poopreport : Stories About Poop :

i poop and i vote

Mall Splats

Posted 05.19.2004 by Fuzzy Puppy (10)
One day when I was a teenager, I went to the mall with a friend. His uptight, snotty mother drove us in her new Jaguar and agreed to let us wander for a few hours. My friend and I made the rounds (Spencer's Gifts, the Gap, Fannie Farmer, etc.), basically acting like the immature jerks we were.

We stopped off at Burger King and I ordered my usual: chicken tenders, fries, Coke, and apple pie (YUM!). We scarfed our food down and resumed our mall patrol. About ten minutes later, though, I felt the gastro-avalanche start to rumble, as if the delicate balance needed to keep everything in place had suddenly gone out of whack. Often, when you have to make fudge out of the house, you can keep it under control and go on with your business until such time as an acceptable crapper becomes available. This time, though, I knew I was in trouble. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold it in for even five minutes, forget waiting to get home.

I needed a bathroom.

Unfortunately, we happened to be shopping at the mall built for people without bladders or rectums, so there were no public pissoirs. I was too embarrassed to tell my friend what I was experiencing, though he could tell by my pallid, sweat-soaked face that something was awry. I analyzed the floor plan of the mall in my head, wondering where a men's room could be tucked away. I finally realized that the only john was the one at Burger King. So, back we went.

On the way there, I thought I'd relieve some of the pressure, so I let the guards know it was okay to allow a little fart slip through -- but my guards promptly threw down their weapons and took off completely. Before I knew it, a huge wet load of chocolate pudding had landed in my drawers. Goddamn f---ing hell!!! This cannot be happening! I was sure an enormous splotch of foul seepage was blooming on the seat of my jeans. I didn't say anything to my friend. I just doubled our pace and prayed I wouldn't feel it running down my legs.

We got to BK and I ran downstairs to the men's room. Alas, there was a line. I was number six to take care of my number two. I stood patiently, trying to act cool, like I didn't have a pound of bowel cakes steaming in my pants. Why won't these people hurry up?! What's taking them so long?! There was only one stall and it was occupied by a man who cracked the door open and waved for me to come over. He, however, was being watched by another man who looked like Secret Service or FBI, and I didn't want to get involved in any intrigue or espionage with a load of shit taking up all my trunk space, so I declined his offer. He finally left the stall. The fed escorted him out. Another man took his place on the crapper.

And so it went until it was my turn. I stepped inside and dropped my jeans, expecting to see a mess of Bosco all over everything. As it turned out, my Hanes seemed to be acting like diapers, and all I had to do was remove my undies. I stepped out of them, worrying that the other men could see my shame under the stall. I deposited the soiled undergarment behind the toilet and went to wipe... no butt paper. The humiliation was complete! I pulled up my pants, held my head high, and strode out of the men's room.

I met my friend upstairs. "You were down there an hour. We're late. My mother's going to be pissed." We ran to the rendezvous, a lightness in my step I never thought I'd feel again. All the way home, I worried that my encrusted butt was giving off fumes and that I might stain the luxurious white interior of the new Jag; but no one seemed to notice. I took a shower as soon as I got home and put on some clean underwear. No one ever knew my secret until now.

-- Fuzzy Puppy



email this page | printer friendly version
daphne (3527) -- 05.19.2004

No one smelled your secret? Not even on the way home? That's amazing. Maybe it's me, (actually, I have an extremely keen sense of smell), but I couldn't drive one of my son's friend's home and not notice he had poop on his butt.
Or, do you think she was too "mannered" to notice?
I guess that was the only luck you had that day!!

I wonder what the person who went in next thought of your drawers. Hehehe.

ThreePly (not verified) -- 05.19.2004

So there was some dude in the bathroom trying to lure other boys in the bathroom? And someone was just waiting to escort him out?! Whoa there. Please explain that one to me.

pooQueen (not verified) -- 05.19.2004

Hahaha, "enormous splotch of foul seepage blooming on the seat of my jeans". Very well said! I loved the story. Why is it in malls the bathrooms are always tucked away down these long lonely corridors? That's where they always are at the malls I go to. That sucks you were reduced to having to drop your load in a BK lounge. I would say "at least you made it"....but you didn't.

Di Uhreea (409) -- 05.19.2004

"when you have to make fudge out of the house"

"Unfortunately, we happened to be shopping at the mall built for people without bladders or rectums"

"a load of shit taking up all my trunk space"

Those were funny lines! I, too, want to know about the dude with the cracked-open door waving you over....

Sceptic the Cynic (not verified) -- 05.19.2004

Why the fuck didn't you use the women's room, fool? Why the hell didn't you wipe with the undies? Did your friend's mom every take you to the mall again in her Jag? That should tell you something right there. Of course, maybe she was so used to suckin' ass ...

Do you still patronize Burger King? If so, don't you see a pattern? Eat at Burger King ... shit your britches.

The GAP? hahahahahahaha. You probably got all loose in the anus just wandering thru the GAP.

F-A-N-N-Y Farmers? hahahahahaha. Is this some sort of subliminal ass storyline or something?

The GAP, FANNY Farmers, Bugger King ...

liquidy_poo (63) -- 05.19.2004

hey man, don't knock burger king. THEY don't pile those crappy onions on their burgers. THEY don't fill their commercials with tasteless music. burger king rules.

daphne (3527) -- 05.19.2004

I also love, liquidy poo, that Burger King has a veggie burger.
However, MacDonald's has the best fries, in my opinion.

Malicious Pooper (not verified) -- 05.20.2004

How did the conversation go from crapping at a mall to burger king food? I'll change the subject again... I sent Dave a poem about public bathrooms, and it should be going on the website soon...

Malicious Pooping (Paul)

anonymous coward (not verified) -- 05.20.2004

'Bowel cakes...' classic!

Poop Partner (not verified) -- 05.21.2004

My goodness, I thing I just crapped my pants.

Good night.

SiN (not verified) -- 05.22.2004

wow... this site... thats fuckin great this is the first page i saw so im writing here but this site is so fuckin wierd that it fuckin kix ass!

Stu (not verified) -- 05.23.2004

No butt paper? He had underwear!

Tudy Patooty (not verified) -- 05.28.2004

I work for an inventory company and see a lot of back rooms of a lot of stores. In case you weren't sure -- just for the record -- EVERY store in every mall I've seen has a bathroom in back. Look desperate enough and many store clerks are bound to let you use it. If they don't, they deserve the mess you may make on their floor.

scatilla the hun (not verified) -- 06.20.2004

I must admit that McDonald's always gives me the "five minute warning"- but BK doesn't. I literally have 5 minutes to make it to a shitter- or else! I feel your pain. and being an adolescent could only have made it worse. It's amazing that the "Jag Hag" didn't say something, as she'd probably noticed, and far be it from those ritzy types (whose farts come from such tight-asses that they cause dogs to cringe in pain) to leave something snotty unsaid, THAT is the true miracle!

TeenieBowel (not verified) -- 08.17.2004

were you like 13 at the time?
did you wear briefs?
who r u!

nameless (not verified) -- 08.31.2004

my husband is often victim of the trying to hold it too long thing. he said he actually had to CUT his underwear off once(wearing boots)i laugh so hard when he comes home commando!

febreze butt cheeks (not verified) -- 10.16.2004

My GOD! HAHA!

Post new comment



Prove you're not a spambot: what bodily function is this site about? Four letters, begins with p...

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.

*

  • Allowed HTML tags: <a> <em> <strong> <cite> <code> <ul> <ol> <li> <dl> <dt> <dd> <br>
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
More information about formatting options
20,000 character limit / Flood control: 60 seconds between comments and no more than 10 comments per hour
RETURN TO INDEX:
Stories About Poop

i poop and i vote
 


About PoopReport | Advertise! | The PoopReport Press Room | Report Your Poop | Contact Dave | Copyright 2000-2008 PoopReport.com