what a trip, I was at K-mart yesterday buying a new electric can opener and oven mits.

I did feel the urge to shit...but my shameful ass waited till I got home.

well, scratch that off the list of "things poopreporters have wiped with." An oven mitt- that reminds me, I need to buy some as well, I can't find mine.

Wow...a truly inspiring one of a kind shit tale...almost makes me want to rush to a homeless shelters cafeteria and eat leftovers and see what I can create with them...

Dude, I dont know what I would do if I was the poor person that had to clean that shit (sorry no pun intended) up!!

hey, it's their fault for not keeping a nicer bathroom for their valued customers. it ain't like you would've done it if there had been TP, right?

right???

i had friends in college that had a whole contingency plan for asswipe. they'd start at the top of the list and move down as the previous item ran out. as best i can recall, it went something like this:

1) TP

2) kleenex

3) paper towel/napkin

4) fabric softener sheets

if i had to add a 5th item, after reading this it would definitely be "oven mit".

Che

che, fabric softener sheets? those things itch like a bitch! I wouldn't want one touching my skin, especially my anus! are your friends just morons? or were they desperate?

I'd go (*denotes I've done it at least once)

1)TP*

2)shower jet*

3)shower w/washcloth*

4)kleenex*

5)paper towel/napkin*

6)socks

7)towels

8)hot pads/oven mits/placemats

9)soap and hand in shower*

10)underwear/overshirts

11)pants/tee shirts

12)papers/documents*

13)newspaper

14)paper money

15)bare hands

good

Use one of those old style asbestos lined oven mits. Ooh, comfy!!

I've never heard of using dryer sheets, but my roomate once made do with coffee filters. He said they did a pretty good job.

MOSS you should add MOSS to that list of things to wipe your ass with. when camping it has saved me on many occasions.

I once saw a pair of women's panties at gas station that were covered in shit. I think they were substitued as TP cause the crap was all over them....not just in the back like someone had an accident.

If you have a basset hound and have an emergency shit in the woods and can't find moss or other likely agent such as large maple leaves, use the basset hound's ears, they are soft and velvety and big, you can then give him a bath when you get home and he probably won't mind, dogs like to sniff shit.

good one.

My oven mitts are so burnt-through all the linty stuffing would probably stick to my moist inner cheeks if I were to ...

This one wasn't my fault--not really, the intentions were good.

I was at my friend's workplace, and had to relieve, what else? Hershey squirts!--hence my handle.

Well, the TP was all but gone, so I figured I'd use the paper towels there.

1 sheet, 2 sheets, five sheets...

Being one of those ciphon-jet, tankless models, there was a loud bow-wooosh, and I thought all my troubles were far behind me;

that is, until the roar stopped, or rather, morphed into a gloppa gloppa gloop!

The toilet was backing up, big time.

It was also impacting or compacting the non-digestible towels into a big ball, somewhere down the pipes.

The mechanism chose that moment to NOT stop running.

So, that's what I did. Run!

EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Excellent.

That whole basset hound thing was by far the best example of animal-poop-creulty I have ever heard. At least you didn't wipe with the whole basset hound.

My god, has nobody ever used the toilet paper core itself?? It's stiff enough to get some good wipe action and you can use two sides!! I wouldn't try for three unless you rip it open and use the inside.

I think a website devoted to poop is the coolest thing in the world.

Lesson:

never leave without an oven mit and a basset hound.

Hahaha, what if it had been that talking oven mitt on today's Arby's commercials?

I was in a J.C Penny store once, and there, befor the restrooms, was a manakin women in full dress, including a wig. I had entered the stalls to leave my typical charlie brown, and after 5 minutes of my rectum protesting with the size of the big fucking peice of shit squeezing out my ass, I realized, that unfortunately for me, there was no toilet paper. I thought of many things... and came to the conclusion to use the wig off the manakin JUST outside the mens restroom... now, the store near closing time, I was hoping there wasn't anyone that would see me. I dashed out with my hand clutching the back of my pants to keep from leaving a racing streak on them, pulled out and away from my very-needing-to-be-wiped-ass, and grabbed the wig, running back in. Yes, I indeed wiped with the wig... unpleasant sensaton, but I must say, that the many individual hair folicles did a splendid job of wip... er... scratching all the fecal fun-ness from my shpincter.

I now "bomb Pearl Harbor" befor I go to the mall, to prevent having to bomb (hopefully) while I am there. :/

I farted once on the set of "Blue Lagoon".

I think this could qualify as turd terrorism.

Good story. I was laughing out loud, picturing you wiping yourself with an oven mit.
_______
I am winter's hurricane, I am the great blizzard of 1899, and no body shall be exempt from my wrath.

A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods. The bear asks "Hey Buddy, do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"
"I never have that problem, Friend Bear." the rabbit replies, shaking his tail to clear the last neat pellet.
"GREAT!!!" The bear grabs the rabbit by the scruff of the neck and WIPES!!!

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

OMG. Where's Dumpster? That joke definitely belongs in his repertoire!

Thanks for that one. :)

The story was ok....RoboCrap13's joke was much funnier!!!!! Thanks RC13.
Producing waste since 1967

Thanks ladies. I have a million of them...

By the way, the Arby's Oven Mitt would probably have puked all over your butt and cause you a bigger mess to clean up!
And he would have been screaming "No, Roseanne, anything but that!!"
(Tom Arnold voiced the Mitt.)

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Hmmm never thought of that one but THANK GOD you did. I love an inventive woman! Love the jokes Robo.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

Thunderous... I'm a dude, dude.

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

I believe Thunderous was referring to Heather as "inventive woman" and was separately telling Robo he enjoyed his jokes. Anyhoo- I actually LOL at the computer when I read Trashcanman's list-and I never LOL.Seriously.

Mea culpa, mea culpa... pass me another bog roll, mate.

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....