs I would avoid using it. Fortunately I succeeded -- but at an expenditure. The build-up in my ass was near overflowing. I had, however, made a gain: I now had tissues to use as bog roll! Utter glee!! I knew that now was the time to pass my load -- I felt pregnant! But I still couldn't face those hideous toilets. I really couldn't. I sat with my friend Shaun and decided to confess my sins. He is a good chum and was unlikely to mock me. After a shared fit of laughter, we set about thinking of a plan to clean the toilet without coming into physical contact with it. We didn't succeed. Several hours went by and it was late. Most other people had gone to bed. That is when I felt the all-too-familiar turn in my backside. What was later nicknamed Goliath was soon to appear. I ran -- no, sprinted -- to the sordid, nauseating crappers, which had stupidly been placed at the other side of the camp from where I was. I arrived shortly, but I could literally feel turd against textiles. I was so desperate. In my scurry, I launched myself into the cubicle and plonked my ass down onto the seat. Crispy shit sticking into me. It took little effort to pass the first simple stool; and what it was holding behind it was soon to be released as well. As I defecated, I passed wind that would make a dung beetle blush. As that first long-awaited poo landed into the potty, the look of relief I know I had on my face disappeared. Jets of excessive, explosive diarrhea came surging from my anus, landing less than shyly into the unsuspecting bowl. The splashback was insane! The next few minutes were filled with the same; and remember, it might have been late, but I wasn't the only one in that room! After it had passed, I vigilantly stood up and slowly turned around. I groaned. What I saw was horrifying. I had added to the disturbing mess on the seat very badly. I had filled the bowl with a fearsome blend of porridge-like poo and ass mucus of the worst kind. What's more, that first solid ass asset was sitting on top of it like a king. One of the proudest, yet most unsettling, moments of my life. However, after four flushes, only half of this being was gone. I decided to flee. To my sheer delight, the next day I overheard rumors of a 'colossal crap' in the bog! It is now in Army Cadet Force legend. -- The Poo Post new comment
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