Fiber, fiber, fiber! Life cereal usually gets the ball rolling for me, when I do get constipated. That happens maybe once or twice a year...my IBS takes care of me getting stopped up. Infomercials are great late at night when you have insomnia.

Good one TBW. And I can vouch for that low-carb diet fad that's going around right now. I've been trying to lose 15 to 20 lbs. myself, and tried to do so by not eating a lot of breads and pastas and such. Well after a few short days of meat, low-carb foods, a lot of water, and not shitting, I broke down and ate a plate of sushi. The rice started kicking all that pent-up beef in my colon like a kangaroo, and it all hit me yesterday at work. I shit something on a relative scale to a baked potato and it felt like the roots were still attached. It was the first time I'd ever felt like I tore something in my ass from shitting. I couldn't sit on any hard surfaces the rest of the day. I think my ass is still cooling down from yesterday's battle.

If there's one thing I can advise to fellow poopreporters, its stay the fuck away from the Atkins diet, unless you want to experience a brown baby breach delivery.

Great story, BW. Your dad reminds me of a character out of a John Irving book (my fave author). My mom is like your dad in that she stays up late and watches infomercials. The difference is, she buys crap like pasta pots that have drain lids (that are so thin that everything burns to the bottom), portable stereos (that have MAYBE 20Watt speakers that sound like SHIT), clothes that never fit or look like the ones on TV and lots of other crap.

The Atkins diet inspired my husband to make up a song: "You eat 16 carbs and what do you get? Your poop's like spackling or an iron ingot... Iwish I'd had some fiber before 'cause I blew my hole out and the wrinkles are sore" How you can lose weight while carrying around 12 pounds+ of fecal rocks in your colon is beyond me. I made him eat some sushi (it works because of the wasabi) and that got the iron balls a rollin'.

So the wasabi is what kicked things into high gear! Thanks Scatilla, I'm glad I'm not the only one who loosened some Atkin's beef with the help of sushi. I loves me some wasabi. You also reminded me to weigh myself today since I passed that bitch out yesterday. I'm sure it was somewhere around five pounds.

Hey, ThreePly--wasabi will clean out your sinuses and your poopchute at the same time. No doubt you had a BM Boulder Jones going on recently. Essence of horseradish will do it to you every time.

P.S. to pooQueen. Worst infomercial ever was the one that Cher did about a dozen years ago right after she'd won an Oscar for "Moonstruck." I read an article just recently in USA Today in which she was quoted as saying something akin to the following: "What was I thinking? I win an Oscar for my acting and then totally cheese up my image by doing a hair care/hairspray infomercial."
(Guess they wanted someone with hair down to their ass as their spokesmodel.)

As Di says further up the thread, people get sucked into buying all kinds of things they don't need, can't wear, won't eat, etc. Who'da thunk a 30-minute commercial would carry so much clout? I think it's the combination of the late hours and the sleeplessness of some of the audience--their mental faculties aren't at their peak without proper rest.

The ultimate secret to losing mass (hey, I'm a physics teacher) is...mononucleosis. I dropped almost 20 pounds during the two weeks after being diagnosed with the shit.
The depression and fatigue sucked ass but the status of my mojo was augmented considerably by the disappearance of the flubber. In fact, it inspired me to start exercising regularily. In the end, I dropped 50 pounds AND have managed to keep them off for almost three years now. In brief, I rule.
Magic weight (mass) loss diets are nothing short of horseshit. The real secret: burn more calories than you ingest by exercising the right way. It hurts, sucks and burns but it will get the job done.

I already got on my soapbox about the Atkins diet in the Poop Headlines. It's a conspiracy. A conspiracy I tell you! Wha ha ha ha ha!!!!

Ahem, anyway. I can sympathize with your dad, Big Wiper. I've had a few of my giant turd refuse to surface on the Anal Sea. It's disgusting when you have to get up there with a wad of toilet paper and pull.

Balance and moderation are the keys to a good diet, and throw in some exercise. When there is an intestinal impasse, it's Cracklin' Oat Bran to the rescue. That cereal cracks the floodgates.

Euw. I hope you father washed the poop out from under his fingernails, after all that anal mining.

Good story, though, and a nice example of how families who can talk openly about poop are that much less dysfunctional that those who avoid fecal discussion.

Hey Von Wiper: When ya'll got to the stadium, didja share a big tub of popcorn? Didja check under Daddy's fangernails for brown stuff, or didja just figger that salty twang on the kernels wuz rancid butter? TH

Hey, TH. I don't believe I shook his hand before, during or after the game. But he did insist part of the reason it took him so long to rejoin us in the van was because of all the scrubbing time at the bathroom sink. A more detailed account than that, I don't care to know.

BTW, hope the Forums will get back up soon. Miss your pithy posts and wayward witticims.

As a vegetarian, animal friend, and all around caring person, I must fall from empathetic grace when I say I cheered when I heard Atkins died of heart disease and overweight.
I hope God is a great big chicken-headed cow pig and treats him to permanent constipation.
But, I am glad your dad dropped the diet, too, and I hope he can get used to whole grains and veggies. They work pretty well.

Any diet that tells you bacon is OK and certain fruits and vegetables aren't is just plain stupid. Besides, corn shit is fun.

Speakin' of 30-second commercial spots that defy all reason or conjur ironic iconography ... WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH BOB DYLAN IN THAT VICTORIA'S SECRET SPOT?!?!? (TH)

Gross! I was eating! Now not only will I puke but I'll have nightmares for a month!

As always..great story. Yes anyone should always consider the nature of their intake, and the Atkin's diet is definitely , in my mind, not the way to go. There is nothing worse than being so stopped up that you can't get your poop out naturally & you have to use your fingers!!!!!

Hey, Daphne. I agree that the Atkins diet doesn't sound so good, but I am pretty certain that Dr. Atkins died from a head injury after slipping on some ice on the way to his office... Maybe it's an urban myth that he died from heart disease, etc.

GREAT STORY! JUST WANTED TO SHARE WITH YOU - MY FAMILY HAS A TERM FOR THE SENSE OF "URGENCY" THAT ONE FEELS BEFORE THEY ARE ABOUT TO DEFECATE... IT IS CALLED "TOUCHING CLOTH" OR "TOUCHING COTTON". SO, WHEN WE WERE ON ONE OF OUR LONG FAMILY VACATIONS AND THE REST STOPS ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN AND YOU REALLY, REALLY HAD TO GO - YOU ANNOUNCED TO THE REST OF THE FAMILY THAT YOU WERE "TOUCHING CLOTH" - WHICH MEANT WE NEED TO STOP NOW!! ..AND TO HELL WITH TOILET PAPER!!!

The way I heard Atkins died was both causes mentioned by Daphne and Pooper Scooper. Yes, he did slip and hit his head, but it is not what killed him. He went to the hospital and died because his heart was too weak to support him after such a strain. I don't know about the overweight thing, but I do know that his heart had severe damage from what the coroner said was "old age". Who knows? Maybe they're both myths and Atkins was murdered by Elvis's alien loved child. :-)

Well, with all this speculation of dirty fingernails, there's somethingI'd like to share...
One time, I had one of my friends' 5 year old daughter's over to my house (I was babysitting her), and I had just bought a brand new box of Frosted Flakes...my FAVORITE cereal!!!! And no sooner had I opened it up then she came running out of the bathroom, saw the cereal, said, "ooohh!!!! MY FAVORITE!!!!", and plunged her hand straight down into the box.
Well, it wouldn't have been so bad except that when she pulled her hand out, there were MASSIVE clumps of poop under her fingernails, and even a little bit smeared up her hand!!!

Needless, to say, she got sent home with a new box of cereal!
...(I guess that's one good way to jack somebody's cereal box!!!)

Yes, The Big Wiper, the Cher infomercial was pretty bad, but I give props to that idiot Ron Popiel (or however you spell his name). His just keep on coming...he need to come out with a product worth buying, you know, like The Turd Slicer. For those hard to flush 2x4's.

Hey Ex-Hippie: Back in the 60's, Bob Dylan was asked if there was just one thing he would ever "sell out" and do a commercial for. He smiled and said "women's undergarments"

TBW-- Is it a guy thing to talk about ach others' bodily functions, or is it that you just have a reeeallly open relationship with your father? Or is he just really shameless? I cannot imagine discussing bowel issues with either of my parents, and I really really can't see my husband talking poop with ANYONE in his family. It's nice that you and your dad are, so, um, close. I guess. :)

Butt nuggets--digging for black hills gold. Your story made me laugh.

"But at least the most recent ones haven't embargoed his shipping channel and damned his torpedoes."

Hit the poopdeck and it's anchors aweigh away-full speed ahead!

_______
keeping the whack in tally-ho...
Fartuituos!
Serenshittipy!

So the moral of the story is never go on these fad diets, right? I'm looking for a diet but don't want a crappy one.

_______
"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

Hey DiNGo8mYbaBy, I believe Dylan actually said

"The answer, my friend,is nestled next to quim,
the answer is nestled next to quim".

Most people aware that Dylan not only sang poetry but spoke in cryptic ways understood this to mean female undergarments. What's surprising is he made a few changes to this line and it became one of his most famous songs.

Great story TBW.

The Atkin's diet is the WORST thing that someone can do to their body, it like commiting dietary suicide. Just look at how old these fad diet doctors live to be. If someone was to follow all of the advice to keep themselves healthy, they would go nuts.

Fiber is very important in eliminating toxins from the body, and keeping the digestive system healthy.
_______
Watch out for the deadly F4, though he's been gone since '53, he will be back.