Oh, I was about 14 when it happened. A beautiful, crisp, dewy Michigan morning. Except with the fact I had to go to school, all was right with the world. As I stared at the window at the pale blue crest of the sunrise, I felt this was one day I could live forever. After snacking on breakfast, which was always composed of a bowl of cereal or a doughnut or some other carb-filled fiber-packed slab of sustenance, I headed out to the bus stop. After walking about a quarter mile I noticed a rumble in my intestines. I stopped, thought for a second (yes, bowel sounds make me think), and carried on my way.
It happened again. The rumble intensified and a slight squeal of gasses escaped from my abdomen. This time I had to grab my stomach and crouch over until the pain subsided. I finally reached the bus stop and waited for my friend to arrive. He and some other kids showed up, and as we talked and laughed I wearily kept the pain hidden. I figured I could carry on till the bus arrives and endure an hour's worth of waiting on a shaky, rattling hell-wagon of -- oh shit, there it was again.
I made a false excuse about needing to puke or something and proceeded to jog back to my house. For another whole mile. I swear to god, I NEVER had to go so badly. I got to the bend of the road. The halfway mark! I could make it! *Grrrrr-blph!* No! I had to run. I'd never be able to go through with shitting myself and trudging a half-mile to my house.
I made to my yard while chanting "Oh, shit!, Oh, fuck!" I burst into the house only to be met by my cats, who were always fascinated with human stenches. The closest bathroom was in my mother's room. I dropped my backpack and started to run while I stripped myself of my jacket, my pants, and my boxers -- *whump!*
CAT! The oldest, most senile cat I had was in my way, begging for attention... I tried to get up... the poor cat... I released a torrent of sonic-shit upon it.
It ran off, tracking my crap throughout the house.
Well... I didn't have to go anymore! I cleaned myself up and called my mom, who, always on the light and dark of things, screamed at me while laughing her ass off. I only knew too well every relative and friend she could come up with would hear of this.
-- Flax Reemus
