The spring weather in Texas is unpredictable, to say the least. You can be in shorts and a t-shirt getting sunburned one day, and shovelling snow the next.

On this particular weekend in April, we were attending a motorcycle rally in a small town in central Texas. Thursday and Friday were great -- sunshine and temperatures in the upper 70's. Life was good. Unfortunately, being away from radio and TV, we were totally oblivious to what Mother Nature was about to throw at us.

Late Friday night, a blue-norther snuck in and dropped the temperature into the 20's. Even those prepared for bad weather shivered in their sleeping bags, myself included. Holofill, leather, flannel and long underwear were no match for Mother Nature. Many sought temporary refuge in the recently constructed restrooms, the only heated place around.

Most of Saturday was spent trying to keep warm. Besides huddling around the campfire for external comfort, internal warmth was generated with spicy chili and Mexican food smothered in jalapenos, consumed in mass quantities -- and washed down with liberal amounts of alcohol.

In my case, an intense chemical reaction caused by this lethal mix occurred about 2 am Sunday morning. The pain and cramps were so severe it was doubtful I would make the 200 yard trip to the bathroom without soiling myself. Fortunately, the cramps subsided temporarily and my bike was nearby, so I was able to make it a rather uneventful 2-wheeled journey.

Another wave of pain shot through my bowels and panic set in as I began stripping down to my long underwear. As each layer of clothing came off, I was forced to clench my butt-cheeks tighter and tighter to avoid depositing my load prematurely. Finally arriving at the union suit layer, I quickly dropped the trap door and mounted the throne.

Relief at last! As I relaxed my butt-muscles, my bowels rapidly emptied and the pain and cramps subsided. As anyone who has been there can tell you, the feeling is almost better than sex. Even sex with another person.

Unfortunately, yesterday's meals were propelled by gas more lethal than anything the U.N. discovered in Iraq. The internal discomfort was quickly replaced with a severe burning sensation at both ends -- like someone simultaneously spraying you in the face with mace and shoving a red-hot poker up your ass. As I pried open one teary eye, I could see a green fog engulfing me.

The fumes were so bad, I began gagging as I tried to finish the job and sort out the paperwork. It was then I noticed the toxic green cloud was now seeping from the stall and spreading throughout the restroom. I knew the vapors would prove fatal to others, so I rapidly formulated an escape plan -- go quickly and quietly into the night.

As I was pulling up my pants, I heard the squeak of a hinge, followed by several heavy footsteps. Suddenly the footsteps stopped, and rather timid, pained male voice cried out "Oh, Jesus!" I heard a volley of rapid footsteps, then silence. When I poked my head out of the stall door, I was alone. I'm certain that guy had just found God.

Once dressed, I exited the scene of the crime as fast as my feet would carry me. Back in the cold and dark, I mounted the bike for the trip back to my tent. As I was riding away, several other people walked past me to the bathroom. They opened the door, closed it quickly, and then for some reason chose instead to relieve themselves behind a nearby tree.

-- Rodent