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make it a brown christmas

Jeff and God vs. The Overflowing Toilet

Posted 07.12.2001 by Jeff A. (10)
Editor's Note: This piece comes to us courtesy of The Manhattan Daily, New York City's finest journalistic outlet. For more info on The Manhattan Daily, email them.

The most terrifying moment in a person's life is the split second when the water rushes to the top of a toilet bowl, showing no signs of stopping. Similarly, the darkest hour is when that water creeps ever so slowly, and you can only look on helplessly. For Jeff Aiken, that was the night of June 5.

After noticing slow shower drainage, it never occurred to Aiken that the problem might have also spread to the toilet. A 2AM flush lead to a one hour Vigil of Doom, as the water, contents unidentified, rose slowly towards the top of the bowl.

At approximately 3AM, with one centimeter of porcelain between normalcy and chaos, Aiken decided the time for waiting had passed. A five second donning of enough clothes to cover his vitals, Aiken sprinted approximately 400 meters to the local corner store. Upon asking for plungers, he was directed to a stack of Fancy Feast cat food. This was no good.

Unsuccessful attempts to awaken his roommate to watch the bowl meant at that point, the toilet was probably fountaining the goods from all over the building all over his bathroom. After two more unsuccessful plunger searches at local corner stores, spanning another 200 meters, Aiken made the mad dash home armed with only a roll of paper towels.

A sweaty and exhausted Aiken, running on legs already well used from the evening's basketball game, burst through the door and collapsed at the dry foot of a flushed toilet. People in the house recall being awakened by a loud noise coming from the bathroom right after Aiken left.

"That was the sound of God flushing a toilet," Aiken says. "I was totally praying for it before. I told Him I would change my ways and everything. I guess he waited till I ran around outside so I could show that I really wanted that toilet to flush."

He remains convinced of this fact.
-- Jeff A.



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Steve (49) -- 07.13.2001

a true miracle, better than any sightings of mary

Dave (11657) -- 07.16.2001

They say faith is belief in the absence of evidence. But this seems to me to be cold, hard proof that God exists and is looking out for Jeff and his toilet. I think he should start a new religion. "Church of Christ, Plumber."

Melly (63) -- 08.07.2001

Man, I love the way you tell the tale! Very nice.

Bman (not verified) -- 08.15.2001

Don't people realize that the tank cover can be removed and the float can be lifted manually to shut off the water until the "problem" can be resolved?

Johnny (not verified) -- 11.03.2001

I can relate, man...a couple months ago, I clogged up the toilet horribly. Well, with a plunger I managed to clear it, or so I thought. When I took a shower later, dirty toilet water, complete with little pieces of shit and toilet paper, started coming up through the shower drain. I guess it had clogged up further down the pipe. I eneded up having to call my landlord to get it fixed. Talk about embarrasing!!

Claire (not verified) -- 08.08.2002

this man has truely been touched. all should remember this story and think of it when they're up shit creek without some boots.

BOZO THE CLOWN (not verified) -- 02.05.2003

JEFFF AIKEN NEED TO GET A SNAKE AND PLUNGE DOWN HIS SEWER LINE SO HIS TOILET DOES NOT BACK-UP AGAIN. AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED JEFF AIKEN IS IN THE SEWER ANYWAY??

Count Logula (not verified) -- 01.10.2004

When this happens, you just reach behind the toilet and turn off the water valve. Then you can solve the blockage at your leisure and restore the water when you are done. People who take pride in their shits should know the basics of plumbing.

not jeff aiken (not verified) -- 02.04.2004

The plumbers union members giving mechanical advice regarding the miracle toilet should remind themselves that the toilet never overflowed. They may be ignorant of the fact that this story would be really boring if the author solved the problem himself. This story is truly an American classic.

Raquel (not verified) -- 02.11.2004

Too "Stinkin'" Funny!!!!
Been there, done that,got the T-shirt...Amen!

The Shit Volcano (3740) -- 10.01.2004

I remember the rental from hell, where I lived when I was four. This is also the rental where a woman was raped, I burned myself on the hot water heater, the garage burned down, and my parents divorced. But I digress.

I was sitting on the toilet doing my doody when I heard a chugging noise. At that moment I turned to look in the bathtub and discovered brown water erupting from the drain.

My Mom must have suspected something was up because she came in. Of course she blamed me, even though I hadn't flushed the toilet. She claimed that I put too much toilet paper in it.

The dumbass never realized that the blockage was farther down, that the flood was coming from the kitchen sink where she was washing dishes. Damn I that house was creepy!

DungDaddy (1386) -- 09.14.2006

I needed God for this one time. Hew let me handle it on my own.

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