Hmmmm. I wonder what I'll do today. I've got it! I'm going to drive down to McDonalds and fish turds out of the toilets and play with shit all day! Yayyyyy!

Disgusting.

My gut reaction was similar to the many voices of condemnation above, but I see in this story a good man who cracked under stress. Judge this man not on his admittedly wrong actions, but on the fact that this was an anomalie, a temporary slide into insanity. This is a man who's moral compass tells him shitting in his friend's quad bathroom (whatever the hell that is) would be morally wrong. The man not only has a set of rules by which to shit, but in fact an exceptionally conservative set of rules! He is a man who has demonstrated his adherance to these rules in his use of the courtesy flush, a flush many of our own poopreporters to not employ! IN selflessly desiring the utmost cleanliness for the beligerant door pounder, while the awesome force of Nature itself precluded him from achieving it Mitch experienced an understandable, momentary lapse of reason. A shameful shitter to the hilt, he could not make his dookie dissappear the correct way, so in his desire for ultimate courtesy, and cleanliness, he opted for what he incorrectly reasoned as the next best thing: The outward appearance of cleanliness.

It could have been you.

wow thats so gross. god forbid you own up to it and get a manager-or throw it in the trash. its bad enough that you touched your own shit basically, but you also left it for someone else. for shame!

I would have liked this story better if you hadn't called the guy outside an idiot. Why is he an idiot? Just because he was a little impatient to get in the bathroom? Duh--he had to go. If you didn't give any indication of your fecal distress, how was he to know that you couldn't leave the bathroom just then? Maybe he was a very scrupulous guy who thought it improper to use the women's room, for whatever reason.

And dude, you should have used the garbage can.

I would have quit if I would have had to clean it up. . . .

yuck

I think somebody called that Upper Decking, where you put your poop in the tank, and you get brown water flushes.

great story

thats like.... manual upper decking?

Well, at least you gave a courtesy flush. That should keep el cagador off your back. He has an obsession with such things.

Chris. Congratulations on getting the guest editor spot.
Mitch. I don't understand why you didn't consider leaving the two massive logs in situ, perhaps with a sign posted on the toilet: “Don’t flush. Possible record breaker.”

Mitch: Very interesting story. Maybe you could clarify some things, though. Did you let the knocker know you were busy making something, or did you simply cower behind the sound of the hand drier? Can you explain your statement about single occupancy, gender specific bathrooms, and shitting? I would think that rules could be bent for a quick piss, but NOT for a dump. Is that what you meant?
Other than a couple little distracting dead-end tangents, a pretty good story.

Turd terrorism is not that funny. I used to work at a book store. Turd terrorists love to poop on books that they don't agree with. Of course some poor shlub is going to have to clean that up, you ass hole.

Let me get this straight. You put your hand in a filthy restaurant toilet and picked up turds? I hope if we ever meet you don't shake my hand. Have you ever heard of something called disease?

Putting your hand in a public toilet has got to be one of the nastiest things I could think of. Upper Decking is definately Turd Terrorism and should be frowned on, if not illegal. By the way, what's with every paragraph having at least one sentence in parentheses?

Addendum: My conclusion is an analogy. Would you condemn your child, who in trying to make you a cupcake, substituted salt for sugar in a moment of wrong-reasoning, with the intent to make your day a little nicer, despite the undeserved spanking you'd doled out earlier?

I should hope not.

Excellent analysis, Shitass. As always, you've seen through to the heart of the situation. The charges should be dropped to involuntary turd terrorism with a suspended sentence as long as Mitch agrees to attend a 6-week workshop on shitting etiquette.

Thats too funny, I would have thrown it at the knocking idiot.

What a grub. Based on his "half laughing, half hysterical" mention, he full well knew EXACTLY what he did, Upper Deck Turd Terrorism. A sympathy note for the poor schlub that had to pick his mushy, stinky lincoln logs out of the tank. He would be pissed if someone did that to his crapper at home. Peace out!

"half laughing, half hysterical" (HLHH) = good reason to suspect someone is insane.

Imagine you go to confession. You say, "Bless me Father for I have sinned..." and the priest is HLHH.

You stop at a toll booth, try to hand the attendant a dollar, but you can't because he's HLHH.

You're on a city bus trying to read a paper, but you can't because the driver is HLHH.

You call to get your credit card balance and the customer service specialist is HLHH.

Sounds like a bunch of crazy people to me...

Awesome story:) This story reminds me off the time I was bartending in college. Somebody told me to go check the bathroom. When I entered the bathroom I just saw a long brown stripe down the wall. It looked like somebody had thrown brown squash against the wall and let it roll down to a heaping mound of crap on the floor. Somebody must have pushed their asscheecks against the wall and forced out a playdough fun-factory dump. I was so disgusted I just mopped the wall and went and had a shot of Jack. The morning guy cleaned up the rest.

i just don't get it. why do people go to such extremes to cover up their toilet cloggings? i can understand not wanting anyone to know you pooped so big that you can't flush it. but why get rid of the evidence? why not just go out and tell the people waiting that the toilet's clogged and get an employee to fix it? it's not like you have to say you did it. you could just be all like, "yea, i went in to pee and the toilet was full, so i tried flushing it and...." so on.

but maybe i'm alone here, but if it came down to admitting i clogged a toilet or touching my own poop, i'd gladly take the embarrassment over poopy hands any day.

Hi all...this is Mike, the aforementioned lifelong friend of Mitch...he told about this post so I respond. First off we were right outside of Binghamton, NY and secondly i was drinking an Iced Tea, i never got a donut, but i was reading a paper.
Anyway, when Mitch came blazing out of that bathroom, after a VERY LONG TIME, i tell ya, the kid was panicked, looking every which way, and when he demanded we leave right now, I flew up and left. I thought he just stunk it up real bad...boy was I wrong!! And yes we were yucking it up the rest of the ride. This was dubbed at the time an Instant Classic!!! and still is, about 3 to 4 years later..maybe longer...Mitch, that was amazing...a story for the ages and the grandkids!!

that is just nasty.

This story is pure diarrhea. Gives a whole new spin to the phrase "run-on sentence".

^ oops.

That's just an upper-decker. With your hands. For no reason. How uncouth.

...I'm pretty sure that's a grave-dig.
_______
juiop: a juicy poop

omfg so that was you, i had to clean that and i got fired for flipping off the manager because of that disgusting piece of guargantuan dukie