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Bump and Grime

Posted 09.26.2004 by Miguel Del Diablo (10)
Okay. I'm sitting here at work in my slacks with no underwear on. Is it because I'm some swingin' dude who likes to keep porn star ready? Is it because I'm a cheap bastard who thinks if people can't see 'em, what's the point of wasting money on 'em? Or is it because as I was riding my bike into work today I hit a bump and shit myself?

BINGO!

Okay. A little history. I am thirty years old, I have a healthy diet, and I am a regular shit machine. My morning movements usually come in three stages:

6:10 AM. The Log. This is your standard eight-to-twelve incher, sometimes J shaped as it curls into itself once it hits the bowl; it's made up of yesterday's lunch.

6:35 AM. Wet Evacuation. This is all the leafy greens and apples I ate the night previous. It comes out almost like a light, fibrous diarrhea, but without the annoying burn. It's a satisfying shit to say the least -- it leaves the colon feeling empty and clean. It's a bowel churner though, and not a shit that you can hold off on -- when it wants out, it comes out!

8:45 AM. Time-to-start-my-shitty-day shit. This is the turd I leave when I first get to work. I'm not sure of its source -- I think it might be my body spitting out whatever waste it can gather in protest of my job. This shit, while stinky, is rather unremarkable in appearance.

On to my story. I ride my bike to work every day. It's an eighteen-kilometer trek, most of it down a scenic valley path. This morning I was in a total rush to get out the door -- since I knew it was going to be a slow day, I wanted to stop along the bike path and smoke a small joint on my way in.

I left the house at about 6:20 AM, not even thinking of the daily Wet Evacuation as I started towards the path. Only about three kilometers into my ride, I decided to stop to enjoy my pre-rolled masterpiece.

Now let me say this: I am not advocating drug use of any sort. It's wrong and you will be punished for it. I was.

Anyhow, I was sitting by the river and it was about 6:30ish. Anyone who smokes cigarettes can tell you that they can sometimes work like a laxative. Weed is the same way for me -- I take a few drags and I feel my abdomen begin to churn; I can hear the gas chortling through me as last night's leafy greens turn the corner into my colon. I stood erect -- quickly -- and clinched my butt cheeks together. Good old clinchy, it's never let me down!

I stood there like that for five minutes, hoping the shit recedes back into wherever shit recedes to when you hold it long enough. Finally I felt the pressure subside and I was good to go... or so I thought.

I hopped back on my bike to continue my trek to the shop when, in my semi-stoned state, I hit a bump. Instantly my bike seat jammed up hard against my ass and blam-o! -- turd goes everywhere.

It was an immediate evacuation. About a quart of light brown fluid and spongy poo bits flushed from me, through my already-thinning underwear and out both legs of my baggy shorts. It was warm and smelled of garlic. I pulled to the side of the path and laughed -- well, it was funny! -- and did the best I could to clean myself up. Luckily I bring a change of clothes for work in a sidesaddle; unluckily, the zipper was partway open and some liquid turd made its way on to my change of undies.

I ended up riding in sans underwear in shit-stained shorts. I arrived before everyone else and got changed. The whole area around my office stinks, though I have the shitty shorts wrapped up in a plastic bag and stuffed under my desk. Someone is bound to say something! HA! And now I've got to wait until everyone leaves before I can go because I don't want them to see my shame. Oh well -- at least if I meet some hot broad on the way to the washroom and she invites me in I can be all John Holmes-like (minus the huge wang) and pull out my schlong unencumbered by my gitch.

-- Miguel Del Diablo



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The Holy Shitter (157) -- 09.26.2004

This story reads like an 8th graders book report. Entertaining, yet not intellectually stimulating.

First post rules, Bitches.

G Ras (162) -- 09.26.2004

Dude, Your story cracked me up.... the "schlong unencumbered by my gitch" line made me blow Raisin Bran all over my LCD. I am putting my bicycle on eBay as soon as I get to work. Thanks for the days first laugh. Pieces.... G Ras

Mike Reynolds (not verified) -- 09.26.2004

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving" - Albert Einstein

"Where there is a stink of shit there is a smell of being" - Antonin Artaud

Turtle Head (53) -- 09.26.2004

I like the porn references...This was one of the first stories in a while that made me crack up.

H R Poopnsquirt (not verified) -- 09.26.2004

I think a good way of getting rid of the annoying "First Post" posts would be to adopt Fark.com's approach. There, any post that includes the phrase "first post" alters that phrase to "boobies" and timewarps the message twelve hours into the future, thus ensuring it isn't the first post.

Mr. Mackey (not verified) -- 09.26.2004

You shouldn't smoke marijuana, mmmkay? Drugs are bad, mmmkay?

Mike Reynolds (not verified) -- 09.26.2004

I agree with H.R. Poopnsquirt - the "first post" announcements are tired and lame. It's pretty easy to create a script to check for those words before submitting.

Uncle Chunk (not verified) -- 09.26.2004

I found the part about the extra change of clothes complete with underwear that is always carried on the bike hard to believe. Why would anybody pack an extra pair of underwear? Have you fallen into the river before while you were smoking your joint and ever since have had to bring extra clothes in case such incident occurs again? I must say that I also poop whenever I get to work. I poop in all stressful situations or when I am doing something I know I shouldnt be doing, like snooping around in someone's things, I will get a form of soft diarreah that does not burn. Happens every morning at work for some reason. Cant explain it.

Dr. Jughead (not verified) -- 09.26.2004

According to studies underway at the institute, first post, in fact, does not rule. We find it likely the poster wishes to compensate for an underdeveloped something, which we'll leave up to the readers.

Most of these WWW trolls are fat and stuck to their computer hoping to delight with their zany first post antics. Yet, in the end, they die lonely and pitiful, and most definitely not intellectually stimulating.

Until next time, keep your turds in the John, and your hands off your mom.

~Dr. Jughead

Chuck (not verified) -- 09.26.2004

Blessed is he who will laugh at himself, for he will always be amused. I am glad you found humor in your dilemma. Somehow in the recesses of my mind I hear that cheesy electric guitar track that precedes an adult movie congress.

daphne (3512) -- 09.26.2004

You should not feel guilty for smoking a joint if eating deep fried fatty foods, processed flour foods, high cholesterol meats, and having cow's milk in your refridgerator doesn't bother you.

Good God man, it's pot!!!

Good story, too. Enjoy your bike, enjoy your ganja, and carry some fresh underwear.

ThreePly (not verified) -- 09.27.2004

I always heard that riding a bike will loosen the stool. For a guy that takes three shits in one morning, you shoulda known better.

I'm glad you didn't, though. The story made it all worth the while. Primo, my friend.

Turd Burglar (84) -- 09.27.2004

THIS post rules!!!!!

LOL
ROFL
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!

The Shit Volcano (3737) -- 09.27.2004

I'm too tired to think of anything witty today. So I'll say, ditto Turd Burglar. Except on the post thing. That's getting old.

daphne (3512) -- 09.27.2004

Yes, "can I buy a vowel?"

But, I do like Turd Burgular.

LadyGastro (not verified) -- 09.28.2004

Wow... three movements before 9am?! remarkable.
I have heard of lots of men folk who are gifted
in this way... but I (and most other females I have asked) have yet to fnd a way to "harness" these powers of pre-work pooping goodness.
Gentlemen... suggestions for the ladies?

poopprincess (not verified) -- 02.16.2005

HI its me.. turd burgler I LUV ur name
I think the whole 1st post thing is fun and damn who ever wishs to complain about it. Being human it is naturally to be competitive . As natural as pooping...lighten up ..

Poonanza (55) -- 09.20.2006

He did say he carried the clothes for his work. Maybe he does physical stuff and needs cleans at the end of the day.

Poop Shooter (597) -- 09.20.2006

I still think it's strange someone has to poop 3 times before 8:45AM. Why not just sit on the pot an extra few minutes and get it all out in one shot?? I mean, isn't that what the National Enquirer is made for?


_______
Poop Shooter!

Miss Simone Scat (570) -- 10.09.2007

I too have an extra pair of panties at work. For JUST IN CASE shituations. It's a good idea for anyone who suffers from IBS.
Producing waste since 1967

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