The Call Of Nature

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l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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In my little city, we have these beautiful paved bike trails that go all over the place, wandering through the woods, following the creeks and streams, tying into other trails that follow the edge of a lake or go over to the ocean. You can go for miles and miles. On a beautiful clear day, it really is a lot of fun to follow this maze of trails.

One time a new lady friend and I were going to go for a bike ride. We decided to meet for a small late breakfast. I had my usual oversized ham and cheese omelet with spicy salsa; she probably had a small bowl of fruit or something light. She was a picture of health and beauty on a lovely spring morning.

After breakfast, because it was spring, I felt I should jump on the health food bandwagon too. So I stopped at a grocery store and bought a big bag of fresh cherries to munch on while we drove to the starting point of one of these great bike trails. As we drove along, I popped cherries into my mouth and spat the seeds out the window. I must have eaten about 100 of them by the time we got to the trail. Man, it was spring, and they tasted so fresh and sweet and moist... I was like a deprived animal. While my lady friend had maybe a couple, I ate them until they were gone! She is very slender and attractive... I have more of a gut.

We unloaded our bikes and started down the trail, cruising casually along, looking at the birds and the spring blossoms, feeling the spring sun on our skin. This was a new spring day -- no snow, the ducks and geese coming in from the south, you know: spring mating season! I really wanted to make a good impression on this lady. Because it was the season and I want really wanted to do some mating.

About an hour into the ride, I felt my gut rumble; you know, just enough to recognize the telltale signs of a gutbustin' shit coming on. A few minutes later it happened again, with more intensity. I kind of interrupted myself in mid-sentence with an "UNGPHT..." She seemed to recognize my pain and asked if I was okay. She seemed very alert to any possible ailment; she may have been a nurse. I wasn't really interested in her career...

Anyway, I just kind of acted like I pinched a nut on the bicycle seat or something, you know, to bring her attention to my crotch and make her giggle and have her develop a mental picture of my private parts.

We rode along through the woods, following the creeks and passing the lakes and talking and laughing and giggling and then it hit again -- a gut wrench and a rumble, followed by a very low gurgle. I told myself that this wasn't happening -- not here in the middle of nowhere, on a date with a beautiful lady... And then it hit again -- this time a rumble, a grumble, a cramp and a sphincter wink! Horrible -- me on a bicycle, which was already mashing my butt cheeks open more than I liked, and there was nowhere to poo in sight! I let out a moan because now my intestines were growling and cramping and I had grown weak in the knees. I had diarrhea at the back door; the contents were under great pressure and there was no way I was going to keep it under control.

And then, like a miracle, I saw a Port-O-Potty in the distance -- a sanctuary, an oasis. But could I make it?

I turned to my lady friend, who was by now somewhat panicked by my condition -- her jaw was slack, her eyes wide and round, and her mouth made a kind of circle from shock and fear as I started to pedal for all I was worth (not much), leaving her behind without a word.

I raced across the open area and jumped off the bike, letting it tumble. I prayed no one was in there, because no sooner had the bike hit the ground than I was already unbuckling my belt and unzipping my pants. My sphincter knew the signal: "Zzzzzip means open the flood gates!!!"

I jerked open the door and leapt inside, racing in microseconds ahead of my hot acidic ass venom. I pushed my drawers down as far as they would go. The spring-loaded door slammed shut. I had just pointed my ass in the general direction of the black hole when my sphincter let loose a machine gun chattering belch of hot cherry/salsa/omelet mud at such velocity that it sprayed the seat, the walls, and the inside of the holding tank. The STINK was far beyond my wildest crapping episodes. It almost gagged even me, and I don't mind the scent of my own shit at all.

It was one big load: 100 cherries, a couple of pits, burning red-hot salsa and eggs. The spray was the color of dark butterscotch pudding with cherry skins mixed in. It was everywhere, including some overspray that had somehow gotten on my ass cheeks during the initial explosion.

I felt instant relief, but I knew my beloved was outside, no doubt waiting for this plastic outhouse door to open and her knight in shining armor to reappear unscathed, the head of a now-vanquished fire-breathing dragon held high as he remounted his two-wheeled steed and rode triumphantly back to her side to protect her forever from the unimaginable horrors of the forest.

I must have used fifty squares per wad to wipe and clean my backside; but I was extra careful to make sure I placed my asswipe inside the holding tank so as not to disturb or disrupt the mess... you know, saving it for the next person to enjoy.

I emerged like nothing happened, and rode back to my lady friend. Her look of fear had turned into more of a squint, like the sun was in her eyes. Her nose wrinkled mildly as if to say, "I know something really disgusting just happened in there, but we aren't going to talk about it, right?"

Rather than depart immediately, we sat at a nearby picnic table to rest. As we waited, a group of studly young guys in their early 20s pulled into the rest area. One ran over to the potty and jerked the door open as if he was in as much of a hurry as I had been. He stepped in, but the spring-loaded door didn't even slam shut before he shot back out. He flew backwards, nearly ripping the door off its hinges, causing enough of a commotion that my lady friend jumped, as if somehow the fire-breathing dragon had come back to life.

The young stud stumbled as he flew back, falling to the ground and rolling around like his shirt was on fire. He jumped up and pointed and laughed and fell back to the ground in hysterics. His friends all ran to the outhouse, and one by one looked inside as the bravest of them held the door open. Each in turn reeled around like a gunshot victim, laughing and screaming and yelling about the mess.

Even from my picnic table 100 feet away, I could see the yellow spray on the walls.

We rode on. For the rest of the rip, I tried to muse poetically about the birds and the flowers and the beauty of the day, but she didn't talk much. It was the spring mating season, but not for me.

-- Gutbuster

48 Comments on "The Call Of Nature"

Gutbuster's picture
l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Just A Girl: You shold my other story, "Cowboy Get The Poos". It would appear I have this problem with all first dates, but this has only happened a coupl eof times...well may be 3 or 4 thant I can remember. Gut rumbling spewwwwww............

Pooperscooper's picture
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Oh, God what a tragedy. Then again, if a woman is so damned shit-shy, would the sex have been that stellar?

Things happen. A guy I know is a heavy duty cyclist (lycra shorts, cleated shoes, rides with a bike club). He and his friends are experts--they ride in close formation. Some of them have been racers.

Keith once admitted that he always rides at the front of the group at the beginning of morning rides, because quite a few of them fart big time--they havent had a chance to really do thorough morning dumps before leaving the house to begin their trip, and it can get pretty foul if you're riding downwind from the pack.

Alex's picture
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Great story. What happened to the guy that ran in there? Did he shit in the woods?

adude's picture
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I was wondering what happend with you and your date. Did she go out with you again or was that it?

If she didn't see you again then forget about her....mate with someone who is real and does not deny the reality of the disgetive system. I bet no woman has lived that has not pooped out molten organic lava. It's just a false myth about ladies not taking nasty dumps.

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points
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Boiling ass lava is one thing... sure, every woman does that. But it's quite another to spray it all over the walls of a porta potty, and then not clean it up, and then hang around the scene of the crime...

I think she might be understandably freaked out.

Gutbuster's picture
l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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She was very gracious, she never asked and she never knew what happened in there. She couldn't see the yellow mess, only I recogonized the spray from that great distance. But she must have known something bad had gone on with all of those guys laughing their asses off like that, literally rolling on the ground from the sight they had seen. She never asked and I never told. I just acted like NOTHING happened.

a friend's picture
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That would have to be a toilet papers worst nightmare. Man it must of been rough for it just waiting for you to finish knowing what it would have to go through as you force it in your smelly, dirty crack. Then you would just throw it in the hole to make it suffer even more. I doubt that you even felt the least bit sorry for it though.

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points
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Were the eggs in your omelette cooked all the way?

I get the screaming shits whenever I eat eggs that aren't cooked well done.

Mastercrapper's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardl 100+ points
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Hilarious story -- that one had me filling the library with laughter. The visuals of the "next customer" collapsing with laughter -- priceless. I don't think the problem was undercooked eggs, Doniker. I think 100 cherries would grease down any chute, eggs or no eggs. In a way, you busted your cherry that day ...

Justa Girl's picture
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I can't stop laughing! Man, I've never been on a date even remotely like that. The way I see it, you're lucky the chick was still waiting when you got out of the portapotty. I wonder how many readers will pause before they gorge themselves on cherries in the future?

Rogue Turd's picture
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I would have definitely gotten farther away from the crime scene before settling down. I might have made some cover-up comment about what someone else had done in there after coming out. I'm sorry, but on a first-date type situation I am pretty damn shameful when it comes to dropping off the kids. Maybe it was fate though. The almighty god of feces deemed her unworthy of a decent guy like you. Maybe you were saved from a life of health food and anal oppression. You win some, you poo some. I do look forward to the day my current lady friend or myself "break the ice" when it comes to bathroom hijinx by having a good 'ole hershey spew and not being able to cover it up. I think it will take this relationship to the next level. Or something. Good post !

Gutbuster's picture
l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Hey Rogue, I didn't say I never saw her again, I said we never mentioned it! I eventually took to crapping in her shiny white porcelien and she would bring me a magazine or a book or anything else I might ask for. I would test her tolerance levels by dumping a load of stink-shit in her turd-bath and call for her to "Hey, could you bring me the newspaper?" routine, you know, have her open the door and hand it to me then I would ask her questions about life to see how long she would stand there before she had had enough and caught onto my trick.

Dr. Adams's picture
l 100+ points
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What a hilarious story!!!! And a story written so well, and so descriptive. Very well done indeed!!!

By the way, I am sure that the cause of your diarrhea was the many cherries you ate.

Thong Bae "James" Poon's picture
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Disappointing turd

And then looked in the bowl

I shat out Jim Rome

Duper's picture
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Hilariously funny! You should look into writing as a vocation.

I remember a time when my wife and I took a walk in a field not far from our home. It was filled with grasses no more than 2 to 3 feet high. We had reached the center of the field when I detected the detonation of a nuclear warhead spreading across my loins. I knew immediately that my bowels were making me an offer I couldn't refuse. But where would I launch? There was virtually no cover. In a frantic scan of the surroundings, what do my eyes behold? A small twig-laden tree, virtually begging for my attention. I made a mad dash towards the tree, squatted down beside it, pulled down my pants and discharged both barrels of my shitgun. Two enormous brown logs stared up at me, mocking my plight, for I suddenly realized I had no Sears catalog with me. Panicing, I did the only responsible thing -- (those BVDs did not give up their life in vain!). I must have gone into mild shock, because I didn't say another word all the way back home.

Di Uhreea's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points
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"discharged both barrels of my shitgun"

LOL LOL LOL!! That's freakin' funny!

DAPooPMasta's picture
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HILARIOUS!

Gutbuster's picture
l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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I have often thought about trying to repeat the "Blow of Cherries" and think it could be very easily done with a large "Bowl of Cherries" and a "Bowl of Oatmeal". I would highly recommend you do not get to far from a toilet, the pain will hit within a few hours.

Slim Jim Junkie's picture
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This is the funniest story online I ever read from a guy!! And I have surfed these types of pages for almost four years!!

poop's picture
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poop ball

Gutbuster's picture
l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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It's kind of weird receiving compliments about yourself sparaying high pressure ass juice all over some public shithouse wall! I guess, thanks for the compliment? It is just another true life adventure. It seems to be my luck on first dates. Go see "Even Cowboys Get the Poos".

whateverman's picture
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Whatever. It is physically impossible for ANYTHING to go from your stomache thru 50 feet of large intestine and out your ass in an hour.. You dorks are sooooo gullible. Did the cherries give him the shits? Probably.. but it wasn't the cherries and the pits, or even the omelette from the morning that came out.

doo-doo brown's picture
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I've had close to the same adventure with Mexican food. I feel your pain brother! Great story!

Ghost's picture
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Do most of you people just eat a lot a fiber, or do you have Irritable Bowel Syndrome?

gut's picture
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Fresh Cherries Man, lots of them!!!

mrsleep's picture
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Only on the internet can misadventures of the anus make you a hero

smart guy's picture
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Umm, your large intesine is only 7 feet long, your small is about twice that. Never doubt the power of fiber. I take psyllium husks every day and I see my breakfast in a matter of 2 hours.

poo poo pachoo's picture
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i remember one time i left for school and had to take a crap..i couldnt risk being late for the bus..so i figured the urge would go away after a bit..heh, yea right..those shocks on the bus needed a good replacing...thet prairie dog was putting a thrashing on my sphincter muscle, i thought i'd pull a muscle..i held that terd in all darn day (i would *never* poop in a school bathroom) when i got home i flew to the bathroom. that terd was swollen to the maximum radial potential. i swear, i gave birth that day. my starfish felt violated... i hopped in the shower right after and forgot to flush when i got out of the shower..that puppy laid there all night. it was about 1 1/2 x 9 to begin with. after marinating all night, it looked like "The Incredable Terd" got angry..that bad boy grew to 2 1/2 x 11. it can be seen now @ ratemypoop.com

Jonny's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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hilarious story! Just to avoid a similar problem (my gut isn't always very trustworthy) I've gotten into the habit of taking some immodium before any first date. Now I'll have to add "don't eat cherries" to the list!

Gutbuster's picture
l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Go to Even Cowboys Get The Poos. I seem to have a first date problem. But the immodium sounds like a great idea for first date ploppers like me! I really don't know what to tell "Whateverman" about this incident, but I am telling you that I ate cherries and within a couple of hours my gut hurt so bad I thought I was dying! And then I shat and splat the walls under horrendous pressure! Maybe I "thought" it was cherry skins and pits, but it made a horrible mess and a funny story, whatever it was! Yesterdays stew or last nights Lasagne, it didn't matter, those stud muffin boys jerking that door open and seeing my mess was one of the funniest incidents of my life.

Mudwhistle's picture
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Suck my Jaggon!

hotchocolate's picture
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I think you (gutbuster) are allergic to EGGS! I have noticed that things that don't agree with you intolerance/allergy wise go through your system a lot faster and more violently. As you have proven again and again!

I love the way you write your stories/tales and while I would have moved farther away from the scene of the "crime" before I had settled in with my date.

I would have known what would have happened... by the reaction of the guys -- and would have enjoyed a good laugh as well.

I hope not all of your 1st dates go this way :-)

take care and good health!

get the plunger's picture
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eggs give you the oppie poopies

ex-lax_ohmygod's picture
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i hate eggs and i hate meat guess what i am

Eric's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Cherries, especially sweet cherries, contain a fair amount of sorbitol, which is the "active ingredient" in prune juice and unripe apples, among other things (it's a sugar-like substance that's poorly absorbed and therefore tends to draw a lot of water in the colon by osmotic action).

One hour is kind of pushing it, especially if your stomach was full when you ate the cherries, but a "mudslide" within two hours of consuming a lot of sorbitol is hardly unusual.

ex-lax_ohmygod's picture
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you just thank god they werent maraschinno cherries or you would have made a monster if you want to cancel out the cherry dirreah syndrome then eat apples with the cherries apples contain pecitin which makes your shit more solid

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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It sounds like your girlfriend was a stuck-up bitch. Good God! Didn't SHE ever get the squirts?!?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Vodka-Prune juice.'s picture
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Great read...my sides hurt for a bit till I had to go dominate my own toilet. I've been on Atkins for a couple of weeks now(dropped 10 lbs already) but the con is that I'm pissing nitric acid out my ass. Any similar problems/situations/comments for this guy?

Laura's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Hello everyone, I have a story to share with you,one time I was in Arizona and I went to use my aunts bathroom in her bed room, well, after I had flushed the toilet started to overflow cuz I do believe that something had dropped in there and I was screaming at the top of my lungs and yelled for my mom n dad and my dad got the plunger to took the top off of the toliet to keep from the toilet overflowing and so my dad got a plunger and got some blue rubber thing out but I really never heard anything go into the john. Basically what happened was I made all the toliets back up and there was shit and water in the shower in the half bathroom So i felt so ashamed that I backed up my godparents toilets, we could not even use them for a good2-4 days we had to stay at a hotel while we had to get a plumber to come fix the problem and the ground had to be dug up to put a whole new sewer line in there and the plumber guy was like yeah, this is the story of my life, we had a raw sewage back up and i dont know why i became a plumber but i did anyways!!!! so that was the highlight of a major shit story for ya'all!!!!

Clear Poop's picture
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Life is just a bowl of cherries!

my poo is red's picture
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Ok, I came across this site looking for answer to this question - If you eat a bunch of dark red cherries - can it make you poop red... I thought I was bleeding (But I never ate so many cherries before in my life)... So I am hoping it was the 20-30 bing cherries I ate.. If not... time to visit the sphinker doctor...

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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When you eat cherries, you are supposed to swallow every fourth pit. This is meant to give your ass some traction when you start the cherry-squirts. It is also where the "Bing" comes from in Bing Cherries. Thats the sound of a cherry pit hitting the porcelain at 200 fps.

MousePoo's picture
l 100+ points
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Good story..And it's cherry season.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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The story was great and the comments are great. I found this website after I ate about 100 cherries and within 30 minutes got the bubbly guts. I am still in fact on the shitter after an hour as my ass spits gas and other liquid from its reservoir. Bottom line, don't eat a bunch of cherries and think you'll get away with it. I am never eating cherries again.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Moderation is the key. Cherries are a wonderful food, better for our bodies than most others; but too much is too much, and will exact its revenge. I've had it happen, too. But just some cherries--not a whole pie's worth at once--should be fine.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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On my doctors reccomendation I eat dark cherries every day that they are in season. Very good for arthritic gout syndrome.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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Sounds like the splatter caused by the berries could be termed "ocean spray."

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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another comedic gem from Chili...you are a fucking genius.


_______
"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)