A similar situation happened to me:

I once went to visit a cousin who lived an hour away, and we decided to meet at a bar & grill. I ordered 3 lbs of Hot Wings and some beer. I am a bodybuilder, 6'1 and 265 lbs, so I need lots of food to fuel my body. Anyways, as the hours passed on, and the wings and beer were consumed, my stomach began to rumble, with the brown warrior from down under approaching the surface. I decided I could wait til I got home.

I said goodbye to my cousin and began the hour-long drive back to my house. About 15 minutes from my house, my bowels began to churn. I could feel the diarrhea stirring, like food in a blender. I knew I would have to get home fast or I would ruin the leather seats in my car. I stepped on the gas, doing 170 KPH all the way home.

As I pulled into my driveway, I felt the hot molten brown lava slowly creeping up my anal crevices...imminent danger...my body turned on "Terror Alert: BROWN"

I managed to get in my house, with my butt cheeks clenched, and began to climb the 8 steps to the bathroom. I managed to toss off my jacket, shirt and undo my pants all in one motion as I painfully crawled the 4 feet to my toilet. As I pulled down my pants, my anal volcano could no longer hold in the eruption. Gallons on brown soft lava erupted from my posterior as I sat down. I was able to get my bum onto the seat just in time, with very little chocolate sauce hitting the seat.

It felt like hours, as I pooed hot sauce out of my rectum. I had to slap myself on my knee and pinch my legs to avoid the pain from my burning anal rim of fire. The smell was horrendous...a mix of rotten egg and Sulfuric Acid. About 35 minutes later, I emerged from the bathroom, and closed the door and turned on the fan. I crawled into my bed at 3 AM, next to my girlfriend who was sound asleep.

The next morning, I woke up when I heard her coughing and she walked into our bedroom and said "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU EAT LAST NIGHT!! THE BATHROOM STINKS LIKE ROTTEN EGGS!!!! She sprayed about 2 cans of air freshener and then we went to the store. Good thing she loves me, and I know that depp down inside she loves that rotten egg: HCL smell. It's the foundation of a healthy relationship.

With Love,

Jason Poolick

Sometimes it's that last 20 seconds that puts you over the top. Never underestimate the power of a racuos colon.

Q-tips. What kind of nooks and crannies does your toilet have?

its not bad and its not good

"All this time I worked silently, fearing that my wife might wake up, come into the bathroom, and wonder why her husband was mopping the floor, nude, at four in the morning. There would be no possible explanation."

I loved that, the story was good nonetheless. Don't feel bad, I've made the decision of grabbing reading materials before a much needed shit. Got the wall next to the toilet.

Oh, man! Your wife must be one sound sleeper! At least you cleaned the bathroom yourself, though. That would not have been a good thing to wake up to! If you have room, get a magazine rack of some sort- even if you just throw old catalogues in it, you'll never be without something to read while on the can again! Also, old mags nearby can be handy if you happen to be in the dreaded situation of running out of tp while on the throne!

What I find fascinating about this story (and the comment by the shit pistol) is that it suggests that the urge to read, or more generally to occupy our minds, is nearly as strong as the urge to poop. I too hate to find myself stranded on a john with nothing to read. Finding myself with no materials in other people’s houses, I’ll carefully study the directions on shampoo bottles within reach. What’s going on here?

I have a magazine rack in my bathroom so that I and any person visiting can have a long relaxing dump while reading a selection of mens magazines

Good story, made me laugh. I would have taken the shower dude...

thats awesome cleaning your bathroom early in the morning while nude I should try that I think I will

OH My God, LogJam. Me too! Reading the bottles under the sink, that is. FD & C Yellow #2, Red #5. If there's no readily available reading material, I grab whatever too. And, there's no reason for it either. Even a well-planned out shit takes no more than a few minutes, hardly long enough to get engrossed in a novel... But there it is. Reading whilst shitting. Glad I'm not the only one.

Holy shit! I read the freakin' shampoo bottle too! And here I thought I was weird or something.

You read the shampoo bottle!!!!!!!

One time i was out with my freinds at a restraunt and were all sitting their and i feel a fart bruwing up but i wasnt sure if it was shit or gas butt i go fulll blast and everyone started laughing butt they didnt know that i had shit my self and the shit started running down my legs i was so enbairest and to top it off i was wearing shorts so it was running down my legs
I new i had to do somthing so i took the napkins on the table and i wiped it off my legs and then i ran to the bathroom cleaned it out and scrubed
it with soap and got it set to go when i came back out everything was cool. Butt always remember its not worth it to mistake a fart for shit :)

"There would be no possible explanation."

What about, "I shitted really crazy and made a mess. Go back to bed honey, I'm cleaning it up."

hahahahaha! bob poolick, your story rules!!!

Wow, and I thought I was the only one reading shampoo bottles, instructions on razor packages, toothpaste (you know there are directions on how to brush?)Anything to occupy the mind during e-vac time. I even read the small label inside my jeans if nothing is in reach :-0 that story was a good one Smirky

After 3 years, my BF has to run the sink while he poops. I come into the bathroom in the morning and strewn about the floor will by my deodorant, makeup, hair products (shampoo is his fave), and whatever he can reach.

Never bet on your poop if you have brown spray. Don't waste the time to grab a magazine. Just sit and shit. Or you'll be sorry.

People often wonder why I always have folded up magazine in my back pocket.

I ate some undercooked fish tacos while I was on vacation a few months ago. When I got back to my hotel room the *major* food poisoning kicked in. For about 8 hours I had fluid pouring out of both ends. I had to shit maybe every 10 minutes. I was constantly drinking water to keep myself from dying of dehydration.

Anyway, it was like taking the biggest piss in the world out of my asshole. Because it was all liquid that went straight out like a firehose, but the stream was like half an inch wide.

I didn't eat for a week afterwards, even though I was pretty much better and probably could have kept food down just fine.

I can still remember that first triumphant normal poop after recovering. It was about 9 days later. A nice, firm, solid log that slid majestically into the water. Not too fast, not too slow. It was just right.

Remember to leave a supply of reading material in youe bathroom next time.

In my bathroom there is "The Great American Bathroom Book: Volume 1". The book contains one-page summaries of business and leadership, personal effectiveness, biographies, quotes, etc. It takes about same time to read as a good dump. I recommend this book to others seeking light reading while poised on porcelain. 1 800 755 9777 is the number inside the 1992 edition.

Shouldn't have gone for the mags. Keep 'em handy in the crapper at all times. Don't push your luck!

plut plut, plaw plaw plaw plaw plaw plaw plaw!

There once was a man who lived in a shoe,
He had no bathroom, nowhere to poo,
No toilet in sight, it was quite heinus,
So he opened his window, and spread open his anus.

THE END

lol

I do exactly what Logjam does when I have nothing to occupy myself on the Fecal Vaccuum, read everything and anything i can get my hands on. I've noticed people i know have some disturbing medical conditions since they leave their medication out in the bathroom. Once i didn't know what a medication was for, so i looked it up and it was for female sexual arousal...defintely something you want to put back in the medicine cabinet. Usually when i'm in someone else's place I just listen to my mp3 player, but if i'm in a situation where i have to hear who's nearby so i can keep the noise down or if there's no lock on the door, i read whatever's around. I'll bet i know their bathrooms better than they do.

I have constructed the ultimate solution to entertainmentless shit...The PoopDesk!
Thanks to the wonders of modern science you too can never be without fresh reading material for those long sessions.
Actually I just have a plastic table in front of the shitter, and wireless networking for my laptop. When the urge strikes I don't have to think about what I have/haven't read. Just grab the computer and head for the poopdesk.

I have to call this one out. He says the shower will wake up his wife, so it apparently isn't an option. However, at the end of the story he says "Well, I cleaned up, showered..." And his wife didn't wake up? Also, is the bathroom in a closet? How did his shitspray reach every possible surface in the bathroom? I can understand the toilet and immediately surrounding area, but the walls, shower curtain and bathtub?? This defies the laws of fecal physics. Thank you.

Let me explain, folks. I *DID* shower, AFTER it was done. Had I showered right away, and *if* she had woken up, she would have entered a bathroom covered in feces. What I did was this: I threw the clothes in the washer, cleaned the bathroom thoroughly, and THEN showered. Had she woken up then, it wouldn't have matttered. The john would have been clean and I could always have said, "I felt like showering before I went to bed instead of in the morning." It would have been defensible.

And yes, snooter, our bathroom is a closet. We live in small townhouse-style apartment. When you sit down on the can, your knees are about 18" from the opposite wall, and the edge of the toilet is not even 6" from the tub/shower.