l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Editor's note: This appeared on the forums yesterday. Well worth sharing, I felt.

Well I am new to this forum but as a professional "Potty Procrastinator" I feel
I can add VOLUMES of MATTER to this subject !! I suffer from chronic pain and take
200mg of morphine every 8 hrs.. .and as any of you "lightweights" that have had to
take Vicodin for any length of time can attest, turds can become rather "stiff".
It is not unusual for me to go 2 to 3 weeks w/o a b/m!! I have turds as hard as
depleted uranium and with the diameter of a 4yr old child's arm. Visits to the toilet
have become long and laborious. From time to time I have brought a sandwich in
with me. Sometimes I feel as though I am a prisoner to my bathroom and my toilet
seat has become the "Chair De Sade".

Having shit impacted past my chest cavity forces me to grunt so hard I blow snot at
such a high velocity that it raises welts on my legs and if my boogers are dry they
can break the skin. The doctor has warned me that the veins on the side of my head
have become enlarged due to abnormally long grunts and I may suffer an aneurysm if
I don't keep the grunts short and rapid (similar to child birth). Also a double
retinal detachment is a fear although I am only cross eyed right now!! I wear
straps for my glasses so if my eyes bug out too far my glasses won't fall in my

The Anus is a wonderful muscle and can accommodate a multitude of sizes and
shapes (as any good hooker will tell you) and believe me I have trained mine to
deal with most, But as Jesus Christ our Lord will tell you there are just some
"poopies" that would rather stay embedded in our rectum. I use the "Rocking method"
quite often... kind of sneak up on the "poopie" and trick it into the bowl.

Unfortunately some require manual manipulation . I've used rubber gloves and tried
to break them off, but "poopies" the consistency of chipboard are difficult at best
and feel like a golf shoe is stuck in my ass. I have been on the john with a bloody
latex glove and tears streaming down my face with what I considered a desk globe
stuck in my ass... screaming at my wife who is running around the house gathering up
various items I think might extract the "poop". A corkscrew might work on turds
with an attitude but I haven't had to go to that level yet.

If I get a decent amount of fiber in my diet I can look forward to what I call my
"Monkey tail." These I find enjoyable -- compared to what I normally have to deal with!! I
have had a good 3 footer drop from my ass but my wife made me stop measuring them
since one slapped me on the back of my knees and fell on the bathroom scale. Now
the pleasure I get from them is flushing at about 2 feet... sorta like the hand of God
tugging at my insides. That's about as spiritual as I get although I do catch
myself screaming "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..."


-- G Ras

Like G Ras? He's featured in The Journal of Ass Production!

66 Comments on "Constipation."

Chip Brown's picture

Without a doubt, this is the best piece of literature I have ever read. Pulitzer, Pulitzer, Pulitzer!!!

Pete Pooperman's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I am not worthy. This is indeed some of the best gruntwork I have ever read. I think it deserves a hefty applause and even a standing ovation...unless you're on the breadbasin, then just give a wave instead. I think someone with artistic ability should bring this herald of pooping pain to life in comic or computer graphics form. I'm sure there would be a prize invovled. I'd offer, but stick figures would not do the story justice.

Jeff B's picture
l 100+ points

good god man, thats a big shit!

F. Eceses's picture


Ex-Lax's picture

hi person who posted this, take me

Troy's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

" wife made me stop measuring them since one slapped me on the back of my knees and fell on the bathroom scale" - That part almost got me in trouble as I was reading it at work and couldn't stop laughing!!! LMAO

Nice work!

Maybe if you practice you can stand or squat with your feet on the toilet rim and you could get up to 4 feet without messing up the bathroom scale (although the weight measurment would be a bonus as it sounds like yours is quite dense...)

kel's picture

Once I really had to go to the bathroom bad, and I was at my parent's farm, where the toilet was broken and there was no bathroom around for about 20 miles. So, I 'held' it in. It actually felt quite good, and I kept on doing it. I haven't actually 'pooped' for over three years, but the residue from holding it in does kinda count doesn't it? Anyway, I have no stomach pains

and I am perfectly healthy.

um no's picture

mabye yuo should se a dr.

John's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I had posted this message before and I'll post it again! Because TO ME, IT IS NOT OFFENSIVE. I see people posting messages on here about their desires for poop are so I don't think that it is bad for me to post my desires. I love Kel's story, if she can hold her poop that long, I'd love for her to write me via email and share with me her stories.


Joel Knoeck's picture

Hollywood should make the following movie: TURDINATOR IV- RISE OF THE WATER. Arnold could be thrashing a huge plunger attempting to beat down the turds that threaten to overflow a monsterous size toilet, and flood out all humanity. Coming to a theater near you, TURDINATOR IV- "Just when you thought it was safe to shit"

deeznutz's picture


The bacteria build up would have killed you a long time ago.

Funny though.

Pooperscooper's picture

G Ras, have you ever tried using an enema kit? You might need to run a couple of quarts of water in, given that your insides are probably overstretched from all those years of mega-turd-dom. But it might make it easier to coax things out.

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

A winning story.

Milk Chocolate's picture

My mother actually is a chronic pain patient and has to take fairly large amounts of pain medicine a day. For about 3 years, at least, it's been normal for her to not take a shit for a month or more.

And when she does, it's something similar to this story. Long periods of time, trying and getting nothing. Being in pain from trying to push the demons out.

On a side note, she did have a colonoscopy to remove a large lump in her bowels. (Which was not, thank god, cancer.)

As for enemas, they help a bit but not alot. (Judging from her experiences)

She now takes a laxative a day, and that helps a little. But not much.

Good story though.

Pooperscooper's picture

Milk Chocolate, G Ras, there are two things that may help--enemas and abdominal massage.

You can do abdominal massage on yourself. You want a little oil on your hands. What you do is gently but firmly stroke your abdomen in a circle, following the path of your large intestine. You start in the lower right hand side of your abdomen, go up, then across, just below your breast bone, and then downwards to your lower right abdomen. You'll know what path to follow by feeling the hard matter in there. This can help stimulate your bowels to move and can help expell gas.

If you've been constipated for a very long time, you may need more than one quart of water to do the trick.

Someone Unknown's picture

My mom has a mental condition and she is kinda weird about bowel movements. Now I have no clue if this is from the meds she takes (Zyprexia Prozac) or if this is all in her mind, but she cannot shit no matter what she does. And it's horrible because when she does have the urge to shit it's alwaays when I'm in the shower. The stench is beyond horrible and she has this horrible dihurriah(sp). It gets so annoying but I have no clue what she goes through; it must be hella worse

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

I used to take Paxil, which is like Prozac, and though my results were not so bad, I sometimes would pinch off a 18 inch monster, IF I WERE LUCKY, many shits were worse than 18 inches. That stuff sucks in that matter.

Vatfryer's picture

My heart goes out to you, but I LOVED the story! LMAO!

Linda's picture

As a child, I had a very healthy diet, with lots of fruit, vegies and fibre but I still got constipated quite often. I can remember being at a friend's house when I was about ten (I was constipated at the time) and I felt the urge to go. I sat on the toilet for over half an hour trying to squeeze out a monsterous turd. About one quarter of it had come out but it was still stuck in my anus. I didn't want to stay on the toilet any longer (my friend was knocking on the toilet door) and I couldn't push the poo out any further, so I broke it off with my hand and some TP. It was really thick and sticky. After I had done that, I felt an even bigger urge to push the turd out. Instead, I wiped my anus about five times to remove the rest of the poo that was still there and pulled up my pants. Later, I realised that I didn't wipe my arse properly and there was a small patch of dried poo in my knickers. My constipation lasted a few more days after that too.

Primitive Man's picture

In the future there will no longer be toilets, since you would have an implant that converts the crap in your colon, into energy. Just think NO MORE TOILETS, and no more constipation, or the RUNS.

abyssalrogue00's picture

I feel for all of you. I suffer from MASSIVE O.C.D. I sam always afraid to shit because i think im going to have worms. (its a very bad phobia, i have almost killed myself over it. then to the mental hospital)I'm so scared of them, so im scared to shit so i dont crap for a REALLY long time and when i tried to my dad had to use an enema on me while i was crying. I was so scared. I was scared veins in my body were worms. Its quite terrifying. I feel for EVERYONE here that has had constipation problems. This is a serious post. Ive been doing much better lately though, since i got my happy pills. :) i can now pursue my love to video games and poop!

ss_in_dayton's picture

I swear, I'm going to have to stop reading this site at work!!! ROTFLMAO

werewolf pooping on trees's picture

You should consider a meatatarian diet.(No, I didn't make that up- look it up on any search engine) Meat, bread, and potatoes(basic meatatarian foods) rot in your intestine easier than vegetables, which contain plant fibers that take forever to rot. As a bonus, a meatatarian diet is also good if you are against animal rights.(I am all for animal welfare, but I love my meat and fur!) Also, drink a lot of soda with caffeine. Caffeine is a diruetic(makes you have to go), soda is a liqiud, which will soften the crap, and the caffeine might make your butt muscles want to push a poop out.

the pants pooper's picture

I feel very sorry for you tellus if you get better p.s YOUR STORYS ROCK

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Ouch, G Ras. As a chronic pain sufferer, I hope I never have pain bad enough for morphine every day. Or constipation that bad!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Feces Girl's picture

There can be a song parody of "Fatal Hesitation" by Chris de Burgh called " Fatal Constipation". I wonder how it would go.

Shane Drake's picture

Get some penutbutter in a spoon and stick it up your bumm. Due to a chemical reagent (Glucohide)that would result from the interaction with your poop inside , everyhting will come out in a matter of seconds. Just be close to the toilet. This is the best natural way to do it., HOPE it helps, let me know of the results. take care

Clear Poop's picture

Try drinking a lot of water. My husband gets terrible constipation when he doesn't drink enough water out in the field. He spends hours on the toilet straining. Of course when he gets out of the bathroom I nag him about not drinking his water.

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

This is TOP TEN material if I have ever seen it! I convulsed so hard with laughter that I hit my head on the desk.

Whatever happened to G Ras? Did he die from this.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Sorry my friend, but at 600mg of Morphine per day you'd have a hell of a lot more problems that just constipation, you'd be dead.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

I'm sorry. How did we miss the PEANUT BUTTER comment?!?

Putting PEANUT BUTTER up your BUTT??? What the..?

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

Ok, welt raising boogers, 600mg of Morphine, chipboard consistencied poo, sound like a slight exageration to me. All in all a funny story though. I wonder where G Ras is five years later (this story is form 01)? Sounds like he is not doing so well. If you are still with us G Rass, and still read PR, SEE A DOCTOR.
Jammin' lo'flo's since 1977.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Butt Plug's picture

and I thought I was the only one!

Thank you!!!

here's to tape measure poops.....

Anonymous Coward's picture

Trust me, 600mg morphine a day is not necessarily deadly. Sure, you take it as a completely opioid naive person, you're going to end up dead from respiratory depression (i.e. you overdose). But if you are in severe pain and take it for a long time, you can easily build up to that dose. I've been taking morphine for 3 years now for chronic severe pain and I'm easily up to 450mg a day with my pain only partially relieved, and I'm not in the slightest bit "high", doped up, sleepy, or dead. I am, however, on a total vibe with G Ras about the constipation issue and I can easily go a fortnight or two between poops (the reason why I'm not taking even more morphine than I am already).

All the suggestions in the world regarding adding more fibre and drinking plenty of water are completely useless - trust me, I've done several bowel preps (hint: search this site for magnesium citrate or phosphosoda) and still only passed rock hard turds and clear water after twice the normal dose, with two doses taken 6 hours apart. Nothing else helps except perhaps a hefty dose of a stimulant to move things along and a glycerine suppository or two to soften things up from the other end.

Anonymous Coward's picture

If your having problems with constipation then eat some chocolate every night before bed. Forget the other foods you eat during the what you enjoy....
I have struggled for 4 years with severe digestive problems off and on every couple of days ...often not going for 3 or four days.... until i noticed a pattern... i thought it was everything else that was a problem and continued to change my diet by adding fibre, removing fibre, going low carb and being told it was PCOS or going high carb and being told it was IBS until finally i realised that on the nights when i thought id be naughty and have chocolate everything was solved. Its unbelievable and finally i realise that one bar is not going to kill me but will infact keep my bowels healthy. Its what i always used to do before i became healthy and decided to change my diet so that treats like this were not included in my diet...i gained almost 2 stone as i was having 2 bowel movements a week and was extremely ill and uncomfortable. I have been weaning myself off cigs for all this time too but havent been able to take them out completely due to the stress of ongoing IBS attacks ...try it and let me know

Anonymous Coward's picture

I'm glad you found something that helped your IBS-C especially something as yummy as chocolate! IBS can be a nightmare to get a handle on. But trust me, the constipation from opioid pain meds like morphine is very, very different in most cases. Three days without a poop would be good for me. So far I've been 8 days, and still no urge to go. Narcotic analgesics paralyse the colon by reducing the strength and number of contractions - sometimes completely. It can lead to a full on bowel obstruction needing either manual disimpaction or even surgical disimpaction under a general anesthetic. It can cause perforation of the bowel and blood poisoning (septicemia).

There's a number of reasons chocolate may help.... from dietary intolerances (eg: lactose intolerance causing looser bowels), the effect of caffeine (coffee can cause diarrhea, for example), the sugar (sugar feeds gut bacteria which can speed or slow gut transit), or even the stress relief from the endorphin release associated with chocolate. How big a bar is needed for effect? Is it milk, dark or white chocolate? Perhaps a study would be cool - the effects of different chocolate brands on constipation!

peter pooper's picture

this deserves to be a featured video on youtube. I didn't even realize these thigs you speak were possible.'s picture

seriously thats whats happening to me now ;_; it feels like theres a shoe up my ass and that crap wont come out... i dont know wtf to do

Anonymous Coward's picture

I have to agree with the poster about chocolate. I too have spent years suffering with constipation. I was either constipated or had the hershey squirts. After trying everything, adding fiber and last resort laxative pills, eat more veggies, drinking more water, drinking nothing but water or juice with meals, etc etc. Eating a chocolate bar did the trick. Chocolate Milk too!

I think I have the gunk lining my intestines, because when I do go, its thin and narrow. I just can't see doing the colon cleanse regimines they offer today. Who can go without eating? Juice fast? I gotta eat man!

My two cents.

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

AC (10/12/07)

How long have you had "thin and narrow" poos.

If this is something new, you might want to see a doctor. Sometimes this is a warning of intestinal cancer, or an obstruction.

It's better to be safe than sorry.
"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

World's fastest man with worlds slowest poo's picture

What more can be said... for the first 29 years of my life I was blessed with bowel perfection you could set the atomic clock to (talk about never missing the water until the well runs dry...). For the last decade I was fortunate enough to be able to play my sport like a kid in a playground for a living (a few of you out there might even recognise my name...)- that is until March 15, 2006, when I broke my back. The 580 days since have shown me a new meaning to hell, and the main problem is the same as all of yours. I have gone to between 16 and 18 experts (depending on the loosness of your defintion of "expert"), including internists, GI's, chiropractors, physiatrists, ostepaths, physical therapists, etc. ad nauseum and have spent aproaching a hundred thousand dollars to try to at least decipher my problem, if not help it- no luck. It's really quite incredible, and as I type this after another night of research online after waking up in horrible agony (again) at 2:00 am, my deepest sympathies go out to all of you: I truly feel your pain...

G Ras's picture
l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

"healthy 1" You are a giant dick flake.... you could have done a little research and found that 600 mgs of morphine (MS Contin) isn't shit!! There are people suffering from chronic pain that are on a much higher dose... as I would be if I could tolerate even sturdier turds. To bad you choose to open your mouth before you know the facts... it makes you look foolish. Here are some facts for you... I am doing well (very much alive) See my doctor monthly and still have my sense of humour regarding this problem... thus the "slight exaggeration"

Perhaps I am an asshole and so much time has pass you probably won't even read this .... but in my defense.... this site is all about funny stuff that happens to us about shit in the course of everyday living.... and may I say in my story I too got shit

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Someone needs to do some research on the peanut butter theory.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

Anonymous Coward's picture

I get extremely painfully constipated and i find the only thing that helps is when i am pushing out i use toilet paper to press the protruding area around the anus. it helps to get it out but i wonder if that is doing any harm to me? as gross as it sounds manually manipulating the area is the only thing i can do. :(

Anonymous Coward's picture

I'm reading this from the potty. Although I've not had to endure turds of such monstrous proportions, I just squeezed out a piece of depleted uranium myself.
Note to self: I should shit more often. Procrastinators never learn. Not even with sore anuses and bloody toilets.

Hum bunger's picture
l 100+ points

Wow, that's some major pain.
My sister has been using liquid morphine for a decade now. When she first started constipation became an issue, then she adjusted her diet and started taking herbal supplements. If heroine was legal she would get a prescription in a heart beat.
Next time we see each other I'll ask her about "monkey tail."

bung hole's picture

OK Im going to do some research on the peanut butter theory. It seems very interesting and seeing as Im currently constipated going on 4 weeks I am down for anything! I will keep you posted on this. Also for some of you try eating oatmeal, then wait about 15 minutes. Good Luck to all, keep your heads up, back straight, cheeks spread, & pants down!

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I read the peanut butter comment and could hardly believe that the insertion method was a spoon! I would expect that to cause major damage to the anal and rectal area. If inserting peanut butter is desirable (about which I'm skeptical), I would think some kind of broad syringe machine, something like a small caulk gun, would be better; but you'd still have to be very careful inserting it, and use petroleum jelly or something to ease entry.

John11's picture

HAHA! I just read this, even though it's 7 years old, it's funny as hell! I suffer from semi-major hemorrhoids, and reading this makes me feel better about my condition. I've had experiences with the bloody latex glove, but I have yet to get the 'MONKEY TAIL'! HAHAHAHAHAHA.


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