Editor's note: This appeared on the forums yesterday. Well worth sharing, I felt.
Well I am new to this forum but as a professional "Potty Procrastinator" I feel
I can add VOLUMES of MATTER to this subject !! I suffer from chronic pain and take
200mg of morphine every 8 hrs.. .and as any of you "lightweights" that have had to
take Vicodin for any length of time can attest, turds can become rather "stiff".
It is not unusual for me to go 2 to 3 weeks w/o a b/m!! I have turds as hard as
depleted uranium and with the diameter of a 4yr old child's arm. Visits to the toilet
have become long and laborious. From time to time I have brought a sandwich in
with me. Sometimes I feel as though I am a prisoner to my bathroom and my toilet
seat has become the "Chair De Sade".
Having shit impacted past my chest cavity forces me to grunt so hard I blow snot at
such a high velocity that it raises welts on my legs and if my boogers are dry they
can break the skin. The doctor has warned me that the veins on the side of my head
have become enlarged due to abnormally long grunts and I may suffer an aneurysm if
I don't keep the grunts short and rapid (similar to child birth). Also a double
retinal detachment is a fear although I am only cross eyed right now!! I wear
straps for my glasses so if my eyes bug out too far my glasses won't fall in my
The Anus is a wonderful muscle and can accommodate a multitude of sizes and
shapes (as any good hooker will tell you) and believe me I have trained mine to
deal with most, But as Jesus Christ our Lord will tell you there are just some
"poopies" that would rather stay embedded in our rectum. I use the "Rocking method"
quite often... kind of sneak up on the "poopie" and trick it into the bowl.
Unfortunately some require manual manipulation . I've used rubber gloves and tried
to break them off, but "poopies" the consistency of chipboard are difficult at best
and feel like a golf shoe is stuck in my ass. I have been on the john with a bloody
latex glove and tears streaming down my face with what I considered a desk globe
stuck in my ass... screaming at my wife who is running around the house gathering up
various items I think might extract the "poop". A corkscrew might work on turds
with an attitude but I haven't had to go to that level yet.
If I get a decent amount of fiber in my diet I can look forward to what I call my
"Monkey tail." These I find enjoyable -- compared to what I normally have to deal with!! I
have had a good 3 footer drop from my ass but my wife made me stop measuring them
since one slapped me on the back of my knees and fell on the bathroom scale. Now
the pleasure I get from them is flushing at about 2 feet... sorta like the hand of God
tugging at my insides. That's about as spiritual as I get although I do catch
myself screaming "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..."
-- G Ras
Like G Ras? He's featured in The Journal of Ass Production!