ismt dirrhea more comfortable?

Gross dude...I would of used the towel and just bought another one instead of my hand...

Good story man, but why not use the magazine. Hell, anything would be better than shitty under-nails.

You should have used your sock.

Sounds to me, the toilet paper that was scheduled to lick your butt out, actually lucked out. Sounds as though you would of been pretty rough on it. From the way it sounds to me, I don't think I would want to be the roll that you use. I bet you can be pretty abusive to it.

i have really bad diarrhea right now-i mean at this very moment, i am on the throne with my labtop, and i have been here since about 7 this morning when it first kicked in. can anyone tell me what to do?

Order out?

whatever you do, don't take anti-diarrheal stuff. you'll keep the mess in your system for days. You just got to get it out. Enjoy the ride.

tell us more about these parents of yours that banished you down to the basement crapper.

Sheesh man, you've been given at least 3 options here that were each more desirable than wiping with your bare hand... sock, towel, magazine. I think you wanted to wipe with your hand, I really do.

Oh! And your parents banishing you from taking a poop in the proper house... that's got to be some form of abuse. You should speak with a lawyer. A hefty settlement for psychological damages could buy you enough toilet paper so you'd never be in this predicament again.

dave when will my story be up? i cant wait to hear if its considered good or one if the worst.

Look, going down to the downstairs loo was my own choice, simplyto avoid the constant complaining, and to just be polite.

And those three options mentioned by Justa. None of them would have done:

1. The sock: What would I have dopne with it? That toilet gets clogged enough anyway, and there was no way to get rid of it without arousing suspicions. Besides, I'm running low on decent socks.

2. The Towel: Mainly for the same reasons as the sock. What would I have donw with it? You couldn't flush that down the toilet, and my parents would notice if the towel went missing, because my dad uses the same toilet.

3. The magazine: No way in the world was I going to ruin my latest magazine. This was a really cool magazine that I only just got, and besides, it was the slippery plastic kind, and my crap would have gone everywhere.

Brother Thunderturd, You performed properly following the elimination of waste. The Prophet would have been proud of your method of cleansing your bung. You will be rewarded for your copious use of water. I only hope that you were cautious enough to use only your left hand. Would that we here in the arid regions had access to the unlimited supply of water commonly available in your country. But alas, we must often resort to lesser methods like three smooth round rocks, or, in emergency situations, to clumps of dirt.

At least The Runs had time to take his laptop in there with him. I'm just envious of someone who has an internet connection in their bathroom.

Funny story. Reminds of the time I scratched my arse whilst I was half asleep in bed. When I woke up in the morning I had a rather long skid mark streaked across my nice white pillow case.

Remember this advice kids: "NOW WASH YOUR HANDS"

Dave should've titled this story Monica Lewinsky because it sucks. It's not funny it just shows how retarded one guy is.

kung poo, what really sucks is a TP shortage and a toilet that plugs too easily. When I run out of TP, I pull my pants up without wiping, then I search for a good piece of TP or a Kleenex tissue. When that isn't possible, I take a shower. I enjoy reading about other peoples TP shortages, because I can relate.

Further to what Slim says, it is not always fair to pass judgement on what someone else does in a certain situation, but it's kind of good to hear about these situations and imagine what you would have done, or what you *have* done in similar or other scenarios. For me, it doesn't always have to be rip-roaringly funny, but rather a tale that is unique in terms of its specific circumstances or the solutions used by their hero/heroine.

I've had to do the same thing before.

Next time you're in the supermarket, check out the aisle where they sell the toilet paper. Go up to someone who's picking some out and putting it in their cart and ask them- Scuse me, what is this stuff used for? Why does everyone buy it all the time? Is it valuable? Worth a lot of money? The reactions you get may be hilarious. They'll probably think you're wacko, from some other planet, or maybe someone from Candid Camera.

my mom likes to store toilet paper in her purse just in case

Once when I asked someone shopping at the supermarket what the stuff was for, I actually got the response- You use it after you go to the bathroom. My response was- Go to the bathroom...I've heard of that...Never done it before. Is it something exciting? Is it fun? Is it like some sort of game? Can you do it alone, or do others need to be present? It sounds interesting, I'd like to try it sometime.

Once I asked a pretty girl, and she said- You use it when you go to the bathroom. My response was- Hmmm...I don't know what that is. Where is the bathroom? Is it far from here? Next time you go there, can I come along? I'd like you to show me how it's done.

Alright, men. Try this experiment, if you so dare. Hang around occasionally near the toilet paper aisle at the local supermarket. When a hot babe comes along to buy some, go up to her and say: "Hey, gorgeous. Looks like you need some TP today. Can I wipe your sexy ass for you after you shit?" Give it a try. I've tried it, and actually had a few who said they'd gladly let me do it.

In Japan, few public toilets have TP. Most people carry a small package of tissues, just in case of an emergency. Sometimes, there are vending machines that sell TP instead of drinks or snacks.

I'll never shake hands again...

I HAVE HEMMAROIDS!

I like reading about toilet mishaps because the subject usually involves poo in some way. I enjoy that. But seriously. I've had that happen and I just used the ugliest hand towel in the bunch and then threw it away afterwards. Seriously.

poop.... drooling now... I run out of TP all the time... As a result, I just buy lots of underdaks... Remember the vengeance of poop...

Magazines are not good arsewipes. They're printed on hard surfaced glossy paper--guaranteed murder on your bunghole. And the paper isnt absorbant, so it wouldnt even absorb very well--you'd just chafe your asshole and smear the poo around.

Finally, magazine paper will, most likely plug your toilet.

If all that had happened to me, I would've used the hand method, too.

Poopskooper, you remind me of a joke I saw in a DVD. It said that a curse would be placed on (Excel Hanako Dosukoi). She would be unable to find TP, and would need to use the colored pages of a magazine. OUCH!

why didn't you use your sock or towel then roll it up where the poo wouldn't touch you and tuck it under your shirt? and who cares if your mom noticed the towel was gone? lie to her, but for god's sake man, don't wipe your ass on your hand!

You should have gone up and wiped it on your stupid parents. What a couple of jerks!

Ive actually done the same thing before.

What? Wiped on your hand or your parents?

I think you just wanted to wipe your ass with your hand. If I were in that situation, I would have used my sock or magazine. If you dispose of your sock immediatly, no one would have noticed. I understand you not wanting to use the towel, I probably wouldnt have either. Worst case, I would have just up trou and went into the upstairs bathroom and risked soiling my boxers. Under no circumstance would I ever wipe my ass with my hand.

Big Shit is right: Thou shalt not touch thy poop if thou canst help it.

You don't have a tissue box in your bathroom?

I use napkins, paper towels, or tissues when I run out of TP.

Great story.
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"-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"