"His wit was so appreciated that I graciously told him I'd give him the first bite when it was ready."

Too, too funny!!!!

I'm not sure if I should be excited or disturbed by the fact that I'm now craving some kind of powered mix. Being a homemaker, my cupboards are full of delicious ingredients which I could throw together in hopes of concocting my own gut muffins. Your girlfriend really should take better care of you. Any self-respecting woman of the new millenium would have her boyfriends freezer stocked with casseroles and baked goods for when the munchies hit. Shame on her! Although, to be fair, if you had eaten properly we wouldn't have been treated to your story.

you should have added the 2 old eggs....

go buy some food

First, for guys who live alone, need to eat, but dont know how to cook, Men's Health Magazine has some great simple recipes entitled 'A man, a can a plan.' They may even have them assembled in a collection by now. They are all based on stuff you can readily find at any market, and they're super-quick.

My hunch is that your pal is correct: the cake mix, the muffin mix, and the butter were what screwed you over. Here's why I think so:

1) Your meal was high carb. That gave your gut bacterial lots of sugar to munch on. Result: catastrophic gas.

2) The muffin and the cake mix probably contained hydrogenated oils. Hydrogenated oils prolong shelf life because they dont break down. (They're the shittiest fats you can eat, though--much worse than butter.)

So the oils in the cake mix, plus the butter would have had a massive laxative effect--and produced serious mal-odor after the gut bacteria went to work on them.

Without realizing it, you created a gut-bomb. Good thing you and your pal didnt try to light a match behind it...!

Thanks for breaking it down like that Pooper!

As for "An Admirer's" comment, TALK TO MY GIRLFRIEND...PLEASE!! You're so right! I'm just a clumsy, retarded, oafy, typical male. Yes, I'm a successful artist and musician, but having those skills means I'm gonna be lacking somewhere else. The kitchen!

I don't always eat like that. That was just one really stupid night on my part. I actually can cook. I just don't want to.

You shouldn't HAVE to cook. I'm telling ya, train that girlfriend!

As a bachelor myself, I usually one eat one thing at a time. I recently moved and only ate ramen noodles for about 2 weeks until my genetals started smelling like the oriental 'broth mix'. Then I ate nothing but spagetti till I woke up with heartburn and the taste of rancid noodles. Then frozen burritoes till I ate 13 in one day and got so sick I couldn't keep down water.

I decided to buy several packs of lunchmeat, loaves of bread, mayonnaise, mustard, and pickles. I'll probably be dead by the time I make it through all of that.

I eat balanced, just not all at once.

I'm a bachelor as well and I've had my share of experimentation. Actually, there was this time that my folks were going out of town when I was 20 and they asked me to watch the house. I was gonna live alone there for 4 days. Mom was going to cook and freeze my rations for the days but I stupidly said that she was goin gon holiday and should not do anything extra for me.

They had everything stockpiled at the house. There were fresh fruits, canned veggies, unexpired milk, etc.....all there. I don't know how to cook so when I got off of work on day 1 it was really late and I was beat so I look for some eats and find only Taco Bell open. That was mistake #1.

I went inside and saw this ad for this thing called a Grande Meal. It had like 12 tacos, 6 burritos, a mexican pizza, and something else that turned to sewage inside of me in the next few days. Anyway, I went home and ate like 2 tacos and a burrito and I went to bed. The next day I was a total jackass cause instead of cooking I just bummed all morning and watched TV (the cable guy had hooked up mom and dad with the pay per view channels). Time to go to work came so I just went to the fridge and got the cold burritos. I dunno why but I like cold food in the morning. I eat the burrito and off I go.

I was okay all day but then that afternoon I feel this acid burn in my gut that I will never forget. It felt like someone took an interstate battery, removed the cap, and injected the fluids into my intestines. I had no urge to dump......just this intense burn.

I bought some pepto at the local drugstore and restored my body to equilibrium. Actually, I felt like an iron man cause I felt so balanced. I went home and ate some more of the grande meal cause my lazy ass was glued to the TV. Hey, they had the porno channel for free at the house. I don't think mom knew about that cause it was some weird number like 77 when the last channel cut off at 65. Don't ask me how I found 77. Anyway I watch the FREE PORN for a few hours....lmao.....and eat the grande meal.

That night I woke up from a sound sleep and instinctually ran to the toilet. The pain was so intense that my body just went on auto pilot and planted itself on the bowl. I was half asleep and losing 15 pounds at the same time. The amount of butt mud that came out was so much that it formed a dune that exceeded the water level in the bowl. I was disgusted and proud of my accomplishment at the same time.

Actually my girlfriend offers to cook for me quite often. I just don't want to put her out. I'm a big boy.

I should be able to take care of myself. By the way, my pet name for her is "poopa pie". Go figure.

I love to cook. I do 95% of the cooking in my household. when I was younger, I wanted to become a chef, but most chefs have to work nights and weekends.

I am approaching age 40, and looking back I am now sorry I didn't chase this dream.

I cooked a big pot of spicy chili this weekend and have been eating it nonstop. I also bought several loaves of Panara cheese bread to go with it. It cost $3.65 a loaf, but is well worth it. I have got a huge pot of chicken soup on the stove right now..that hits the spot on a cold winter day.

Why am I posting this nonsense? It might have something to do with the 12 pack I am almost done working on right now.

Having rejoined the ranks of bachelorata I find my will to cook has all but disappeared. I've always enjoyed cooking for my family... but just don't get too excited about cooking for myself. I am fortunate to have an elderly black lady in the building that has taken a liking to me. She will from time to time surprise me with some black eyed peas and a turkey neck. She is responsible for many cases of butt flog but I don't complain. I'll trade strange wrinkle wind with having to cook any day. Pieces...G Ras

Dude - I've sauced my pants so many times from pushing what I thought was a fart. More often than not lately, my "supposed" farts turn out to be trouser chili. Some of them are not even chili though, they are like ass mucus that just seeps out of my knothole and slimes my boxers. I have gone through so many boxers in the past few months.

I just stumbled across this site. I am truly at peace here. Poo and anything fecal related is very apealing to me.

Shitting my pants is not. Like Knothole I seem to fart/shit all the time lately. Im only 19, I should be healthy. Peak times are the morning after a long night of draft. A few coffees and a couple smokes later and my underwears a mess. Usually Im too hungover to care or change. BTW to adude ive done that fall asleep while shitting trick before too. Its convinient.

I'm with Doniker, Ass Phlegm....I was waiting for you to add the ancient eggs....now that would have lent a certain something to your duodenal perfume....a certain je ne sais quoi.....thanks for another excellent story, I laughed so hard my sides hurt! I can't believe that concoction you created and actually ate....

Thanks Scat Woman.

Hey Knothole, where do you think I got my name from? Ass Phlegm! That's what I call that "mucus that slimes your boxers".

Welcome, ballsack!

As for the eggs; I hear sounds late at night. Kinda like a gurgling peeping. I think it's a cold, mutated chick in the egg. I'm so scared of those eggs I won't even touch them to throw them out! Eew!

I believe old rotten eggs are a much prized delicacy in the orient....

Ass Phlegm..Be thankful it took such an outrageous concotion to "blow your brichess"..my hubby would simply take a deep breath and blow a burning hole in the couch....for heavens sakes the kids would run for their lives!! LOL....good luck next time on the "snacks".....The Masked Wife!!

When jonesing for chocolate, I used to eat dry instant cocoa mix. That was good, with the little marshmallows, but man the farts were toxic!

Happy trails,
L. Wrong
Chairman & CEO, PPK Industries

Amazing story. I hope AP is doing well with his tragedy off-line.
_______
Yes, those are my brown spots. Yes, those are your walls.

I'm with Doniker. The two old eggs would have really topped it off. And since you would have died, none of us would have had to read this story.