The subject of concern is "Toilets in Thailand". As some of you may have read my previous post about stall selection in Asia I will take it upon myself to tackle this topic. As I have a real job/life I will add stories in bits and pieces nor am I a particularly talented or quick writer.

Turds in Thailand, Part I:

This episode will take us to the Andaman Sea off Thailand's east coast. This archipelago has been made famous through movies such as the James Bond movie Man with a Golden Gun and The Beach. There are thousands of small islands with beautiful beaches spread throughout the bay easily accessible from the southern coast of Thailand or Phuket Island, where I happened to be staying on this particular trip.

Myself and 4 friends decided to take a kayak/beach day tour where you spend a few hours kayaking in some of the sea caves and get to see monkeys, birds and snakes, and then visit an unihabited island for a few hours of laying on the beach, playing Te Ta-Kro (volleyball with your feet a low net & bamboo ball), and snorkelling or kayaking in the surf.

Well, my girlfriend and I kayaked & snorkelled for a bit and then came ashore. I decided to join the group of tour guides (all local Thais) playing Te Ta-Kro and try my foot skills. It is incredibly difficult but I tried hard and they obliged by tolerating my presence and muttering words of what I thought were encouragement, but were most likely Thai fat jokes muttered in a polite tone. (I am not really fat by US standards - 205 lbs & 5'11", but that is enormous in Thailand).

Anyhow as the game absorbed all my attention a tremendous tyrana-turd was building up in my loins, unbeknownst to me. [I really need to improve my forecasting/detection time, especially living in asia, but that is a topic for another discussion - any suggestions?]

All of a sudden a tremendous need to dump overcame me and all i could do was to pick up my snorkel gear that I didn't want to leave unattended (this is a key point as you will soon see) and run into the jungle to take a dump. My plan was just to find a quiet spot and a big harmless leaf as this was, after all, an uninhabited island.

As luck would have it the ground was covered with the spiny seeds of some tree and hurt your feet like hell, just adding to the beauty of this most unpleasant moment. After trotting for about 200 meters I came upon a deserted concrete shed that used to be, I assume, a restroom. It was dilapatated with vines growing on it.

To my dismay a couple other people from the tour group (wearing flip flops) decided to explore the island a bit and were within eyesight and i had nowhere to venture but into the deserted shack. One look in the shack was enough to make you vomit. I can't imagine a hotter, more mildew infested disgusting stinky hole in the ground if i tried. Not even a bucket of water, let alone a hose or, God forbid, toilet paper. There was a nice moist layer of who-knows-what coating the floor around the receptacle (not unlike the color of the border of this webpage - with a little more rust tint thrown in). What to do!?!?!?

I had little choice, and even less time. I did the manly thing and I put on the rented flippers from my snorkel gear. As this restroom when built (1896?) was designed for your average 120 lb asian man, it did not accomodate my width so well while wearing flippers, and as such I had to back into the doorless stall to do my business.

When I completed my disgusting task all I could do was run (in flippers) 200 meters to the beach and jump into the water, while shouting "Don't touch me" to my girlfriend on my way into the water!

After a vigorous 10 minute swim I felt much better and was ready to re-join society.

-- Troy