Poop Chute

// // 52 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
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In my last posting, I explained how, as an IBS sufferer, I have identified (and probably visited) just about every possible place to stop and poop in the city in which I live. But what do you do when that enormous database is useless? What do you do when -- God forbid -- you're in unscouted territory?

Let's take a look.

A professor had invited me and a number of my classmates down to his house for Texas chili. I liked the guy and, even though I was going skiing the next day, I figured, "Why not?" Free food is good food in the eyes of most graduate students, and it would be a nice, relaxing change of pace.

As an IBS sufferer, I was not unaware that I was incurring some risk by eating bean-laden chili the night before a road trip. (IBS does this to you. Every decision, no matter how small, must be considered in light of the question, "What if I gotta go BAD?" Thus, chili eating is a rather larger decision for IBS sufferers.) But I blithely decided that my IBS just wasn't going to control my life, and I headed down to this guy's house with a sense of merry optimism.

What can I say? This chili was absolutely the most delicious, hearty, spicy, bean-laden, wonderful thing I had ever put in my mouth. Words cannot capture it, and one bowl was far from enough. I had two bowls -- with cheese. And another two bowls. Then another. Then, even though I wasn't hungry anymore, I had another two bowls just because I liked it so much, easing each one down with a cold beer and some black bean nachos. I left stuffed, happy, and not a little buzzed.

The next morning, with no apparent pooping activity on the horizon, I drove up to the apartment complex where I was meeting my friends. The idea was that my friend Burt and I would drive this gaggle of Brazilian women (who were on exchange at our school) up to a ski resort, where we would spend the day. I was aware that I would probably need to poop (the pump, I knew, was well and truly primed), so I had already thought up some excuses for why I had to drive in case I had to stop and go.

When I got to their apartment (Burt hadn't arrived yet) the Brazilians were all getting ready. Suddenly, I felt a pang. Nothing drastic; just a little tweak, letting me know that some advance planning might be in order. No problem, I thought. I'll just wait until the bathroom -- which could only be accessed through the bedroom -- is vacated. I settled down, picked up a magazine, and kept my eye on the bedroom door.

It was a comedy of bathroom occupation. As soon as one was out, another was in. If the bathroom were unoccupied, then somebody would be changing in the bedroom. I felt like Tantalus as sweet relief from an increasingly uncomfortable situation was constantly snatched away at the last instant. "Oh, so sorry Paxton, I know you have to go but Mariazinha will just be a minute longer." Click. And on and on as I shifted and turned down offers of assorted warm, caffeinated beverages.

I decided that the smart move at that point was to deal with a critical situation before it became a crisis (IBS sufferers know what I'm talking about). I stepped out of their front door and went down to the pool area. Nope, no bathroom. How about the game room? No, locked. All right, what about the management office? No luck. They are closed on Sunday mornings.

I smiled grimly. The lifetime score was Long and Pointy: 839, IBS: 0; and I wasn't about to give IBS point number one that day.

All this walking had stirred the pot, and I was nearing that critical-situation-becomes-a-crisis inflection point. I hobbled back to the apartment to see if the head was available. No. I was on my own.

Suddenly those umpteen bowls of chili decided to make a break for daylight. My knees buckled and I clamped my cheeks in a frantic only-chance-left kind way; this was General Santa Ana vs. The Alamo, but this time The Alamo was going to win. I stumbled out the door, knowing that I had to come up with something fast.

On a hunch that I think came from a kind of bathroom RADAR (call it BRADAR) developed after years of similar situations, I headed to a trash chute room that I had noticed earlier. There it was! A closed space, a tall trash can with a bag in it, and a chute.

But could I do it? There was no lock! If somebody caught me crapping their apartment building, I had no doubt that the cops would be called, and I would be considered the in-house laughingstock (or worse) of my department. No lock, but no other options, either. I took the trashcan, leaned it up against the door to buy time in case somebody came knocking, and dropped trou.

The result, in both volume and consistency, looked like aftermath of a bomb attack on the consolidated manufacturing facility of Hershey's Chocolate Syrup. I am to this day convinced that I must have been massively constipated for at least a week before this event; and that not only did the chili, nachos, and beer come out, but it pushed a week's worth of junk food out along with it. I looked into the trashcan (where there was a bag, thank God) and I swear my contribution to the cause was two inches deep across the entire bottom of the can. I was actually kind of proud, despite the traumatic circumstances.

I quickly tied off the bag, sent it down the chute, and went back to my friends' apartment. Not even their suspicious questions about where the hell I had been could disturb my sense of physical and mental relief.

-- Long and Pointy

52 Comments on "Poop Chute"

General Colon Pow's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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What did you wipe with?

And why couldn't you just say to the Brazilian girls "Excuse me, I have to nuke your bathroom"?

If it's any consolation though....thanks to the mention of the good chili, I'll be cooking Mexican food tonight!

the real kenny's picture
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Yummy,yummy,yummy, for the tummy, hershey squirt syrup.

mimi's picture
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Holy Shitter,

it is NOT just commenting when you make harsh, judgemental, opinionated statements. the fact that you could say what you say with respect, courtesy, and maybe even class or kindness, which the latter is supposedly a trait jesus had, but choose not to, shows that they are not just comments. they are not just passing thoughts.
they, are in effect, attacks, and you, i am beginning to think, actually don't realize what you sound like to other people. after reading the forums as a guest, i think you not only are clueless as to how much you insult people, but you fight the possiblity for fear of having to apologize. that's not very christian at all.

The Holy Shitter's picture
l 100+ points
0
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*yawn*

Why do you assume that I don't know how I sound? I know exactly how I sound and choose to sound that way.

Kind of like this one: I knew I would say this too - Your point is as ridiculous as your grammar.

Go away, lurker.

mimi's picture
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aside from the fact that i don't like to use the caps key because of some arthritis, my grammar seems fine.
my point is well made and reasonably polite. the fact that you say it's pointless actually proves my point. you think there is nothing wrong with how rude you are.
oh, i almost forgot. it is interesting to be told to go away by someone who hasn't been around very long. now i see why so many veteran poop reporters don't like you.

Long and Pointy's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Hi, Folks: Sorry you didn't like the story and sorry to set off such a colossal flame war. Good Grief!

To those who are interested, I was still at the apartment complex. What did I wipe with? Good question. The fact is, I don't remember. It's been a number of years since this happened.

As for the flame war, can't we all just relax and try just try to have some laughs about what can be a pretty funny subject? And leave the obscene and insulting comments out?

Deuce Fan's picture
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Mimi..go post your religious rhetoric on CBN.com. Im sure patterson will enjoy it. Your religios overtones are quite boring. Tell me... in acient Greco times, there was a man who has been accounted to curing the blind, turning water into wine and raised the dead...Know his name (answer are bottom of post)
furthermore, You dont even make a point...besides the only point we are interested to hearing is at the end of one of your brown snakes...

His name was Appollonius of Tyana...lived the same time as Jesus..but he was said to be only a magician...hmmm...yet jesus was the son of god..interesting.
Leave it in church old hag.

Slim Jim Junkie's picture
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At one time, I thought The Holy Shitter was just another non-to-mildly religious person, and got the idea for his name from hearing "Holy Shit" more than a million times.

The Holy Shitter's picture
l 100+ points
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And now what do you think?

General Colon Pow's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
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Hey...it wasn't a bad story though. And the fact that you didn't incite Doniker to accuse you of making it up, says something!

Lets all have fun here, folks! That's what this site is about. If we can't let our hair down and have some fun on a poop forum...we are of all men most miserable!

the real kenny's picture
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Oh!ah,ah,ah,ah,aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh, BIG CHEESE Where have you bean I've bean searching and searching fore thee and now your going to let your hair down for meeeeeee..................

dookie dog's picture
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Deuce go suck on a cummy turd.

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points
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http://www.poopreport.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=2423

Deuce Fan's picture
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*SLURP*

General Colon Pow's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Awwww, Kenny! I meant "Let a hairy turd down"....just for you to masterfully manipulate, with your long vicarious snake....pushing it, pushing it through the chute....just like when you drop the soap in the prison shower!

Long and Pointy's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Guys, come on. The Report is supposed to be about some yuks and having a good laugh. Can we please the disgusting insults off starting immediately?

As for Mimi, thank you for being a voice of reason, even if religious arguments are never won on the basis of fact. (The only way to win is to irritte the other person first.)

Let's try to keep it positive and funny, huh?

Skid Marky Mark's picture
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Yo, L&P, I can't believe you was going to drop a P-bomb in the crapper with those luscious Brazilian bizznitches around. Weren't you afraid they'd bolt if you unleashed a demon in there? Man, those Brazilian chicks be walking F-machines, knowwhatI'msayin? I'd be looking at laying a different kind of pipe with them shorties around. You gots to REPRESENT, bro, if you wants the Brazilian snatch, and poopin' ain't representin', yo.

Keepin' it real; Skidster out.

Slim Jim Junkie's picture
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Well, THS, I now understand that it really was for religious purposes.

Deuce Fan's picture
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i didnt follow where you were...the ski resort or your apartment? very poorly written, not very exciting.

the story was as lame as a Tydirium post.

Rob D. Troit's picture
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The hiatus is over. I return to power. Deuce forever. First post rules.

The Holy Shitter's picture
l 100+ points
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Dumb post. Dave must be getting light on material.

Second post sucks.

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points
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Wow, THS, it didn't take long for you to join the ranks of the complainers.

"Dave, with all the time and energy you put into this site to give us free entertainment, you really owe us big."

the shit reaper's picture
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"The result, in both volume and consistency, looked like aftermath of a bomb attack on the consolidated manufacturing facility of Hershey's Chocolate Syrup" HAHAHAHAHA maaaaaaaan, I bet it STUNK!
"B.R.A.D.A.R."

The Holy Shitter's picture
l 100+ points
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No way, that wasn't aimed at Dave at all! Dave is the man! It was more aimed at the poop reporters, myself included.

I totally appreciate Dave's work and all, I just said that the reservoir of material must be getting shallow if he has to let a lame post like this through.

Not complaining, just commenting. I will do my part by submitting a thoughful, well written piece of poopreporting.

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points
0
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there's got to be a better name for bathroom radar. GoDAR? SprayDAR?

The Holy Shitter's picture
l 100+ points
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PS - I'm sorry, after rereading this post, I just have to say, everything about it sucks.

BRADAR? - how lame.

C Everett Poop's picture
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It would have been better if you had blown mud in one of the Brazilian girl's suitcases and shut it.

Saints Alive's picture
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Holy Shitter:

You're talking a big game there, fellah. Can you back it up or are you all mouth and no ass?

Speaking for the silent majority, I'll simply say that we'll all look forward to seeing if you really can come up with a "thoughtful, well written piece of poopreporting," esp. as it would be such a refreshing change from your usual dreck here and elsewhere.

The Holy Shitter's picture
l 100+ points
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Saints: I am immune to your disdain.

Saints Alive's picture
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The clock's ticking, THS. Why don't you stop complaining and start reporting? It's easy to be QB when you're sitting in the stands.

As for the story, I might add, I thought it was well-written and absolutely hilarious.

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points
0
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In THS's defense, he does have two good stories already. Visit http://www.poopreport.com/Archive/archive.html to see them.

i'm sorry i started this flame war. it's gotten lame.

dookie dog's picture
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! GOD.

mimi's picture
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i don't understand what makes you all think i'm religious. i merely pointed out that the holy shitter does not behave like he is, either.
and deuce fan, i am not a church hag, but you are close. i am a retired second grade teacher, and this website happens to make me laugh.

Long and Pointy's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Mimi, you are a voice of sanity. And now I'm wondering if you were MY second grade teacher...

dookie dog's picture
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Mimi, I like your comments I wasn't critizing you.

Deuce Fan's picture
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elementary education.. Easiest degree to obtain at any school.. You did have to get a degree right? This is a Rhetorical question...if you arent a church hag, then why bring up the religious aspect , esp on a poop website? We get enough of that shoved down our throats in everyday life...please dont bring it into this forum....everyone agree?

Emu's picture
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Sidestepping the flame war/group hug completely, this story has a great scenerio, (great as in "sucks to be you," which is the best kind of scenerio.) 7/10, minus one point for some somewhat lame humor. Tough but fair, I think.

Torrid Hammerstein's picture
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PEACE IN THE POOPCHUTE

mimi's picture
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dear deuce fan,
i only brought up the religious point because the holy shitter seems to be religiously dedicated in his life. he says he does healings. i think it's a bit bizarre to be so gifted and yet so callous. that is all.

personally, i attend church from time to time, but i never could stand all the banter about going to hell. hell is reading the evening paper and finding two of your students have been arrested for narcotic possession. i meant to bring no one down, nor to preach to the shitter. i think he should be more respectful of others.
i do still sound like a teacher.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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I'm glad that Long and Pointy finally clued us in to a chute poop. Those two words are usually the other way around!!!

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Toward Heaven's picture
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HALLELLUYAH!!!!

st peter's picture
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You all need a celestial spanking.

Laugh at this or I'll send thunderclouds of frogs down upon you.

Holy Shitter, be nice or else. You really are mean.

Mimi, smoke something for that Glaucoma and get a grip. Go to Miami or Hawaii and get your groove back.

Deuce, you are such a bitch. Steal the rest of MImi's dope when she leaves town.

Good God, leave this story to what it is!!!!

the real kenny's picture
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St.Peter, If no one else wants their spankings can I have them? All at the same time? The battery cables on my ding is getting kind of old.

Deuce Fan's picture
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that made Zero sense...not even worth the bytes.
"good god..." just leave

the real kenny's picture
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But Deuce, I think I love you...

Deuce Fan's picture
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KENNY? That wasnt meant for you...you know i want brown canal as I am a rectum invader!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Damn! What a zoo!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

???'s picture
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can't we all get along?

Padam Mody's picture
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I've been in this kind of situation and had to shit in a dress closet.

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points
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Just think of teh janitor emtying that 1-ply bag and it rips, spewing 3-month-old waste all over himself.

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Dude, did you light a match after you befouled their poop-room? That's the key question. Man, you must really leave a stinky present. Damn.

snap crappel poop's picture
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you people make me laugh.after a day of dealing with a shitt world,i can come home and laugh about shit.you all keep a crapping and a snapping on each other god bless you.