Another Doniker masterpiece!!! His matter of fact, documentatry style always makes me laugh out loud. Keep them coming and sorry about your loss of control.

Haha, that was a most excellent tale.

The polite, business-like writing style of the Pizza Hut letter had me in stiches for three minutes. I just love reading attempts to make a euphemism out of shitting.

I hope that letter to Pizza Hut was actually sent. I swear, that chain has gone down the shitter (pun intended). Hell, even the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles won't touch that shit anymore. And I always do what cartoons tell me to do.

I remember getting those Book It! stickers when I was in grade school some upmteen years ago. I don't remember if it ever gave me the shits, but it was never a mystery why they gave those things out for free. I haven't eaten Pizza Hut in years because everything on their pizzas taste like ass.

Great story, Doniker.

Quite possibly the best week of stories ever ending with the master of the blaster himself.

What did your parents say? Do you think you'll get any underwear coupons?

I needed the laugh, Doniker. I'm only sorry it was at your expense! Bravo.

I have never and will never shit myself. These stories are amazing not only for their content but the apparent lack of shame in the tellers. Unbelievable!

Holy shit!! That was unbelievable funny!!

Last year, the night before high school graduation, my friend and I ate at a local Pizza Hut. The next day, I woke up with unbelievable ass-piss. I shat 6 times that day, all watery, nasty shit. Later that night, I found out that my friend also got the shits, and he also puked a few times. I swear I will never eat in a Pizza Hut again, and I would recommend that nobody does. So that's at least 4 people that got food poisoning from it...Anyone else??

First rate poop reporting!!! thank god, though i've eaten in that very pizza hut, i've never had the experience you did.

You absolutely MUST send that letter, it is hilarious, as well as entirely appropriate! I am sure you'll get a response, maybe even your five dollars. Just don't do what Don Novello (aka Lazlo Toth) does and send an enclosure!

I was thinking a dry cleaning bill would have also been kind of funny.

Doniker:

Great writing!

Now, let's get this Pizza Hut thing straigtened out.

You probably know they own Taco Bell too, don't you? Yeah, they sell the same inferior meat products at both outlets. Meat scraps that are scraped off the nasty bones of cutters and canners at the end of the slaughterhouse lines. Shit that used to go to make dog food.

There's never a better time than right this very minute to introduce your daughter to a high-quality, "mom & pop" pizza produced in a popular, neighborhood pizza shop. I know the Cleveland area has to be full of them.

Your daughter deserved better than Pizza Hut, for crying out loud. You know it. Your wife knows it. It's just that Pepsi Corp. has weaseled its way into the school house with all those corporate pig promos.

Again, great story. I love your style. It has all the elements of suspense, reality, tension, climax, and de-movement. Plus graphic description.

P.S.: I hope we don't read about you sharing a cell with Troy the Pants Tossing Terrorist.

No Peace for Pizza Hut. TH.

Yeah, Doniker, what's up with that? You said that you "thought back to all the other PoopReporters who have had to deal with shitty drawers," and yet you still ended up throwing it in a neighbor's yard?

When anyone asks me why I don't eat at Pizza Slut, I will refer them to this story. That, and I can now tell my mother she is not the only over-40 person to shit herself.

Your story was a laugh a minute but it sucks that you had to suffer so much to write it. Poop Report should offer medals for going above and beyond the call of duty for a story.

Please forgive the misspelling of "frequency" in my last message.

Doniker, judging from the frequesncy with which you refer to your spouse as "the wife" I get the impression that you view her as something closer to an accessory than your life partner.

What a horrible experience. I feel for you, but not really, since I rarely ever get severe mud-butt from food, and I love junk food just as much as the next guy.

It seems that after losing 20 pounds in six weeks, you lost another 20 in a matter of hours.

My ass hurts. I sat on a chess set and can't find the black king.

I hate the shits

Pizza Hut? All that cheap cheese and greasy meat. Yuk! Sheesh, I agree with Turd H., your entire family deserves better than that.

Haha, that was good. I liked the line about "I never thought it would happen to me." Sounds like a Penthouse letter.

Dear Poop Report,

I never thought it would happen to me, but there were these two Swedish airline stewardesses, and they had a bag full of burritos and...

I'm just wondering whether knowing you would have some juicy material for the poop report if you shit your pant didn't work against your sphincter and resolve. This is more than of passing interest to me, because if I thought this sort of event was more likely to occur to me if I became a poop reporter, I’d cut loose (of the site) right now.

Doniker: You are the freaking man! Best. Story. Ever.

Uuugh.. Pizza Hut and McDonalds are BOTH on my list of places to eat when I'm constipated; neither have EVER failed to make me shit after eating at either establishment.
I hope you do mail that letter, it's too damn hilarious not to :)

Doniker, great story. By the end of the sixth dump you should have crystal clear innards. Thanks goodness you didn't pull a Musil and toss your soiled shorts into a reservoir. My goodness man, where is your dad's sense of compassion? I thought family was the one institution who accepted their own regardless of their dilemma (for the most part).

Taco Bell's red sauce is the quick ticket to the bowl for me. Again my congratuations to Doniker for a hilarious story and complaint letter.

It would have been a better story if you ate that ass discharge off the toilet seat you filty bastard.

LOL

Bite me, butt vomit. You wouldn't know a good story if it crawled in your asshole!

to the person who commented as butt vomit:

as dumb as this may sound coming from a person who regularly visits a poop website, you sicken me. you really do. do you actually read all of the stories here are PR? this is possibly the best story i've read since "The Whopper," not to mention the complaint letter at the end. Also, people who make short, idiotic comments about the ingestion of feces are usually considered morons. you might feel like you're being singled out here, and well, you are. despite laughing at the greatly written story, i was already in a bad mood. then i see your worthless comment. do you think it's funny to waste someone's time making them read that? i don't know about you, but i take other people into consideration, and i'm definetly sure some people will agree with at least a little bit of what i'm ranting about here. what i'm trying to say is...well, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. (rather hypocritical of myself, isn't it? oh well)

now, for the pizza hut. i remember one time i shared some meat lovers pizza with a bunch of my reenacting buddies after a hard weekend's work and i woke up the following morning at about 3:30 and vomited all over my bed. that's the problem with my regurgitation--i can't control it at all. i think i've only ever successfully blew chunks into a bucket once. and that's after i had already done it all over somewhere else, i can't really remember. there're my 2 cents. auf wiedersehen.

It's takes a real man to admit that he shat his pants....but Doniker did it anyway!

O-K...just kidding! This was one of the most entertaining stories I've read here! Poor guy! And wouldn't ya know it? It would have to happen on the very day you wore brand new shorts!

"yesterday I ONCE AGAIN got sick after eating at one of your Pizza Hut locations"- Uhh...maybe you migjht want to consider not eating there anymore, if thios is a recurring problem?

PS: Doniker: Congrats on the weight loss- that's pretty impressive!

ROTFFLMFAO!!! One of the funniest stories on here! Now I know NEVER to eat at Pizza Hut. I did years ago, but nothing happened. But I don't want to find out.

Holy shit, Doniker. I didn't know you could be so damn funny. I think this is the rulingist of your stories. I think I peed a little when I read how you cleaned the seat then immediately had to sit back down and dirty it again. Shitty ass! So, did you send that letter?
What would you have done if you hadn't installed the downstairs throne a short while ago?
What did your daughter do when you told her Daddy shit his pants? Did she laugh?

Icky poo.... your honesty about soiling your underpants made me proud!!

G Ras

Yee-haw! Outsanding Doniker. Laughed so loudly I have to go upstairs to inspect the Hanes myself...

lol....nothing like a story about a grown man craping his pants....

Ok did u get the 5 bucks? I am never eating pizza hut again..on account of I have never shit myself and dont want to!

this story was the best. it had me in stitches! i remember when i went to pizza hut, i got a medium extra cheese with peperonni an an extra large order of wings. that night, i had the most wicked diarrhea imaginable.in fact i had 10 episodes of explosive watery diarrhea. i first was on the phone with somebody when fate was knocking at my colon. i ran to the bathoom holding my ass cheeks closed with my hands. when i got in, i slammed my ass down on the seat. brown water blasted out of my butt for 5 minutes. i uttered many high pitched shrills. just like that scene in dumb and dumber. i repeated this 9 more times that night.(by the way, my legs were forced straight out in front of me. just like in the movie!)

Doniker, we ALL have certain foods we cannot eat. For me,,,it is beer, taco bell, and cottage cheese

Definitely a food intolerance and/or bacteria. I'm going with bacteria in the "antipasto salad" though as your wife became afflicted too within the same time frame. Pizza comes hot out of the oven and I would think that Pizza Hut being so big would have corporate QA standards and practices in place to safeguard their customers from poisoning. They've been in business a lot of years and have sold a lot of pies. Unless your local joint is some kind of renegade, I wouldn't point the brown finger at them.

Dinner theater on the other hand . . .

Food isn't their business. They just want to wring a few more bucks from concessions. They make up these "antipasto salads" in advance and set them out without refrigeration leaving them to fester and rot. Who knows where they were even made or how much time they spent being transported before you ate it? What agency inspects their facilities and how often?

This will happen to almost everybody sooner or later. Eventually, we all have a Poop Story to report . . . sigh.

Doniker, now that it has happened to you, how has your life changed? What adjustments have you made? For instance, are you fearful now about going out to eat at restaurants that involve a long drive home? Do you think more about what you eat, when you eat and where you eat? Is your ass more in control of your life now than before?

Maybe there's an upside in that the caution arising from this incident will support your dieting efforts. Double cheese pizzas are the cardiologist's best friend.

Doniker,
I know i have insulted you many times in the past for no appearant reason. This time, however, I can't say anything but HILARIOUS. I love it. What a $#%&!@ funny story. I once crapped my pants in high school. I don't know what I ate, but I ended up puking up bacos (artificial bacon bits) as well. My mom cleaned up most of the mess as I finished the job on the toilet. It really is quite disgusting. Oddly enough, I was able to salvage the pair of white Umbro shorts I was wearing at the time. 8 years later i am still wearing them.

Gaseous Glay (Excellent handle!)- I seem to notice (both among people that I have known personally- and also borne out in many stories here) that one common thread that seems to connect many diarrhea/pants-pooping/food poising/stomach trouble stories is the eating of pork or shellfish. Among people I know personally, whenever they're not feeling good, I always say "Where'd ya go last night....the clam bar...or the pepperoni-pizza place?"- and I'm usually right. I used to suffer many gas pains, and stomach ailments when i was younger....but in the last 19 years since giving up pork and shellfish, I think I've had one stomach ache. Some things just weren't meant to be eaten.

i remember when i went to the clam bar, i was up all night with a wicked exploding ass.

Did you ever notice the same thing with Pizzeria Uno? I used to date this guy who was obsessed with that place, and at the time I was a little more inhibited. I can remember one of our first dates - we took the train to Manhattan (about an hour and a half, I seem to recall) and then spent some time in Queens before heading home. Of course, before getting on the train, he insisted that we have dinner at Pizzeria Uno. That was the most horrible train ride I have ever taken. Incredibly, utterly painful.

But anyway, Pizzeria Uno's pizza and Pizza Hut pizza actually seem kind of similar to me, mostly in the fact that the crust is thick and swimming in oil.

There's a reason I call it "Greasy Butt". I got one of those personal size pizzas from a Pizza Hut at the airport.I got The.Worst.Food.Poisioning
-note to Doniker-my pizza had sausage on it too.

When I eat rotten food my turd hole turns into a butt bazooka. That's when I unleash a pile of diarrea right on the floors of McDonalds crappers.

Well I also also shit my pants...After reading your kick-ass story....Keep it up!!!

Excellent story, well done. As there seems to be some dispute as to whether it was Pizza Hut or the theatre salad that caused the problem, perhaps you ought to go back and do some more research. Personally I'd go with the salad myself, but you never know. Do you have a local Trading Standards equivalent in the US? It might be fun to report the matter to them.

That was epic!!!
I haven't posted on PoopReport in a long time, but Donicker's tale brought me back out of lurking.

Oh please people! It was the Pizza Hut pizza! There pizza is absolutely the WORST pizza in the world and I dont know how they stay in business. DiGirno (sp?) is pretty darn good pizza and only 6 bucks AND frozen. I love a good pizza...here is what I do:

My dad goes to my favorite pizza place in Chicago and has them freeze it instead of cooking it, then he puts it on dry ice and sends it! YEAH BABY !!!!

oppps...their

HAHAHAHA
Nicely put. I too have had shit attacks after eating the sausage on Pizza Hut pizza but nothing like yours.
you deserve to be knighted for your bravery

That once happened to me after eating at Little Caesars.ew...
I used to work at a pizza hut. and discovered quite a few horrors behind the kitchen, that included high school kids making pizzas, and smoking cigarettes back there as well, and using the same dirty utensils over and over, and putting the receipts directly on the pizza. and for the love of god, never, EVER eat the salad bar! they leave the same food out all day long, including the salad dressings and eggs, its above a type of refridgeration unit, but it isnt sufficient, as the salad bar is sort of out in the open, plus as they change it, they dont wear gloves. same goes for KFC, dont eat the chicken pot pies, the chicken put into them is from day old chicken from the buffet that they have scraped off the bone with their bare hands.

That was a very good story. Thank you for almost making me shit MY pants.

Thank you, Poopula. Little Ceasars gives you little seizures?

I rest my case on the "pasto salad" as culprit.

Actually, having worked in a lot of different food service establishments, I can say that there are really very few places you'd want to eat if you knew what went on behind the swinging door. But the thing is, unless you don't want to eat out anymore, it's probably best just to live in willfull ignorance.

It's been a long time since I was scared by a "scary" movie. But stories like this one are beginning to make it hard to fall asleep at night, to venture more than a mile from home, or drive around without plastic seat covers. And it's wonderful to feel again that shiver in the spine.

*Psycho music*

Oh no! That was too funny! My sister always gets the shits after Pizza Hut too! But never that bad, I'm going to have to tell her about this !

Holy shitastic story, batman! I think the letter is what sent me off my seat and rolling on the floor. Please make sure you let us know if Pizza Hut replies!

After 11 months in Australia I have returned only to see a sorry, regurgatated story from Doniker. Doniker is circus language for the toilet. Why does this guy get a free pass for his boring stories?

i always knew pizza hut was problem...and this was an amusing story...and it has been on every website i have seen it posted on in the past 4 years or so....Amazing, since he claims it happened...'The other day....'

if you're copying a story, just say so, people are still gonna read it. just say "look what i found."

it still occurs to me that doniker is a bastard. driving after consuming several vodkas... and even picking up his daughter. This makes me utterly mad.

I agree with thales. you had several beers and then some vodka, and you had the nerve to pick up your daughter that way?
Your story was very amusing, although I did not laugh out loud. The best part was when you mentioned Book it!, because it made me remember 8 years ago when I would force my mother to eat free Pizza Hut pizzas with me. She always put up quite a fight, and now I know why.
Don't drink and drive.

"you can reimburse me $5 for the new pair of underwear I had to throw away after I defecated in my pants."

Congratulations, that one line, and that one only on PoopReport is the only thing to make me laugh OUT LOUD. Hilarious

I too have shit my brains out whenever I eat at Pizza Hut. I usually eat at the ones in either Riverhead or Centereach, NY. I usually get a stuffed crust pizza topped with chicken and pineapples. I don't know why it happens, but I'm glad I'm not the only one :o)

Okay, remind me never to read Doniker's masterpieces at work. Too funny. Too frickin funny! The letter to Pizza Hut put me over the top

Happy trails,
L. Wrong
Chairman & CEO, PPK Industries

Yes, this was one of his funnier works. Hope to see some like it in the future.

Dear Mr. Doniker,
I am getting nervouser and nervouser,
'Cause you won't tell me about your moniker,
My old flame lives in Cleveland--Er,
Would you by chance have turned into her?

Love,

The Dumpster

Re: In The Bushes' comment...I worked at a Wendy's in high school, and I have to say that they were VERY strict about food handling safety. That's been more than a few years, so I don't know about current standards, but I had friends who worked at McDonald's, and I was shocked at the things they told me (shudder). This story makes me feel lucky: while my DH and I were dating, the only eating establishment near his apt was, in fact, a Pizza Hut. We ate there many times, and never got sick. I guess we should knock on porcelain for small favors!

I have always heard that Wendy's had higher standards for cleanliness than most fast food joints. Now, you should visit Mom's Barbecue Palace in my hometown of Stewsburg if you REALLY want to know from clean!

Never had a problem with Pizza Hut but if I ever do it's my own fault, I've been warned.

I hope that letter was sent, I am considering printing / framing it and placing it on my local Pizza Hut walls. The only person that didn't smell your doo this time was your boss!

Yes...The NEW fire sauce from taco bell is death. I have eaten food off the streets of Belize and Mexico and never had food poisoning or even the trots...but Taco Bell=JPs (Juicy Poops)

Food from Taco Hell (even without the ice--you know who you are) always makes me have a lot of LiquiShit(TM), as will most greasy foods. Also, if I eat too much, in a few minutes I evacuate torrents of LiquiShit.

As far as the Fire sauce, why don't they just forget the steps of getting gradually hotter? I say go ahead and offer pure capsaicin(sp?). I don't care; I don't eat at Taco Hell anyway.

And are there any of you guys out there who can do LiquiShit(TM) and a Million Wiper(TM) and not have to make a Manpon(TM) afterwards?

LiquiShit, Million Wiper, and Manpon are not actual trademarks, though DF believes PoopReport deserves credit for them.

_______
So... uhh... erm.... POOP!!!

Another entertaing piece of shit lit from doniker...THANKS!!
Producing waste since 1967

Great story, even greater letter. You never told us if it was sent and what was the reply.
I love the things you can learn on PR! Pizza hut = mud butt and is owned by Taco Swill! AND, in the thread, I finally learned where your moniker comes from! :) Carny toilet, eh? I always wondered about that, and just thought it reminded me of "onager" which is a wild ass. I looked it up for the spelling and turns out this equine is defined as having a dark stripe down it's back (ha-ha) and then the second definition is: an ancient stone-propelling siege engine! And that cracked me up even more.... :D

_______
'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)