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Burning The Candle At Both Ends

Posted 11.13.2002 by Clustersnarf (36)
Editor's Note: This story first appeared on The PoopReport Forums.

Usually Friday nights consist of my friends coming over to the house and consuming mass quantities of beer, and last Friday was no exception. About 2 AM, a couple guys said they were hungry and decided to go to Krystals. I opted not to go, but had them bring me back a couple cheeseburgers. This was Mistake Number Three.

Mistake Number One happened the night before. I generally subsist off of a Meat and Taters diet, but I felt like some pasta. I had gone to a favorite bar and had the chicken and shrimp fettucini alfredo. The alfredo sauce was mighty rich. It went down well enough, no issues...

Mistake Number Two was Friday's dinner, a shrimp poboy and lots of beer. This was good beer, mind you, all locally brewed in Atlanta. I drink this kind of beer all the time so it usually doesn't affect me in bad ways.

I had stopped drinking around one on Friday night. After the 2 AM Krystals, I crashed.

Fast forward three hours to 5:30. I awoke with the most tremendous sickening pain in my gut. I lay in bed for a few minutes, trying to decipher which end of me was unhappy. Overwhelmingly, it felt like my lower GI was going to explode, so I decided that pooping was the culprit.

I stumbled in the dark to the bathroom. I hit the fan and the light and sat down on the throne. Almost immediately a rush of poop stormed from my bowels. The combination of rich food and the hops from the beer made for a most acrid stench... and this, of course, really set off my stomach.

I sat there for what seemed to be an eternity. As I sat, my stomach grew bound and determined to release the dogs of war. The churning and gagging had started already, and my mouth watered in anticipation of the coming flood.

I could not decide where to place this angry tide. I thought about turning around and puking on top of my poop, but I ranked that as a last resort since the stench would surely consume me and I might pass out right into a load of buttjuice. The shower was beside me to my right, a large inviting space, but I imagined that the evils within would be too much for the drain to handle. I reached to my left, behind the toilet, looking for the garbage can. DAMN! Where is it!?! Turning further to my left, I spied the sink. This was the moment of truth... reckoning day. I got up, leaned towards the sink and let it go.

It's a good thing my aim is keen when it comes to such matters. I convulsed and ejected a most heinous stream of beer, water, Krystals, and whatever else had been hanging around. But Round 3 was beginning... I quickly had to sit back down on the can and released yet another putrid load of swill. I couldn't take the scent. I reached around and gave myself a courtesy flush, but it was much too late, so I commenced to fill the sink some more.

Before long I was spent. I was dry heaving into a sink full of puke, and my sphincter was crying for quarter. I wiped my ass some more and attended to the sink. I'm not usually all that squeemish about many things, but the sink was clogged with my puke. I had one choice. I reached down and pulled up the stopper as I turned on the water.

Luckily it all went down, chunks and all. I cleaned up the remnants around the sink bowl and washed my hands, then washed my face and flushed the toilet a final time.

Washing my hands again and splashing some water on my face once more for good measure, I pulled up my boxers and wearily opened the bathroom door. I looked at the clock and it was 6:15. WOW, that was a quick 45 minutes. I dragged myself to bed, shivering, feverish and worn out.

-- Clustersnarf



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G Ras (175) -- 11.13.2002

That is what I call being wrung out... You are fortunate to be alive!!!

austingpowers (not verified) -- 11.13.2002

thiswasgreatbutmyspacebarisbroken

GDogg (not verified) -- 11.13.2002

Ugh, the dreaded bi-directional purge. You have cheated death, my son.

Phaze (23) -- 11.13.2002

After 20 minutes I would have given up on life and tried to beat myself to death with the toilet plunger. No man should ever have to deal with that.

Trashcanman (240) -- 11.13.2002

Yeah, well he's lucky...

In the forums (pre crash) I mentioned that the same thing happened, but I didn't make it, and I vomited in the bathtub and shit on the rug. I was doing it all night, and it was painful like getting smashed in a vice grip.

MadCommando (not verified) -- 11.16.2002

Man I've had bad craps, but that would suck the worst, if I were you I'd have taken a 2 hour shower. How could you go back to bed so fouled. Yeagh.

Lee (not verified) -- 11.19.2002

I have a similar experience upon my first visit to Chicago. I was staying at a girls house whom i had just met. I drank until i was no more. I awoke at 5:30 in the morning, shat, smelled my shat, then puked. back and forth for half an hour. after the episode i looked in the mirror and could barely recognize myself. my face was a distinct green shade and badly distorted. hoorah!

Mo Lestor (not verified) -- 11.22.2002

Yeah i had one experiences too. It was a hot summer night and my car broke down. Man i had walk 3 miles to the nearest gas station to unleash some major but juice. But when i reach the restroom i noticed it wouldnt come out. I go up to the cash registure guy "Need laxitive" he says last row. I reach for the last tube and without paying for it and down it.

I ran for the restroom but couldnt make it. Cleanup on isle 5.

Andy (not verified) -- 11.27.2002

Great story, there is however correct terminology for this phenomenon that I have come up with, it's called "Pinwheeling."

Chuck (not verified) -- 12.04.2002

One of the blesssings (and curses) of living in the South is Krystals. Since you live in Atlanta, try The Varsity onion rings as a precursor to a night of making toilet tea.

Once I had the flu and experienced the two large exits hatches at full fury. After the ordeal, I could have shined a flashlight down my throat and a light beam would have come out my ass.

Chan (19) -- 12.23.2002

After eating several sleeves of white fudge covered Oreos I did the same thing at my grandparents house.

Stacie Nicole (not verified) -- 01.18.2003

Poop and Beer go together like two peas in a pod!! Binge Drinking is a big part of my roommates and my life....last nite was no exception! Beer Beer and more Beer. This morning I Awoke with the urge to release evil butt critters. Running to the bathroom I released, but it was not critters it was a pure liquid substance comin out of my Azz! I finished and turn to confront this mystery liquid. The mystery was solved I SHYT BEER!!!!

Tmoff (not verified) -- 04.20.2003

Reminds me of the time I had the stomach flu. There's nothing like spraying liquid poop into the toilet and puking into a trashcan at the same time.

mrpoop (not verified) -- 10.22.2003

i once had a experence like that but it involved a police car,a bunch of vodka ,and wendys

nunyabizz (not verified) -- 11.10.2003

mrpoop i'm kinda curious as to what part a cop car played in your story....

pooofortoiletfoo (not verified) -- 11.10.2003

Puking and shitting at the same time: Double ender!!!

poopmagick (not verified) -- 11.10.2003

I've always refered to this activity as the Screaming Double Enders. My ex boyfriend and I had that one weekend, we must have had a bug or something. Thankfully, I never had to poo or puke at the same time he was. It was a horrible weekend, it took a week for the bathroom to air out.

Slim Jim Junkie (not verified) -- 11.10.2003

Toilet tea?!

Butt critters?!

I love all the words invented here.

doniker (1535) -- 11.10.2003

It's been along time since I experienced such an event (knock on wood)
Usually what I barf up I have a hard time eating again in the future.

The Shit Volcano (3740) -- 11.10.2003

Yeah, I hear you there! I haven't had Salibury steak since I saw it half digested in an old cookie tin.

Lady Ballbuster (not verified) -- 11.10.2003

Poor devil...I had the same thing during a bout of food poisoning earlier this year. Only difference was, I was in ER, and the bitches wouldn't even help me clean up. They gave me this teensy little pan to puke in, and a lousy bedpan for the torrent coming out the other end. The skanky ho's left me here for two hours, sitting in my own wastes. I couldn't even go to the bathroom because it was too far away. (Real clever of them, putting a patient with vomiting and diarrhea farthest away from the crapper on that floor.)

Aside from my fervent wish that all those "nurses" ends up rotting in hell, up to their nostrils in stale vomit and puke...I also extend my sympathies to Clustersnarf, and anyone else who's endured the sluices opening up at both ends. Definitely one of life's most sucky experiences.

colty cakes (5) -- 11.13.2005

that sucks big time i hate that when that kinda thing happens good thing you didnt have to turn around to puke in the can

healthy 1 (1426) -- 09.26.2006

Are you sure you didn't have any bagged spinach? It sounds like you ate something bad.
_______
Jammin' lo'flo's since 1977.

DungDaddy (1386) -- 10.22.2006

I read about this all the time on PR. I've never had it at both ends, and am glad of it.

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