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The Jet-Powered Enema

Posted 03.17.2003 by Billious (50)
Back in 1999, I was dating this oddity of a woman named Maureen, whose presence in my life inspired many things that I would consider to be "shitty" -- but the worst came on a steamy summer afternoon on the waterfront. Her family had won a Jet-Ski in a Subway promotion, and it was definitely going to waste. Luckily, I was more than happy to oblige in giving it some use.

Having decided that being hurled off of a moving vehicle at 50mph was simply not her idea of a good time, Maureen had already given up being a passenger. With no female influence to slow me down, I was in the zone, hopping waves at insane speeds, and generally acting like a fool.

I saw a speedboat go by, creating a wake that any adrenaline fiend would kill for. I revved up the engine to max power and headed into the wake with all reckless abandon. Mankind has often sought to be released from the binds of gravity, and indeed for a few fateful seconds I experienced the liberty of the bird. I cannot say my landing was as graceful, however, as the Jet-Ski and I met the water with a resounding thud. Given the angle of my departure from the water (nose up to the air), the landing was orientated in quite a similar fashion. As gravity fought to reclaim me, I slid off the rear end of the Jet-Ski.

Now, anyone familiar with Jet-Skis knows that there is an engine kill lanyard which you wear around your wrist. The idea is that if you become separated from the Jet-Ski, a length of stretchy plastic will yank a lanyard out from under the kill switch, causing the engine to shut off.

I discovered that the stretchtitude of this lanyard was of a length greater than the distance between the handlebars and the rear of the craft. With my legs spread apart the width of the Jet-Ski seat, my ass slipped off the end and entered the water; and my puckered starfish was thus directly subjected to the raging torrent of a jet-propelled high-colonic. While my swimsuit provided a small buffer, the lake water nevertheless attacked the insides of my ass with great fury.

That was quite enough. Calling it a day, Maureen and I headed to her house. I noticed that my lower half was feeling quite sore and distended, but I assumed that it was a muscular reaction to the battering my body received throughout the day. Eventually, cramping and aching hit me, and I felt it would be good to go to the bathroom. As I sat down on the toilet, a torrent of diarrheal nastiness exploded outwards with a force I had never known my ass to create. The toilet bowl half filled up with a mixture of lake water and shit.

Not expecting that I would be having a noisy encounter, I had entered the bathroom with utter disregard for Maureen's family on the other side of the door. Oh the relief my ass felt... but at the price of my dignity. The walk out of that bathroom was a walk of shame, with all eyes looking at me with complete disdain. Luckily, being an old Victorian house, it was not equipped with a ventilation fan, and eventually the smell dealt them all a blow of revenge.

-- Billious



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crappercritic (not verified) -- 03.17.2003

this story sounds fucking fake

Tydirium (516) -- 03.17.2003

no it doesn;t

hmm (not verified) -- 03.17.2003

YES IT IS FAKE IN ITS ENTIRETY

Scabbed Things (not verified) -- 03.17.2003

i know the guy. i've heard him tell this tale a million times. i assure you, this man is all about his shit incidents and this one is not fake.

doniker (1535) -- 03.17.2003

I haven't commented in a while because I really haven't been able to identify with any of the current "participants" on PoopReport.

The comments, like on this post, are what I am talking about. PoopReport is so great, this story is great, it is sad that certain people don't appreciate it.

Paul_Looter (not verified) -- 03.17.2003

This story certainly makes sense. A similar experience happened to me when I fell while water skiing. The only difference was that I let loose right then, muddying the waters, so to speak. For awhile the name 'Crystal Lake' did not apply.

Billious (50) -- 03.17.2003

Thanks Scabbed Things, Doniker, Paul & Tyridium!

Doniker, I know I haven't been participating in the forums yet, but I plan to soon... just wanted to say "hey" to one of the greats :P

Next story to come has to do with everyone's favorite bastion of portable pooing - the port-a-potty :P

> (not verified) -- 03.18.2003

Yeah, you know what? I prefer that the stories are true, but it actually doesnt really matter either way. I mean, relative, right? I thought it was nice. I always want to say "I like the part when he went poop". And its true. I liked the part when he poop. Quit baggin!

Billious (50) -- 03.18.2003

Well believe it or not, this was true... I know better than to lie about something as superior as shit... I don't know why, but my life always seems to deliver odd events... I swear to god that I had jet propelled lake water inserted into my unwilling ass!

I just need to get around to writing about my friend Peewee, and his portapotty incident :P

alex (not verified) -- 03.18.2003

this is poopreport, correct? is the point of this website not to report your oddest poops?

it might be far-fetched, but it's certainly believable, and it's exactly what this website needs.

joey of bedpans (not verified) -- 03.18.2003

hey guys guess what......WHO CARES IF IT IS REAL!!! who cares if any storys on this web site r real!! they r still funny!!! did u not come here for laughs??

cap'n bob (not verified) -- 03.21.2003

i come here to laugh, i laughed. I have also recived the water ski enema and i belive this tale.

Apapak (not verified) -- 03.22.2003

THat was soooooooo sick

Scat Woman (not verified) -- 03.26.2003

"puckered starfish"....i love that

shittytitties (not verified) -- 04.06.2003

that was an interesting story, too bad crapper critic doesn't believe it, because it sounds plausible to me! (and slightly erotic as well!)

Gutbuster (112) -- 04.20.2003

You know, I will bet the sales of jet-skis goes through the roof in the gay community this year after they read this story. Their ass against the jet-blast from a hot tub aint gonna be enough now!

poo (not verified) -- 04.21.2003

in regard to people saying this was made up... nobody wins those subway promotions.

HEY POO (not verified) -- 07.16.2003

HOW DO YOU KNOW POO???

sli (not verified) -- 10.28.2003

wouldnt the force of it cause some internal injury?

The Other David (123) -- 06.21.2004

Look folks, for those of you who doubt 'Billious's' story, almost two years ago, during the 50 Jubiläumkongress of the DGL (German Grand lodge of AMORC, in Baden-Baden, I went to the world famous Caracala Thernobäder and while in the outdoor pool with several jets of warm water, besides finding such very sentual from the FRONT end, as the water was churning, it was impossible to see me with my trunks down as I forced myself against the wall of this pool where my arse was right in front of one of these jets of water. As it was just below my arseline, I stooped down a bit (face still above water) and was rather curious about the feeling upon my arse -- another errogenous zone, no? Well, unexpectedly, the force of this jet was much stronger than expected! The jetstream had penetrated my sphincter, and had ENTERED my well...you know what, and wound up receiving an instant enema! (...and NO! I most certainly did NOT release the 'contentum' back into the water! I got out and headed for the nearest loo, and shot out a diarrhoeal mixture of Caracala Thermobadwasser und Fäkalmaterial! So it IS possible for the author of the above story to have had water in the lake pushed by such force as to have entered the rectum!

Anonymous Philanthropist (not verified) -- 03.17.2006

Just beware of those old Victorian houses.

DungDaddy (1369) -- 10.26.2006

I like this story. Short, poop related and violent.

healthy 1 (1423) -- 02.09.2007

Great story. I am to tooo familiar with jet skiing, but the lake water up the ass, sound like it was a freak occurence.

Thanks godness that you were not seriously injured.
_______
I am winter's hurricane, I am the great blizzard of 1899, and no body shall be exempt from my wrath.

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 08.18.2008

I also received a lakewater enema yesterday when I fell off the back of a tube, being pulled by a jet ski at about 40 miles per hour. I hit the water butt first. When I went to the bathroom it was a slimy mixture of lakewater and poop pieces. Then I started bleeding when I would poop or fart and my mom made me go to the emergency room. It's a rectal tear and I have to take antibiotics and put ointment on it so it won't get infected.

WEAR A WETSUIT OR SLOW DOWN.

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