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make it a brown xmas

Even Cowboys Get The Poos

Posted 03.31.2003 by Gutbuster (112)
Have you ever gone out on a blind date? Neither had I, until I decided to try the newspaper singles ads to meet a gal. I selected a few to write to (no email in those days, boys), sent a photo, and waited for responses. I got the little widow woman.

She was a good looking gal, in her mid 30s, no kids, no pets, no hang-ups, ready to recover from the loss of her husband, a young man who died on a construction job. She had been without a man for nearly nine months. A sure thing, I would say!

So we met for coffee one Sunday afternoon. I was at the end of a great bachelor weekend: partying, junk food, tacos, beans, beer and scrambled eggs for breakfast. We talked for a while. She explained she was ready to break out of her depression and meet a man. This time she wanted to meet a rough tough guy with an "I don't give a shit" attitude -- her words, not mine!

And that's me. I was a cowboy type, ready to show the little lady the good time she desperately needed. After some more small talk, we went for a short drive, and then to her place -- a nice little apartment, upstairs, fireplace and cable TV! BONUS!!

As we sat on her couch and chatted, she started to warm up, smiling, purring, cooing like a kitten. I was feeling pretty macho, so I really turned on the "I don't give a shit" attitude she was looking for. We had just begun to kiss when it hit.

My stomach rolled over with one intense gurgle. You know the type -- painful cramping, hot acidic liquid instantly pressurized at the back door; your anus puckered shut for fear of releasing even the slightest bit of pressure; your anatomy working in tandem with your adrenaline, knowing that one slight slip would cause an explosion of lethal high-pressure stink...

Unbeknownst to my little lover, I had a gutbuster building.

We were on the couch in the living room of her cute little apartment. The only bathroom was just five steps away. If I went for it, I might make it before I shit all the carpet and the floor, but she would hear my moans and the belching spray from my ass, and she would smell my stench. And then what would happen to my "I don't give a shit" image?

I didn't have a second to spare. In the heat of the moment, in the throes of passion, my new friend, my wannabe lover, my poor deprived little widow woman must have been very confused, embarrassed and bewildered when I suddenly came up from a kiss and announced "I have to go home now!!!"

This cocky "I don't give shit" cowboy, who moments before was going to ride in on his stallion and rescue this depressed little widow, ran full speed for the door. I knew it was a five-mile drive home, but if the gods were on my side, I could make it.

They weren't.

I squirmed, I screamed, I ground my ass into the seat, I twisted and turned, I moaned, I groaned, my guts were churning like an outboard motor in a mud pit... I had to take a shit and I had to take one NOW!!!

At 60 MPH, I slammed on the brakes and pulled to the shoulder of a fairly well traveled two-lane road. I jumped out and ran to the side of my truck, unfastening my pants as I went. I grabbed the sidepanel, shoved my pants down as far as they would go, bent over, hung my ass as far away from myself as I could aim it, and let loose a spray of golden hot butterscotch-colored cream of chicken soup that burned of taco sauce and turpentine. It was an ejection of one full gallon of burning spraying shit, and it was instant relief. So much so that I felt weak in the knees.

My pants and underwear were firmly pushed down to my ankles and wrapped around the exposed tops of my cowboy boots. Traffic was light, but cars were honking, presumably at me. The golden spray had missed most of my clothing and had chaotically spewed in the drainage ditch. My bare ass quivered in its effort to keep my butt cheeks from touching or closing in on themselves, trying to prevent the greasy overspray from contaminating my butt skin.

Now it was time to consider my next move. Unfortunately, I had just cleaned out my truck in anticipation of my hot date... what was I going to wipe with? With no other choice, I dug my pockerknife out of my pants, cut my underwear off, wiped my slimy ass, and tossed the stained garment onto the fallout zone. I pulled up my pants, buckled my belt, walked to the driver's side of my truck, waved to a passing minivan full of kids, got in, gave myself a good hard chuckle, and drove home to a hot shower.

And yes, I reprised my role as cowboy hero later that week. I was just more careful of what I ate first.

-- Gutbuster



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Tydirium (516) -- 03.31.2003

obviously, in spite of your attitude, you did give a shit.

har har

poopstar (not verified) -- 03.31.2003

this doesn't have anything to do with the story but i need to tell u all somthing. Almost every day at school i smell like shit if i take a dump becuz i guess i don't wipe good enough and when i look there are little gobs of poop in my undies. i know it's disgusting

Jeff B (159) -- 03.31.2003

Wellllllllll, what happened with the blind date? Marriage, relationship or did you hit it once and run?

Alex (not verified) -- 03.31.2003

I know dude you left us hanging! You should of told us if you hooked up with the widow or not. besides that great story!

Azurine (not verified) -- 03.31.2003

I thought the "don't give a shit" attitude encompassed not giving a shit if you stunk up somebodys bathroom. Most bathrooms have a ventillation fan of some sort and you could close the door and let it 'cool off' for a bit. I guess I've never been in that situation before but I think I'd prefer using a toilet and dealing with the stench than leaving abruptly and inexplicably and ending up shitting alongside the road. Aside from my bitching the story was very well told. Traumatizing passers-by is always a good thing.

Niki C. (not verified) -- 03.31.2003

Hey Kenny, Billy, Chris, Jordan and all you guys that r weirdo's and look at this site 24-7! XoxO -Niki-

Hmmp (not verified) -- 03.31.2003

A rather humorous story, but as usual my "gut" tells me it did not happen. I just can't see how someone would actually take a shit by the side of the road as passers-by wildly honk their horns. A well constructed story though, too bad it belongs in the "fiction" section. :) Later.

Vatfryer (not verified) -- 03.31.2003

"The belching spray from my ass." LMAO! I love the choice of words used there.

sararrhea (not verified) -- 04.01.2003

I was thinking that this might be a time when the courtesy flush could work in ones favor.

Does anyone remember the joke whose punch line is: "No shit?" - "very little"

Gutbuster (112) -- 04.01.2003

Hey, this is my first story to Poopreport and I am telling you it DID happen, just as I told it. Cowboys have an honor code, we can't lie!

Did I develop a realtionhip with the "lil wida wumun"? Yeah, we ran around with each other for about a year or so. I was shitting in front of her with the door open within a week or so. I dind't want to show her ALL of my tricks the first night did I?!

PJbrownstuff (60) -- 04.01.2003

Gutbuster: Hmmp's gimmick is to question the legitimacy of all stories posted on PR. He's a troll. Don't sweat it.

a friend (not verified) -- 04.01.2003

Wow...If you did use your new friends toilet I bet the toilet would of had a very bad impression of you the first thing. Did you use her toilet on any of the subsequent dates at her apartment? Man, if you use that poor toilet it would of suffered bad that day. I bet the smell was real bad, even outside. The toilet would of gagged on it.

Jeff B (159) -- 04.01.2003

Hey Dave. how about getting rid of these teenage postings which have been appearing lately.

Yeah, I remember the first time I surfed the net.

adude (not verified) -- 04.01.2003

This reminds me of a time I had to take a dump one time I was driving from San Antonio to Houston. It was past 10pm on a dark summer night and at 60 mph my stomach feels molten hot liquid. It wasn't really that bad so I just increased the cruise control speed to 75 mph to make it to a rest stop a little sooner. I pull in and walk inside and the stalls are filthy. There are no doors and there is piss all over the place. To top this off there is all of this homosexual graffiti on the condom machine. I don't have a problem with what people do in their own life but I didn't want to become a butt pirate in there, ya know?

I ran back to the car and raced out to find a gas station. The running was a bad idea. Two miles down the highway gas started leaking out of my butt. I exited on a farm road and just pulled over beside a barb wire fence. I dropped trow and lost 10 pounds at the side of the car. I cleaned up with napkins and polluted (I'm not proud of that). I had my emergency flashers on so another car wouldn't hit me. My dad was asleep in the car but woke up as I walked back and asked what was up. I told him I had to take a leak real bad. Just then a pair of headlights came up the road real slowly. I was like oh shit....it might be the KKK or the corrupt evil sheriff. I'm sure they wouldn't take kindly to my shitting their property. My heart raced as the lights got closer. They passed my car and tail lights dissapeared into the night. It was one of the most scary moments of my life.

poopoo<3er (not verified) -- 04.03.2003

poo poo is fun

http://www.outwar.com/page.php?x=646310

poop!

roodpoop (not verified) -- 04.15.2003

Holy shit! i almost crapped my pants when i read your story. Very Funny shit. Same thing happened to me but i was at her house and she passed out so i was hungry and drunk looking for food. it was too late to order a pizza so i decided to raid the fridge. Six frozen meals later i was full and happier then a pig in shit. Things went well for a couple more beers until i heard the rumble from below. I figured i would use her bathroom since she was passed out. I entered the bathroom with great anticipation and mounted the throne. I felt the terd poking his head out and after a few minutes of extensive pushing i dropped the biggest log i had ever seen. I felt better until i tried to flush the monstrocity. It kind of did the titanic tilt and got lodged in the toilet with the toilet paper getting stuck with it. I admit i started to panic. I sent out a prayer and flushed again and again. To my horror the log didnt budge and the water level rose dangerously close to the brim. I realized i needed the heavy artillery. Desperatly searching for the plunger i came up empty handed. Not knowing what else to do i flushed again and the water level overflowed. Panicking i hopped in my car and left never talking to her again.

Gutbuster (112) -- 04.17.2003

After I got to know he Lil Wida Woman, she got uised to me dumping in her house to the point I could leave the door oopen adn we could talk all kinds of perosnal stuff or about the waether or any other subject. I can't get into chicks dumping in from=nt of me though. For some reason I want to keep that as a seprate part of my life, like saving y virginity for the right one or something. Chicks and Shit Don't Mix! When I think of chicks I like to think of their pink hole NOT their brown hole!

Tom Robbins Fan (not verified) -- 04.18.2003

Is it just me, or is the title to your post a parody of Tom Robbins's "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues"?

Gutbuster (112) -- 04.20.2003

Dave makes the titles man....I told the shit story! I will never forget that day though. My guts have never boiled like that..oh wait a minute, yes they did! Gotta go, I have another shit story to write.

nameless (not verified) -- 09.01.2004

blow the back off her toilet dude

Clear Poop (not verified) -- 03.27.2005

The only shit on a date story I can remember doesn't really count as a date. My future husband came over to my parents' house to pick me up for a study session. (At the time he was my science tutor, in a sense.) He ate like a pig before I moved in with him and as a result he often got diarrhea. This happened when he came to pick me up.

My parents were (still are) religious maniacs and already thought this guy was screwing me. (Which was true, but I wasn't going to admit it.) So they weren't happy when he came over in the first place. He goes off to the bathroom and dumps the biggest, stinkiest load in the toilet. Which of course clogs. We were late for our activity so Dad had to plunge it. Served the fucker right.

DungDaddy (1386) -- 10.27.2006

Gutbuster is truly a man of action. I wonder where he went...

MousePoo (150) -- 07.18.2007

*sniffle* No more stories?

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