It's been a while since I commented on the front page stories, but after reading this one question kept bugging me: How do you wipe after using a spring loaded seat? Think about it! Unless you reach between your legs and under your manhood (which leads to quite a mess, read my story in TJOAP) you would have to release some of your body weight to wipe in which the seat would rise up with you. If you did a slight one cheek raise, you could probably get the job done, but it doesn't leave a whole lot of room to do it right and not much clearance to discard the ass rag.

This sounds like a half assed idea for a toilet. At least put a timer on it or something or one of those nifty motion sensor devices.

With todays technology you'd think there would be some advancement in the potty industry, but alas, the ass is always last to be considered. Bah!

I was at that very same building last month to see the great George W. Bush as he made his way through the midwest, and I was overcome with that same exact fear. "What should happen if I have to shit?" I thought. The place was packed to the rafters and the only shitter I found was a little closet shitter in a hallway stemming off one of the staircases. Fortunately I was able to hold off my weapons of ass destruction until I got home. I had forgotten how poo-unfriendly that place is. The last time I was there was for a Cyclones game around the same time as your story, and they're no longer a hockey team.

I never encountered the evil spring-loaded toilet seats. I try to avoid the "public shit" if I can, but sometimes you gotta be shameless. You probably scared those kids for life though.

The toilet totally checked you twice, but you came back with your own Shat Trick. Congrats Mike B!

I seem to have trained my body to not have to shit at locations such as these. Concerts, sports events, etc. I never ever get the urge.

Three Ply, you also could have shit on George Dubbya's shoes, head, or in his gymbag.

I'm just teasing. But, you could have finally given him those weapons of mass destruction that he's so hot to find.

I'm betting we get some complaints from the men of Poopreport about the toilet seat. What I want to know is how the seat was dirty if it was spring loaded to stay in the upright position. That seems like a feat unattainable by anyone except for Broke Dick Man. Well, I'm glad you didn't poop yourself. Way to hang in there, and this is the craziest desensitivity training that I've ever heard of!

I appreciated your story, man, but it almost seems like your problem was due to the spring-loaded aspects of this and not really the open stall. In fact, your article could have been an argument against such ass traps.

I guess it's old news on this site that I grew up using open stalls in school and on into college, so I know very well what it is like to use them on a regular, not just one-shot, basis. I think you handled the situation well, all things considered. Open stalls are indeed for the truly Shameless like myself.

Mike B, I've never come across toilet seats that spring up like seats in the cinema or opera. Is that an American idea? (I'm UK) I see the point in not wanting guys to pee on the seats which other guys have to sit on, but with springs like that, you can't sit on them ANYWAY.

I HAVE once or twice sat on a toilet which wasn't properly fixed to the floor, probably wanted screwing down or something. It meant you had to sit absolutely still, which I find impossible. Then you had to reach for the toilet paper. And when I wipe my bum I lift up one cheek at a time. One of the toilets I've mentioned had no lock on the door, and it was impossible to lean forward to hold it shut. Still, compared with your experience, there WAS a door of sorts.

Ha! Daphne I knew someone would get on my case for calling George W. a "great" President. He ain't perfect, but he beats the hell out of that assbag Kerry. Next time I'm down at the Gardens, I'm going to check those toilet seats. If they've still got the snap-back action going on, I'm calling the mayor. Seriously, why the hell would guys need to raise the seat in the MENS bathroom?

Hey, ThreePly, in regard to your question there at the end: I had almost forgotten about the spring-loaded potty model until this guy put up his article. But I remember clearly now that all the toilets in that barbershop/men's room I used at the old Roosevelt Hotel (see: 'The Bathroom At The Hotel Roosevelt' in The Big Wiper archives)were spring-loaded like that. You simply can't use those ass-gaskets very well under those circumstances. And when you finally get settled on one of those things, you feel like a character from a James Bond movie just waiting to be ejected into the air. That kind of toilet is a pain in the ass (and in some cases, literally so!)

Great story man! It cracked me up thinking about some guy just sitting there in all his glory pooping in front of a crowded bathroon. I've never heard of spring-loaded toilet seats before, hope I never have to come across one when I have to poop real bad in public!

TBW, that has all the makings of a great Benny Hill skit. All it needs now is some panty flashing.

SO glad to be a woman and not have to deal with springy thrones and doorless stalls. By the way, I'd never heard of spring-loaded toilet seats until now. How very interesting.

Mike B:

You creep! You totally traumatized my little boy. We were in the same restroom at that hockey game waiting for you to finish using the toilet so my son could drop his load. You kept turning around flashing us a hairy moon with a substantial length of brown loggerhead poking out of your butt. GROSS!

My son was five at the time and is nearly twelve now. He is just now able to even ride in the car past the Gardens without breaking out into a bloody sweat and screaming out in dread. He had nightmares for four years, and could not even use a public men's room until 2003. His psychiatric bill caused us to sell the house, move into a ghetto apartment, and avail ourselves of several entitlement programs. And all because you were so damned consumed with layering half a role of TP on that damned seat. Thanks a lot, you filthy rat!

Paranoia in the Poophouse. THF.

"Children screamed and held on to their daddies' legs. " That's the FUNNIEST thing I've read all day!

Hey Three Ply,

Couldn't agree more. And, I've seen pictures of Kerry with that WOMAN (Jane Fonda), how can he say he was a war hero? Nuts. Anyway, I bet that if he is elected, he has an "accident". I mean, did you know John Hinckley Jr. ate lunch at the Bush mansion 2 weeks before Reagan was shot? I'm not kidding. Look it up.

I'm ascared of him.

And actually, come to mention it, I've seen these toilet seats too, in a ladies' room once, but I don't remember where. I'm a'gonna' have to think now.

i think spring loaded toilet seats are the invention of the year! wish i'd thought of it. men never put the seat down!!!!! why is that???

John Kerry looks and acts like a slightly cleaned-up version of Lurch, the butler on the old "Addams Family" TV show. Think about it.

Like Doniker's, my bowels and I have a working relationship sufficiently good so that I don't have to drop my pants at inconvenient times. But everybody isn't like that.

For any trauma which resulted from this unfortunate incident, the authorities who put in the spring-loaded seats are to blame, and at least they should have ensured that there were no doorless stalls.

Mike B had to do what he had to do. What alternative was there?

PS Mike B. Thanks for the word 'percolating'. I've never thought of it in that context. Good word.

I wonder if there had been a double balls-up?

a) Was the seat designed for women's toilets?

b) Was the spring put on properly? Was it designed to shoot down when MEN lifted it?

What a precious gem of a tail! It should go down in the anals of poop folklore. I was moved to tears of laughter.

We had those spring loaded seats back in shitcago in the 60's and those no door stalls, what a nightmare! All these guys staring at you just waiting for you to pick up the paper, yea well I'm glad I got my own can now pretty funny though wondering if George W. got his ass slapped by one of those seats, better you then me.

Daphne -- Speaking of shit, those photos of Kerry "with" Jane Fonda have long since been proven to be faked. Apparently some Republicans started flooding newsgroups with links to this Photoshopped image.

Mind you, this is the same Bush who shit-smeared his own Party buddy John McCain, by claiming that his adopted black child was an illegitimate child from an affair with a black woman! I wish John McCain had won that primary, so that he'd be President now instead of Bush.

Whether it's non-existent weapons of mass destruction, or lies about the economy rebounding (it isn't), Bush is feeding us more shit than any of the above. I don't mind reading about poop, but I sure as hell am tired of Bush trying to force-feed it down my throat. He's as bad as that asshole Clinton!

who would go to a george bush rally what a giant walking turd that guy is. I guess it is only right that he would come up on the poop report

We all need some kind of independant guy in 2004. Too bad the screwed up system divides all votes into 2 hopeless parties. Heck, come election time, I'm voting for a lead weight, just to see what happens.

Imagine if "Lead weight blamed for economic downturn" or "Lead weight praised for excellent foreign relations."

That ought to show how screwed up our media is. Not only do the actions of the government suck, the way the media manipulates the perception of the actions sucks 2x as hard.

Thank you Lady Ballbuster for that information! Because of your post, I put a few Urban Myth links on my favorites page so I can check things out better.
But you know, as much as Clinton was a charlatain, he was the funnest president ever. Yes, he did some bad things. But, and I hope sincerely you don't look down on me for this, I looked forward to reading the news when he was in office. "What's he gone and done now? (or who)" would be my thought every morning. I think Daryl Hammond on SNL tainted my ability to take him seriously.

It's going to be a crazy election year. I'll be more careful about what I believe from now on.

Georgie W. rode the train through town last erection I was gonna show up and moon him, at the last minute I chickened out it turned out my landlord was there with his wife who was the head of the republican womans group for the county I live in, man that was close, they would have put my ass on the news too cause it's a big ass, just like George J.R.

lol the children got scared

When I was in high school, we had stalls with no doors. I was sheepish about making my doodie, but got over it in time, except that you did your #2 and didn't linger, like you do at home. Anyway, guys didn't really look in because they didn't want to be considered queer, like when little kids watch one another making a doodie.

Thank god I'm not a man and have to use one of those terror toilets. If they ever had one of those seats. *cringe*

Funny story, Mike.. really enjoyed it. I'm also glad to see there are some men in here who can't take the sissy-men in the Demoshittic Party. Gawd... what a bunch of whimps; guns are scary... waaaaa waaaa... and war? omg.. let's make love instead; their heads are in the clouds. Been watching too many Janie-Poo Poos movies. God help us if Kerry and his Hollywood friends win.
GeorgeJobber

I always shit in public places in streets and alot of the time totally in the nude. It makes me feel free and happy. Try it in a place where you don't know anyone. If you don't know them don't care what they think. POOP FREELY

A-. WoW! That's funny!

Sammy's question, "Why do men not put the seat down?" Why in the world would a man leave the seat down unless he had just dropped a deuce? Women should be grateful that we leave it up. That way it is out of the way of fallout. The seat should always be left up unless it is being used to sit on. Then it should be returned to the upright position.
Women use the logic that if the seat is left up, the women will fall in the toilet when they sit. Why should the toilet be the only place in the world where you can sit down without looking to see what you are going to sit on. Do women want men to #1 without looking where they are going? If women think that they should be able to go without looking, that explains a lot about their driving.

Ickabod, not that it should matter, men cause and are responsible for MORE automobile accidents that women nationwide. Call your insurance agent if you don't believe me.

And as to your claim that the seat should remain in the up position, ask yourself why there is a cover to the toilet to begin with. Maybe before you decide that this is the only way to think, you should read more of the site, especially about the particles that go into the air if the seat is left up during flushing. If you don't mind that type of thing in your nostrils, on your bathroom counters, etc., then that's your prerogative; thankfully, most of the men who frequent the site are a little cleaner.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I am going to inject a small story here simply because it involves a stall without door and is a tad gross.
Some years ago my travels brought me to a recycling plant in a semi-rural part of New Jersey. I was feeling the urge to grunt one, and since I was to be there a while, I asked for directions to the bathroom. After winding my way through piles of garbage, loud machines and unsavory looking characters, I found it. When I opened the door, the smell hit me like a sledge hammer, but what I then saw hit me more like a wrecking ball. There was one stall (no door) and a man on the can pushing one out. On the floor were three other men casually eating their lunches. This apparently was also their cafeteria. Needless to say I shit in the woods.

Yesterday I went to another city for a meeting, and afterward to a mall for lunch. I managed to get grease from my pizza all over one hand, so I went into the men's to wash up. The stalls were full, including the one doorless one, where a young fellow, maybe 22, had just sat down, legs well apart. Totally oblivious to the others around, as well as to the fact that he was fully visible in the mirror, he took maybe ten seconds to unload two hefty turds and a smaller one. I finished my handwashing and left just as he started reaching for paper, but it was obvious he was as shameless as they come. A fine example.

You should have walked in and shook his hand, being as you were going to wash your hands anyway

The fieldhouse/HPER facility at my college had the spring toilet seats when I was there in the mid-1970s. Although I wasn't an athlete, I did a two-year work-study internship in the Athletic Director's office. Of about 30 toilets in the ladies room, all but one had doors and I think the exception was probably to make it easier for the handicapped as they attended basketball games and track & field contests. Anyway, like Mike B. I intially hated the spring-up seats for the same reason he gave: it was tough--no it was IMPOSSIBLE--to put toilet paper over the seat before sitting down. After several tries though, another intern who had a really low GPA but lots of practical sense showed me how. She would sit with her underwear still up just over the first half inch of so of the seat. It was tricky, but while she sat to hold the spring down, she would then pull off the toilet paper and place a strip under each of her thighs by working from the back. Then she would gingerly raise up one thigh at a time and slide the paper in under it. On a couple of occasions at first I wasn't able to hold my pee long enough to line the seat, but I eventually got the hang of it and for a few months I got every adept at mastering the task. Then one day, when I was about to have my bowel movement explode, I just squatted over the seat and placed my ass right onto it, forcing it down rather abruptly as I pretty much filled the bowl. Since I rationalized that the seats were pretty clean, I continued to sit directly down on them and without worry. It was somewhat of an interesting sensation, however, breaking the seat in like you would a horse at a rodeo. Another interesting point: since that time I have gotten away from covering toilet seats altogether. I credit the springs for helping me make the decision several years earlier.

Missi's posting reminds me of an incident back in the 1980s when I too was at a sports complex that had those spring-up seats. I weighed nearly 160 pounds and when I sat down for my crap the springs would definitely know I was seated. Not so, however, for my son who was about 4 at the time and who weighed less than 40 pounds. I remember once he was crapping at a baseball game and there was a bug running up his leg. While still seated, Trev leaned forward to smack the bug off his ankle and in doing so, the seat literally picked up and threw him forward. Initially, he was startled and crying when I, who was on the stool next door, got done and checked up on him. For a couple years after that, he refused to use those seat and sometimes would elect to hold his crap until we stopped for gas or at a McDonalds-type place that had the more conventional seat. That is one reason why the spring-up seats probably never caught on.

Missi writes: "It was somewhat of an interesting sensation, however, breaking the seat in like a horse at a rodeo." I'm only 26 and have never had an opportunity to "ride" one of those spring-held seats, but I would like to. I would think that they would be a lot cleaner to sit on. However, how would it work with the hover pissers? Would you be able to place the seat all the way up on the back of the toilet? Or would you have to aim your pee down through the opening? Just wandering. Also, does anyone know restrooms that still have these seats available?

My experience with those seats, while some time ago, was enough to be remembered now. The seat would stand straight up, to be lowered by hand and then sat upon. It would be clean of uring simply because it stood up out of the way. My weight was always quite sufficient to keep it down while seated, and I never felt any need to cover it with toilet paper (not that I do that normally anyhow). I thought it was a good idea then, and have seen nothing to change my mind.

what does a spring loaded toilet seat look like? i don't think i've ever seen one...

it always boggles me when i see a bathroom stall with out a door. why is it gone in the first place?

as for ickabods comment up there, maybe he should have one of those seatless nyc public toilets installed in his house. he would never have to worry about a seat again.

_______
all aboard the farty train to pooterville..if you can't shit at my house, we aren't friends

PC, those stall doors make excellent dining room tables. Add 4 legs and you can save hundreds of dollars. The old wooded ones are especially nice.

i wish i would have thought about that when i needed a kitchen table 2 years ago... the house i moved into came with a 10 person dining table and a moose head. haha

_______
all aboard the farty train to pooterville..if you can't shit at my house, we aren't friends

I have one, but the gravy boat keeps falling through the quarter moon hole near the head of the table.

I don't want to brag, but I did manage to score the bathroom door from a Japanese tuna boat, complete with door knobs.

Man, I can relate to the story about having to go in a stall without any doors. Throughout high school, I had HUGE problems going for a dump because there were no doors on the stalls. I was about as shy as they come and there were days I suffered in agony because of it. I saw a picture a few months back (from Iraq I think) of soldiers, in full battle gear, sitting side by side on open space toilets. That would be a challenge for me too.

Yah. For some, shitting in a place where other men can see you is just daunting. You can overcome that by just saying that they are as shy as you are, and that they're in the toilets for the same reasons (groaning, plopping). Once you've crossed that milestone, you'll be wanting to do more, i swear.
Just SHAME LESS

My mom's side of the family came from the east coast--actually the Washington, D.C. area. So every summer since I was about 5 I have spent a month with my aunt who still lives back there. When she came to visit us last month, she told my mom that now that I'm 18 I'm more mature and will better appreciate what we see because of the history involved and that I'm no longer scared of toilet stalls. The way she tells the story, and I'm not sure it's totally true, is that when I was 7 and younger I would cry and put up a fight when I was in a toilet stall and she would try and give me privacy by closing and latching the door. She says it's like I was afraid of being alone in the stall and didn't want the door to be closed. She told mom she finally cured me of it when she insisted on standing in the stall and watching me go until I agreed to close and latch the door. Has anyone else heard of this type of fear? Now, I'd much rather pee or shit my pants than sitting on a public toilet that doesn't have a door.

In the stall with no door? Try on the pot with no stall for a truly shameless, or shameful, experience.

All us guys who served in the military back in olden days had to contend with the row of thrones so close together your legs touched a buddy on both sides. I tried shitting at two or three in the morning but alas, half the guys in the barracks had the same idea. You get used to it after a few days of acute constipation.

Even worse, the chemical toilet crap with audience. I was flying cross country in a
C-130 Hercules back in the 1960s. There were only about 20 of us "space available" passengers sitting in jump seats along the sides of the plane facing the center. There was a stand up urinal immediately behind the cockpit but the only crapper was a chemical toilet that sat back on the tail ramp. It was about the size of a small kitchen trash can. One of the guys had to go, poor bastard. He was rather large and it looked like the toilet was going to go up his ass (or his ass was going to swallow the toilet). We tried not to look but the spectacle was hard to avoid.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

They spring load toilet seats in the men's room?!? Ouch! Talk about a nutsack striking hazard. Not that I know anything about hitting a nutsack.

By the way, plus one to the chief for making me choke with laughter.

_______
Born right the first time.

There appears to be some discussion and questions about those spring-activated toilet seats. Both my boyfriend and I came across a highway reststop toilet last summer that had them. We were literally traveling cross country from New York to California to meet his parents and for me to begin graduate school. I was asleep in the back seat and don't remember what state we were in but I think it was Colorado or west of there. I walked into the stall very much ready to burst (I swear it was at least 20 minutes at full speed at 3 a.m. until we found a rest stop)and even in my desperation was confounded by seeing the seat standing at about 9'Oclock. I took my right hand and pushed it down as I was using my left hand to pull down my shorts and thong. It sprung right back up without a creak. I placed myself on it and rode it down where I could hear it tap the bowl. My pee was already flowing (just short of gushing) when I felt I was positioned way too far on one side of the seat and I almost lost my perch when I put more weight on my knees to reposition myself. I remember looking down between my legs as I sat and peed to assure myself that my 135-pound frame was actually in control. It was a nice feeling to have and I think I lingered for another minute or two just out of amazement of what I was experiencing. I quickly wiped without shifting any weight and flushed while I was still seated. In getting up, I held the seat down with one hand for fear that it might ... I guess bounce back and hurt me and after it was back at 9 O'clock, I pulled up my shorts and thong. I told my boyfriend about it a few miles down the road and he said he would like to use one of them too. Problem is neither of us can remember exactly where we were and where it was.

Michaela wrote: "I pulled up my shorts and thong"

Wow, you wear your thong on the outside too???? I thought I was the only one.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

I've used the spring-controlled toilet seats two or three times in the past year at Chevron stations. I appreciate them because as a female, I know some moms bring little boys in and because the seats don't get lifted first, more of the urine goes onto the seat, wall and flusher than into the bowl. Then a few minutes later, another woman needs to go bad and unless she's careful to look first, she's sitting in someone else's pee. This is especially true when parents just escort their daughter to the door, and don't check out the facilities first. Although it might seem awkward at first, sitting on a spring-controlled toilet seat might be the driest alternative and the one with the least amount of germs being transmitted.